Would you put BS & ExOW in same room together?

[Triarge]

OK, things are great between me and my wife now. I believe we are both far down the road to recovery since D-day in Jan 2007. The A hardly ever comes up, my feelings for the OW are nil and I love my wife as much as I ever did in the past - if not more.

 

The problem is that there is an event coming up which I really should go to. My wife, myself and daughters have been invited. The problem is that the OW is going to be there too.

 

My wife wants to go. She's lost alot of (healthy) weight and she's looking good. She wants the OW to see her along my side which I can understand. My problem is that I cant see any good coming out of it for anyone.

 

I dont want anything to cause my relationship with my wife to take a step back. We have come far and I dont want that spoilt by the OW making my W feel bad which I can see her trying to do.

 

I really cant decide on what to do and I'm running out of time.

 

Any ideas?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Go the event, and show your wife how much you love her. Avoid the OW if you can, and try to be as indifferent to her as possible. Steer your W away from any 'revenge contact'. There is no need for that, as much as your W would probably love to rub it in.

 

Your W needs to know that it is best if she act indifferent too.

 

As for the OW - perhaps she will be keeping her distance too, and things will go as smoothly as they can in these situations.

[Lizzie60]

I agree with LB.. maybe the OW will be all sexy and hot.. and your W will be more depressed and insecure after..

[OpenBook]

Your W needs to know that it is best if she act indifferent too.

 

Huh??!? If I were in the W's shoes, I'd say f*ck what everybody else thinks - ESPECIALLY my H and his exOW!!! The OP has no leg to stand on, telling his W how she should behave. That's absolutely ridiculous. She is a grown, sentient being - I'm sure she's quite capable of determining what is appropriate behavior for herself, without any help from the treacherous peanut gallery behind her. If I were her, I would OWN that event!!

[norajane]

I dont want anything to cause my relationship with my wife to take a step back.

While it's unpredictable what will happen when they are at the same event, you can be certain that your relationship will take a step back if you tell your wife you don't want her to go since she really wants to.

 

My problem is that I cant see any good coming out of it for anyone.

Or is it that you can't see any good coming out of it for YOU?

 

Wife wants OW to see her by your side as she is feeling quite confident. That will be accomplished, and your wife believes that will be good for her. She sees this as a step toward getting closure.

 

You are under the impression OW may try to make your wife feel bad. If there is some kind of scene, you're the one who will be caught in the cross-hairs, and you're the one who will get it from both barrels and feel the repercussions if your wife's anger revives.

 

I think you have to suck it up as a consequence of having the affair in the first place.

[Darth Vader]

Wifeys probably gonna dress all hot and blow away the ExOW, I can see it coming! The guys may even gather around her too. Wanna borrow my saber to fend em off?

[whichwayisup]

Your wife knows you love her and only want her, so there's no need for her to worry about the exOW. The exOW doesn't count anymore so who cares if she tries to show off, tries to get your attention or even tries to go out of her way to ignore you both. The more you make it into a big deal, it WILL turn into a big deal.

 

If the exOW tries to talk to you or your wife, don't say a word just walk away. Silence says ALOT more than words and honestly, the exOW isn't worth speaking to.

[whichwayisup]

We have come far and I dont want that spoilt by the OW making my W feel bad which I can see her trying to do.

 

If she is foolish enough to even try to make your wife feel bad, just laugh at her and both of you tell her she's pathetic, then walk away.

[Lookingforward]

Luckily I will never be in this situation but trust me, you would not want me, my exsMM and his W in the same room anytime this century

[NewSunrise]

Go! Agree with Norajane and WWIU asessements.

 

The more you make a big deal, the more your W will feel it's YOU with the issue. Let this be her choice. If anything, YOU should show support of her wanting to go because you love her; because you are proud of her for being your wife; because you love her more than ever.

 

Allow this event to serve as your closure completely - you and W. Who knows the OW may not even show up and is probably agonizing over the fact that you've chosen to remain with your W. Your presence with your W at your side will be a powerful reminder of "rejection" and perhaps a lesson in itself....no more MM.

