Mistake and Regret

[Zakuro]

Well, it's a long story... I've always been that "do the right thing", "no regrets", "take responsibility for my actions" kind of girl; but recently this thing happened and i feel so horrible and confused, i dont even feel like myself and i dont know what to do, i mean i do know what i can do but i cant make up my mind!

 

So here's what happened..

I have a boyfriend, my second boyfriend ever, and I'm his first girlfriend, he's 20 and i'm 18, and we've been together for over a year.

I had a boyfriend before him but it was complicated, he was complicated, a jerk in other words, he hurt me really bad and we never did anything more than hold hands, hug and whatnot..

So my boyfriend and i were each other's first everything, first real relationship, first kiss, and eventually first sexual partner...

I was quite happy with him, and we had our differences but i loved him all the same, and he thought i was his perfect girl.......

Then it all changed so quickly!

We met in a class we were both in at the moment, we were both taking some time off, he was still deciding what to study in college and i was taking time off from high school for some problems. So we had all the time in the world, but then school started again, i went to a new school in San Diego and he went off to College in Tijuana (Mexico), he took minimal classes so he came out at 1 and had the rest of the day off, but i came out at 2:30 and by the time i got to Tijuana to visit him it was later than 5, and his work changed locations so he had to start working in Tecate (a state next to Tijuana, like an hour, hour and a half away) from Friday to Monday, so we couldn't see each other those days anymore since he got back by 9, so we were left with 3 days we could see each other for maximum of 4 hrs, most of the time less, also taking into account homework time, and that i have training sessions for martial arts after 8, which i cannot abandon!

So it just got so complicated, and we saw each other so little, that it got to be too much, also considering the pressures i had on me being a senior in high school, having college applications and interviews, having to work on my portfolio (being an artist), and being an instructor in my martial arts academy, plus whatever other pressures of normal day life.

I started trying to think of a way to take pressure off myself, high school and college were obviously too important to abandon, and i couldn't stop going to my martial arts academy, i had a responsibility and i wasn't gonna walk out on my master, especially after all he's done for me... So all i could think of was breaking up with him, or taking a break or something... i was quite overwhelmed, confused at times even...

We went out for our 1 year anniversary, talked and he said something about him not wanting anyone else, that if it wasn't because we were so young he would marry me, but he feels that he wants no one else ever...

So, already overwhelmed i kinda freak out, commitment phobia arising, i started thinking i wasnt ready for that kind of commitment, i loved him but i wasnt sure if i wanted to spend my life with him, i still wanted to date other guys, have other experiences... so OMG freak out! after a few weeks i talk to him and express how i need some time, that i have too much on my mind, so he lets me have some time, i wanted to go on a break but he didnt so we decided on just some time without seeing each other..

Then this one day after school as any other day i walked to the bus, got on and sat there with my psp as i was in for a long ride, so this guy sits by me and starts making conversation, i think "oh well some conversation could do me good", so we talk all the way to the station, we have so much in common and he goes to my school also! but i wasn't interested cuz i had a boyfriend, though we were on a break but not exactly seeing other people..

So we start hanging out in school sometimes, just talking, and this one day all of a sudden he kisses me! i didnt see it coming, so all i did was stand there like and idiot staring at him and walked away...

this confused me even further!!!!!!

So i didn't do anything, i just acted as if nothing happened, then this one day eventually broke and i HAD to tell my boyfriend, and he said it was ok, that he even felt sorry for that guy...

But he was cool, we had interesting conversations and i could use the company on the bus, so i figured if he tried to make a move again i would stop him, and later on he did again and i stopped him, but by that time we had gotten to know each other a lot, and i dont know exactly what i was thinking, i guess in a way i was interested, but in another not.. so instead of telling him to back off, which was what i should've done, i kept hanging out with him, and it was insane! we had SO much in common, not just in interests but in ways of thought! in a way, he was all i had thought i wanted in a guy.

So we kept hanging out, and one day, a crazy, weird, day, he invited me to his house to play video games with some friends, so later on they left and we were alone, we continued playing and i started thinking i should be going home soon, but i was having fun, so i stayed.. then, all of a sudden he kissed me, and i dont know why i didnt do anything, i just didnt think (which is so weird! i normally over-think things!), and things got out of hand, we ended up sleeping together...

