It's sad but is it necessary?

[MrFymie]

This is my first post and it came out of searching the internet looking for clues and advice on what to do about my current situation and coming acorss this forum.

 

I have been with my wife for 30 years. She was 17 when we met and we have had a brilliant life together and I still love her very much. We have one daughter aged 16 and we both adore her and as a family a guy couldn't wish for anything better. Or could he?

 

Over the past few years we have settled down to what I have always considered a 'normal' marriage. There isn't a lot of excitement and displays of love are few and far between, (but they do happen from time to time) and I get up every day and go to work and return home to a nice cooked dinner and a waiting wife. We sit down and have a glass or two of wine and then we eat. We share the chores around the place, so I always offer to help cook and mostly I get given a couple of little tasks like peeling the potatoes and things like that. At the weekends we spend the time going for walks and watching our daughter play sports and things like that. It all sounds like domestic bliss, but inside I am craving for her to tell me that she loves me and I want so badly for her to kiss me and hold me. We haven't seriously kissed for so long I cant remember what it was like. Whenever I mention it she tells me not to be so silly and that we are getting too old for doing things like that. We do make love a couple of times a week but in a robotic sort of way, which is nice, but lacking in deep feeling.

 

Anyway, about six months I met this girl at work in the corridor. We chatted a little bit as we waited for the lift to arrive and then by chance she had to email me with a work related enquiry. I answered her email and she responded and before we knew it the emails were coming and going at a rapid rate. It was all innocent to begin with and then it got more and more intimate. I asked her out for a drink and she said yes. After the drinks, and it was only a couple, as she got in the car I leant over and kissed her and it was like POW. I started seeing her regularly and she is proving to be the perfect partner I wanted. She is in love with me, and I with her. We would go to dinner and sit so close to each other and hold hands and softly talk whilst we ate. Each evening would end with a long kissing session in the car before she went inside. (I should point out that she is not married, but has been in the past, and lives with friends) Eventually the inevitable happened and we made love and we continued to do it regularly until she left here. You see, she was on a working holiday and has since returned to the USA. We email every day and she says she wants me in her life and that I would have the most perfect life if I went there to be with her, and I do believe her. When I remember how she made me feel and how much love she gave me, I realised that I need that more in my life.

 

I have discussed seperating with my wife as I have told her I need to do other things. I have not told her about the affair or that I am planning to leave here, (Australia) and she is trying to be so brave about eveything. She said it would be best if we remained friends and that she would like to do that. She also said she would appreciate some help from me in getting her and my daughter set up again in another home so that I could take some of the money we would make on selling the family home to set myself up again.

 

When I am with my wife I am lost, confused, and sad. Yet inside when I think of what lies ahead I am also excited, driven and feel so in love again.

 

I spend long hours awake listening to my wife breathe as she sleeps and I have spent many hours soul searching as to what to do.

 

A lot of people here appear to have been through, and some are going through, what I am. I would appreciate any advice as right now I am an emotional yoyo and have a need to get some stability back in all our lives as my wife is saying that it is making it harder for her with me being like I am.

 

Am I being stupid with chasing a dream or is there sometimes a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?

 

Any advice or comments would be most welcome. Thank you for reading.

[Melovator]

I would not be expecting your wife to be so nice once she knows about your affair. Did you ever express to her just how really, really important physical affection is to you? That the lack of it in your relationship is what lead to the breakdown of your marriage? Did you get some counselling together to explore this issue either alone or seperately? or was it just passing comments and then no follow up?

 

I'm not saying physical affection is not important- very far from it, but are you into the new woman just because she's giving you something you haven't had for a while? and then confusing how you feel about the affection with how you feel about you feel about her as a person.

 

I would suggest you get some personal counselling to find out who you are outside of your marriage before leaping into a relationship halfway across the world. Clearly you and your wife had some communication issues which lead to a lack of physical affection if you don't sort out how that happened from 'your side' then you could drag those issues into your next relationship... which is not really fair to the new woman, or yourself.

