Why not tell the wife?

[grogster]

OWL - my heavens - this doesn't seem like you at all...

 

Grogster was speaking about the fact that American's do not have a universal set of "values". Which, of course, we do not. It's obvious from the Americans on this forum at the very least.

 

He said nothing about the presence or lack of American morals - and just like other countries, some have morals, some do not, and some refer to the morals of a person they disagree with as non-existent....

 

We aren't all alike and thank heavens (and our founding fathers) for that.

 

As usual, you're spot on, stilltricks. I wasn't going to respond to Owl because I know what I meant, and I know that I love my country.

 

I just rub some people the wrong way. Such is life.

[OWoman]

LOL sure you did. You told your profiler that you post on an ow board and this is the conclusion they had for you and thenhe/she graded it? Ummm ok yea umm lol.

 

I sent the comments. If you read them, you'll see they make no reference to "an ow board" but rather make sweeping claims about how I hide my insecurities behind some front yadda yadda yadda so I can't feel empathy.

 

When you were having that profile done did you tell the evaluator that you like to play with married men?

 

Psychometric profiling involves completing a great number of questionnaires, which ask you to choose an answer from several options. It's called "multiple choice". The questionnaires focus on different aspects such as behaviour under stress, interests, preferred work style, etc. There is usually some kind of classification scheme behind it, such as Myers-Briggs, Insights, Enneagrams etc. Then they have simulations where you are assigned a role and a "project" or scenario, and they viodeotape how you and your team respond. This is analysed and feedback is provided via a report.

 

Conversations with the consultant are typically limited to "what time to do we break for coffee?" and "do we need to write that down?" so no, sex lives are not typically discussed. Sorry to disappoint.

[Lookingforward]

You really are an insecure person. Again you have to "try" to act all superior.:laugh: It is not very becoming.

 

So basically you didn't feel the need to be honest about where the comments about you came from. Why is that?

 

and this is about the topic of this thread in what way ???

[OWoman]

You really are an insecure person. Again you have to "try" to act all superior.:laugh: It is not very becoming.

 

So basically you didn't feel the need to be honest about where the comments about you came from. Why is that?

 

:rolleyes: I don't discuss my sex life with my dentist, either. Perhaps you do - your choice. As is mine to maintain the boundaries I see fit. Which has nothing to do with insecurity and everything to do with appropriateness. You might try it sometime - I'm sure your dentist would be grateful.

[noforgiveness]

owoman I am sorry for you. Honestly I am. I am sorry for the childhood you have led. I am sorry for the dysfunction you have had to endure that led you to date mm for sport. I hope the huge wall of protection you have placed around yourself will keep your heart intact.

Good luck with that woman's husband. Good luck being a stepmother.

[OldEurope]

Americans are just as frisky as Europeans, if not more...

 

Nor do all Europeans regard affairs, etc. casually. They get just as hurt.

[Owl]

Grogster...I apologize. I apparently misunderstood the intent and direction of your post.

 

Honestly, I've always been a part of the "love it or leave it" brigade. There is no way I can explain what I've gone through in my life for my country...and the cost of what I've been through sometimes weighs more heavily than it should. And I think that lately any perceived 'attack' on that country seems a lot more personal given what I've put into it.

 

I jumped to a conclusion about your post, and I sincerely apologize.

[grogster]

Grogster...I apologize. I apparently misunderstood the intent and direction of your post.

 

Honestly, I've always been a part of the "love it or leave it" brigade. There is no way I can explain what I've gone through in my life for my country...and the cost of what I've been through sometimes weighs more heavily than it should. And I think that lately any perceived 'attack' on that country seems a lot more personal given what I've put into it.

 

I jumped to a conclusion about your post, and I sincerely apologize.

 

No problem, Owl. The issue lied with my limited powers of expression as opposed to your powers of comprehension.

 

I try to telegraph too much in too few words.

