kllad Posted July 22, 2003 Share Posted July 22, 2003 I am 19 and my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years (lived with for 1 year) just turned 21 about 5 months ago. Ever since he turned 21 he has been at the bar just about every weekend. We had a great relationship before, we would never fight. Now we fight all of the time over him going to the bar. He has never gave me a reason to think he was cheating on me but it just worries me. I just think that he's going to the bar to pick up on girls because thats what all of his friends are doing. (all of his friends are single.) I don't know if I am just being stupid for not wanting him to go or if I actually have a reason to be concerned. Can somebody please help me!! Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted July 22, 2003 Share Posted July 22, 2003 Your boyfriend is very young and is experiencing a new thing. He is, how do you say it, sewing his wild oats. Whether he's actually cheating or looking for ladies is up to you to find out. However, his disrespect for you and his unwillingness to spend weekends with YOU and not at the bar speak loud for where his heart is. I think it's time you reviewed this relationship. Five months is a long time to put up with this kind of BS. Just how much longer are you going to sit around on the weekends wondering if your guy is out screwing around looking for girls with his friends? I think this is something you don't need to be doing. Link to post Share on other sites
longlegzs80 Posted July 22, 2003 Share Posted July 22, 2003 At the age of 21, it seems that majority of people go to the bar. I used to go to the bar when I turned 21 almost every weekend. Almost became a regular at this one bar, but at the age of 22, it just doesn't seem to interest me. What your boyfriend is doing is hopefully just a phase that he will grow out of. Now, if you have some suspision and a gut instinct that your boyfriend is doing something he shouldn't then it could be right. Or maybe you are worrying yourself tooo much over it. Sure he is a young guy and stuff and with his friends and whatever but you need to talk to him about this habit. THis could grow into something huge if it is not being taken care of. You need to talk to him and let him know how you feel. If he wants to party it up at the bars every weekend, so be it. Then you should think about moving on. BEcause it is only going to get worse if he keeps going. Or it could be a phase that is in now since he just turned 21. Overall, talk to him, and when the fighting starts, just mention that you want to talk like 2 grown adults about this matter and there is no need for yelling. Good luck to you. Hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kllad Posted July 22, 2003 Author Share Posted July 22, 2003 Thank you both for you advice. But the problem is, I talked to him and told him how I felt and he just gets mad at me whenever I bring it up. He said that a guy just needs to go out with his boy's and he would come to the house but his friend want to go to the bar. He tells me he loves me more that anything in this world and he dosen't talk to girls because if he did or if he wanted to he wouldn't be with me. I love him way to much to ever leave him or even to move out, so I am kind of stuck. Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut and let him go out. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted July 22, 2003 Share Posted July 22, 2003 YOU WRITE: "I love him way to much to ever leave him or even to move out, so I am kind of stuck. " Stuck??? You love him way too much??? HA...let's see how long that lasts. Unless your self esteem is ZERO, any self respecting lady is not going to put up with this kind of abuse. I'm sorry you don't feel like you deserve better. It is impossible to love somebody who has no respect for your feelings. So you need to sit and figure out...do you really love this selfish butthole or are you just too lazy to find some other place to live??? If you decide you really love him, exactly why would you fall in love with somebody who treats you like crap and crawls all over you when you ask for some weekend attention...a guy who would rather be out looking for women with his friends??? This is so pathetic it stinks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kllad Posted July 22, 2003 Author Share Posted July 22, 2003 I have plenty of self esteem! Thank you very much!!He doesn't walk all over me either! We have a very loving a great relationship. He gives me all the attention in the wold. The only problem is him going out on the weekends. And yes I love him that much that I would never leave him and will just work through this thing. He has respect for me and I have respect for him and he is NOT a butthole! I am not to lazy to find somewhere else to live, I have plenty of other places to live. I just chose not to because I love him. I dint ask you to tear apart me and my relationship. All I wanted was for some advice from someone else who had been through my shoes and how they dealt with it!! Link to post Share on other sites
