Wife gave me a divorce ultimatum...

[DragonSlayer]

Well, I'm not sure what to do. My marriage has been extremely rocky since last summer/fall, very rough for the past 2-5 years, and fairly challenging for our entire relationship. I've tried to make her happy, but I consistently cannot meet her expectations. When I don't, she becomes verbally and emotionally abusive using all the classic emotional blackmail trips, rage, etc. She has claimed that if I "do this" or "do that" she wouldn't have to scream, yell, call me names, tell me I'm an a-hole, prick, bad person, no personality, tell she hates me, can't stand me etc.

 

Since our newborn arrived a few weeks ago, she has really raised the bar. She told me I'm not giving her enough attention the day after the baby was born... Lately she has been on a "you're not a man" kick because of my choice of hobbies (I like music, I like to play guitar, I play Guitar Hero somtimes, and some other things that she calls childish...she says I should take up golf like a real man), how I dress ( I have a good white collar job, but wear t-shirts and sneakers on the weekends...she says I should wear golf shirts), and how I wear my hair (kinda long and hip, but still short), and due to her perception that I'm lazy and don't do anything around the house (totally untrue). She's also recently attacked me for my personality...I'm a technical type...not really a super social type, but friendly to people...I've been that way since we were teenagers. She tells me I have no personality and am depressed...hmm...wonder why.

 

She has continually blamed everything on me and said I'm doing nothing...even after taking down my guitars, unhooking my video games, stepping up my domestic duties, and getting a new weekend wardrobe. She demanded that I leave the house 3 weeks ago and wanted me to stay out for a few months to "learn how to love". Since then I've been getting all kinds of grief, feeling like I "should" be at home. I go everyday to see the baby but it's fine one day and hell the next, depending on her mood or expectations of me that day.

 

Anyways, I've been trying to hold onto this marriage for months now and explore every avenue. We started going to a new counselor (psychologist) recently where I was hoping we'd keep it together long enough for her to get strong advice or maybe even a true diagnosis of a personality disorder or something...I've even thought she may be bipolar with her fits of rage, etc. I can see that the shrink tip-toes around her, but my wife is not getting the message. At the end of the our most recent session, I kinda lost it and made it clear that I'm not sure if I am even going to stay in this marriage. Basically, because she keeps making excuses for the abuse, and hearing that we need to "communicate more effectively" and I need to comfort her more when she's upset just drove me nuts.

 

Well, last week she gave me a 24 hr ultimatum. Either I'm going to tell her that I'm going to move back in and start to work REALLY hard on this and make it work, or I'm going to tell her I want a divorce. If I don't answer then she's getting a lawyer. At the time, I told her that I wanted to continue staying separated and continue going to the counselor in order to really see what we have...before jumping back into the relationship. She said "No" and the ultimatum stood.

 

So the 24 hrs was up and she confronted me about my decision. I took a stand and told her that my "decision" was that it was not her decision to tell me when to make such a big decision as divorce. Told her I need more time and want to continue going to a counselor. She was pissed. Called me a coward and told me that she'd be calling an attorney monday morning. I told her to do what she has to do. I just can't have her continuing to call all the shots.... "sleep in the other room...now come back to our room" "leave this house....now come back" "tell me by tomorrow whether you want a divorce". It's bull...

 

So, I don't know if she's really going to call an attorney but I guess I need to do that myself. In a few days, she's leaving for a 2-3 week trip with the baby to see her family. She has a one-way ticket because when she planned it, I was supposed to meet her up there then drive down together. Now, that's most likely off.

 

I could that tell she wanted a resolution to our marriage by the time she left for the trip. I just don't think that's something that you schedule like that. I wasn't ready to totally give up, but I wasn't ready to start in 100% with her...especially after no admission of any guilt, no apology, and not even a "please come back to the house...I didn't mean to throw you out"... she hasn't even discussed any of that with me. Besides, the counselor was supposed to be one-on-one counseling for her...it wasn't intened to be "marriage counseling"...which is what it turned into when I joined her for the second and third visits.

 

So, I'm kind of at my wits end. Although I'm finally taking a little control by not moving back at her whim and not giving in to her ultimatum, I still feel kinda lost. I need to take charge of my life and my happiness and I'm afraid that divorce may be the only thing left to do since she will NOT look at herself and will NOT allow me to be an individual or respect me as a person. The dragon that I'm up against seems incredibly daunting at times, though.