I dont know how that could have happened! i felt so awful, in a way i numbed myself and just avoided it..

Then he started thinking we were together, and turned out he had had bad experiences with girls before, but then met me and apparently i showed him not all girls are the same, and he fell for me, and now thinks im the most perfect girl for him...

SO NOW im stuck with two guys that think im their perfect girl!

And i dont know what to do...

As soon as i stopped avoiding the issue, i started thinking, either i tell my boyfriend and try to work things out with him, or i dont tell him and break up with him.... cuz i know if i tell him it will DESTROY him, but i cant continue to be with him and lie to him.... and i tried to break up with him but he wouldnt let me! three times i tried, the last two he gave in and eventually called me in the middle of the night crying, telling me he couldnt live without me... and i didnt know what to say!!!!!!!

So it's been well over a month, and we're still on a break, and i still have no idea what to do....

And it all got worse this one day i saw him, and he kissed me, and i realized i love him... i might think the other guy is perfect for me, but i love my boyfriend!! if i think of breaking up with him and him dating someone else i get extremely jealous, i think of his hugs and kisses and feel so good but so guilty and bad at the same time.... i love him..

And it makes things worse...

Although i could love that perfect guy, i dont think any time soon, since i Love my bf still... and i cant believe i did something so hurtful...... and its not fair to either of them!

I know what i could do, but i dont know what i should do.

I could break up completely with my boyfriend and continue to be with that perfect guy, get over my bf and whatnot...

I could break off things with that perfect guy that i like but dont love, and tell my boyfriend what happened, see what happens, try to work things out...

I could break off things with both of them, maybe until i know what i want, or get over my bf, or just not date at all...

What should i do though??? i really dont know... i'm just so confused....

 

If anyone can give me their point of view, comments, advice, what they would do in my place, i would appreciate it greatly! seriously, i dont know what's wrong with me....

[theobserver]

Sigh.

 

First of all everything I say is just my opinion and how I see things. In the end you will do what you want regardless of any advice here.

 

I believe deep down you are no longer in love with your boyfriend. Don't get me wrong I'm sure you love him but your not "in love", if you were you wouldn't of put yourself in the situation with the other "perfect" guy several times that eventually led up to you sleeping with him. I think it's horrible that the fact you warned your boyfriend in the early days when it was just a kiss he merely said "he felt sorry for the other guy" I'm not a woman but maybe when you heard that comment a part of you was shocked. Shocked he wasn't going to do anything about it, not even have "talks" with the guy to set him straight.

 

I find many women like their man to take a stand not let people walk over them etc he should of taken more action and maybe a part of you resented that expecting more of a reaction for him to defend your honor.

 

Now the **** is about to hit the fan.

First of all you have cheated. Lets get that right out there. Say it. Your a cheater. It doesn't make you evil or satan your just a cheater. You've broken the trust between yourself and your boyfriend, you MUST tell him what has happened, BELIEVE ME he is going to be pissed when he finds out who it was with and make sure you tell him too. Please do not tell him to not hurt the other guy if he wants to duke it out with "mr perfect" then let him it's the least you can do to let him regain his pride.

 

Decide right now as your reading this post if you can be with a guy that would seduce a girl who is in a relationship, although he didn't cheat himself it shows lack of control and morals.

 

I don't think you should stay with your boyfriend not unless you can clearly look within yourself to find out why you slept with another man There's always a reason no matter how small. If you do want to stay with him then it's his choice to forgive you or not, understand that the relationship may never be the same and he will want you to cut contact with the other guy completely within reason since your in the same school.

 

I really don't think you should be with the other guy unless your both happy to date with it not going any further then hanging with sex. Essentially friends with benefits . I personally wouldn't, cut your ties with both. Take some time to think and be yourself alone and evaluate what you've done and given up.

Use this pain and confusion and make sure it doesn't happen in your next relationship.

 

By The Way after reading about the engaged man that played you, basically disrespected you and lied and what not I really don't see how you've now done this to your boyfriend. My main advice to others in a similar situation who havent had sec with the other guy/girl yet tell your partner your feelinds before it gets to sexual intercourse and end the relationship or try to work on things .

 

Best of Luck Zakuro whatever you do.

