Why am I so angry? Is this cheating?

[Exposeursoul]

My BF of 5 years recently proposed to me and I said yes. I was so happy and excited about our future. I love him very much.

I knew he had numerous relationships before me. I tried to ignore his past as long as he is faithful to me now. A few days ago, I found out that he went on a long weekend outing with his ex-girlfriend, her son, and his family a few months into our relationship. I knew about the outing but I didn't know she was part of it. I also found out that he kept contact (going out) with his other ex-girlfriend a year or so after we had steady relationship.

I don't want to be a jealous, insecured person... I know at this point there is nothing going on. Both of them are married but I am still angry, very angry. I was trying to forget about it but when I can't.

What should I do? I can't talk to him because he won't even dignify it with an answer. He will get upset right away.

Is my anger justified? Am I too jealous? Please help.

[GPFan]

Why won't he discuss these issues with you?

 

Try approaching him when you aren't angry and calmly explain why this is bothers you. If it helps, put notes to yourself on on a 3X5 card so you stay on topic.

 

Or write it all down in a letter and leave it for him to read when you are not around.

 

I hope you find closure on this as move forward to your happy day.

[Exposeursoul]

Thanks for your reply. It is mind boggling why he gets angry. If I were him, I would not be upset at all because I have nothing to hide. I would explain and reassure the girl that nothing is going on... He never did. It makes me wonder why. It makes me resentful.

This is not the first time I had issues with him in this area. The only way I can go on is not to care. Otherwise it hurts too much. Everytime it feels like somebody pokes your heart with a knife. It heals with time. Then it hits you again, again. One day, my heart will get hardened. I won't care any more.

[hendersongirl]

You made me cry with that last post, Exposeursoul. I know how you feel. Why do we put up with unresponsive, uncommunicative, secretive men?

[dirty diana]

Don't marry him! Not yet. Not until you get counseling and communication therapy. If you have problems communicating now it will only get worse. Trust me.

[Exposeursoul]

Thank you for your input. It made me feel better knowing that I am not crazy. I am holding onto my dreams and don't want to give up. Sometimes, I wonder whether it is easier just to give up. The person who cares less always has more power. I'm always the one that gives in because I don't want to hurt him. I'm about to give in again now but I don't know why I am still so angry this time.

Looking around so many people cheat. It seems that people don't think that is wrong and the friends would cover for each other. Hollywood makes the extramarital affairs so glamorous but we can't say anything becaue we "should not be judgemental". It makes me sick. What happens to the true love?

[theobserver]

I don't understand how you can stand this guy? By the way when your boyfriend went on this outing with his family and his ex and her son were you invited yourself? If not then what the ****?

 

I don't know his behaviour is too weird. That said everyone is different what we find inappropriate may not be the same to another. What defines a good partner is the ability to stop being selfish step back and try to understand how this looks from your partners point of view. Then comprimise for the relationship.

 

I personally do not believe in hanging out with ex's under any circumstances if it can be helped. My partner feels the same. The only difference is when children are involved this can sometimes be especially difficult if an ex had a child that was not actually your partners but while together the child saw your partner as a role model father/mother it can take some understanding to get used to that but if that's the case he/she should make the effort to include you to let the child know he/she now has a new partner .

 

I can totally relate to what your saying how hollywood/media in general tries to make cheating all glossy . Make the wife a needy b*tch and then it's ok for the husband to cheat we're all rooting for him yay. NO.

 

You have the power. Before you go down the aisle with this man talk to him again. Tell him exactly how you feel about when he is hanging out with his ex's do not give him some sort of choice "them or me" but try to phraase it in a way that he should try to understand where your coming from and how would he feel if you were going away for x days with an ex to I dunno... camp privately. If he can answer listen to his answer is it genuine, can you understand why he does this? Has he still got strong emotional bonds to these women?

 

I still believe in love.

For true love to exist there must be absolute trust, no lies no buts or erms in a relationship. Anything less will always be a lie or convinience relationship of not wanting to be alone.

 

Good Luck whatever you do.

[Exposeursoul]

This is very helpful. I want to know what other people think. Thanks.

I believe he is a noble man and strives to be honest as we all do. However, sometimes things do not make sense. He doesn't explain. He doesn't like to be questioned. I rarely ask any questions but could not help notice things. I tend to measure things based on past experience or common sense. So when things do not add up, what leaves me is only imagination. I hate that part.