 

Any words of advice? Yes, I could stay in the marriage, but at this point I'm convinced that she cannot and will not stop the abuse, and that I will never make her happy or meet her insatiable demands and expectations.

 

Is this pretty much how it feels when divorce seems to be the only option for happiness??

 

Thanks,

 

DragonSlayer

[Gunny376]

I'd stay the course, she's got you to thinking you're the problem ~ when in fact she's got some serious issues to work on herself.

 

In other words? Its not just you!

 

An individual shouldn't haven't to give being who they are, just to be with someone else.

 

Your marriage as you've described it? If it were me, I would hope that one of my buddies would care enough about me to run over me with their 4X4 "Larry-Mobile" as I was out front cutting the lawn.

 

I'd do it for them!

[DragonSlayer]

I know I'm not perfect and that I can be critical, rational, analytical and somewhat non-emotional (esp. compared to my wife), but I am very aware of my "defects" and I really try to address these things daily at both work and home.

 

I agree...I told my wife the day of the ultimatum that I don't know how much longer I can go, giving up what's left of my identity and my self-esteem. I'm really going to need those two things now that we have a kid...

[Walk]

I have to agree with Gunny.

 

If I were in your shoees, I'd call a lawyer 8:00am Monday morning and get those divorce papers filed.

 

You can't fix your wife's problems when she doesn't want your help. And if she doesn't change, then you're going to be miserable. You're best bet would be to get the divorce, gain custody of the child, and let your wife self-destruct on her own.

[porter218]

I have to agree 100% agree with what WALK said. You do need to gain custody of the baby. Your wife is providing a toxic atmosphere for that child. Her behavior can very badly affect your child. Your lifestyle sounds much happier and child friendly then hers. Baby's love music and guitars..it's good for them.

[Lookingforward]

The whole situation sounds toxic, and bringing a new baby into it...what were you thinking ?

[Bright Shadow]

I know I'm not perfect and that I can be critical, rational, analytical and somewhat non-emotional (esp. compared to my wife), but I am very aware of my "defects" and I really try to address these things daily at both work and home.

Actually these are pretty good qualities for a male, not defects.

I told my wife the day of the ultimatum that I don't know how much longer I can go, giving up what's left of my identity and my self-esteem. I'm really going to need those two things now that we have a kid...

She doesn't want you to give up your identity or your self-esteem. She actually wants you to be strong. If you could lead in your marriage, she would likely calm down a lot. You've abandoned the lead and forced her to take on the role. You've said you can't allow her to call the shots. Decide what you want to do and follow through on it. At this stage, I wouldn't recommend divorce. If you can stand up to her, not taking any of her bull****, it will make you a better man. Then decide if you want to divorce her.

 

Remember, don't let her push you around.

[DragonSlayer]

The whole situation sounds toxic, and bringing a new baby into it...what were you thinking ?

 

Very long story, but the baby was 4 years in the making. Lots of time, money and heartache. The baby was kind of a miracle. The quest for the baby and the infertility issues that ensued didn't help the marriage one bit.

 

What was I thinking? Never thought the M was that bad, to be honest. I was always told it was my fault and the R would be perfect if I just di this and just did that. It really creeps up on you. She has a great way of twisting things around and making me feel like I'm a real piece of ****, that I owe her, etc. I've always focused on trying to make her happy without regard for my own happiness. Never took a good look at the relationship, really. Yes, it was a mistake, but the baby is here and now we've got to move forward.

[porter218]

The infertility issue sheds more light on this drama. Many marriages suffer greatly while trying to overcome infertility. 4 years of this could cause a serious blow to the strongest couple. Still you need to take the baby until she gets counseling and becomes more sensible. Whatever you do, do it with some backbone...no more taking her abuse.

[Bright Shadow]

She has a great way of twisting things around and making me feel like I'm a real piece of ****, that I owe her, etc.

You are responsible for your own emotional state. When all is said and done, all she's throwing at you are words and bluster. You have a choice as to how your going to react to that. Your identity and self-esteem are not hers to take away. You are trying to give them to her to placate her.

 

You could do worse than read this:

http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/forums/showthread.php?t=11084

 

Your marriage might not recover. But you can come away a stronger man.

