Pregnant and getting married, too young, too quick...depressed!

[Tori]

Dear readers,

 

I am at the end of my rope. I don't know what to do. I am 16, 6 months pregnant and being forced into a marriage I am not ready for. The father of my unborn child and I have been dating for about a year. When I found out I was pregnant only 6 months into our relationship, i was heartbroken. I do not believe in abortion, so I chose to have the baby. I grew up in a very Christion household with very strict parents. They had just let me begin to date, not even date really, just see boys outside of school at social events and what not. Well, you can imagine their surprise and dissapointment when I told them I was pregnant. My father, a very devoted Christian, sat my boyfriend down and told him that if he didn't do the right thing and marry me, he would press charges (my boyfriend is 18). So my boyfriend agreed. I brought up the idea of adoption to my mother, and she forbid it. She said I must live with my mistakes.

 

So now I am about to have this child in 3 months. I am not so upset about it anymore, a part of me is excited and happy, but then again, I know I am going to have to raise this baby in an unhappy home. I am not ready to be married. I am not even sure I am in love with my boyfriend, I have only known him a year. But we are being forced into marriage. We have to get married in a civil christian ceremony at my preacher's house, and that is not at all the wedding I dreamed of.

 

I am just so depressed over this whole situation. Is there anything I can do? I know I already made a huge mistake my getting pregnant, but I am being forced into more mistakes out of my control! Does anyone have any advice/words of encouragement/anything???

[Jamie31]

Honey, I really feel for you on this one. I honestly don't know what to tell you. I mean, it seems to me that your parents would know better than to force this marriage. Surely they know that it will not last if it isn't wanted in the first place. And I am sure they do not believe in divorce, but I am also sure they were in love when they got married and were not forced into in neither, now were they?

 

I understand that you don't want to totally go against what your parents want you to do because you need them in every way a child needs a parent. But honey, you also have to think about your life and your needs. This marriage and this child is going to change the rest of your life. And although the birth of the baby is inevitable, the marriage doesn't have to be. Isn't there an aunt, cousin, somebody that you can talk to that can talk to your parents for you?

 

I don't know what else to tell you. I just hope you get this resolved. When are you supposed to get married? Before or after the baby?

 

Good luck.

[Tori]

We are supposed to get married in 2 or 3 weeks. Whenever my preacher can "find time", which is just dreadful!! I just want to cry everytime I think about it. I do have aunts that could talk to my parents, but they stand firm when it comes to morality issues. I don't think they will change their mind. I am so upset and confused. My life will be over if I go through with this marriage. Its to the point where I am beginning to resent my boyfriend even though he is just following my dad's wishes. I am not sure if I am in love with him and now I am afraid that I won't even LIKE him. I just know I am headed for misery and I don't know how to stop it.

 

Thank you, Nurse_Jamie, for your response. I was hoping to get responses from more people and get some differences in opinions on my situation, but even knowing that one person cares and was willing to help means a lot.

 

Thanks Again,

Tori

[clia]

My life will be over if I go through with this marriage.

 

Your life is far from over. I don't know what to tell you, exactly, because I feel for you and the situation you are in, but your life is not over. Even married and with a baby you can still go to school, have a career, and accomplish your dreams.

 

I think instead of looking at the negatives, you should at least try to focus on the positives. You are going to bring a new life into the world. You have a boyfriend who didn't run off and who is there to support you. Your parents believe they are doing the right thing for you, even though many of us would disagree with the solution they chose.

 

Have you sat both of them down and said everything you posted here? That you simply are not ready for this? Would they allow you to put it off for a year or two? Ask them how they will feel if you want to get divorced in a year or two because this was not the guy for you. (Or would none of this hold water? They sound pretty religious, but I don't really think religion should be an excuse to make you miserable.)

 

Just try to hang in there. That's all I can really say.

[Tori]

Thanks, Clia, but I have told them everything that I have said in this forum and they keep saying the same thing - you made your bed, now lie in it. They keep saying that I have to live with my mistakes.

