smartgirl Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 Triarge, I take it this is a work event. If you intend to stay there, which you have previously indicated, then your wife can't be expected to hide out from your coworkers as if she doesn't exist. I was in a very similar situation. Although my H had been with the company many years, I didn't know the people well. At the party, OW also had the home field advantage and she made the most of it. She very much played the life of the party and made herself as active and visable as she could. My H kept me by his side the whole time. He took me around and introduced me to everyone and I was able to connect with these new people and not feel so much like an outsider. We danced til our feet hurt. I don't know if anyone there knew about the A. It was a small office and people in affairs are never as discrete as they think they are. People notice. If they did, it didn't matter. They embraced me and made me feel welcome. They took their cue from my H and your coworkers will likely do the same. He was more attentive and made me feel more special than he had in years. That is what felt the best. He acted like he wanted me there and that he was proud of me. Being loved in private is what matters, but having your guy show it in public ALWAYS feels good. And interestingly, as hard as OW was trying to look like she was the belle of the ball ( she did look sensational by the way, there is no denying it) and didn't care we were there, it became very clear that she was trying too hard to put on a show. I could tell she was self conscious and trying to make some kind of point. That was a real turning point for me to realize she was more worried about looking impressive to me than I was about impressing her. She is younger than me and most people would probably say more attractive than me. Definitely more of a sizzle factor. But that wasn't enough to make her feel more confident than me. If your OW is trying hard to make your W uncomfortable that says a lot more about her insecurity than anything about your W. Hopefully your wife will realize that and you can help to explain that. Most important, this was the beginning of something new for us. It was the beginning of him including me more in his work environment which made me feel less shut out of what had been their exclusive domaine. I would come for lunch and come up to the office and say hello to a few people. It is always difficult when I see OW. We never speak or acknowledge one another. But my H and I need to live our lives as though she doesn't exist and this is part of it. On Saturday try not to show how anxious you are. Take your wife around and introduce her to some key people. Tell her a little something about who's who ahead of time so she can connect with them better. Mingle and don't stay off by yourselves. If OW wants to make an ass of herself there is nothing you can do about that, but she will only turn her coworkers against her if she does. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 Many thanks smartgirl, WWIU and the rest of you for your thoughts. I have been agonizing over this decision for weeks. I'm still not sure its a good idea putting them in the same room together, but like you say, it's what my wife wants and i need to support her and show our solidarity. Triage - YOU'RE not putting them in the same room together. They're both adults, with their own agency, and they're both choosing to be there. You've informed your W of the risks, and now it's up to her to choose for herself. By depriving her of that choice you're signalling you don't trust her judgment and dissing her big time. Even if it's uncomfortable for you, you owe it to her if you want to make it work, to allow HER to call the shots for a change on this one. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 The problem is that there are alot of people from work going and they all know about the situation with W and ExOW so there will be gossip whether I go or dont go. My wife doesnt really know anyone at the party and the OW knows pretty much everyone, so its going to be like a home game to her. The only plus is that my W isnt drinking so that might limit any reaction to the OW. And I know the OW is going to be out to rub it it. She's not the type to be sorry for what she had a part in and most definately not the type to come over and apologize. Keep possessive physical contact on your wife at all times. A hand under her elbow, an arm around her waist. Look at her like she's the most important and beautiful woman you've ever seen or met. This type of action will ensure for no misunderstandings about which woman you prefer. It will provide your wife with the confidence and security she needs to bloom within an uncomfortable social environment. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 Huh??!? If I were in the W's shoes, I'd say f*ck what everybody else thinks - ESPECIALLY my H and his exOW!!! The OP has no leg to stand on, telling his W how she should behave. That's absolutely ridiculous. She is a grown, sentient being - I'm sure she's quite capable of determining what is appropriate behavior for herself, without any help from the treacherous peanut gallery behind her. If I were her, I would OWN that event!! Nice attitude I agree 100% Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Nice attitude I agree 100% Thanks MT! Although my advice was more like a bull in a china shop, compared to this... My H kept me by his side the whole time. He took me around and introduced me to everyone and I was able to connect with these new people and not feel so much like an outsider. We danced til our feet hurt. I don't know if anyone there knew about the A. It was a small office and people in affairs are never as discrete as they think they are. People notice. If they did, it didn't matter. They embraced me and made me feel welcome. They took their cue from my H and your coworkers will likely do the same. Oh, they all knew. But I think you would have been surprised at how they actually felt about it, smartgirl. I think they embraced you because they genuinely LIKED you and the awesome gracefulness you showed in rising above all the mess. True class will out. You took the high road. People always admire that. I wish the same for Triarge's W. And I completely agree with your advice about how to "work" the crowd at the event... especially the part about mingling. Link to post Share on other sites