[Mr. Lucky]

Still you need to take the baby until she gets counseling and becomes more sensible. Whatever you do, do it with some backbone...no more taking her abuse.

A nice idea for him to get custody but probably not going to happen. Absent documented abuse, the best you could hope for is shared legal custody. I'd try to stay far from her but close to your child - obviously a tricky balancing act. It certainly doesn't sound like you should - or based on your post, that you're of a mind to - move back in and play house. As others have said, time to get the best legal advice you can afford...

 

Mr. Lucky

[porter218]

A friend of mine actually did it Mr. Lucky. The almost exact situation as Dragonslayer. He allowed his wife to have their 1 year old only on the weekends until she got enough counseling. This was a legal separation with the hopes to fix their marriage. The courts allowed for him to have main custody after they found her to be severely depressed.

[DragonSlayer]

You could do worse than read this:

http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/forums/showthread.php?t=11084

 

Your marriage might not recover. But you can come away a stronger man.

 

Yep, I have that book and it fits me pretty well. I can't read it around her though. I told her once that I was reading it and she got really mad, saying things like "it just bashes women", "now I'm gonna stand up to me", "you're not a nice guy anyways", etc.

 

She's brought up that book several times in the past few months when we've gotten into fights...she absolutely cannot stand that I'm reading it...I get the "you're an a-hole, not a nice guy thing" a lot. I even told her that it talkes about the negative aspects of the Mr. Nice Guy types...she still can't let it go.

 

It does seem like a good book, though. I was raised by a single mom, and Grandma, and my Dad was completely out of the picture throughout my life. It's the classic situation for a Mr. Niceguy.

 

I had an LTR before this one and it wasn't tumultuous at all. I happened to choose a woman who is just really controlling and high strung...and who has a lot of her own "Daddy issues"...of which the counselor wants her to work on with her Dad...who actually always was in the picture...physically, anyways.

[DragonSlayer]

Regarding custody...

 

My wife is very stable outside of the marriage...it's just me that she abuses. She does a wonderful job with the baby and is extremely good and patient with him...plus her mom had been there in our home the first month (didn't help the marriage at all) and her sister is around a lot to help her. It's just when I'm around that she gets unstable...we had a fight yesterday b/c I glanced around her at the TV while I was feeding him. She said I should be looking at him the whole time I'm feeding him...went on to say I'm not a good person and have major problems.

 

I was visiting him for four hours...had just walked him for an hour in the stroller, and haven't watched a single TV show in 3 weeks since I've been staying with my mom. That kind of stuff is just really hard to take. She judges every thing I say and do but doesn't consider herself critical and judgmental...tells me I am b/c I tell her the food needs more salt...after she asks me if it does or not.

 

Back to the point...I'd be fine with joint custody if we split. She does a great job meeting his needs as a baby. As he gets older, who knows, but being with me 1/2 the time may protect him from her judgmental nature, controlling personality, and high strung attitude.

[Woggle]

Why on earth would you created a child with a woman like this? That can't be undone so tell her that if the abusive behavior does not stop you will file divorce and if she continues follow through. Stop being such a doormat for her because the only think she will respect is if you respect yourself and demand respect from her.

[Bright Shadow]

She judges every thing I say and do but doesn't consider herself critical and judgmental...tells me I am b/c I tell her the food needs more salt...after she asks me if it does or not.

She's not going to relinquish the power in the relationship easily. Remember, she's all words and bluster, no more. Sounds to me like you're doing a fine job with your child. It's up to you to judge your own performance, not her. We're all human, none of us perfect and you need to stop allowing her to set your standards for you. Just do the best you can.

 

You can discount 99.99% of any criticisms she has of you.

 

Read the book, but don't tell her anything about it. Have a look at some of the posts on that other forum.

[DragonSlayer]

You could do worse than read this:

http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/forums/showthread.php?t=11084

 

Your marriage might not recover. But you can come away a stronger man.

 

Oops, I thought you were quoting the book...the article basically says women want to be led. I do agree with this b/c they often feel like they have to make a lot of decisions such as groceries, dinner, vacation plans, etc.

 

The interesting thing is that when I do take charge and make plans, my wife usually erupts if I didn't plan it the way she would have or if it didn't meet her expectations.

 

• When we go to yard sales and I drive, she criticizes the spots I choose to park..I didn't park where she would have parked.
  
• She always takes back jewelry I get her...and has been hurtful with her presentation of why she doesn't like it.
  
