I need to get over this

[Tearyeyes]

I have a crush on a close friend of mine and it is driving me CRAZY. I recently got out of a long term relationship, but we are still living together. My ex is willing to wait for me, but the crush that I've developed on my friend is messing with my head. At this moment in time I feel like I don't want to be with my ex.

 

I have been hanging out with my friend almost every week and we also see each other at work. As far as I know he doesn't know about my feelings. Sometimes I will be afraid that I have done something that will tip him off and make him uncomfortable and I agonize over it until I see him again and he acts totally normal.

 

My thing is... how do I get over him? He is an awesome guy and a great friend and I would hate to lose that friendship. He is also sort of an 'escape' for me from my current situation with my ex. Help! I'm going crazy!!

[beaker]

Step 1: Resolve the situation with your ex.

 

If your long term relationship has ended, why still live with him? Do you have your own rooms? If not, continuing to live together sounds like slow emotional torture. If it's for financial reasons or simply because you haven't found your own place yet, then fine -- you can sleep on the couch for a while. It would, however, be much better not to be living with someone in whom you're no longer romantically interested -- find your own place ASAP. This is important for your own emotional well-being, but is even more important if your ex is still hung up on you and is waiting for you to change your mind, as you said in your post. If so, this is very very bad. If you no longer feel you want to be with him, be polite but firm and tell him so. Do not think that telling him will be cruel. Leading him on and keeping him hanging around would be cruel... telling him clearly that you don't see a future together is much kinder and far more mature. If you have a crush on someone else now, chances are your ex doesn't have a really firm grip on your heart and you'll continue to be interested in any guy that strikes you as a better alternative. Make up your mind who you want, your ex or your crush. You can't have both.

 

Step 2: When and if you're no longer tied closely to your ex, you can attempt to pursue something with this friend of yours.

 

There is of course a risk he will not return your feelings, but whatever he feels I doubt he'll be completely surprised. If you're frequently terrified that you've "given yourself away" then he has probably picked up on at least some of your hints, even if he doesn't wish to make any assumptions. In these situations, people are rarely as unobservant as they make themselves out to be. He may well say no, but I don't think it's too likely it will ruin your friendship (if you wish to remain friends -- often it's advisable to put some distance between you and a crush if you're trying to get over them). That's a risk men sometimes run when asking out a female friend, because women are more likely to keep people in separate categories for friendship and romance and not mix the two. Men in general don't care as much about the distinction, so if you're fine with it chances are very good he'll be fine too.

 

Now, one more thing... you say you don't want to ruin your friendship... but in these situations sometimes what people really don't want is to be left hanging in the middle, closing things off with an ex only to be turned down by the person they've developed a crush on. Are you still living with your ex because you want to remove all risk from this equation? If he's being kept around as a reserve in case things don't work out with your crush, then that's not very nice and a terrible idea in the long run, so I hope that's not what's happening. Your post is a bit garbled... sometimes you say you're no longer interested in your ex, other times you say you need to get over this crush... I don't know what you want, and wonder if you do either. Just remember you can have your crush, your ex, or neither. It's not possible to have both.

 

This seems like a normal case of developing new feelings for an old friend, which happens all the time. I don't think it has to be that complicated unless you choose to make it so. You do, however, have to accept some risk that you might not have the perfect resolution to this crush with everyone coming out happy. It's never possible to guarantee that perfect outcome, and if you attempt to wait until the timing is "perfect" you will be waiting forever, resolving nothing along the way.

[Tearyeyes]

Thanks so much for your insight. What I really want to do is get over my crush. I'm still cohabiting with my ex because we have a young child and I guess I am being indecisive in what I want. I don't want him out of my life or our child's life, but I do know that I want him only in a friendship capacity, not as a lover.

 

This is where the crush is getting to be too much for me. I just want it (thecrush) to be over so that I can concentrate on fixing or permanently ending what's going on with my ex.

 

Even if it ended completely and I moved out, I don't think that I would tell my friend how I feel about him. I enjoy his friendship and I don't want him to stop talking to me because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings or whatever. He's a great friend and I'd rather have that than nothing at all. I hope I will eventually get over it, I just need help in getting there.

[beaker]

Ah, I understand now.

 

Really the only surefire way to get over a crush like that is to spend less time with him. Constant contact will reinforce your feelings, but only seeing him at work in a professional capacity won't be so bad. Is he aware of the recent issues in your life (leaving out any part he played)? You may as well tell him the most basic details if you haven't already. If he is told that you will be busy sorting out these issues in your life, and therefore won't have time to see him much for the immediate future, he should understand. I find it unlikely that would ruin your friendship unless he's not as good a friend as you thought.

 

There's no way to resolve this immediately, but time should do the trick if you have enough of it. If you find yourself unable to stop thinking about this friend of yours (remember, it will take a while even in the best case scenario) you can always cut down even further on the contact you have with him. I have a terrible sweet tooth and find the easiest way not to think about chocolate chip cookies is not to buy them, or even avoid that aisle of the grocery store entirely so I don't have to look at them... it's a corny analogy, and I don't mean it to belittle your situation, but the same principle applies here. Time and a little bit of distance will make you feel better.

[Gray]

You nailed it, its just a crush. For some reason after breakups I did the exact same thing; i developed a crush for some of my girl friends. It usually ended we me saying something stupid and them laughing at me. In a good way of course...

[Tearyeyes]

I forgot to mention that this crush of mine reminds me of my first love. Someone that I never really got over. He looks very similar to him, but he is better in the way that he has all the personality traits that my first love DIDN'T. He's a total sweetheart and my first love was the biggest jerk I've ever known. My crush is basically the guy that I wished my first love would be and never was...