 

Further I have to say this, you have a sixteen year old daughter- a vulnerable age where she is beginning to explore personal relationships herself, what kind of lessons are you teaching your daughter? Certainly not honesty, truthfulness and respect. You might think she's nearly grown and that your influence is not much at this point but that's not true. When everything comes out- and if you're going to be moving to live with another woman then it will, you'll have two VERY hurt women on your hands- one of whom's brain chemistry is a bit haywire with adolescent hormones- are you prepared for this??? for possible alienation from your daughter? because that's what lying will get you.

 

And yes, IMO you are chasing a dream... you're going to pack up an entire life and leave your daughter behind for what? A relationship that statistically speaking does not have much chance of success... if you don't believe me there's a big bad internet out there full of information. What you're feeling for this woman is 'hormones', New relationship energy and that wears off eventually...

 

So in conclusion, I'd suggest that you work on yourself before making any great leaps... because you've got to live with yourself for the rest of your life, you don't have to live with anyone else and if you ever do live with someone else don't you want to be the best person you can be for them? Rather than someone who can't communicate what their needs are in a relationship?

[Gunny376]

Mel's right and I don't have too much to add to what's she said, but I can promise you that you would be hating yourself, life and everyone in it if you made this move ~ in AS let the US.

 

What you have with the OW isn't love, its infatuation. Some little gal has come along and shown you some attention, some affection and meet some of your emotional needs (and obviously some of your physical ones as well).

 

The OW isn't the cure, she's a sympthom that your marriage is in trouble and that something needs to change.

 

You should explore every conceivable solution to reconcile your marriage with the DW. If your destined to split, then for the Love of your DD do it right. Do it with RESPECT, DIGNITY, INTEGRITY, AND HONOR, for your W, your DD, your family and friends, and most of all yourself!

 

I know very little about AS, was there for all of seven days once on a South China Sea cruise. But the US is a very demographically diverse country ~ politically, regiouslly, etc. Its very hard and difficult for others from other countries to aclimate themseleves to certain parts.

 

You don't have anyway of knowing 100% for sure and certain that you weren't just a fling with this OW, and even if not, with the failure rate for relationships being 50/50, that's not an airline I would care to fly on myself!

[Touche]

50/50? Uhm, no. This relationship would be doing well to have that kind of chance. No way.

 

Also, I'm not clear on something. You're going to leave your daughter and move to another country?

 

And yes, I agree with Melovator. It's chasing a dream and I'd bet everything I have that it would not last. You would regret it.

[Gunny376]

50/50? Uhm, no. This relationship would be doing well to have that kind of chance. No way.

 

Also, I'm not clear on something. You're going to leave your daughter and move to another country?

 

And yes, I agree with Melovator. It's chasing a dream and I'd bet everything I have that it would not last. You would regret it.

 

I was being generious "T"

 

I'd give it less than a 99% chance of it working out with the OW. I wouldn't even attempt this with someone from another state, let alone half way across the world.

 

(BTW ~ if you were my DW, you'd have to give up on the DW! )

[MrFymie]

I appreciate the replies and the thoughts that have gone into them and I will answer any questions as honestly as I can. Firstly though, can somebody please explain the what the following mean,DD, OW, DW. I am sorry for appearing dumb but I just cant work it out.

 

Gunny, I do know the USA. I have been there many times and I have lived there for a year. The girl is from San Francisco which is an area I know reasonably well. It is our intention to live 6 months there and 6 months of the year in Sydney, my home town.

 

Touche, as you can see from the above comment I will be in constant touch with my daughter and my wife for that matter. It isnt like I am totally deserting her or my wife.

 

Mel: Thank you for your post. You have left me thinking a lot about what is happening and at the least I will ask my wife if she want to try counselling, although I fear that offer may be too little too late. We shall see.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I'm an Other Woman, and I can give you the perspective of how my Married Man reacts now that he has left and started a new life with me...

 

...GUILTY.

 

We met in similar circumstances and my MM (Married Man to help you out with the abbreviations) was a sponge for love and I gave him plenty of it. After much soul searching, deceit, discoveries, fence-sitting he finally made the jump to start a new life with me. And I remain in love with him and give him my all every single day.

 

BUT...I wish for his sake we had done it properly. That he had left openly and honestly. That we had not been the catalyst to his marital breakdown. The grieivng process is just that, a process - temporary. But it's very hard to live through for everyone involved in this situation.

