GypsyGirl Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Hi everyone ... I read often but post seldom. Right now I'm thinking bad thoughts and want to consult with you ladies. I've been with MM for 5 months. All is going very well, considering that he's married to another woman. I spend time with him every day. He treats me like a princess (even when I'm ranting and raving about his marriage). To recap, he's 35, married 12 years, no kids, wife is a workaholic. His reason for not leaving yet is he's waiting for their dog to die. I KNOW. I'd laugh, too, if I wasn't so busy being a moron. Anyway, we went on our first trip together from Thurs. until yesterday (Sat.). We had a great time--until he decided he wanted to leave a few hours earlier than expected, and drove home like he'd heard his house was on fire. He knew I was upset and kept telling me to calm down, relax, he just wanted to get home, it was no big deal, etc. but I just stayed quiet. Later last night I wouldn't even pick up the phone for him because I didn't want to get into it, so he sent me a text about what a great time he had and how there was nothing worry about, and I should "stay positive." He showed up at my door this morning (because he was worrried I was angry). I am angry, but there was no point venting that to him--I'd get the same old story about how soon enough, he'll leave her and we'll be together. But while he was here, I looked through his phone (we both do this all the time) and saw a message he sent her a few hours before we left yesterday. All it said was, "Baby, all is fine, be home late tonight." No message from her in response. That he used "baby" is killing me. We have a 10-day vacation planned in a couple of weeks, and now I feel like a jerk about how much I'm looking forward to it. Will he want to leave a few days early from that? Anyway, to my point--he's sworn from day one that if his wife had irrefutable proof that he was cheating, she'd leave him without hesitation (and probably take the dog with her). As of now, he says she knows something is up, but won't rock the boat since it's not in her face. I realized a while ago that I have a way of letting her know about this--a way that he would never be able to trace back to me. I've never been tempted to use it until now. My head is spinning and I want the line to be drawn here. I want to know if she'll really leave him. I want to know if he'll throw me under the bus once she finds out. If that's the case, fine--I'll hurt terribly, but at least I won't be waiting on him for a life that won't ever materialize. I know everyone always says not to tell the wife, no good can come of it, but right now I feel like the h*ll with it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 I've been with MM for 5 months. All is going very well, considering that he's married to another woman. I spend time with him every day. He treats me like a princess (even when I'm ranting and raving about his marriage). To recap, he's 35, married 12 years, no kids, wife is a workaholic. His reason for not leaving yet is he's waiting for their dog to die. That has to be the biggest line of bullsh.it I've ever read here. I've been with MM for 5 months. All is going very well, considering that he's married to another woman. I spend time with him every day. He treats me like a princess (even when I'm ranting and raving about his marriage). To recap, he's 35, married 12 years You make it seem like you ARE the wife and his wife is the OW. Sorry, but 12 years outweighs 5 months. Please don't mistake that.. If you tell, be prepared for this MM to throw you under the bus. He will HATE you and whatever you two will end immediately. HE IS LYING TO YOU about the state of his marriage. I want to know if she'll really leave him. You have NO idea what their marriage is like behind closed doors, chances are things are greatly exaggerated and he is NOT miserable. If you tell, suffer the consquences. Though I do believe you're telling for reaction and out of spite. Don't do that, it isn't your place to tell his wife seeing as you knew he was married from day one. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 tst tst tst... If I were you I'd kidnapped (or kill the dog) the dog... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 All it said was, "Baby, all is fine, be home late tonight." No message from her in response. That he used "baby" is killing me. Red flag for you - If his marriage was in the crapper he wouldn't be calling her baby. Don't believe all that he tells you - He is lying to his wife so don't you think he's capable of lying to you? Don't fool yourself into believing you are his number one. Sorry to sound harsh, but you need to go read other posts in this section. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 WWIU, I am glad you said what I was thinking. And you responded in a much classier manner than I was about to. Thank you for saving me an infraction. 12 years vs. 5 months, angry that he called his wife baby. Man. What WWIU said. