Bright Shadow Posted June 16, 2008 Share Posted June 16, 2008 I think ANY other wife would consider me a good husband and definitely a "man"... From your description in this post, you've got your stuff together. She clearly hasn't. Her behavior, well, it's not acceptable. And it seems as though she's not going to change it. Either you accept her behavior or divorce her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DragonSlayer Posted June 16, 2008 Author Share Posted June 16, 2008 J2FT1...well, it's a little complex because I know that I've become dependent on her to a certain extent (which is what she intends) and I realized that when I met her that she actually filled in places that my mom left vacant since I was 12 or 13 and she remarried....but that's another story. So I think I have a hard time seperating my feelings of "love" and "dependence" or obligation, to be honest. I'd say I love her because she makes me feel really good at times and we can have a lot of fun together traveling, working, running around, whatever we're doing. She's a great wife as far as people typically define a wife...she cooks, sends x-mas cards to our families, helps me with projects, brings water to me when I'm working on the cars or yard, and has embraced my family...she really tries to be a good wife in those respects. She can be charming, witty, fun, and she brings out sides of me that need to come out more often...fun, emotional, more social sides. However, when Mr. Hyde comes out, she's scary...and she brings out sides and emotions in me that make me feel really uncomfortable... Any book that I read about abuse describes her "type" to a T...their charm, thougtfulness, attention, and even obessesion over you sweeps you up. Your friends envy you for having such a "perfect" girlfriend/spouse. You fall hard and really can't imagine your life without them...but before you know it, they've slowly gotten you under their spell and feel the "right" to manipulate and control every aspect of your life...including who and how often you'll spend your time with. But somehow, maybe since they're wonderful to everyone else in the world, you feel that they'll change, that you'll get it right next time, or that it's really not that bad. I do feel a level of obligation to her because we're married and I feel love for her...although maybe no longer in the right way. It's sad at times, becuase she gets sooooo unhappy and she's convinced that if I "just do this" or "just do that" that she'll be happy...but it's a botomless pit of need, approval, and acceptance that I'll never fill...and it gets harder for me to try to fill when her abuse escalates to a point that I sometimes wish I were dead. It's sad to me, because I know that she doesn't see this...she considers herself "low maintenance", "a catch", and "deserving of this" or "deserving of that". Her narcissistic traits make it very hard for her to see the major flaws in her personality...especially when she has 1000 friends that tell her that she's absolutely wonderful. Yes, she's wonderful as a friend or family member as long as you don't get too close... Sorry, that was a long answer to a simple question... Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted June 16, 2008 Share Posted June 16, 2008 The really scary thing about being with a person like your W, is that even if you do decide to D, you have to wonder if you'll find someone else that's willing to put up with the psycho ex from hell and with a child now you will never be 'free' from her influence........ So I guess you have to try your damndest to straighten her out within the bounds of staying with her. Of course the hardest thing there is to even get her to admit she has a serious problem that needs resolving. Wish I could be more optimistic for you........ Link to post Share on other sites
Author DragonSlayer Posted June 16, 2008 Author Share Posted June 16, 2008 Yes, she's going to be in my life forever, regardless of what happens, and she could cause strain in future relationships. That's why I was happy that she was going to counseling...I do hope that she'll see some things and become a little self-reflective with counseling. However, I know that at $150/hr, as soon as I tell her..."I'm done"...she'll stop going to counseling and probably find ways to make my life hell. My step-dad's ex is abusive too...my mom had to deal with it since he has two kids, but she kept her distance and it worked out OK...his kids were much older, though. I really can't live in fear of the present or the future. What I need to do now is to continue standing up to her, continue trying not to play her games, and get her used to the idea that I'm not going to continue taking her abuse and control. I still may decide to divorce, but at least she will have gotten the idea that she is not 100% in control and will never be. It would be more on my terms for once. That's the idea anyways...easier to say when she's 1000 miles away and I only have to talk to her on the phone once a day Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 16, 2008 Share Posted June 16, 2008 It doesnt sound like your marriage is gonna last. I mean all that distance and the fighting? I mean is this what you want? what do you want? Link to post Share on other sites
Author DragonSlayer Posted June 16, 2008 Author Share Posted June 16, 2008 Well, yes, that's a safe assumption to make...there are obviously huge problems. By distance...if you mean physical distance, she's on a trip to visit her family with the baby...it's not permanent. What do I want? I'm not sure, but I do know that I want a functional environment to raise our son in (whether it's us together or a part), and I want a relationship built on mutual respect, understanding, and acceptance. I have to decide whether that is possible with my wife...it's looking more and more like the answer is no... I really do try to do all the above with her....I have a LOT of tolerance with her and it's not easy. Link to post Share on other sites
