I never want to grow old

[ghunchak]

I am needing some advice in order to cope with an ailing father who just turned 91 on the weekend and is in very bad health. He is bedridden and deaf, unable to control his bladder, has not eaten in the past week and his health is getting worse and worse, he takes 15 aspirins a day for the pain and it sickens me to have to see him suffer like this. It has been going on like this for the past four years.

 

I have a strong belief in God and I am asking why is God keeping my dad alive and made to suffer like he is. If he were an animal he would have been put down. I read the death notices in the paper all the time and I see people who are in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, or even younger and these people have not had a chance to live yet, and here is my dad who would just like to go to sleep and not wake up, yet he does everyday and hates it.

 

My question is why is God or who ever wanting him to live when he is constantly suffering? Also am I a bad daughter for wishing that he would go to sleep and not wake up, for him to go to heaven to a better place where there is no pain. I have told people this and they tell me that I am horrible. But they don't have to see him suffer and look the way that he does on a daily basis. This is tearing me apart.

 

Please any suggestions are greatly appreciated

[quankanne]

your story has touched a pretty raw nerve with me, because recently, we've had to put my mom in the nursing home. She's not been in the best of health in the last 5-10 years because she's a severe diabetic, but because she'd been falling down a lot at home and my dad couldn't take care of her, the nursing home was the safest place. To add insult to injury, she's exhibiting signs of Alzheimers, and for the life of me I cannot figure out why God is allowing this to happen when she's already got health issues ...

 

and like you, I feel guilty for wishing her a speedy death, and for not being able to stop her suffering, but lately I've been wondering whether her situation isn't meant to be a teaching tool for her family. For helping us learn to be more compassionate rather than just ignore her (I write this with my sibs in mind, who are notorious for burying their heads in the sand rather than face a situation), for helping us to learn to be more trusting of others' help, for giving us a way to just let go of all the worry and fear and pain and just concentrate on loving her the best we can while we can.

 

a long time ago, a friend had given me a copy of some writings by a Catholic cardinal, written as sort of a poem, called "I have my mission." In it, the author talks about how "God has created me to do him some definite service … to which he has not committed to another." And he talks about how no matter what you are feeling, you are an instrument God works through -- in sorrow, in perplexity, even in illness. And seeing it from that perspective, I can more easily embrace what's happening to my mother, because even as she goes through the indignity of Alzheimers, it all accounts for something in the grand scheme of things. Maybe, like with your dad, her condition is meant to help purify and heal her family.

 

In the meantime, you are very much in my prayers -- i don't think you're a bad daughter, just a very concerned and loving one to not want to see your dad suffer. God will not look down on you for asking that your dad has a peaceful death ... as for what others have told you, well, bah! Until they experience for themselves, they cannot fathom how hard it is to see someone you love so much suffer needlessly and all you can do is ask for relief.

 

if you need to talk, use the private message system offered through the forum.

 

jo anne

[HokeyReligions]

I can relate to you too. My mother moved in with us 4 years ago and we even had the discussion that if she were a dog she would have been put to sleep years ago.

 

My mother is scared of going to a nursing home and I promised her that it would be a last resort and one of her choosing, but we both know that day is coming.

 

It tears me apart to see her suffer so, she has been in constant pain for many years and we have to fight with the doctors to give her the Vicodin that helps the pain go from a 10 to a 5. The doctors keep saying "it habit forming, blah blah blah" and we have to keep explaining to them that it doesn't matter. Its not like she can go anywhere or do anything and so what if shes addicted if it helps the pain.

 

My mother is a Christian and I have a lot of respect for religious faith, although I am agnostic.

 

God, or any Diety, as far as I know has not explained anything sufficiently for humans to understand and thats why its called faith.

 

But my mother has faith that when her God is ready to take her, He will and not a moment before and that is what she clings to and doesn't ask why. She believes there must be a purpose, maybe like Quank said, your father is still living so that God can teach compassion and whatever else, to those of you around him.

 

My sister refused to allow my mother into her home and she, along with my mothers sister, forced my mother from her home and stole her last bit of independence from her. Prior to that I had a visiting nurse and housekeeper for her, and meals on wheels, etc. so that she could still feel independent. Now all I can do is tell her and show her that she is still wanted, and most important, NEEDED by me.

 

If your fathers hasn't eaten in so long and is taking so many aspirins it sounds like he needs to be in the hospital where they can perhaps help ease the pain.