 

And you say look at the positives? What positives? THe only reason my BF is marrying me is because my dad said he had to or he would press charges and have him charged with statatory rape..which, with me being pregnant, there's no way to deny that we had sex! He doesn't love me, and I don't really love him. yeah, I care about him, but i am not in love with him. And what is positive about being forced into a marriage when you know this isnt' the one?

 

Thanks, Clia...but I just don't know what to do.

[yes]

is divorce an option, later on?

 

-yes

[Tori]

I guess it could be, but if I do that, then I know my parents would probably disown me. They are so "old timey" thinking when it comes to marriage and child-rearing. It's just that yeah, i guess we could divorce later, but that would be at least 2 years before I would even think about it. We will live with my parents until I graduate high school, which is 2 years and then I guess i will have to get a full-time job so we can get an apartment. But if I tried to divorce him anytime sooner, they would kick me out and say that I am sinning and everything else and I would have no place to go.

[cindy0039]

Tori - Your parents may be in the position to tell you what to do at this stage in your life due to your age, but the fact is that once you become of legal age you will be able to make your own decisions. Maybe you should remind them of that fact, then proceed to tell them what you intend to do when you become 18. It might make them stop and think.

 

Also, you mentioned that your parents are very religious and that you at one time talked about adoption and they said no. Would it be possible for you to talk to the minister/priest/pastor of your church about your situation? Perhaps he could help.

 

I'm sure your parents think they are doing what is right for you and your future. It's not something I would do, but I can't put myself in their shoes. But like someone else said earlier, your life is not over, even though I'm sure it seems like it right now. You will get past this and move on. You just have to stay strong for the sake of your child (and yourself).

[quankanne]

Tori, you've mentioned that you're having a hard time scheduling a visit with your pastor -- have you thought about the counselor at your school, or calling a crisis hotline and seeing if they've got someone to refer you to?

 

I don't think that two wrongs make a right (a crisis pregnancy and then being made to marry against your will), even if the baby's father has good intentions. As for religion being a factor ... well, sorry, but forcing someone to do something to save face is never a good idea, especially when you try to justify it by saying it's what God expects of you. It's enough that you're dealing with a new life and taking responsibility for it! It sounds like you and your family are going to need to talk some more, but preferably with a counselor or someone uninvolved who can help everyone see all sides of the situation. Your dad has good intentions by wanting the boy to marry you so that you don't stigmatize your child, but you're not the first girl to find herself in this situation, nor will you be the last, and believe me, an unexpected baby is far easier to deal with than a problematic marriage ...

 

Find a counselor or another minister to talk with. You definitely need more input before making such a drastic decision that your heart isn't interested in making.

[Stone]

PLEASE DON'T DO THIS! I got married way to young because I was pregnant ( I was 19) and did it by choice and it was the worst mistake I ever made. You don't want to be 22 and Divorced ( like me) You are going to have to grow up verry fast because you have a child and being married to a man you don't love is not good for you or the child. Plus if your already considering divorce that will confuse the baby as well seeing the father in and out of it's life. There are alternate desicions, You can get child support and let the father be in the childs life without you marring him.

 

It seems your parents are religious and old fashioned and that's great but things change, the divorce rate now is higer than it's ever been and you don't wan't to take the love out of marriage. You shouldn't get married out of convience you will regreat it.

 

Your both way to young to make that kind of commitment to yourselfs and to God!

 

Please go to the video store and rent Driving in Car's with boys ( Drew Barymore) this movie is about the same situation you are in heck watch it with your parents! I promise it will show you the road you are about to go down and it's a very hard one.

 

It's very hard being a young mother, you are sacrifising everything from now on and you will never be able to think of yourself 1st. I didn't believe in abortion either and I had my child ( I love him with all my heart) but I really wish I would have waited.

Is Adoption an Option for you? What dose his parents think.

 

I will keep you in my prayers.... Please get that movie.... Send me a private message I'll mail it to you.

[HokeyReligions]

Everyone has pretty much said what I would say to you.

 

but I would like to comment on your father talking about pressing charges against the baby's father.

 

Have YOU talked to an attorney? Has your boyfriend? Don't take the word of your parents right now - it's up to you to find out the facts.