 

So, don't bring the event up anymore no matter how much you dread going.

[Owl]

LOL...my wife had to come to a realization along these lines too...

 

If she'd EVER put me and OM in the same room together, it would have required a body bag and a set of handcuffs. One of us would have gone to jail...and the other to the morgue.

[NewSunrise]

LOL...my wife had to come to a realization along these lines too...

 

If she'd EVER put me and OM in the same room together, it would have required a body bag and a set of handcuffs. One of us would have gone to jail...and the other to the morgue.

:D:D!

 

It may very well end up this way....women in a brawl...cat fight. LOL! Furs, heels flying. Never had the misfortune of witnessing one ever. Duck!

[Lookingforward]

:D:D!

 

It may very well end up this way....women in a brawl...cat fight. LOL! Furs, heels flying. Never had the misfortune of witnessing one ever. Duck!

 

please.... I wouldn't lower myself

[Trialbyfire]

My wife wants to go. She's lost alot of (healthy) weight and she's looking good. She wants the OW to see her along my side which I can understand. My problem is that I cant see any good coming out of it for anyone.

I think you owe your wife this opportunity, considering what you've put her through. You'll need to publically back her and also prove to her that you're completely over your ex-OW. If your body language is anything but 100% for your wife, you'll be out on your arse.

[marlena]

I don't think it is a good idea at all. Let sleeping dogs lie, I say. Why open up that wound again?

 

It sounds like your wife is not over what happened. If she truly were, she'd let things rest. She also sounds very insecure. Perhaps you could do more to help her feel better about herself and the two of you.

[porter218]

I really think you have no choice if you value your M. If my H didn't want me to go to an event where the OW was, even if he declined to go himself, I would begin to wonder was he protecting the OWs feelings. I would be tempted to end the M

[NewSunrise]

please.... I wouldn't lower myself

Yep. Neither would I. We'll leave these scenes to Paris Hilton.

[smartgirl]

OK, things are great between me and my wife now. I believe we are both far down the road to recovery since D-day in Jan 2007. The A hardly ever comes up, my feelings for the OW are nil and I love my wife as much as I ever did in the past - if not more.

 

The problem is that there is an event coming up which I really should go to. My wife, myself and daughters have been invited. The problem is that the OW is going to be there too.

 

My wife wants to go. She's lost alot of (healthy) weight and she's looking good. She wants the OW to see her along my side which I can understand. My problem is that I cant see any good coming out of it for anyone.

 

I dont want anything to cause my relationship with my wife to take a step back. We have come far and I dont want that spoilt by the OW making my W feel bad which I can see her trying to do.

 

I really cant decide on what to do and I'm running out of time.

 

Any ideas?

 

Hi Triarge,

 

First let me say I am so glad to hear how well things are going for you. I had actually been wondering about it lately.

 

I know this will be very difficult for you and you are likely more afraid of how OW will react than your wife. As I recall, OW can be spiteful and forceful. she likely won't do anything there, but might approach you later at work. I'm sure at this point you can handle that.

 

This is important to your wife. I had two events shortly after finding out OW's identity. I knew I looked really good and I wanted a chance to show that. More important, I wanted the validating feeling that being there with my H gave me. Without anything ugly or confrontational, a statement was being made that we were together, he was where he wanted to be and we were living our life normally. That was very important to me. Before the second event he suggested that we not go and I was very hurt, as though I was somehow the one who needed to stay out of sight.

 

Your wife has handled this like a class act. Give her this moment in the sun as your wife. Do make sure you stay by her side. You don't have to be overly affectionate as that might seem like a provocation. But some touching and affection will be so important to your wife. It will tell her that you are as interested as she is in the sending the signal that you love her and want her and are happy. Do try to avoid getting off alone if you think OW will approach you.

[smartgirl]

I dont want anything to cause my relationship with my wife to take a step back. We have come far and I dont want that spoilt by the OW making my W feel bad which I can see her trying to do.

 

I know how OW acted towards you and for how long. What do you think she might do towards your W?