 

Does he also believe in God? Perhaps the clergy can help him get through his remaining years or days with some peace of mind. Praying together may help too. If he can't hear - can he see to read? Perhaps you can print some large-text bible versus for him to hold and read and you can read them next to him so that he can see you read them? Maybe even if you read them into his ear so he can feel your breath against his face and the two of you will be doing something together and he can feel how loved he is and how much you value him.

 

Something I learned when my father died - its not just tellilng the person that you love them that means so much, but telling them that you know how much they love you is very important.

 

You have my heartfelt sympathy.

[Gray]

Good luck to you and your father, I was very sorry to read about his condition.

 

Please, please, please don't think of yourself as a bad daughter, for simply wanting your father's pain to end. If you do believe in God, then you know theres a better place waiting for him, and I don't see how that could even in the remotest be considered an unloving daughter.

 

I don't really consider myself Christian. But the standard "Christian" answer, for "Why is there so much suffering in the world?" is because Adam and Eve sinned, and were thrown from the Garden of Eden where there was no suffering. So, in a weird twisted way, Christianity's answer is that its our fault.

[Jamie31]

I have worked with the elderly in nursing homes for the past two years now. I have seen everything from a 21 year old boy in the nursing home, bedridden as the result of a car accident to a 101 year old little lady laying in the bed hanging on to life by a few short breaths. I have held the hand of dying patients, suffering and begging for help. I have cared for a 9 year old little girl in the nursing home due to cerebral palsy. It's so terrible to see these helpless people living out their last days in a nursing home just waiting to die. The saddest cases are the young ones, but then again, you have the older people who have lived their whole lives, raised children, had beautiful homes and families to care for who lost everything because they could not care for themselves anymore. It's a terrible burden on any family to have to put a loved one in a nursing home. It's no kind of life. The people that care for them, for the most part, are just in there for the paycheck. The are constantly abused, neglected...left to lay in their own urine and feces for hours. The skin breakdowns are awful, I have seen some the size of dinner plates that go as deep as the bone. It's no life for anyone, and I have vowed to do everything in my power to keep my parents out of a nursing home.

 

Then again, I do not blame people for putting their sick or elderly family members in a nursing home. These people need more care than most of us are able to give them. Aging is a natural process and these awful diseases like Alzheimer's and Parkinsons just take over these old peole to where their brains hardly function other than the basic survival instincts. Until medical technology advances enough to find prevenative measures for these diseases, we are forced to care for these poor individuals until a natural death occurs.

 

I, myself, am all for euthanasia. Even though there are such things as Advance Directives and DNR orders, I still think that if a person is suffering, or has no quality of life and there is no chance at that person redeeming their quality of life, then that person has every right to refuse medical attention or end their suffering. A peaceful death, I believe, is preferrable to a hard, slow, suffering death that could last days, months, even years.

 

You are not a bad person for wishing your father's suffering would end. If I were you, I would too.

 

I wish you all the best.

[quankanne]

we are very fortunate to get my mom in the nursing home she's in, but my parents have been pretty pleased with the place and the staff since my grandma had lived there for about 7 years. I know a couple of the nurses on staff, girls I'd gone to school with and who I know will give me a straight answer when i ask something ... in this case, it's made all the difference knowing that she's in a safe environment, even as she bounces in and out of time periods of her life and insists she's well enough to come home. As much as I hate the idea of her "losing" her independence, I'm so very glad and grateful that we have a place like the one she's at.

 

as for her just being there, waiting to die, it's a very hard reality to swallow; so I try to find the good -- that she's safe, in very good hands and still modeling for us kids (family) a very important lesson in her sickness ...

 

there's a author named Elizabeth Berg, a former nurse, who wrote a book called "Never Change." It's a novella about a home health nurse who finds that one of her patients is a boy from her school days who has come home to die at 51 or 52, and choses to live his last days with her, showing her that it's not so much the patients' whose lives have had an effect on her, but the effect she's had on them by her selflessness. And even though he dies, all the good stuff that she's had because of him -- and because of herself -- still goes on. Maybe that's the lesson here, that there IS a lesson to be learned in the midst of something so ignoble as battling illness and facing death.

 

Ghunchak: one of the priests I work with put it best when he said that you pray for someone's happy death after they've come to the last days of their life. I think it means their reconciling with God and you reconciling with the idea of death. I really don't think there's anything wrong in asking for that for someone you love ...