t_veron Posted June 16, 2008 Share Posted June 16, 2008 From your description and getting more info it makes it a little clearer. You ever notice the more you do the less it's appreciated? I don't doubt physically you're a man. You sound like a very stable man to that effect. Sounds like what your wife needs you can't give her. I would venture to guess that is something emotional. However, I don't think it's something specifically about you I think it's something only she can give to herself and that's being happy with herself. I think this is worth saving so give her what she saw in you when you met... stability.... while she deals with things. Whether it's therapy or reading a self discovery book I don't doubt this can be fixed but it's going to be a lot of pressure on her and with the new kid and possibly post-partum depression it might get worse before it gets better. On the bright side there are a lot of couple that go through this. Your situtation is very much worth fixing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DragonSlayer Posted June 17, 2008 Author Share Posted June 17, 2008 A counselor that we returned to last October looked over at my wife at one point and said "You need to make yourself happy first." She got really pissed and it took everything she had to stay for the rest of the session. I agree with you, but she thinks her self esteem is fine and that I need to provide her with happiness...we've discussed it. I do my damnest...but NOTHING I do is right or good enough...I can't plan a date right, buy the right presents, say the right comforting words, or perform the right comforting gestures at the right time. Yes, the relationship COULD be great...but not as long as she is a bottomless pit of emptiness and need. She considers herself emotionally low maintenance... but she's far from it, and that's part of the problem. Yes, it will be pressure on her, but she's made it very clear that for "us" to get better it will be "a lot of work" from me and that I have to change a lot of things to meet her emotional needs. I've put in a lot of work over the years, including counseling, and it's never enough...she just raises the bar and needs more and more affirmation, validation, and attention. All the while, she refuses to stop the control, the manipulation, and the verbal and emotional abuse. I wrote out that list of the things I do...keep in mind...she continually tells me that I'm LAZY and don't get anything done...it's bull****. I don't want to get my ass kissed b/c I do those things...I just don't want her to tell me I'm lazy, selfish, and not a man because I like to spend time doing things I enjoy once in a while. If the marriage can be saved, she will need to change A LOT...so far she has been unwilling to do that and has placed all the blame on me. Oh, as far as when we met....we were 17 and 18...I worked evenings and weekends as a bus boy and dishwasher and lived with my mom while working my way through college. She didn't have a job and lived with her aunt while attending the same college I did. I couldn't provide her with anything more than "me"...and back then she was very happy with just "me"...now...not the case. She doesn't want "me" anymore...she wants some ideal husband that is the composite of all the best "husband traits" she's seen from her friends, on Sex in the City, or whatever. Now it feels like the M is all about "what have you done for me lately". Yes, I long for those old days...but with her current state of mind, I'm afraid those days are impossible. BTW, she didn't carry the baby, so post partum depression or recovery is not an explanation Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 Man, I feel for you. I know it must be difficult to keep it together in the face of all that craziness, but the only thing I can say is that I think it's important that you not let her cross the street and make her problems your fault. You know you're a good guy -- don't let her tell you any different. She doesn't want "me" anymore...she wants some ideal husband that is the composite of all the best "husband traits" she's seen from her friends, on Sex in the City, or whatever. Now it feels like the M is all about "what have you done for me lately". I am reading a book that discusses this very concept. Our generation of women was told that we can have it all, and we have fallen into a trap of holding sky-high expectations for our men that they often cannot meet. I have been guilty of it at times, and I'm working on it. Link to post Share on other sites
t_veron Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 Sorry to hear how things are going Jack. And with more and more details it's clear where this is going. The best thing (and hardest) you can do if you want to work things out is distance yourself from her. I know it's hard when you're married to someone and see them every day. As best as you can distance yourself physically and emotionally from them but don't stop respecting them. It's the only way someone can step back and see what they had and are now losing. May take weeks or months but if you stand your ground and not give in by helping and doing the things they claim you don't do it will bring them down to earth quick. They say set them free and they will come back to you. If they don't, they were never yourself to begin with. That is very true and that's how boundries should be set. Not violence, anger, manipulation, etc... It's hard and emotionally draining not to help someone. Because they never learned to help themselves and you feel like you're letting the person down. You're not though, you're building up their self worth by forcing them to be responsible for their themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
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