KATANYA Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Personally think your giving situation way too much fuel.....W has decided she can live with what happened and you've both moved on. OW has obviously done the same and what's to say she even wants to make a scene with W, show her up, etc...geez. what if she brings her own date? Sounds a bit like both you and W would be somewhat let down! If you HAVE TO go to this function (as in business wise you have no choice) then you and W should go, do what needs to be done and leave. THAT IN MY OPINION IS WHAT SHOWS SUPPORT for each other. Unless there is a need for you and exOW to present together or something, why do you or W have to acknowledge her, the A or anything else? And, quite honestly, if W has a need to one-up the OW at this function be it because she wants OW to see how good she looks, that she has you, etc., don't stop paying the counselling bills yet because W still needs a few sessions to realize that this really isnt about a competition between she and OW...this is about trust and commitment between you and her. Link to post Share on other sites
mopar crazy Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Personally, I wouldn't let the xOW control your lives like this. If you W wants to go, go, and have a good time! Just ignore the xOW. After my WH A there was a company picnic a couple months after we R. We went to the picnic but the OW did not go. I found that quiet funny. She never missed those picnics. I don't know if she didn't go b/c of us (me) or if she had other plans but it was odd that she never showed when she always did in the past. A co-worker of theirs told me she wouldn't be there b/c I was coming w/ H but I don't know if that is true or not. FF to a few months after. We went to dh's HS Reunion. She was at the bar. I didn't see her walk past me as I was speaking to a friend. H had warned me she was there. I ignored her. Even all the times she past me to get to the bar or the restrooms I ignored her. I was standing next to my chair speaking to a friend and the exOW walked past and said hi to my friend (my friend didn't even know her). My friend just gave her a dirty look. exOW and BW can be in the same room together if they are mature adults about it. I was mature about this situation even though I REALLY wanted to go give her a piece of my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Personally think your giving situation way too much fuel.....W has decided she can live with what happened and you've both moved on. OW has obviously done the same and what's to say she even wants to make a scene with W, show her up, etc...geez. what if she brings her own date? Sounds a bit like both you and W would be somewhat let down! If you HAVE TO go to this function (as in business wise you have no choice) then you and W should go, do what needs to be done and leave. THAT IN MY OPINION IS WHAT SHOWS SUPPORT for each other. Unless there is a need for you and exOW to present together or something, why do you or W have to acknowledge her, the A or anything else? And, quite honestly, if W has a need to one-up the OW at this function be it because she wants OW to see how good she looks, that she has you, etc., don't stop paying the counselling bills yet because W still needs a few sessions to realize that this really isnt about a competition between she and OW...this is about trust and commitment between you and her. Spot on post kat - if all was well it shouldn't even BE an issue Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 I haven't read all the posts. I just have an issue with the title of the starting post. Triarge, you don't own your wife or the OW. You can't put them in the same room together. They have to choose that on their own. That's all. Link to post Share on other sites
smartgirl Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 Spot on post kat - if all was well it shouldn't even BE an issue I don't disagree with the idea that the real issues are between W and H. But honestly, what woman could really be so super confident that she wouldn't feel a little shaky in the presence of a woman who was involved with her H for 2 years. I'm not sure I know a woman out there who could go into that situation with complete indifference. In addition, I hear Ws trashed routinely on this site for not being more concerned with looking hot and trying to keep their Hs focused on them and away from other women. That implies a certain amount of competition no matter how you look at it. I think a certain amount of competitiveness can be healthy for a married woman, no matter who the "rival" is. It can help keep you focused on the need to look good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Triarge Posted June 12, 2008 Author Share Posted June 12, 2008 Thanks Mopar & Smartgirl for you unique perspectives. Whilst I appreciate all the comments made I feel better after having heard from BW who have been in the same situation. I feel much better about the event now and I'm not dreading it like I was. I'm still concerned though and do believe I have to be very mindfull of the situation and my own actions. Whilst some may believe that I shouldnt have the choice of putting them both in the same room, I do have the means to prevent that, and would too if I thought it a detriment to my marriage. I would seem though that however uncomfortable it might be for me, if it helps my W (or even the OW) get closure, its for the best. I'll let you know how it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
smartgirl Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 Triarge, In a way, you just need to look at this as part of the "getting back to normal" process. This is sometimes difficult, but necessary. My H and I agreed that for us, we wanted to continue to do the things we would have if the A had not happened. It was more challenging for both of us at first. I was uncomfortable and he was terrified that something would happen as OW is a very confrontational person (has conflicts with coworkers throughout her life). I think OW was no doubt uncomfortable too. Or maybe just angry, it was hard to tell. But with more and more of these events under our belt, the message to all was that their relationship was in the past. This was the present and part of moving towards the future. So I wouldn't say it gave any of us closure exactly, but it was a key to normalizing life again for all concerned. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 if it helps my W (or even the OW) get closure, its for the best. I doubt the exOW is looking for closure, if anything, as you've said earlier, she may DO something bitchy just to be a bitch. What counts is, if going makes your wife feel it's closure, that's good. Shouldn't matter what it does for the exOW. Period. Link to post Share on other sites