 

Jamie, please explain DNR and Advance Directive orders a bit more for me -- can they be over-ruled by anyone, or does the patient get the last word in his/her health care? I've heard of DNR (do not resuscitate) but not the other.

[Jamie31]

DNR, if you already know what that stands for (Do Not Resucitate)..means just that. If the person with a DNR order should go into cardiac arrest, then the health care professional are not to try to revive that person. Either the patient themselves make this decision, or if they are not able to make such a decision, then the closest family member can make that decision (i.e. spouse, daughter/son..etc.)

 

Advance Directives is a little different. That means that the patient has a Power of Attorney. That means that patient has a lawyer that makes all the decisions regarding health care if they are not able to and should the time come when a decision between life and death has to be made, the lawyer is the appointed person to make that decision. The patient who chooses to have a power of attorney will meet with the lawyer and discuss what they prefer in the way of health care needs..or if they cannot discuss it with the lawyer, then the next of kin will. That way they know what the patient's wishes are and can make a decision according to what that patient would want.

 

I hope I explained thouroughly enough. If not, let me know what you are confused about or what else you want to know, and I will do my best to answer your questions..

[Just A Girl2]

I am so sorry for your poor father, and I'm sorry that you have to stand by and watch him fail more and more but still hang on.

 

Does he have anyone to help care for him? Who helps to bathe him and feed him (if he requires that at this stage) and turn him during the night and change his bedding etc? Does he have a home care nurse or something such as that?

 

Nobody should have to live out their life with a loss of dignity, or in pain. I'm concerned that he's taking a large number of aspirin (is that definitely what he takes? ASPIRIN?) per day.....the side effects of this can be serious bleeding stomach ulcers, hemorrhaging.....all of which can cause suffering. Does he not have a doctor? Some doctors make house calls. In this day and age, there are excellent medications out there to help people from having to suffer in pain.

 

I have no idea what type of support systems you have there in the U.S. I don't know what to suggest. Can you speak with his doctor to let him know what the situation is? Ask for some suggestions on helping him at least have a little dignity and comfort? Does your father have any kind of healthcare insurance that would cover the cost of a home care nurse, even if just for an assessment in the home to be done and recommendations made?

 

Is there any kind of Seniors Support Group in your city/neighboring city who you can contact to see about getting some help?

 

Does your father have family members who spend time with him, so that he's not alone?

 

You are definitely not a horrible daughter at all. I've been an RN for over 16 yrs and it breaks my heart to see the elderly suffering at home or not having the care they need, or being in pain.

 

My great aunt was a very vibrant spunky woman. She was about 80. Still walked several blocks each day, a real pistol. She ended up with a major stroke that took her ability to speak, her ability to even turn over in bed, and she had to be spoon fed. That poor woman laid in that hospital bed for an entire year..and I'm SURE her mind was still very much there, and it made my heart break to imagine how trapped inside her own body she must have felt. I know a lot of us family members prayed that God would just take her home because it must have been pure hell on earth to "exist" like that for so long. She was a very strong woman and although many would have passed away from complications (blood clots, pneumonia, another stroke, etc), she hung on for a year.

 

I don't know why God allows people to have to endure this type of existence...I'm sure he does not want them to suffer. I just can't give you the answers.

 

Please post here any time you need to get things off your chest. I hope you can find some help for your father, so that at least he's able to live out his final days in comfort and dignity.

[quankanne]

JAG's pointed out something very important -- finding a support group. A lot of times we try to do these things on our own and end up becoming angry, upset, resentful, etc, especially if we feel like we've got to do it all ourselves for the person we love so much.

 

just having someone come in to help by giving the caretaker some time away from constantly watching someone is a big relief, as is knowing there is a group of people that person can talk to, can express worries or fears to ... even though I'm not part of such a group, you can't imagine the relief I've found just talking to friends who care enough to listen or hug me when I need it most. Or helping me to see the bigger picture, that suffering isn't all in vain even when it seems to be.

 

in your case, I think it'd be a good balance to all those people who feel they are "helping" by telling you how horrible it is for you to want your father to stop being in pain and praying for his release.

[moimeme]

A theory which is mine:

 

People ask why we are 'allowed to suffer' in our lifetimes. I figure it's like any other pain you have in a lifetime; it's transitory and fades into insignificance in the whole of our existence. If you are a believer, you believe that you will go on to afterlife, meaning eternity. Once you're there, your corporeal existence will fade in memory and any pain you might have had there will mean nothing. So, like any pain (I'm thinking even cramps), it's awful when you are going through it but when you look back on it, it fades in significance.