[OWoman]

owoman I am sorry for you. Honestly I am. I am sorry for the childhood you have led. I am sorry for the dysfunction you have had to endure that led you to date mm for sport. I hope the huge wall of protection you have placed around yourself will keep your heart intact.

Good luck with that woman's husband. Good luck being a stepmother.

 

NF I have no need of your patronising, so save it for someone who has .

 

And my SO has made it quite clear to "that woman" that he is no longer her H, and that the certification of that by the courts can't be quick enough. We need no luck. We create our own fortune through our actions.

 

And I need no luck step-parenting. I've raised young adults - that I've given birth to, and that I've "inherited" - to maturity with great success. I have no doubts that I can do so again. Whether or not you share my views.

 

Good luck with your life, NF. I do hope that one day you overcome your bitterness and insecurity and learn to accept and understand people who may hold different views to yourself. I'll ask the neighbours to pray that one day you, too, will learn to know true happiness.

[mopar crazy]

No bitterness or insecurity. I will never respect someone who has no personal moral boundaries. To me sneaking around with a married man does not earn respect and I will never accept their reasoning for it. Some things are off limits and you must be disciplined enough to honor that not act like a small child who says i want that kids toy I am just going to take it.

 

It's sad to say that some women, or men for that matter, don't see it that way.

 

I know my H's xOW didn't feel that way. Her words "If I want something (meaning a MM) I am going to go after it." Made me want to hurl! What a bitch! And to think I could have been friends w/ her.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Hmmm wasnt there a female poster who was mad because the wife did know and kicked the husband out. She was mad that the husband was still pining after the wife and she felt second best?

 

I think once the wife knows it interjects a dose of reality into the affair. A hard needed dose to know who your dealing with. and where you stand.

[pelicanpreacher]

OWoman, I'm not trying to flame here but, the caliber of MM you frequent seem, in my mind, to be immature and insecure. They profess to be happily married yet resort to childish behavior by disclosing intimate and confidential communications with their wives to impress and amuse you while knowingly allowing themselves to be used as sex toys upon command in order to feel validated in their sexual prowess. It seems a person of your intelligence would tire of the work involved to seduce and maintain a relationship with these guys so quickly that you'd rather impose celibacy upon yourself than lower your standards to accomodate these pathetic excuses for men. Sex is important but, not enough to sell your soul.

 

Do you intend to continue engaing other MM after your MM is finally divorced or are you going to convert from a polygamous lifestyle to a monogamous one (maybe you've already tired of sleeping with multiple partners already...I don't know)! Does your current MM know and accept the number of affairs with MM you've had in your lifetime or is he under the guise that he is somehow lucky and special (like so many guys will) that he met someone chaste of his intelligence and conservative values whose chemistry clicks with a once in a lifetime love? If your MM is not fully aware of your lifestyle and cannot accept polygamy or your past affairs with other MM will he be likely to walk or would you feel forced to dump him?

 

I know you value trust and communication in your relationship but, like many relationships I'm aware of, there are certain topics best left alone.

[frannie]

Today's New York Times had a front page story about how other countries--Canada, England, for example--prohibit and criminalize so-called "hate speech." While in the USA, even "hate speech" is protected from Governmental action by the First Amendment.

 

It's 'incitement to create racial hatred' amongst other things which is a criminal offence in the UK. It's not universally agreed with, however. There are plenty which would prefer to see complete freedom of speech, even to the extent of allowing the victimisation of racial minorities. Big debating topic, and I'm not quite sure which side I come down on. I think that those inciting race hatred make themselves look foolish enough without laws to protect against it. Then again I'm not a member of a racial minority.

 

Sorry, this is totally off-topic and I don't want to start a debate about it!! but I didn't want to just let it lie out there like the UK didn't agree with 'free speech'.

[pelicanpreacher]

After reading here for a while I have some ideas on why a OW doesn't tell the wife the truth. Please tell me if I'm wrong.