 

I'd say that as long as you prepare your W for what kinds of things OW might do and she still wants to go, that is up to her. I would like to think OW would not take her hostility out on an innocent person.

 

Most important, do not attempt to talk to OW ahead of time about the situation even if you are doing it for your wife's sake. The A is over and the relationship is over and you just have to behave accordingly. Regardless of what OW does, you and your wife just have to live your life.

[smartgirl]

I agree with LB.. maybe the OW will be all sexy and hot.. and your W will be more depressed and insecure after..

 

I should just let this go, but you know, sometimes it is the other way around. Perhaps in this case, OW will be the one who feels let down after.

[Triarge]

Many thanks smartgirl, WWIU and the rest of you for your thoughts. I have been agonizing over this decision for weeks. I'm still not sure its a good idea putting them in the same room together, but like you say, it's what my wife wants and i need to support her and show our solidarity.

 

The problem is that there are alot of people from work going and they all know about the situation with W and ExOW so there will be gossip whether I go or dont go. My wife doesnt really know anyone at the party and the OW knows pretty much everyone, so its going to be like a home game to her.

 

The only plus is that my W isnt drinking so that might limit any reaction to the OW. And I know the OW is going to be out to rub it it. She's not the type to be sorry for what she had a part in and most definately not the type to come over and apologize.

 

Anyway, we shall see. I'll have to let you know after Saturday what the damage is. I cant see any positive outcomes from this and I'm a natural optimist

[whichwayisup]

The only plus is that my W isnt drinking so that might limit any reaction to the OW. And I know the OW is going to be out to rub it it. She's not the type to be sorry for what she had a part in and most definately not the type to come over and apologize.

 

Make sure your wife knows this, do NOT keep her in the dark about the possibility of the exOW doing something stupid or saying something to her to get reaction. ALL of this falls on your shoulders too - And what I mean by that is, protect your wife, stand by her side and do not let exOW or ANYONE else make your wife feel bad. I would hope that all those co-workers would feel for your wife and not make it worse by gossiping or getting involved.

 

Anyway, you don't have to stay all night, maybe drop in for an hour or so then leave. Make other plans for afterwards, take your wife out for dessert or go see a movie.

[Lookingforward]

[quote=whichwayisup;1697189

Anyway, you don't have to stay all night, maybe drop in for an hour or so then leave. Make other plans for afterwards, take your wife out for dessert or go see a movie.

 

and if you do leave early make sure it's clear you two have plans which involve only the two of you because you happen to ENJOY being together (alone) LOL

[silktricks]

The more you make a big deal, the more your W will feel it's YOU with the issue. Let this be her choice. If anything, YOU should show support of her wanting to go because you love her; because you are proud of her for being your wife; because you love her more than ever.

 

Exactly!!

 

If you don't take your wife, believe me, you will regret it for the rest of your life. You know how things are going great for you two now? Well, if you don't take her, you've just put it all down the drain. Your wife will feel like you are protecting the OW from her. She will lose her self-confidence. You will have pretty much destroyed her and the rest of your marriage in one fell swoop.

 

Want that to happen? I thought not. Take her.

[twice_shy]

The problem is that there is an event coming up which I really should go to. My wife, myself and daughters have been invited. The problem is that the OW is going to be there too.

 

My wife wants to go. She's lost alot of (healthy) weight and she's looking good.

 

Good for her. Now maybe she can get some attention from other guys and you might start to sweat a little.

 

 

She wants the OW to see her along my side which I can understand.

 

I can't. I wouldn't see the point of letting another woman know, "I won!". Because really, what did they win? A cheater.

 

 

My problem is that I cant see any good coming out of it for anyone.

 

I agree.

 

 

I dont want anything to cause my relationship with my wife to take a step back. We have come far and I dont want that spoilt by the OW making my W feel bad which I can see her trying to do.

 

So I take it this OW must be some kind of witch. If so, fine woman you chose to cheat on your wife with.

 

 

I really cant decide on what to do and I'm running out of time.

 

Any ideas?

 

I'd say don't go. Like you said, no good can come from it. And your wife may just end up getting pissed when you get back after having all those memories drudged up again.