• A few months ago she asked me to order lunch for her at a deli...she thought it would be fun. She was pissed when she realized that I didn't "guess" what she would have ordered...which I didn't think was the point...big fight ensued.
  
• A couple of months ago I planned a long evening out, sunset, dinner, then we saw a local band play....we got home and she was pissed because she said she doesn't like bars and the trip was "for you, not me".
  
• For Mother's Day I got her 1/2 dozen thoughtful gifts, mushy card, and took her and the 10 day old baby on a little picnic. She was extremely upset because the gifts and cards were from "me"...not our 10 day old son...WTF?! And I asked her if subway subs and a picnic at the park around the corner sounded good...She said I should have just told her we're doing that. Hmph...then deal with the consequences if she wasn't happy with that idea (see above).
  
• Finally the last straw when she decided to make me leave had to do with me taking a stand...She wanted me to drive 1100 miles to visit her and her family in PA (she's flying up), then we'd drive down together and visit other family. I said "No Way...I'm flying up to join you, then we'll get a one-way rental to come down...I don't care what the premium for a one-way rental is...I'm not driving 20 hours and spending $200 on gas to save a few hundred bucks on a rental car." She then insisted that she'd just drive up with the baby to "save" the money. I said "Fine, if that's what you want to do". Well....later that night after talking to her Mom, she decided that a MAN would NOT let his wife drive to PA (even if she insisted) and that I'm a worthless excuse for a man... She would not entertain my idea of just flying up and paying the premium...she was done and wanted me out.
  

I didn't intend for this thread to be about complaining, venting, etc, but I see a lot of posts on here about taking charge, etc to build respect. I'm not convinced that this works with ALL women. When my wife tells me to do something "now' and I say "You just need to give me 10 minutes...I'm doing something else right now and it's not right for you to order me around!" I get..."Yeah, you're just trying to take control by not doing what I ask. You're on such a power trip."

 

You all may find it interesting that my wife is adamant that I wear the pants in the family, that I have all the control, and that I have the upper hand in the relationship. This usually comes up when I don't jump on her command. She must be in control at all times or she feels that she is losing control and that I am trying to gain control.

 

Now, does this woman really sound like one who is dying for me to stand up and take a lead?

[Woggle]

She's testing you to see if you have the balls to put her in her place. I say you should try and pass the test with flying colors.

[LucreziaBorgia]

She wants to change you into someone else - someone she thinks she will be happy with. As soon as you change, she'll find fault and want you to change again.

 

The problem? Hers, not yours.

 

The solution? A trip to a lawyer to discuss a legal separation and custody issues. Please try to get the bulk of the custody. She may be fine with the baby now, but as soon as you leave she will need another scapegoat because she lacks the ability and willingness to realize that SHE is the problem. She will turn it on your child when she can't find anyone else to turn it on. Don't let that happen.

 

She needs help. Or at the very least, she needs to be cut loose so that she can stop f*cking your life up.

[Darth Vader]

Well, I'm not sure what to do. My marriage has been extremely rocky since last summer/fall, very rough for the past 2-5 years, and fairly challenging for our entire relationship. I've tried to make her happy, but I consistently cannot meet her expectations. When I don't, she becomes verbally and emotionally abusive using all the classic emotional blackmail trips, rage, etc. She has claimed that if I "do this" or "do that" she wouldn't have to scream, yell, call me names, tell me I'm an a-hole, prick, bad person, no personality, tell she hates me, can't stand me etc.

 

Since our newborn arrived a few weeks ago, she has really raised the bar. She told me I'm not giving her enough attention the day after the baby was born... Lately she has been on a "you're not a man" kick because of my choice of hobbies (I like music, I like to play guitar, I play Guitar Hero somtimes, and some other things that she calls childish...she says I should take up golf like a real man), how I dress ( I have a good white collar job, but wear t-shirts and sneakers on the weekends...she says I should wear golf shirts), and how I wear my hair (kinda long and hip, but still short), and due to her perception that I'm lazy and don't do anything around the house (totally untrue). She's also recently attacked me for my personality...I'm a technical type...not really a super social type, but friendly to people...I've been that way since we were teenagers. She tells me I have no personality and am depressed...hmm...wonder why.