 

#1 - The OW is only in the affair for the sex and doesn't want the MM full time. Telling the wife might result in the MM being single and want more than the OW wants to give him.

 

#2 - The OW is afraid that if the wife knows the MM will try to fix the marriage and the OW will be out of the picture.

 

#3 - The OW feels that she doesn't owe the BW anything because the OW isn't married to the wife and therefor isn't responsible for anything that has to do with the wife.

 

#4 - The OW believes the MM when he tells her how awful the BW is and that if the BW found out she would steal the kids and all his money.

 

The way I see it, everyone deserves the truth. If the truth causes pain for anyone, why would anyone want to live that kind of lie?

 

I started a new thread because I didn't want to thread jack another thread with my thoughts about telling the wife the truth.

 

Thanks for the PM and yes I totally agree!

[Adunaphel]

I empathize with your reason to protect youself from physical harm so on that note I can agree that it would be prudent to be careful under those circumstances. But as time has elapsed and he's moved on to other affairs I'd think you should be able to clue his wife anonymously that you had an affair with her husband and provide just enough details about him to verify to her that you know what you're talking about. After that, its on his W to take action and you'd be blameless about the outcome.

Thank you for replying.

I wonder what the best way to clue her would be - she has no email address, I do not know her home phone number, she lives in a different town and I am not sure it would be wise to involve a third person. Do you think the latter could be a good idea?

 

I think you're setting yourself up to be badly hurt though with the line your current MM is feeding you about the kids and his sham marriage. I think the pain many OW experience under these circumstance can be avoided by simply drawing a line in the sand and saying NO! ... Sh#T OR GET OFF THE POT! Call me when the divorce is final! You only have one life to live so please don't allow anyone to play with your life and time!

I guess I very well might - I just hope he is not the typical MM - he does not sound like he is, but I guess it does not really mean anything until I see some facts.

Out of curiosity, how long does it take in the US to divorce?

In my country it takes a minimum of three years since separation papers are signed, so it is quite long a process.

I think that the next time I see him (we are going to spend a few days together in a couple of weeks) we will have some serious talk to do. I am also very curious to find out whether he will tell his W clearly that he is seeing another person. The other time we spent three days together he didn't provide her with any information apart from where he was going and when, and she didn't ask anything.

[OWoman]

It's 'incitement to create racial hatred' amongst other things which is a criminal offence in the UK. It's not universally agreed with, however. There are plenty which would prefer to see complete freedom of speech, even to the extent of allowing the victimisation of racial minorities. Big debating topic, and I'm not quite sure which side I come down on. I think that those inciting race hatred make themselves look foolish enough without laws to protect against it. Then again I'm not a member of a racial minority.

 

Sorry, this is totally off-topic and I don't want to start a debate about it!! but I didn't want to just let it lie out there like the UK didn't agree with 'free speech'.

 

Yeah we've got pretty much the same - freedom of speech, freedom of religion, freedom of association, freedom of movement etc guaranteed SO LONG AS they do not violate the rights of anyone else as guaranteed by the Constitution. So if your "free speech" violates my right to dignity, the courts will rule in favour of my dignity and you'll need to constrain your speech to contexts where it's not going to assault my - or others' - dignity.

 

Basically, it's an admission that no rights are absolute, and that they're always in balance with the rights of someone else. Whose rights hold sway in a particular context at a particular time goes back to some fundamental hierarchical ranking - the right to a fair trial will probably win against a newspaper's right to freedom of speech, say, if what they're wanting to publish could jeopardise the outcome by exerting undue influence. (IIRC, there was a similar ruling in the US some years back - the 1980s Boomtown Rats song "I don't like Mondays" was banned back then DESPITE FREEDOM OF SPEECH protestations because the teenage subject of the song was on trial and the song was deemed to place the objectivity of the jury at risk.)