I knew about the outing when he called me and told me he was at the lake with family and friends. I saw the pictures of them together years later. His brother, nephews, son, friends were all there... That is why I am so upset. What am I?

Trust me, I am not a crazy person who gets jealous for every little thing. I was very trusting at the beginning. I would totally understand if he told me that he needed to do it for the kid or for whatever reason. Or if he told me about the "rendez-vous" with the exgirlfriend, it would be ok with me if it was just a lunch as he told me after I found out. I would not like it but I would respect and trust him enough not to stop him. What bothers me is the fact he did these behind my back. What else did he do? The trust was deeply shaken. It takes a lot to rebuild it.

What bothers even more is that he doesn't think anything is wrong. He thinks this is my "petty insecurity".

I don't like this "hanging out with ex". Sneaking out with ex behind the current partner is disrespectful. I am always very considerate when it comes to dealing with ex. I don't have any contact with any of my ex boyfirends except responding to occasional holiday greetings just to be cordial. I do kept contact with my ex-husband for kids matters.

This is the area I have been struggling with for years. I hope I can find a solution. Either I ignore it or give up once for all.

I love him. God, it hurts so much.

[whichwayisup]

If you two are going to get married, this needs to be resolved. Have you spoken to him about going to pre-marital counseling?

[Exposeursoul]

I would like to go to counseling before we get married. I have not talked to him about it. I think I need to learn how to communicate better. I tend to hold things inside and am afraid of speaking up because he gets upset when I bring up the issues. The frustration gets accumulated over time till I could not hold it in. Then I could not help make remarks or be sarcastic. It makes situation worse. Somehow, the table turns magically and I ended up being the "bad one" who had to apologize. I need to find a way to communicate effectively.

Here is a perfect example: I wanted to spend the Friday evening with him as a couple, either going to a movie, having dinner together or just staying home watching TV. I came home from work earlier, excited and anticipating spending time with him. For two or three weeks, on my way home, I called him. He didn't pick up and did not return my calls. He showed up after 9pm at house. I was very disappointed and told him that I was hoping to spend the evening with him. So the next Friday, same thing happened. He did return my call but said he was too tired to go out. I said "no problem, we can stay home." He went to the same restaurant, having dinner and came over after 9am. I was not happy - he didn't want to go out but he went out by himself. I did not call him the next Friday because it was not a good feeling being rejected all the time.

We were out of town for business to different city separately. Last Friday was the first weekend we were back to the city (to be continued)

[D-Lish]

I am friends with some of my ex's- and I have dated people that remain in contact with their ex's as well. In my social circle, it is inevitable that people have "history" with each other. Since most have known one another since highschool- there is 20 years of "past" to contend with.

 

Heck, I dated a guy that had 4 ex gf's that he still hung around with on a regular basis. I never felt threatened by it because he was up front about it from day one.

 

It's the secrecy part that would bother me... If there is nothing to hide, why keep it from you?

 

Trust is so important in a relationship- if you don't have it, a relationship can only progress so far.

[Exposeursoul]

I worked from home. I was hoping that we spend the evening together. He didn't call. I didn't call him either. I was upset and frustrated. I could not understand why he would do that. What is the thing he must do every Friday night? Why does he have to go to the restaurant of his ex-girlfriend every Friday since he goes there on a regular basis if not daily during the week alreay? We used to go to dinner, go to movies, not any more. I told myself not to be upset but when he showed up after 9pm at my house, I could not help it. I made a remark "did you go to see you other girlfreind?" He gave me that look: why are you saying that? I said "I'm just kidding" I told him that I was frustrated and was hoping to spend the evening together. He said "you did not mention it to me". It made me more upset. Don't most couple spend the weekend together? Why do I have to make a request? I asked before but he still did not want to go out. So frustrated.

We didn't talk any more that night. He didn't call Saturday, Sunday. I started getting worried. I felt that I made the wrong remark and that I ruined his weekend. So I called him last night to see how he was doing. He was apparently still upset and told me that it was uncalled for. I told him I was sorry. I really didn't want to hurt him.

I felt that I did something wrong and I did not communicate better. Somehow deep down inside, I still feel the anger and frustration. It feels like deja vu again. Another cycle: He is always right. I am the one who always apologize.

I love him too much to hurt him in any way. So frustrated...