SUGARMAGNOLIA Posted July 22, 2003 Share Posted July 22, 2003 I agree that it might be something that he will grow out of. Everybody needs to have time with their friends. It's tough because you're just not old enough to go along and see it for yourself. You live with him, so you know that his not taking anyone home and you know when he doesn't come home. Plus he wouldn't be a very good friend stealing the chances with the ladies from his single friends. I think that you shouldn't be concerned about him finding a bar hoochy better than you. But from my previous experience you need to pick you battles and maybe this one is not it. Jealousy is a natural reaction, but too much may drive you two apart. In 2 1/2 years you may understand that being jealous was silly. So I say believe him when he says that he is just going to hang out with his friends. Things don't get better by not trusting him--that's the quickest way to get him to wander Link to post Share on other sites
Author kllad Posted July 22, 2003 Author Share Posted July 22, 2003 Thank you so much for advice surgermagnolia. I think you right. Link to post Share on other sites
zingy Posted July 23, 2003 Share Posted July 23, 2003 all's i got to say on this...is that my fiance is 44 and STILL has yet to outgrow his need for the bar... not to mention that going every weekend eventurally turned him into an alcoholic... you want sugar coated reasoning for this but after five months, i think it has become a habit...a baaaad habit.. you should reread some of what tony is saying because being with my guy for five years now and every single weekend we HAVE to go out...he needs his relaxing time to unwind, destress and blah blah blah.. while underneath i believe still lies some remmants of his alcoholic days dispite the fact that we now only go out every other weekend... per my request, but he is not happy about....i don't believe they all out grow it but yes some do... some dont'...how long are you going to wait to find out??? Link to post Share on other sites
SUGARMAGNOLIA Posted July 23, 2003 Share Posted July 23, 2003 Not everyone who goes to the bar becomes an alcoholic. Not everyone who drinks becomes an alcoholic. The guy just turned 21, he's doing something that's new to him, I don't think that means he has a problem Link to post Share on other sites
Baldy Posted July 23, 2003 Share Posted July 23, 2003 As a guy, I agree with SUGARMAGNOLIA. I personally think he is just hanging out and doing something new. Here in the UK the legal age is 18 so by the time we get to 21 we have got the whole 'hey, I can drink now' thing out of our system. Especially when most people actually start at 16 as the laws are not that harsh here! I did the same thing when I was younger. It was like "hey we can go out drinking" so we did. And typically at that age it was every weekend and in large amounts. I was just hanging out with friends and experiencing something new. It had NOTHING to do with finding chicks. For my single friends it was, but as I was in a happy relationship I was just hanging out. Hope that helps! Link to post Share on other sites
zingy Posted July 23, 2003 Share Posted July 23, 2003 i did not say that "everyone" becomes an alcoholic. i did not say that 'everyone" who drinks becomes an alcoholic. i said that it can lead to it though so be careful. i still stand that after five months it should be enough time to get it out of his system.. come on five months?????!!!!!!! how long are you going to wait for him to get it out of his system? five more months, six, seven, a year, two years??? time limit? Link to post Share on other sites
kimber Posted July 25, 2003 Share Posted July 25, 2003 I go to the bar on the weekends and my b/f does not always like it, I explain to him that I am not there to pick up guys, i am there to be with my friends and to listen to loud music, My passion is music and I also enjoy myself there. If you do not believe in your heart that he is not cheating then please do not worry about it as I am going through the same thing now too. My b/f has nothign to worry I just have fun there and that is it just me though Link to post Share on other sites
Half Full of Empty Posted August 25, 2003 Share Posted August 25, 2003 I too agree with Sugar Magnolia. It's a new thing and natural to want to explore it. However, I caan certainly understand the frustration of a partner who cannot, opposed to, chooses not participate in the activity. As an aside, it should have been obvious what position Sugar Magnolia was going to take. After all, she's no doubt understanding and "takes the wheel when I'm seeing double, pays my ticket when I speed." (sorry, had to throw the in the gdead ref) Link to post Share on other sites
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