[grogster]

It's 'incitement to create racial hatred' amongst other things which is a criminal offence in the UK. It's not universally agreed with, however. There are plenty which would prefer to see complete freedom of speech, even to the extent of allowing the victimisation of racial minorities. Big debating topic, and I'm not quite sure which side I come down on. I think that those inciting race hatred make themselves look foolish enough without laws to protect against it. Then again I'm not a member of a racial minority.

 

Sorry, this is totally off-topic and I don't want to start a debate about it!! but I didn't want to just let it lie out there like the UK didn't agree with 'free speech'.

 

The New York Times article centered on a Canadian magazine article that was critical of Muslims. The article apparently injured some feelings in the Canadian Muslim community. Incitement of racial hatred is one thing, hypersensitive paranoia used politically to crush debate and discussion is altogether different.

 

These "hurt feeling" anti-speech laws deter debate, smother critical speech and make for an extremely bland society where everyone walks on egg shells for fear of hurting someone's ethnic, religious, national pride.

 

Folks should toughen up, and stop being cry babies. They could start by posting on one of the LS infidelity Threads. That will harden them.

[CAMAYPARK]

I have thought about it and a friend recently suggested that I should or she could send my blog (unwanted - all about the rellie) over to his DD.

 

On days like today, whereby I feel like crawling into a little corner and not wanting to be seen again, hence why I am here, I could really well, let the blog slip pass and onto his wife. But nay.................. I can't.

 

What will it achieve?

[OWoman]

These "hurt feeling" anti-speech laws deter debate, smother critical speech and make for an extremely bland society where everyone walks on egg shells for fear of hurting someone's ethnic, religious, national pride.

 

I can't speak for Canada, having never been there, but in my country the laws do anything but! Debate rages fiercely all the time, in all spheres, in all contexts, at all levels. Debate can happen perfectly respectfully.

 

I live in one of the most diverse, most multi-faceted societies on the planet. My home town has significant populations of, for example, Jews and Muslims. The Palestine / Israel debate rages across dinner tables and newspaper headlines and lecture halls all the time, with vehement opinions expressed on both sides. Yet we've not had a single "terrorist attack" by a militant Muslim group, nor on a Muslim group, in contrast to many other countries INCLUDING those with 'free speech' and those with 'hate speech' legislation. (More likely, they'll all march to the US embassy and burn an effigy of George Bush in the street outside to protest US interference in the Middle East! We've had a fair bit of that...)

[silktricks]

Folks should toughen up, and stop being cry babies. They could start by posting on one of the LS infidelity Threads. That will harden them.

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao:

[grogster]

I can't speak for Canada, having never been there, but in my country the laws do anything but! Debate rages fiercely all the time, in all spheres, in all contexts, at all levels. Debate can happen perfectly respectfully.

 

I live in one of the most diverse, most multi-faceted societies on the planet. My home town has significant populations of, for example, Jews and Muslims. The Palestine / Israel debate rages across dinner tables and newspaper headlines and lecture halls all the time, with vehement opinions expressed on both sides. Yet we've not had a single "terrorist attack" by a militant Muslim group, nor on a Muslim group, in contrast to many other countries INCLUDING those with 'free speech' and those with 'hate speech' legislation. (More likely, they'll all march to the US embassy and burn an effigy of George Bush in the street outside to protest US interference in the Middle East! We've had a fair bit of that...)

 

Bush has probably been burned in effigy more than any other leader. Is anyone keeping stats? What will the burners in effigy do if Obama 's elected President? Is it psychologically more difficult, politically incorrect even, to burn a Black man in effigy? Perhaps.

 

I'm happy that debate rages in your country despite hate speech suppression. As is often the case, I stand corrected.

[OWoman]

Bush has probably been burned in effigy more than any other leader. Is anyone keeping stats? What will the burners in effigy do if Obama 's elected President? Is it psychologically more difficult, politically incorrect even, to burn a Black man in effigy? Perhaps.