 

It's a tough call to make - who knows, you may be getting all of the kisses in the world and start to have pangs of emptiness because you miss peeling the potatoes with your Wife. Or, you may leave for your new life and enjoy every second of it.

 

What I'm saying is, there seems from your words that there is an awful lot of emotional attachment between you and your wife that will not be easy to leave behind. A new life is hard, not easy. Its not too exciting when the guilt begins, the grieving for a life once lived. Your OW will live that with you and it's a greenhouse for anger and resentment to build up. You need as much trust, love, knowledge, communication and respect to make it work. It's not easy. It's not romantic. It's hard work and only if you share dreams with the knowledge that you will probably both hit rock bottom during the process, then do you have a chance.

 

We are together and the "together" bit is fantastic, but everything on the boundaries of our relationship is not. It's a daily challenge in many respects.

 

My MM returned to work on his marriage for a period of time. It was a risk but it paid off and he was able to get a clearer view that the marriage was no longer viable. He put as much as he could into it. But I'm glad he did that, and I think maybe you should explore every conceivable avenue of your marriage being over before you make such irreversible changes in your life.

[Gunny376]

I'm an Other Woman, and I can give you the perspective of how my Married Man reacts now that he has left and started a new life with me...

 

...GUILTY.

 

We met in similar circumstances and my MM (Married Man to help you out with the abbreviations) was a sponge for love and I gave him plenty of it. After much soul searching, deceit, discoveries, fence-sitting he finally made the jump to start a new life with me. And I remain in love with him and give him my all every single day.

 

BUT...I wish for his sake we had done it properly. That he had left openly and honestly. That we had not been the catalyst to his marital breakdown. The grieivng process is just that, a process - temporary. But it's very hard to live through for everyone involved in this situation.

 

It's a tough call to make - who knows, you may be getting all of the kisses in the world and start to have pangs of emptiness because you miss peeling the potatoes with your Wife. Or, you may leave for your new life and enjoy every second of it.

 

What I'm saying is, there seems from your words that there is an awful lot of emotional attachment between you and your wife that will not be easy to leave behind. A new life is hard, not easy. Its not too exciting when the guilt begins, the grieving for a life once lived. Your OW will live that with you and it's a greenhouse for anger and resentment to build up. You need as much trust, love, knowledge, communication and respect to make it work. It's not easy. It's not romantic. It's hard work and only if you share dreams with the knowledge that you will probably both hit rock bottom during the process, then do you have a chance.

 

We are together and the "together" bit is fantastic, but everything on the boundaries of our relationship is not. It's a daily challenge in many respects.

 

My MM returned to work on his marriage for a period of time. It was a risk but it paid off and he was able to get a clearer view thatREg the marriage was no longer viable. He put as much as he could into it. But I'm glad he did that, and I think maybe you should explore every conceivable avenue of your marriage being over before you make such irreversible changes in your life.

 

And there you have it! I could sit around for a week and couldn't come up with a better way of wording it.

 

What many here are failing to grasp, wheather your the BS, the OW, the OM, the one that's leaving or that's been left is ~ the WORK that one must do ~ that of self actualization/realization.

 

The work of getting to ~ "I OK, you're OK!"

 

The work of being alright single and alone ~ or in a relationship.

 

Mel's there. She can be in a R or not, and she still OK. Jmargel's there. TBF is there, as is TTL's.

 

Its having walked through the Fire of divorce/seperation barefooted, and having dealt with the Fire In Your Belly, the ache in your heart ~ and having come out the otherside of it.

[Melovator]

I'm an Other Woman, and I can give you the perspective of how my Married Man reacts now that he has left and started a new life with me...

 

...GUILTY.

 

We met in similar circumstances and my MM (Married Man to help you out with the abbreviations) was a sponge for love and I gave him plenty of it. After much soul searching, deceit, discoveries, fence-sitting he finally made the jump to start a new life with me. And I remain in love with him and give him my all every single day.

 

BUT...I wish for his sake we had done it properly. That he had left openly and honestly. That we had not been the catalyst to his marital breakdown. The grieivng process is just that, a process - temporary. But it's very hard to live through for everyone involved in this situation.