smartgirl Posted June 15, 2008 Share Posted June 15, 2008 It is almost 8:30 pm my time, so I'm guessing by now the evening is over and you are home. I've had your situation on my mind for the last few days. I know how it is for me before events like this when OW will or might be there. Normal pre-party I want to look good anxiety, but on steroids. I hope so badly that you and your W had a good time and there were no unpleasant moments. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 15, 2008 Share Posted June 15, 2008 Hope all went well! Look forward to an update T. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 15, 2008 Share Posted June 15, 2008 I also hope things went well. Plse update! My fingers were crossed for your wife. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 15, 2008 Share Posted June 15, 2008 Haven't read an update from you, I hope things are okay with you and your wife T. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Triarge Posted June 16, 2008 Author Share Posted June 16, 2008 Hi all, Sorry I couldnt post sooner.. Cant access this site from home so had to wait to get back to work. Sorry to keep you in suspense Well, here's how it went down.. After an 8 hour shopping marathon my wife found an outfit and looked great. She definately nailed the right 'look' for the night; very smart but not over-dressed, like she was trying too hard. She dressed me well too So we turned up fashionably late at about the point when I knew that the OW and her clicky friends would be gossiping about us bottling it and not turning up. So we arrive and get our drinks from the bar. The OW and her posse are stood very near the bar and we both spotted them. Because we'd arrived late, the place was busy and we ended up boxed in a corner in a bad place. My wife took the lead and made for the center of the room where she found someone she knew and from there on I just kept introducing my W to people and then we found a table with some of my friends from work. All in all, everyone behaved like adults. My wife and the OW. I was so pround of my W though. She held her own and wasnt phased by the OW, her friends or the situation. I think it has really helped my recovery with my W. It's made us closer and I think that facing that demon has had a huge benefit. I'm so glad that most of you convinced me to go with it. Thankyou!!! I was so convinced it would be a disaster. Guess I should have had more faith in my W Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted June 16, 2008 Share Posted June 16, 2008 That's good to hear, Triarge! I'm glad you are focusing on your W. You made a good call, all those years ago, when you married her! Link to post Share on other sites
smartgirl Posted June 16, 2008 Share Posted June 16, 2008 Triarge, In a way, it isn't so much about having faith in your wife as it is having faith in how much stronger the two of you are together than you are separately. When you have the right partner, you can count on them to be there for you and lend you support when you feel shaky. It really makes you feel like a team and that's a good feeling. I will be surprised if you don't get some kind of remark from OW, I know my H did after our first post d-day office party. But in our case it was also the beginning of her really understanding that there was no "them" anymore -- that there was only "us." While she had been cornering him semi-regularly before that to rehash the situation, this was the pretty much the end of that. I can't tell you how happy I am for you and your wife that things went well and that you got all these good feelings from the experience. Good job on introducing her around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Triarge Posted June 16, 2008 Author Share Posted June 16, 2008 I think your right smartgirl. I havnt had a remark yet but I have already noticed a change in the OW around the office. Something is different but its not like she's angry at me, something else. She's never seen my wife and me together before. I think she believed (despite me telling her otherwise) that I took the 'easy' 'staying for the kids' route condeming myself to an unhappy life with second best. She didnt believe I could love my wife like I do. I'm guessing seeing us together as a family (with my two daughters) has shown her otherwise. I'll let you know if she does say anything btw.. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted June 16, 2008 Share Posted June 16, 2008 I think she believed (despite me telling her otherwise) that I took the 'easy' 'staying for the kids' route condeming myself to an unhappy life with second best. She didnt believe I could love my wife like I do. I'm guessing seeing us together as a family (with my two daughters) has shown her otherwise. I guess what she 'believes' now may very well depend on what you told her during the A as well. Did you say "oh btw I love my W and kids and would never leave them but I'll have an A with you anyway"? Was your A just a 'fun diversion' on both sides, or was the OW expecting more from it ? You can't expect to play head games with someone and then have them up and believe you just did a 180...... Maybe now you can ALL just move on - fwiw, you seem to be taking a little too much pleasure in being the "winner" here..... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 16, 2008 Share Posted June 16, 2008 Glad that everything went well!! Big score for you and your wife! Definately brought you two closer and now you both have confidence in eachother. As for the exOW, she had a reality check. More than likely she thought you both would be uncomfortable by her presence and her ego now is bruised. As of now who cares what the exOW thinks or feels. Stay away from her completely, even if she tries to speak to you (if it isn't work related) ignore her and walk away. Silence now is the key..... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 16, 2008 Share Posted June 16, 2008 Maybe now you can ALL just move on - fwiw, you seem to be taking a little too much pleasure in being the "winner" here..... Why shouldn't he? Him and his wife showing up to a work function knowing she was going to be there is HUGE! They survived it and came out ontop. Noone got hurt or embarressed. He's moved on and the exOW isn't a part of his life anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted June 16, 2008 Share Posted June 16, 2008 Why shouldn't he? Him and his wife showing up to a work function knowing she was going to be there is HUGE! They survived it and came out ontop. Noone got hurt or embarressed. He's moved on and the exOW isn't a part of his life anymore. Then whether she's there or not shouldn't be that big a deal, right? Link to post Share on other sites
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