Wife says Emotional Affair is "Just Friends"

[n9688m]

My wife of 14 years has been having an EA with a long-term coworker for at least 6 months. This became a physical affair for at least 6 weeks. She then told me the classic "I love you but I am not in love with you" as well as "I have been lonely for so long and you would not meet my needs" (note she never said this before, we had been doing all sorts of long-term planning in our lives, we had been having sex 3 times per week for years, etc.). This was a huge shock to me, we tried counseling (during which time the EA continued and the PA continued at least at the outset), counseling was futile, and now we are negotiating terms for divorce.

 

What is really frustrating for me at this point - indeed I verge on fits of anger at times - is that my wife admits the PA but denies the existence of the EA ("we are just good friends - I have lots of friends") and in particular denies the effect of the EA on our marriage. Among her now-stated reasons she was unhappy in our marriage was that "we didn't connect" - well perhaps we didn't connect because for months she was emailing her coworker a dozen times a day, including sometimes into the wee hours of the morning, about all sorts of details of her life and even about our marriage? And perhaps the PA weakened that connection even further?

 

I suppose one could say there is nothing to accomplish by focusing on this because she clearly wants out of the marriage no matter what and I have been hurt so much by this that reconciliation would be extremely hard no matter what. But I do seek closure on this so I do not repeat history in a future relationship. I also plan to share equal custody of our 2 young children with my STBXW so I would like to have a functional relationship with her. But that's really hard considering she trivializes the impact of the PA, outright denies the EA, yet it's abundantly clear the EA is still going strong. In particular, I am really angry that we attempted marriage counseling yet that was obviously futile if an EA was ongoing through that process.

 

I guess more than anything else it seems to me that whatever issues may have made her unhappy, she owed it to me at least to make a credible effort at counseling without the complication of the OM. Without that effort it is really hard for me to not feel incredibly hurt and betrayed, nor can I easily accept a role in causing this divorce. And despite the incredible odds against our reconciling at this point, a tiny part of me wonders if she had freed herself of this EA and ceased communication with the OM, just maybe she could have gained enough distance to realize what she was really doing and why there was a chance for counseling to solve whatever underlying problems might have been in our relationship.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You know the truth, and all you gotta do is call her out everytime she seeks to explain. Cheaters dont want to say the truth because they dont want to admit it to themselves. they dont want to be humbled.

 

So your form of closure means nothing. All you gotta do is move on and if anyone asks just say: she cheated, she wanted out, I filed it's over. She cant deny it. That just friends denial is just that. Denial.

 

In a court of public opinion if you present all the facts and hard proof she would be guilty.

 

She's only fooling herself wit that just friends defense, it's so paper thin, it wouldnt hold up under scrutiny.

 

Just move on, forget about what she's doing. Just keep continiuing to call her a liar and just keep it moving. She'll snap outta it on her own. but she wont right now because she stuck and doesnt want to admit blame.

 

Forget it, go and get some new coochie.

[Tripper]

n9, I feel your frustration.

 

Cheaters live in denial and deception. They believe that they won't get caught, they are justified in cheating and a 1000 other rationalizations.

They get caught up in the frenzy of the affair, not realizing that it's not real life; the nitty gritty details are non-existent.

It becomes very easy to assuage their own guilt by going through counseling and saying they tried.

 

The fact of the matter is that your W is guilty of all the typical behaviours and attitudes of cheaters and whether she admits it or not, in her heart of hearts she knows the truth.

 

It leaves you in a very lousy space. Frustration is anger turned inwards and while you are certainly justified you need to find away to let it go... consider some therapy for yourself. You don't want to live with anger..

 

Personally, I think this whole "I love you but am not in love with you" line is a crock and a cop out. In any relationship there is change; the passion of the early days tends to die down over the years. It's a great way for women to rationalize a break up.

 

If you are unhappy in a relationship, you owe it to yourself to find out why and to your partner to communicate this so that you can either resolve and repair the R or end it. Having an A, the claiming all sorts of reasons is cowardly.

[LostHusband]

Women never will admit to having an EA, they always say it's "just friends". You are not alone there. However - it doesn't matter because she isn't having an EA - if it has become physical it is an AFFAIR! It's past the EA part and has become a full blown affair, which involves emotions AND the physical. I don't really understand how she freely admits to the PA and denies any emotions are involved? Oh wait yes I can see my first sentance.