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Hi everyone ... I read often but post seldom. Right now I'm thinking bad thoughts and want to consult with you ladies. I've been with MM for 5 months. All is going very well, considering that he's married to another woman. I spend time with him every day. He treats me like a princess (even when I'm ranting and raving about his marriage). To recap, he's 35, married 12 years, no kids, wife is a workaholic. His reason for not leaving yet is he's waiting for their dog to die. I KNOW. I'd laugh, too, if I wasn't so busy being a moron. Anyway, we went on our first trip together from Thurs. until yesterday (Sat.). We had a great time--until he decided he wanted to leave a few hours earlier than expected, and drove home like he'd heard his house was on fire. He knew I was upset and kept telling me to calm down, relax, he just wanted to get home, it was no big deal, etc. but I just stayed quiet. Later last night I wouldn't even pick up the phone for him because I didn't want to get into it, so he sent me a text about what a great time he had and how there was nothing worry about, and I should "stay positive." He showed up at my door this morning (because he was worrried I was angry). I am angry, but there was no point venting that to him--I'd get the same old story about how soon enough, he'll leave her and we'll be together. But while he was here, I looked through his phone (we both do this all the time) and saw a message he sent her a few hours before we left yesterday. All it said was, "Baby, all is fine, be home late tonight." No message from her in response. That he used "baby" is killing me. We have a 10-day vacation planned in a couple of weeks, and now I feel like a jerk about how much I'm looking forward to it. Will he want to leave a few days early from that? Anyway, to my point--he's sworn from day one that if his wife had irrefutable proof that he was cheating, she'd leave him without hesitation (and probably take the dog with her). As of now, he says she knows something is up, but won't rock the boat since it's not in her face. I realized a while ago that I have a way of letting her know about this--a way that he would never be able to trace back to me. I've never been tempted to use it until now. My head is spinning and I want the line to be drawn here. I want to know if she'll really leave him. I want to know if he'll throw me under the bus once she finds out. If that's the case, fine--I'll hurt terribly, but at least I won't be waiting on him for a life that won't ever materialize. I know everyone always says not to tell the wife, no good can come of it, but right now I feel like the h*ll with it. I am curious.. how can he get away so much with you, without her finding out... that's odd.. does he have a job that allows him to go away for weeks? Link to post Share on other sites
Author GypsyGirl Posted June 9, 2008 Author Share Posted June 9, 2008 Please, please, please don't misunderstand me. I'm not being immature about this -- I know my place. Believe me, I'm miserably aware that 5 months is nothing compared to 12 years. I'm just feeling b!tchy and sad. If I wrote anything in my initial post that sounded nasty, it was just sarcasm that didn't come across well. I posted here because I'm mentally exhausted. I know that no good can come of telling her. But like you're all saying -- I don't know what goes on behind closed doors, and the "baby" in the text is a big red flag. Of course I'm tempted to tell her: I'd finally be 100% sure whether I'm being taken or not. That doesn't mean I'll go through with it, and I came here to vent and get some advice. It helps. Link to post Share on other sites
neverendingsaga Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 so you want to find out if his wife would leave HIM for being with you? if i were you id be more concerned about whether he'll do what he says and leaves HER for you. you dont want to win him by default b/c she kicked him out, do you? Or do you??? i hope you know you deserve better than that. he isnt taking any action to end his marriage and be w/ you. in fact he is taking action to keep his wife happy-- leaving your vacation early & telling her dont worry baby, all is fine. this does NOT sound like a man who is planning to leave her for you. so why do you still want him?? Link to post Share on other sites
neverendingsaga Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Please, please, please don't misunderstand me. I'm not being immature about this -- I know my place. Believe me, I'm miserably aware that 5 months is nothing compared to 12 years. I'm just feeling b!tchy and sad. If I wrote anything in my initial post that sounded nasty, it was just sarcasm that didn't come across well. I posted here because I'm mentally exhausted. I know that no good can come of telling her. But like you're all saying -- I don't know what goes on behind closed doors, and the "baby" in the text is a big red flag. Of course I'm tempted to tell her: I'd finally be 100% sure whether I'm being taken or not. That doesn't mean I'll go through with it, and I came here to vent and get some advice. It helps. you know your place?? as the other woman he is hiding from his wife. and you are okay with that?? i