 

Call and visit a Planned Parenthood center - without your parents coming along, and find legal counsel.

 

Even though you are under 18 and it is a legal possibility that your boyfriend could be charged - there may also be some laws that will be in support of "your side."

 

Also, it sounds as if the minister is close to your parents - can you find another minister at another church that you can talk to about this? I can't believe that a church would support a forced marriage.

 

to paraphrase someone else here, two wrongs don't make a right and being forced to do something that you know is a mistake (marriage) is wrong. it sounds like your parents are so blinded by their religious faith, that they don't see the big picture. I doubt you can change their mind and you will need their support and love throughout your life.

 

 

You can talk to Family Planning about other accommodations for yourself too, and about putting your child up for adoption. Do you have any other relatives with whom you could live?

 

If you do get married, then you and your boyfriend need to set down some ground rules. You can approach it as though you were just roommates and divide up all of the responsibilities, and make sure and include time for each of you to spend with your own friends, or by yourself too, so that you don't feel that you have to do everything together. Even without being in love, sharing a home and a baby is doable for a while. You can set time limits to achieve certain things, such as your graduation, or his graduation, and you can stick to those goals. Don't be afraid that everything will stay the same forever - it won't - things change all the time, and always will.

[2ndwivesclub]

Tori I'm not sure where you're from, but as I read your post I couldn't help but wonder a couple of things. Do you happen to know what the age of consent(the age at which you can legally choose to have sex) is in your province/state? If it's 16 or less you may have a chance with the whole stat rape thing. Also, a lot of places consider you to be an "adult" when you get pregnant, and therefore allow you to make some choices without parental consent. I'm not positive, but I think that decisions surrounding marriage are included.

 

Do you have any organizations there for pregnant/parenting teens? Often they can provide a wealth of information about school, raising the child, and sometimes even resources for finding a place to live should the situation get that bad.

 

I understand that your parents are super religious, but forcing someone into a loveless marriage doesn't sound very christian to me. I realize it can be challenging having a child out of wedlock(I've done it), but it's far better for the child to grow up in a loving home than to see his/her parents fighting and such. They say that you've made a mistake and have to accept responsibility for your actions. You are! You're having this baby. That's huge at 16. I just think that getting married this young is like responsibility overload and that it will do more harm than good. I hate to say this, but it almost sounds like your parents want to save their reputations. But I'm not there so I can't say for sure.

 

I know you're feeling overwhelmed right now, but things will work out. Sometimes it just takes a while because everything's so tangled and complicated. Good luck and remember you're not alone. You can do this. One day at a time ((big hug)).

[Paul]

Hi Tori,

 

The legal age of consent varies widely from locality to locality. It's entirely possible that you engaged in legal sexual activity with your boyfriend at the age of 16. Some areas further define the legal age depending on the age gap between both partners. I can think of a number of states where 16 and 18 would be legal.

 

Contact your local battered woman's shelter for help on this matter. They have resources to help you out and can discuss all of your options with you.

 

Best wishes,

Paul

[rscarlet]

I know what your going through...im older then you and im going through a difficult stage in my life as well!!!being 25 and not knowing my boyfriend too well at the time i also got pregnant within 6 months and being catholic i qwas against abortion.

So before giving birth both sides of the family were forcing us to get married. Unfortunately it was more my husbands family then mine because my family lived in another city...so being married now for 1year and having a wonderful son i am unhappy. We both have different religions and just at differents points in our lives. But i guess what im trying to say is even though the parents are setting there foots down and saying you have to get married don't let anyone decide for you, if your not ready then don't do it, unless you want to. I mean my husband and i did want to, we wanted to because we wanted what was best for the baby to come, but now i think we both are unhappy and we question all the time"should we of gotten married" because right now the marriage isn't the same... it's very different. So please communicate with your boyfriend and try to make a right decision that is right for you both, because i wouldn't want to see what's happenning with me happen with you. Take care and g_d bless

[Onyx]

Hun,

 

You’re so young to be in this position... I really feel for you. The power rests in your hands. I know it isn't easy to hear this, but it is the best I can give you.