 

Interesting question! (apologies for t/j....)

 

In my country he's not considered "black", as he's far paler than 90% of the population here, and he doesn't drip bling and speak with a "gangsta" accent (which is the only image people out here have of black Americans - yea, the power of the media...) He's considered American. So, if he were President, I imagine there'd be plenty of burnings if he did stick to his undertaking to "protect Israel against Iran". (If, on the other hand, he ended the trade blockade against Cuba, sent [unqualified] aid instead of troops to Iraq or removed trade barriers to Africa, he'd be offered honorary doctorates from all the universities, people would trace their family trees back to some common ancestor, and his African rather than American roots would be foregrounded. Amazing how perspective shifts when interests are served!)

 

And, of course, if it's black people burning the effigy - where's the issue?

[melbar68]

I havent told for most of the reasons you metioned but the main one is what she doesnt know will never hurt and she has never hurt me so why would i want to hurt her. i love my MM so much but do i want to cook for him everyday i dont think so. yes i love waking up with him when i have and yes i love being with him sooooooooo much but the wife doesnt have to know that you are the OW.

[mopar crazy]

I havent told for most of the reasons you metioned but the main one is what she doesnt know will never hurt and she has never hurt me so why would i want to hurt her. i love my MM so much but do i want to cook for him everyday i dont think so. yes i love waking up with him when i have and yes i love being with him sooooooooo much but the wife doesnt have to know that you are the OW.

 

Ya know, I had this attitude when I was in my late teens. I was an OW to a man in a CR. Even after she moved in w/ him I continued to see him. But as soon as I found out he M her shortly after I went to college it was done, I was NEVER going to go back into that R. I knew I could, I just chose not to b/c he was M. I was NOT having an A w/ a MM. I loved this guy very much and it was hard to move on but I did.

 

My point is, how can a woman do this to another woman? Do you not care you are sleeping w/ another woman's H? How would you feel if someone was sleeping w/ your BF/H? Would you not care? Imagine just for once how you would feel if your SO had an OW. OW, don't answer that, I know what your answer will be.

[GreenEyedLady]

My point is, how can a woman do this to another woman? Do you not care you are sleeping w/ another woman's H? How would you feel if someone was sleeping w/ your BF/H? Would you not care? Imagine just for once how you would feel if your SO had an OW.

 

OW, don't answer that, I know what your answer will be.

 

I don't think you know what everyone's answer will be and your comment is very condescending, to say the least. Why even post the questions if your mind is made up? You can't even say you have an open mind when your post so clearly points to the truth.

 

How can a woman do this to another woman? Honestly, it happens everyday. Women are very catty to one another, or haven't you noticed?

 

I think sometimes it's a competition thing and sometimes it's a situation where one person is at a low point in their life and they fall for someone who's married. Or they're in a close proximity to the MP and they end up falling in love and have the opportunity.

 

In my case, I didn't know he was married for over a year. And when I found out, I thought it would end eventually and I wasn't doing anything differently than I had before, just that I knew the truth about it.

 

But I felt horrible about it. It wasn't anything I had aspired to. I loved him and I wanted to be with him, as my own. But when you are an adult, and you are in this type of R, it's not so easy to just say goodbye when you are both invested. That's why people risk so much when they continue in A's. It's not addiction, it's a choice. A very hard choice. Especially when you know (or for all the nay-sayers out there) or are told how bad it is at home. And sometimes it is true, and those are the ones who eventually leave.

 

But I became tired of being the OW, and I broke it off. Because I wanted to know that I had bowed out and let them try and make it work. That's not how it turned out.

 

And as for your last question, of course I would care if someone was sleeping with my S/O. In fact in my 1st M, my XH was with someone else. But you know what, I didn't hate the OP, I hated what my XH had done to me. They're still together to this day, and they love our kids, so life has a way of working out. I to this day don't consider myself a BS like those on this forum.

 

I'm just GEL.