 

She has continually blamed everything on me and said I'm doing nothing...even after taking down my guitars, unhooking my video games, stepping up my domestic duties, and getting a new weekend wardrobe. She demanded that I leave the house 3 weeks ago and wanted me to stay out for a few months to "learn how to love". Since then I've been getting all kinds of grief, feeling like I "should" be at home. I go everyday to see the baby but it's fine one day and hell the next, depending on her mood or expectations of me that day.

 

Anyways, I've been trying to hold onto this marriage for months now and explore every avenue. We started going to a new counselor (psychologist) recently where I was hoping we'd keep it together long enough for her to get strong advice or maybe even a true diagnosis of a personality disorder or something...I've even thought she may be bipolar with her fits of rage, etc. I can see that the shrink tip-toes around her, but my wife is not getting the message. At the end of the our most recent session, I kinda lost it and made it clear that I'm not sure if I am even going to stay in this marriage. Basically, because she keeps making excuses for the abuse, and hearing that we need to "communicate more effectively" and I need to comfort her more when she's upset just drove me nuts.

 

Well, last week she gave me a 24 hr ultimatum. Either I'm going to tell her that I'm going to move back in and start to work REALLY hard on this and make it work, or I'm going to tell her I want a divorce. If I don't answer then she's getting a lawyer. At the time, I told her that I wanted to continue staying separated and continue going to the counselor in order to really see what we have...before jumping back into the relationship. She said "No" and the ultimatum stood.

 

So the 24 hrs was up and she confronted me about my decision. I took a stand and told her that my "decision" was that it was not her decision to tell me when to make such a big decision as divorce. Told her I need more time and want to continue going to a counselor. She was pissed. Called me a coward and told me that she'd be calling an attorney monday morning. I told her to do what she has to do. I just can't have her continuing to call all the shots.... "sleep in the other room...now come back to our room" "leave this house....now come back" "tell me by tomorrow whether you want a divorce". It's bull...

 

So, I don't know if she's really going to call an attorney but I guess I need to do that myself. In a few days, she's leaving for a 2-3 week trip with the baby to see her family. She has a one-way ticket because when she planned it, I was supposed to meet her up there then drive down together. Now, that's most likely off.

 

I could that tell she wanted a resolution to our marriage by the time she left for the trip. I just don't think that's something that you schedule like that. I wasn't ready to totally give up, but I wasn't ready to start in 100% with her...especially after no admission of any guilt, no apology, and not even a "please come back to the house...I didn't mean to throw you out"... she hasn't even discussed any of that with me. Besides, the counselor was supposed to be one-on-one counseling for her...it wasn't intened to be "marriage counseling"...which is what it turned into when I joined her for the second and third visits.

 

So, I'm kind of at my wits end. Although I'm finally taking a little control by not moving back at her whim and not giving in to her ultimatum, I still feel kinda lost. I need to take charge of my life and my happiness and I'm afraid that divorce may be the only thing left to do since she will NOT look at herself and will NOT allow me to be an individual or respect me as a person. The dragon that I'm up against seems incredibly daunting at times, though.

 

Any words of advice? Yes, I could stay in the marriage, but at this point I'm convinced that she cannot and will not stop the abuse, and that I will never make her happy or meet her insatiable demands and expectations.

 

Is this pretty much how it feels when divorce seems to be the only option for happiness??

 

Thanks,

 

DragonSlayer

 

 

I'm wondering who she's screwing, I'd get a Paternaty test done to make sure the child is yours. Get a good lawyer and get away from this woman!

 

BTW, she sounds Narcisstic.

 

She then insisted that she'd just drive up with the baby to "save" the money. I said "Fine, if that's what you want to do". Well....later that night after talking to her Mom, she decided that a MAN would NOT let his wife drive to PA (even if she insisted) and that I'm a worthless excuse for a man... She would not entertain my idea of just flying up and paying the premium...she was done and wanted me out.

 

Uh huh, possibly sounds like she wants some "alone" time, perhaps with someone else? That's what I'm reading "in between the lines"........

 

The abuse is a red flag, as I'm sure most will agree.

[JerseyShortie]

I'd stay the course, she's got you to thinking you're the problem ~ when in fact she's got some serious issues to work on herself.

 

In other words? Its not just you!