 

It's a tough call to make - who knows, you may be getting all of the kisses in the world and start to have pangs of emptiness because you miss peeling the potatoes with your Wife. Or, you may leave for your new life and enjoy every second of it.

 

What I'm saying is, there seems from your words that there is an awful lot of emotional attachment between you and your wife that will not be easy to leave behind. A new life is hard, not easy. Its not too exciting when the guilt begins, the grieving for a life once lived. Your OW will live that with you and it's a greenhouse for anger and resentment to build up. You need as much trust, love, knowledge, communication and respect to make it work. It's not easy. It's not romantic. It's hard work and only if you share dreams with the knowledge that you will probably both hit rock bottom during the process, then do you have a chance.

 

We are together and the "together" bit is fantastic, but everything on the boundaries of our relationship is not. It's a daily challenge in many respects.

 

My MM returned to work on his marriage for a period of time. It was a risk but it paid off and he was able to get a clearer view that the marriage was no longer viable. He put as much as he could into it. But I'm glad he did that, and I think maybe you should explore every conceivable avenue of your marriage being over before you make such irreversible changes in your life.

 

This is a great post JNRR! I have often reflected that my ex's girlfriend has a very hard road to travel, even though it would appear she got exactly what she wanted. My ex has not, can not, will not deal with his emotional issues and he's taking all that into his relationship with her. (Though she left her husband for him so it probably goes both ways there.)

 

When you finish something before you start something else you can move on with no guilt, no shame, able to look yourself in the eye in the mirror and know that you did your best even if it didn't work out. And you can respect yourself and your relationships and not feel bad about any of it. Its probably worth a bit of time to make that investment in yourself and your future now, rather than having to pay a much higher emotional price down the track.

 

DD= darling daughter

OW= other woman

DW= darling wife

That's right isn't it? I still get confused...

[Infinity888]

You wrote this:

 

I have been with my wife for 30 years. She was 17 when we met and we have had a brilliant life together and I still love her very much.

 

then you wrote this:

 

 

When I remember how she (OW) made me feel and how much love she gave me, I realised that I need that more in my life.

 

Your affair is nothing special even though you may think your case is special. This is just a "normal" affair. What will happened to a normal affair? The heat will die and it will end. What will you end up after it dies in few months when you do move to be with her? You will lost your FAMILY and your wife for virtually nothing. Then you will end up with guilt, shame, regrets, sadness, etc.

 

What you see and think you feel about this OW is all fantasy. You NEVER seen the ugly side of her and you have not seen the flaws of her personality that she hides during this brief affair. It's an affair, you're sacraficing a 30 YEAR marriage for it. The chance of this affair lasting more than 2 years is slim to none.

 

my wife is saying that it is making it harder for her with me being like I am.

 

What's happening to you is your mind is not thinking clearly and it won't for a while. You will be making all kind of wrong decisions untill your mindis thinking clearly again and that can only be achieved with no contact with this other woman for a while, before it's too late, that's when you lose it all. Someday, you will look back and notice how stupid you are right now and the hurt you're causing your wife and the damage you're doing to your own family. This is a virtual guarantee!

 

You're in a very wayward mindset. You're TOTALLY justifying your affair. If your wife go out and sleep with some guy, I am sure she can find some fault in you or what you do to justify her affair. Would that make it alright? Would you be satisfied or okay that you wife slept with some guy just because your little flaws here and there?

 

What should you do? Come clean to your wife and seek marriage counseling immediately. How does it feel to lie to a woman who has dedicated her entire life to you? Is it fair that she's heart broken and she doesn't even know why? Doesn't she deserve the truth about what happened to her marriage and to know her own life history? You're taken all that from a woman you married and someone whom you claim to "love very much."

 

Your marriage and your family don't stand a chance if you continue to have any type of contact with your affair partner OR if you continue to withhold the truth from your wife. Can you picture your wife with another man months after you're seperated? It can and will happen (eventually) if you leave. Are you okay with that? Can you really love and respect a woman who is willing to sleep with a married man? Can you really give up your wife whom you claim to "love very much" for such a woman? There, you have your answer.

[tammyjo]

mr fymie,

 

well well. i too, know a bit about this particular type of situation you are in. and all the comments from the others were dead on correct. but having lived a version of this for almost 8 months, i can say a few other factors are involved too.