 

The choice to put your baby up for adoption , I would say is the wisest. This choice resides in you and your boyfriends hands. While your parents may have custody of you, you in end have the final say on legal papers. Consider what you have to offer to your baby, without an education, without warm support. Is that what you think you want for your child? Its not an easy decision, but you give your self a chance and you give your baby a chance that you wouldn’t have. You still need to grow up, and finish your childhood before your jump into the real world. Granted , you have a lesson at hand that you will have to learn from, no matter what happens. I can put you in touch with a friend of mine who went through the same thing, and chose to give her baby up for adoption. She see’s her daughter often, and is proud of the choice she made. Her family too, is religious and had much to say on this.

 

As to marriage, you cannot be forced to do something you do not wish to. Say no if your gut instinct is telling you not to go through with this! You have the power. Don’t let religion, your parent or fear rob you of born right to choose.

 

As to the law, it is inevitable. Statutory rape is dicey and is not pardoned, even if the coupe is question had written permission from the minors parents. That's a choice that your boyfriend will have to face up to. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news. But what I can tell you is that the courts will appraise the situation and that I doubt jail time will be an issue. Maybe public service and fines, but prison is reserved for the most severe cases.

 

I feel so much for you right now, Tori. But you’re the one who has to say no. Sixteen or no, its your body and your choice. Make the decision that you want and live you life on your term, sweetheart. You have to grown up really fast, and take control now, because this decision is going to determine the route which your life will take.

 

You are in my prayers and I send you all the hope and strength that I can.

 

~Onyx

[Kimber]

I feel so bad for you right now, I am lost for words,

 

Means you have tried to talk to your parents and they will not hear of it, do what people are suggesting, go to someone that knows the legal stuff in your area, A hotline would be best because they do not give any of your info out to anyone so you can feel very comforable wiht speaking with them, as well they will give you the information that you request.

 

Ask them what your legal rights are in this?

The legal age for having sex?

 

No matter what someone will resent someone, let it be your parents resenting you or you resenting them. Pain is going to happen because this is something that you do not want to happen. At 16 I would never tell my daughter she had to marry.

 

If it turns out that in your area your b/f can be charged then maybe you can write down the good things that this can bring you. I read in one post "Be happy that the father did not run away". They were right on that one.

 

Maybe if you explain to them calmly that before the wedding that you are concidering devorce and at one point of your life that will be up to you and no one can stop you from doing this.

 

The facts are that mybe they can run and ruin your life for now but in the end we can all gain control of our lives.

 

good luck

[lth]

tori, think of your best friend. now think of her in the same situation. write her a letter as if it is happening to her right now. Be serious. Afterwards, read the letter. It is for you. Sometimes, families need to break out of the norm to know they really love each other. Your parents will never not love you. They are going to help you raise your baby. Cause they are good people. They couldn't just sit there and watch you suffer for the rest of your life. IF they don't help, then that is their mistake, and someday they will realize that. Understand that they are going through a tough time right now. You are already feeling guilty, and God wants you to come to him. He doesn't want you to feel this incredible guilt for the rest of your life. Thats what the devil does to you, makes you feel like there is no way out. Well, there is. I don't think that you getting married just for face sake is right. Especially with all the emotions you are feeling right now. You need to find someone to understand with you. The baby needs to grow up with its father, but he is young, and so are you. He is nervous, and scared. Have you talked to him about this? You need to know how he feels, HOW HE REALLY FEELS. Don't let this mistake ruin who you are. YOU are very important right now. The baby is going to learn all they know from you. You pick up alot from your parents. My mother had kids when she was 16 and the guilt she STILL feels has sort of stuck on me, and made my siblings and I very nervous and defensive. You are going to be fine. You are only 16. People heal, people grow up. Your life today is going to be totally different in two years. You will be an adult. You will be able to do what you want with your life. The child is the best part. That is your baby. You made a mistake, but the child isn't a mistake. Again, don't worry too much. You can do this. You seem smart. Don't let people bring you down ,okay. They will make you feel guilty, but you only need to worry about God. The future.