 

I 100% agree with this. Your wife as serious issues from the past that she has brought into your marriage to create a toxic environment. Maybe this was something her mother would do to her father or her father to her mother. Either way, the way she is treating you is disgusting. It's a partnership and from what you say, it sounds like she thinks you are the only one that needs to make changes. However, there are always two sides to the story. And while you in no way deserve to be treated like she is treating you, you also have to be honest about how you have treated her. You both have a lot to work on. I really hope it works out for you.

 

I will also ad that when women feel out of control and unsafe/unsure of the future, they do their best to try and control things. Your wife is obviously feeling very out of control even though she is trying to hide it behind her controlling behavior.

[DragonSlayer]

I'm wondering who she's screwing, I'd get a Paternaty test done to make sure the child is yours. Get a good lawyer and get away from this woman!

 

BTW, she sounds Narcisstic.

 

Uh huh, possibly sounds like she wants some "alone" time, perhaps with someone else? That's what I'm reading "in between the lines"........

 

The abuse is a red flag, as I'm sure most will agree.

 

No, it was in vitro fertilization. She's not screwing anyone. She simply wants to save money by one of us driving the first leg of the trip...she'd prefer it to be me but said she'd do it to save money when I insisted on us both just flying.

 

She resorts to the abuse as a way to motivate me to change and meet her needs. It's her M.O....it's the only way she knows how to operate. The problem is that her expectations are extremely high, very shallow, and very unfair.

 

Yes, I'd say she's narcissistic...she scored highly in that area when she took a personality test online...she also scored highly for histrionic and dependent. Those qualities make it very difficult to deal with her and for her to see both sides of things.

[Lookingforward]

I'm wondering who she's screwing, I'd get a Paternaty test done to make sure the child is yours. Get a good lawyer and get away from this woman!

 

If they have been trying for 4 years through fertility programs etc to have a child, I doubt that's necessary..........

[Lookingforward]

Dragon

 

your W has serious personal issues and if she won't go into IC to address them, you need to forget HER and concern yourself with your situation and the health and well being of your new infant.

 

As LB said, it is entirely possible that if YOU are removed from the situation she will direct her issues onto your child. This is not an "oh I'm unhappy in my M" scenario, this is a seriously dysfunctional R.

 

I'm sure as usual there are two sides to the story, but from what you've posted, in this case I think you're better off just putting this R behind you as soon as possible.

[DragonSlayer]

I 100% agree with this. Your wife as serious issues from the past that she has brought into your marriage to create a toxic environment. Maybe this was something her mother would do to her father or her father to her mother. Either way, the way she is treating you is disgusting. It's a partnership and from what you say, it sounds like she thinks you are the only one that needs to make changes. However, there are always two sides to the story. And while you in no way deserve to be treated like she is treating you, you also have to be honest about how you have treated her. You both have a lot to work on. I really hope it works out for you.

 

I will also ad that when women feel out of control and unsafe/unsure of the future, they do their best to try and control things. Your wife is obviously feeling very out of control even though she is trying to hide it behind her controlling behavior.

 

I 100% agree with this. Your wife as serious issues from the past that she has brought into your marriage to create a toxic environment. Maybe this was something her mother would do to her father or her father to her mother. Either way, the way she is treating you is disgusting. It's a partnership and from what you say, it sounds like she thinks you are the only one that needs to make changes. However, there are always two sides to the story. And while you in no way deserve to be treated like she is treating you, you also have to be honest about how you have treated her. You both have a lot to work on. I really hope it works out for you.

 

I will also ad that when women feel out of control and unsafe/unsure of the future, they do their best to try and control things. Your wife is obviously feeling very out of control even though she is trying to hide it behind her controlling behavior.

 

Yes, she does have issues from her past. Lots of resentment of her parents...emotionally unavailable Dad who screamed (according to her little sister) and a controlling (and I think narcissistic) Mom. Her Mom was with us for a month after the baby came and has been feeding into this. I talked with her and she lectured me on the same things my wife has been...my hobbies, my hair, the way I talk to them (too detailed, etc), my supposedly lagging "domestic duties", etc. She even talked negatively about my mom for 1/2 an hour...just as my wife has done for years.

 

Yes, my wife must be in control to feel good...if she's not in control, she's out of control. She has slowly ramped this controlling behavior up over the years, but the relationship has always been kind of tumultuous with her mood swings. I'm very peaceful and fairly non-confrontational, so it's always been about me trying to keep her placated and the waters smooth. There is a price for that, though.