 

my brief history, to clarify.....married 25, unhappy 10, i found a lovely loving cheating husband to play with. so we are just mad for one another. he is near perfect. i have never loved anyone like this, nor been loved like this in return. and we plan this charming life...way down the road, more than a year fr now. and my h knows and has right along, i told him as i ventured out away fr our marriage, hoping he would finally react to something. and he did. he said sex with someone else would finish us. and it has. meanwhile my lover, is still playing house with his wife and huge entourage of family. he has a 15 yr old son, and we wait oc, for him to be a bit older, b4 he makes his 'break'. he would like to just ease our of his sit, how i will never understand. so i am the 'other woman', he is a serial cheater, and still i pin my hopes on him. and still i think the worst case scenario is probably better than what i had b4. so what if mr lover turns out to be just my transition man? we are all grown ups, we know the consequences. or do we?

 

and that is the point. how much do you really risk? how bad it is at home? how smart is is to leave a potentially viable marriage for and unknown one? will you be better off dumping all the old tired problems and moving on, burning bridges behind you? are you just trading known troubles for unknown ones? are you a gambler? do you know the odds? what happens when the honeymoon is over with your new love? do you have alot in common? can you picture life in 10 years with her? can you see a permanent estrangement from your daughter as being something you can live with? what about all your family and friends? and how well can you really know someone under these circumstances? have you met her family? have you been is a 'normal' social situation with her? have you considered that love in a vacuum is untested?

 

so i have asked myself these q's and 100 more, and i have discussed them as nauseum with my new man. and we hash and rehash, and i will tell you, i do not believe he will leave them. i know i would never have the nerve.

 

and you may say your sit is different. and you may accept the prospect of the roller coaster you must ride to make all this happen. you may be so focussed of the love and peace and contentment you feel when you are with her.

but after 8 months of this, i tell you, i begin to see the cracks. and on the horizon more earthquakes moving my way. the old addage is true...look before you leap. and look long and hard.

 

i live in limbo land now. and while my new man makes me very happy, the furure is very uncertain. the only thing i can say is an absolute in all this is that, once starting on this road, there really is no way to go back.

 

 

i wish you all the luck in the world, and hope you come out the other side of this, no matter which way it goes, happier and more contented than before.

[Infinity888]

mr fymie,

 

i live in limbo land now. and while my new man makes me very happy, the furure is very uncertain. the only thing i can say is an absolute in all this is that, once starting on this road, there really is no way to go back.

 

 

MrFymie, I hope you can learn from her bad decisions. If you continue with the contact with this other woman and continue this path, you will end with where tammyjo is or much worse in less than a year. It's almost a guarantee.

[Mr. Lucky]

MrFymie, I hope you can learn from her bad decisions. If you continue with the contact with this other woman and continue this path, you will end with where tammyjo is or much worse in less than a year. It's almost a guarantee.

Based on what one reads here on LS, there seem to be three typical outcomes to those that leave their marriages for their OW/OM -

 

1). Once the infatuation wears off, they find out that the person is quite different than they believed. Oftentimes, they experience the same problems that they had in their M.

 

2). The stress or guilt of ending the Marriage(s) takes a toll on one or both partners, eventually killing the relationship. You see this quite a bit if kids are involved.

 

3). One or both of the partners, who got together by cheating, cheats in the new relationship. Ironically, either the original WS or OW/OM is now the BS.

 

In other words, very few happy endings. Stay awhile and read for yourself...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gunny376]

When you dance with the Devil, you don't change him, he changes YOU!

 

The Devil you know is better than the Devil you don't know!

[MotoMan]

MrFymie, some great posts here. I was where you are, I divorced my W, and am with the OW (not married). Before you get out of your M to be with the OW, remember that she was on a "working holiday", the relationship you have when you move to the US will be much different than what you envision right now. You will have problems in a new relationship, albeit different from what you have in your marriage, but there will be other issues to deal with.

 

I had to get out of an abusive relationship (if I had it to do over again, I'd do it differently, without the A), but it sounds like you're not in that kind of situation. It sounds like you and your wife just need to rediscover what brought you two together in the first place so many years ago. She could use some reassuring that you both are "not too old" for romance.