 

By the way, if you have a relative in any sort of pain, then seek out pain experts. I have seen a few interviewed and they say there is NO reason that anybody should suffer pain; that there are therapies which will help anyone but you need to find the person who understands how to treat pain properly.

[ghunchak]

Thanks for all the responses that you people have posted. I no longer feel so alone. Isolated....but not alone.

 

My dad lives in a small town in Saskatchewan population 1300 so there is one small hospital and one small nursing and the waiting list for the nursing home is months......I am told it is based on need and that my dad could be put in a nursing home about 200 miles away until a bed comes up in their town which is a waiting list of about one year.

 

...not good as my mom does not drive she is 70.

I am also told that my dad has to go willingly into the hospital or the nursing home, we the family can not force him to be admitted.

What a great health care system we have. He is laying in bed at home moaning and groaning in his own bodily fluids as my mom can not look after him properly.

 

My mom is using the guilt trip on me to move home 200 miles (from where I live in a nice city) and help out, and this is hurting me more than one can imagine. I am 35 and for the last 12 years I have spent my life working in the sales jobs a a cashier barely making ends meet. Then in 2000 I took a computer course and I am making good money, and I am proud of this, and now my mother is trying to make me quit and move home and destroy my life, career and relationship.

 

While growing up my parents had problems with alcohol and I pretty much raised myself, they never showed me any love or affection, but now I am the one that has to save their world at the expense of ruining mine. Sorry, not going to happen.

 

I want to thank you for reaching out to me, it is appreciated.

I still feel as though the walls are closing in, but now with you people's advice, there is some room for me left to breath.

[quankanne]

I'm glad we were able to help in the small way we could. I think the nicest part about this forum is that people are willing to reach out when they sense others need them.

 

As for your dad, do y'all have access to hospice care in his area? I know they did that with my grandma the last few months she was alive. Even though she stayed in the same nursing home, the approach to her care was very different ....

[longlegzs80]

This story is really something. It is sad to hear about your father suffering like that. One quick qestion to you though. Is your father suffering from cancer? I know that is what my grandfather had, and he was suffering very badly and had to talk pills for pain and whatnot. But what is something about this story is how composed you sound. Of course I don't know you or how your reacting on the other end of the computer, but with all you say, it really reminds me of my grandfather.

 

Now, this is the hard thing that I am going to say that might be hurtful or whatever, but maybe it is a way for him not to suffer any longer. You figure, his is bed ridden, bladder not good, takes pills, is feed when he is hungry. I know you don't want him to suffer, so I don't know, I think your best bet is to stop giving him his pills. Because I really feel that with pills, and with feeding the person, you are just prolonging their life. He obviously wants to pass on because he is in pain, and bed ridden and tons of other problems. But I know this hurts, but stop giving him his pills. But I don't know. This is really tough to grasp and no one wants to see anyone suffer like that. I really feel for you. I hope things go well and take care of yourself and your father.

 

Just thought of this too. Why don't you call people from Hospice and tell them your situation. They are very good at what they do, and can tell when someone is going to pass on sometime soon. Really check into Hospice in your area. Take care. Let us know what you choose to do.

[NEONINK]

I've often wondered if we don't control some of our final destiny, not always, but sometimes.

 

I also believe that sometimes people without regrets and without fear of the beyond "let go" easier or more quickly.

 

And then some other people hang on to life for their loved ones. If you are that loved one that's asking your mate, "don't leave me", etc... and telling the doctors to save them at any cost... Don't. Love them forever, but let them go.

 

I think the key in your fear of growing old is live your life so that you have no regrets. Don't hold back from loving and caring. Don't keep putting off your dreams. Don't do things that will cause you suffering and guilt and riddle you with fear of 'what if the Pope's right?'.... Don't smoke. Exercise. Love. Share. Be kind to people. Karma.

 

Enjoy your life and look forward to the next. When your time comes, just remember you had a wonderful life and whatever follows will be as intended.

 

 

And for you... don't feel guilty for anything you are or aren't willing to do at this juncture. Just tell them you love them. Teach them how to love so that they will know next time.

[moimeme]

If you stop giving him his pills, you could be criminally liable.