guess you dont know you deserve better. please dont tell her just to try to get him, its a selfish thing to do and i personally feel like in the end you will be left w/ even less self worth. b/c no matter what he did, it wouldnt be good. throwing you under the bus or only being w/ you AFTER he had no choice in the matter b/c his wife kicked him out after YOU told her. hes a big boy, dont do his dirty work for him. please dont undervalue yourself & become a bad person for him. just walk away & if he really means what he says he will take action. that is the only way to know if what he says is true or just BS like he gives to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GypsyGirl Posted June 9, 2008 Author Share Posted June 9, 2008 I am curious.. how can he get away so much with you, without her finding out... that's odd.. does he have a job that allows him to go away for weeks? Nope. The job entails no traveling. He tells her he's going somewhere, and he's gone. He says she's been doing this for years: traveling for work and pleasure without him, and now it's his turn. He has always stayed home with...wait for it...the dog. If he's to be believed, she isn't fazed by him being gone or out all the time. And I do know that his phone is always on when he's with me and she never calls or anything. I find it curious myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Good cause telling her will not help you in any way... If you want to be sure who he would choose, just give him an ultimatum... then if he chooses the dog... well at least you'll know what his priorities are.. I honestly think that the dog is an excuse.. he can have joint custody... I'm sure it's easier on a dog than a child. But I have to be honest.. I think that we (OW) all have, at one point, those evil thoughts... It's fun to think what would he do... would he throw me under the bus.. would he move with me... sometimes it could be a 'power trip' just to show her (the biotch) that he's having sex with someone else.. behind her back... Ha! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Let me ask you - Are you truly happy being involved with a MM? What do you expect out of this eventually? IF you are inlove and want him - Then tell him goodbye and wait till he is divorced. If he DOES love you, enough to end his marriage and be with you, he will do just that. Anything that falls short of that is JUST an affair and you'll just be the OW. I take it you want more, a marriage, children, a house, a life with someone... Think about WHY it is you're wasting your love and energy on someone who IS married and chances are, will never leave his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
neverendingsaga Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Nope. The job entails no traveling. He tells her he's going somewhere, and he's gone. He says she's been doing this for years: traveling for work and pleasure without him, and now it's his turn. He has always stayed home with...wait for it...the dog. If he's to be believed, she isn't fazed by him being gone or out all the time. And I do know that his phone is always on when he's with me and she never calls or anything. I find it curious myself. ok... 1. maybe she just trusts him. i wouldnt want my SO to be a nag & call me all the time. and he shouldnt if he trusts me. it sounds like he blames her alot (i mean geez how dare she work so much & travel for work right!) so the last thing she prolly wants to do is be a nag & have him complain about THAT too. 2. now she is starting to not trust him obviously & she is wondering whats up. or else he would not have said 'baby everythings fine' or whatever & rushed home to see her. if he is going to ruin her trust & destroy his marriage, fine let him, but why do you want to be a part of this? if there marriage was really so bad she wouldnt trust him, and then when she asked he wouldnt reassure her everythings fine & rush home to her. neither of these ppl want to be out of this marriage so i dont see what you are doing being in the middle of it. my XMM said all these similar things & i realised the hard way that none of it was true. total BS. ughghg i hate these MM. i know you have feelings of love and hope for him but again all you can do is walk away & see if hes true to his word & if he feels the same for you or not. in the meantime you will just get more & more hurt. believe me, it happened to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 The more I think about this.. the more I would be sooo freaken upset if I were you.. to be in competition, NOT with his W.. but with his DOG.. that I think I would set him up.. and have her catch him on the fact.. just to show the b*stard that I am more important than a dog.. for chr*st sake.. what a dumb azz... set him up... Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 I know everyone always says not to tell the wife, no good can come of it, but right now I feel like the h*ll with it. You are right...No good will come of it... They'll stay married and he'll hate you for forcing the issue... If he wants to be with you, he will... If you usurp him in such a way, your R will not last... The other points in your post are valid; him calling her baby and leaving early...But these are issues to be addressed with him... I'd be upset about the "baby" too...It sounds like he's not leaving anytime soon...Can you deal with that? Especially the can't leave until the dog dies...He's not going anywhere and he's making excuses... GEL Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 what a dumb azz... set him up... No, don't do that. The dog is just a small part of this, he's using him/her as an excuse. The bottomline here is, how long do you intend on sticking around as the OW in his life, or do you have the courage to end it and go on with your life - Without him. He may be offering himself up to you in a small sense, but it certainly isn't a forever thing, so it seems. 5 months isn't that long, sure it'll hurt you but imagine if you stay the OW for another 1 or 2 years, possibly 3 years and he STILL hasn't left his wife!! Imagine how much MORE attached you'd be to him, and how it would MORE painful too. Link to post Share on other sites
neverendingsaga Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 The more I think about this.. the more I would be sooo freaken upset if I were you.. to be in competition, NOT with his W.. but with his DOG.. that I think I would set him up.. and have her catch him on the fact.. just to show the b*stard that I am more important than a dog.. for chr*st sake.. what a dumb azz... set him up... or just realise what a jerk he is & be glad you got out while its early. just walk away w/out causing any more hurt to anyone involved -- him, his dog, his wife, and most importantly YOU. if you tell his wife im sure you'll open a whole new can of worms & you will be more hurt no matter what happens. just run girl, thats the only advice i can give you. and 'do no harm.' im guessing that YOU telling her esp. for this reason (to get him, not b/c your sorry for helping to hurt her & you feel she has the right to know) would cause her the most amt of harm possible. dont do that just to get back at him or just to find out what would happen for your own benefit. your right, those are EVIL thoughts. i hope you can redirect them & think about what is best for everyone involved including you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GypsyGirl Posted June 9, 2008 Author Share Posted June 9, 2008 You're all so right and I know it. All of this good advice is stuff I already know, things that swirl around in my head day after day. It's very different to reconcile this, though, when he's so wonderful to me. I know, I know--all MM are the same, they're all lying to their wives and to the OW. But that is so hard to focus on when he's rushing out every day to be with me, spending the majority of his time with me/on me, doing a million things for me that I'd never even think to ask him to do, etc. All I can think is, why? If he just wanted to cheat on her, he could easily go out and do that with women who wouldn't give him a fraction of the grief and tears he gets from me. He loves me--that part, I believe wholeheartedly. But then there's the fact that he hasn't left, that his plans for leaving are centered on the dog . I love my dogs more than I've ever loved another human being, but STILL. I just don't get it--how he can so clearly love me, but really has no plans for leaving. I also don't get how I keep buying into this. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 He loves you "in the moment" but once those moments are gone, chances are he doesn't. This is why he, like many other MM are able to throw their OW under the bus. how he can so clearly love me, but really has no plans for leaving This is called having your cake and eating it too. Men CAN separate love and sex. What you may think IS love to him, could very well abit of ego, and loving feeling desired by someone else. Sure, he cares about you, but he's also made sure YOU know you're second fiddle next to his wife and his dog. This guy has TWO women in his life - Why would he give one up? Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 You're all so right and I know it. All of this good advice is stuff I already know, things that swirl around in my head day after day. It's very different to reconcile this, though, when he's so wonderful to me. I know, I know--all MM are the same, they're all lying to their wives and to the OW. But that is so hard to focus on when he's rushing out every day to be with me, spending the majority of his time with me/on me, doing a million things for me that I'd never even think to ask him to do, etc. All I can think is, why? If he just wanted to cheat on her, he could easily go out and do that with women who wouldn't give him a fraction of the grief and tears he gets from me. He loves me--that part, I believe wholeheartedly. But then there's the fact that he hasn't left, that his plans for leaving are centered on the dog . I love my dogs more than I've ever loved another human being, but STILL. I just don't get it--how he can so clearly love me, but really has no plans for leaving. I also don't get how I keep buying into this. I honestly don't get it either... to come second after a DOG.. holly molly.. what a jerk... don't you realize that this guy is playing you.. they ARE charming.. they DO everything so that you'll think they're head over heels for you.. but to give you crappy excuses like that.. I don't get it.. I really don't.. *shaking my head in disbelief*... Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 He loves you "in the moment" but once those moments are gone, chances are he doesn't. This is why he, like many other MM are able to throw their OW under the bus. This is called having your cake and eating it too. Men CAN separate love and sex. What you may think IS love to him, could very well abit of ego, and loving feeling desired by someone else. Sure, he cares about you, but he's also made sure YOU know you're second fiddle next to his wife and his dog. This guy has TWO women in his life - Why would he give one up? No.. no.. this guy has ONE dog in his life.. he doesn't care about any of the two women.. IMO... like you said.. having his cake.. Link to post Share on other sites
neverendingsaga Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 GypsyGirl, you may THINK he could easily just go have sex w/ other women. but maybe he wasnt looking just for that, he was looking for another relationship to fill some needs he thinks arent being filled in his M. he wouldnt want 'just' a ONS or sex, but he does want someone always there for him to stroke his ego & make him feel hot & desired, or whatever his needs are. he COULDNT get that from just sex or a ONS. and he has every motivation to dote on you, just like my XMM did & most LTA MMs im guessing. he couldnt come up to you & say 'ive no intention of leaving my wife but im looking for a girlfriend on the side.' hopefully youd say NO WAY buster, you wouldnt accept that. but no your accepting it b/c hes ACTING like you want him to act. but is he really? dont you want him to leave his wife & be w/ you? so maybe he is just acting this way to throw you off- to let you focus on how he treats you like a queen instead of the fact that hes still M'ed. plus he really DOES appreciate that your there for him despite the fact that hes married- not every woman would do that & i think theres a reason for that... think about it... i mean mine was so romantic & great in bed & made me feel like princess of the world. i thought that all meant he loved me but i started to realise maybe it just means he loves how i make him FEEL about himself-in other ways he just loves himself. and if he really did love me then he would care less about trying to impress me all the time & make ME feel like a spoiled princess & MORE time working on this D he claims hes getting. in the long run it doesnt matter that they cater to your every whim if they stay married to someone else & keeping you there little secret. dont settle for that. there ARE men who will treat you great & who wont lie to you about the state of there Marriage AND to there wife about the state of there faithfulness/ loyalty in the process, and wont keep you hidden away instead of in a real relationship. you know you deserve that so go find it. aim your focus at yourself & what you really want instead of at his wife. despite what he may say it is NOT her fault that he is involved in an affair w/ you & staying M'ed. that is just his fault, & no offense but yours for letting him. so take away his side cake & see how much he wants you as his main dish. if he doesnt that's his loss, find someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 No.. no.. this guy has ONE dog in his life.. he doesn't care about any of the two women.. IMO... like you said.. having his cake.. :lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao: A dog with a dog. I wonder which one should have the flea dip?:lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
jon01 Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 That he used "baby" is killing me. Oh, poor you. That's so unbearable and unfair to you, that he would show any affection to his wife. I mean, you deserve to be the princess and baby not her. You knew the risks getting involved with a married man and disrespecting his wife like that. If you mention anything to his wife, you will risk losing him too. You brought yourself into this sorry situation, so enjoy the pain and suffering because that's what you deserve Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Oh, poor you. That's so unbearable and unfair to you, that he would show any affection to his wife. I mean, you deserve to be the princess and baby not her. You knew the risks getting involved with a married man and disrespecting his wife like that. If you mention anything to his wife, you will risk losing him too. You brought yourself into this sorry situation, so enjoy the pain and suffering because that's what you deserve I don't think she would say anything to his wife.. I think she said something that he would be caught but he'd have no idea how she finds out... there's always a way to set him up without him having any idea.. Link to post Share on other sites
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