 

Does she or did she know that lack of romance was a deal-breaker for you? Since you have a daughter, if there's any chance you and your wife can rebuild your M, I recommend you seek counselling.

 

Have you fully explored whether the OW can meet all of your needs? I'm willing to bet that while the OW fulfills some of your needs, it will dawn on you at some point that this OW is not the perfect W you see in your mind's eye.

[MrFymie]

What a forum this is and never would I have believed that there are so many genuine and so many nice people around. I have read and reread the posts here and feel the need to reply to them.

 

I have had further discussions with my wife and she has asked that an end be put to it all. My daughter seems to understand what my needs are and has asked that I always remain her Dad and stay in touch with her. Of I will, without question. I have resigned myself to the fact that further discussion is not on the cards and that we will move on. I am not poor financially, and will know that my wife and daughter will be alright. Emotionally though is a different matter and I intend to be there for the both of them and help wherever I can.

 

I still feel that I am making the right move and will gladly trade for one or two years of total hapiness over what I have now. My girl friend is a tremendous woman and I have no doubts we will have a lot of good times together.

 

I have already started looking for somewhere else to live and the sooner it happens the better we will all be. This is not easy for anyone and I dont want it to sound any other way.

 

Once again, my sincere thanks for your thoughts and your posts. I an sure I will be posting here again.

[noforgiveness]

interesting. I wonder if your wife has been placing her affection elsewhere and that is why she is so accepting of this.

 

You will be missing the best years of your daughters life for a woman. Very sad. Have you spoken directly with your daughter about this?

[MrFymie]

If you knew my wife noforgiveness, you would know that she is far too honest to do that. Which speaks volumes about me doesn't it?

 

Just an small update though, my wife and I spoke at great length late last night about almost everything, (I say almost everything because I have not told her about the OW and neither will I) that had taken place over the past few days and the speed in which it all unravelled and have agreed to both take a step back and allow ourselves to breathe a bit before continuing with any plans, forced or otherwise. I have suggested that I go to individual counselling and we have also agreed to go away for a couple of days and try to talk through the problems. I never knew she had issues too that she never spoke about. I have also made the promise to myself to not contact the OW for a while, at least until I can see if there is any future for my wife and myself.

 

A lot of what I have read in this thread has led me to believe that all is not lost and there could well be a relationship worth fighting for, at least for a little bit longer.

 

I totally hate the pain this causes, all the tears and the uncertainties that leave everybody not knowing what to do and how to respond. I need to step back and look at myself and understand what has gone wrong and once I can indentify that I can start to change things to make them right again. I so want what we have had for all those past years.

 

A couple of posters really stopped me in my tracks and really made me look at the problem from a different perspective. I thank you JNRR and tammyjo for allowing me to see the 'other' side of the coin. I am sure my case is different, but I guess everybody thinks that huh?

 

Once again, my sincere thanks for the posts, if nothing else, you have at least guided me to where I am now without running for the door.

[Gunny376]

1. I'm glad to hear you've at least temporarly stepped back from the door

 

2. Now breath! Exhale and breath again!

 

LOL! I've actually have been in situations where I've actually had to command myself to just breath and exhale! (Hyperventalting)

 

All I advocate you doing is take it SLOW! Walking through a land mind slow!

[Infinity888]

My girl friend is a tremendous woman and I have no doubts we will have a lot of good times together.

 

Do you see it? It's all about good times and fun with her. It's NOT love.

 

 

Here's what a famous marriage counselor said:

 

"My experience, and the experience of other professionals is that about 95% of all affairs either end by one person deciding to end it, or that it dies a natural death. Of the five percent that end in marriage, about 70% of those end in divorce. There are a host of reasons that romantic relationships that start with an affair are so fragile, but the main reason is that they are based on deceit, thoughtlessness, and dishonesty. Those characteristics eventually find themselves permeating the affair itself. They eventually find themselves being deceitful, thoughtless, and dishonest toward each other."

 

You think your affair is special, so does virtually all of cheaters and affair partners.

 

Even though you're VERY foggy, you still seem to say great things about your wife. You can definately improve your marriage. It starts with honesty and efforts.