[Javelin]

Zakuro,

 

(Reserved)

[Javelin]

Zakuro,

 

I'm not going to show you any sympathy, but what I can do is give my feedback based upon what I've read. Forgive me if I may come off as harsh, but I tell it like it is and it's not always nice.

 

Onto Business...

 

If anyone can give me their point of view

 

If I were watching you from a cloud, peering down into your life during the span of these events; I would say that you alone were the cause of all the problems. At anytime you could have avoided all of this, but you continued to add ingredients to this recipe of disaster.

 

Also, please stop acting like you're so confused about everything, because from what I've read, you knew exactly what you wanted. You just didn't have it in you to tell your boyfriend that you weren't nearly into him as he was into you.

 

" I started thinking i wasn't ready for that kind of commitment, i loved him but i wasn't sure if i wanted to spend my life with him, i still wanted to date other guys, have other experiences... so OMG freak out! "

 

So why did you settle for just a break with him? Why not just break up altogether? Why prolong the inevitable and put yourself in this situation? Is sleeping with someone else easier than telling your boyfriend that you want to end the relationship because it's becoming a burden? Let me point out something, now you have to tell him that you've cheated on him, perhaps you should have built the courage to end the relationship after all?

 

 

I don't know what's wrong with me.

 

I know what's wrong with you.

 

You're selfish, but you feel as though you are selfless because you hate to see people hurt. Unfortunately it's people with this mentality that end up in situations like this one. You have alternative motivates that you keep to yourself and when things get rough you crumble under the pressure. Don't get me wrong, you're not a bad person, you just need to build more courage, so this doesn't happen in the future. You're still young and this is a mistake that you can learn from, which I hope you do.

 

What you need to do now is be upfront with your boyfriend and break up with him. Don't lie, bend the truth, or hide anything from him because he has a right to know and I'm sure if you were in his shoes, you would want the same curtsy. As for this other guy, well that's for you to decide. I highly recommend that you tell him what's going on as well (after you've told your boyfriend), because judging by what you've typed, I don't think he knows that you are in a relationship with someone else.

 

You've made poor decisions up until now, posting your problems on loveshack is definately a step in the right direction. I hope the advice you find here helps steer you on a more virtuous path.

 

Good luck, Zakuro.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I could break up completely with my boyfriend and continue to be with that perfect guy, get over my bf and whatnot...

 

This is your best option. It causes the least amount of pain for everyone involved.

 

I know in a way you think it's cool cause your "on break", but it's not. Especially since you initiated that break.

 

So, just take this piece of advice from me. Someone who has been there and knows how the story ends. Dump your BF, and don't talk to him for a month... maybe longer.

 

Also, realize that no guy is perfect. If you think that your going to be consistently disappointed. They all seem great the first couple months.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you expect your boyfriend to be honest with you that he slept with someone else behind your back?

[Sal Paradise]

You have to tell your boyfriend. If you love him and respect him you will tell him (though one could argue that if you loved and respected him this wouldn't have happened).

 

I think it's intellectually dishonest to say you don't know how this happened. You knew he had feelings. You knew the relationship was inappropriate yet you allowed it to continue because you liked his company. You continued this relationship when deep down you knew something could happen. Don't act shocked that something happened. Deep down you wanted something to happen or you would have broken off contact with the guy after he kissed you that first time. You certainly wouldn't have slept with him if deep down you didn't want this. So don't play "the one thing lead to another" excuse. It doesn't fly (especially when you tell your boyfriend, he will find it insulting).

 

The truth is you're too young and far too immature to be in a committed relationship. Tell your boyfriend what happened. If he wants to stay with you and you want to stay with him then you have to go no contact with the other guy. No contact means no sitting on the bus, no talking online, on the phone. It basically means never speaking to him again. If you can't do that then break up with your boyfriend. He deserves to be with someone who respects his feelings.

 

I don't say that to be harsh, it's simply the truth.

[norajane]

I could break off things with both of them, just not date at all...

 

Yes, do that.

 

You're screwing over two guys and messing up your own life, your dignity, your self-respect, and your foundation of trust and integrity. Time to get off the train and take a real break from dating anybody until you discover what kind of person you want to be - the kind that cheats or the kind that is honest and trustworthy.