 

You never answer my questions:

 

Can you picture your wife with another man months after you're seperated? It can and will happen (eventually) if you leave. Are you okay with that? Can you really love and respect a woman who is willing to sleep with a married man? Can you really give up your wife whom you claim to "love very much" for such a woman?

[MrFymie]

:QUOTE: You never answer my questions:

 

Can you picture your wife with another man months after you're seperated? It can and will happen (eventually) if you leave. Are you okay with that? Can you really love and respect a woman who is willing to sleep with a married man? Can you really give up your wife whom you claim to "love very much" for such a woman?

 

Allow me to answer your questions Infinity as honest as I can and I apologise for not answering them before:

 

Firstly though let me say that your comment regarding me being FOGGY is spot on. I am extremely foggy about the whole thing. As I have stated, when i am with my wife I think about the pain and suffering I am inflicting on her and my daughter. Neither has done anything to hurt me, in fact quite the contrary, they both show their love for me constantly. However, when I am with my GF I am very much 'alive'. It is exciting and romantic and so breath-taking that I never want it to end. So youa re right. I am foggy indeed. Now the answers:

 

No. I cannot picture my wife with another man. I cannot because the thought of her with somebody else saddens me. She was a 17 year old virgin when we met and I was just out of a nasty marriage. i wasnt divorced back then, but it was a happening process. My wife supported me through the divorce and was always there for me. We married and left our homeland, (England) to live in Australia. That was 30 years ago. We have built a business and a property portfolio that will ensure our retirement will be well supported. Our daughter will be well provided for. We seem to have it all huh? I digress. During the whole time we have been together my wife has never ever given me cause for suspicion. She is very honest and very true. I am not sure how I would go if she were to tell me that she had met someone else. It is just too painfil to think about.

 

I can love and respect a woman who is willing to sleep with a married man. It isnt an issue for me.

 

The last point is the huge sticking point. Can I give up my wife for her? I am not sure. I know I cannot make the clean break I thought I could. I know I am having huge thoughts about a lot of things and I know I have volunteered for IC. If I do make the move I want to be sure that it is for the right reasons and not the wrong ones. Other than that, there are no promised guarantees from my GF or from me.

 

I hope that answers some of your queries and though they are not the best answers, they are honest as I see the issues right now.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

and in 30 years you'd feel the same way about this little trollop as you do your wife now.

 

do the right thing. and that includes telling your wife what you've been up to so she can decide whether you're worth it.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

 

 

Totally disagree. I would be surprised if it last more than 3 months. Seriously.

 

oh, i agree with you, i was just making a point that the beginning of relationships are usually at least somewhat 'hotter' than comfortable old ones, and that (if it lasted and he married her, blah blah blah)the way he feels about this new hussy wouldn't be any different than his relationship with his wife now.

[MrFymie]

Kenzie you seem to have some preconceived idea about the other woman whom I write about having called her both a trollop and a hussy. Can I just inform you that she is neither only a caring woman who happened to fall in love with a married man. She certainly isn't deserving of the names that seem to flow off your tongue.

 

With regard to telling my wife, the answer remains unchanged. I will not tell her about the OW. If I decide to end it with the OW then for my wife to know will only hinder the healing process between her and I.

 

Further, the thoughts of a STD from the OW is not even a thought. I am not silly enough to know that it couldn't happen, but I am sensible enough to have used protection and know that I did not inherit anything detrimental. Again, getting tested in not in my thoughts.

 

I thought people here were open minded, not narrow minded. It seems that the OW is nothing more than a whore and the wife is an angel who has been mistreated. This is not the case at all.

[Chrome Barracuda]

It's not the affair that kills the marriage it's the lies that come with it!!!

 

The lies.

 

If you are still lying about this OW to your wife how do you expect to recover. Your recovery act has been one big defraudment. The reason you dont want to tell is youy dont want to destroy your escape plan.

 

Stop justifying the indefensible...

 

Once your wife finds out about the OW, it will end one way or another.

 

The best thing to do is humble yourself and tell the complete truth. You need to man the hell up.

 

By you being in this supposed fog. it doesnt look like you want to recover your marriage, your heart isnt really in it. Your not going to leave the marraige without breaking it in some form or another. And your not gonna stay and truly recover without telling the whole truth!