Why not tell the wife?

[porter218]

I don't believe it is the OWs responsability to tell, but it is the good thing to do. Every A is different and sometimes the OW is giving the MM time to prove he will leave on his own instead of getting dumped by his W and ending up with the OW by default. I think they would rather know that he actually wants to be with her over his wife instead of default. But at some point in time if the MM doesn't leave and doesn't tell the W, then maybe the OW should wonder if the MM was full of s*** and at that point tell the wife.

[NewSunrise]

It's amazing to read the posts on this thread. So much self justifications as to why not tell the unsuspect BW.

 

What seem to be the jest of this thread is that people don't give a shti about other people as long as it doesn't affect them.

 

Sure, it should be the WH, cheating spouse to tell the W. But, hey, he was lying in the first place. What difference does it make to him? Truth wasn't in his blood to begin with when he crossed the line. What makes ANYONE think that he'll fess up at anytime. As long as the unsuspecting BW doesn't suspect anything, his life is honky dory, isn't it? Why rock the sin boat?

 

Okay, now blame the BS who knows and wants to keep the "status quo". Hey, if that's the arrangement of their marriage, then more power to them and let them celebrate their 50th year anniversary with more of the same. The H screws around, and the W indulges in shopping spree and massages from a cabana boy. It's called symbiotic relationship.

 

Everything aside, if someone you care, as in your sister, cousin or best friend and you found out their spouse has been cheating on them? Bet you'd be first to quickly tell them wouldn't you? At least I would. You know why? Because now the situation is different. It affects me and the people I care.

 

Precisely my earlier premise. People don't give a s***t until if affects them DIRECTLY. Until then, you hear people babble over and over applying the same double standard game---yep, status quo.

[pelicanpreacher]

It's amazing to read the posts on this thread. So much self justifications as to why not tell the unsuspect BW.

 

What seem to be the jest of this thread is that people don't give a shti about other people as long as it doesn't affect them.

 

Sure, it should be the WH, cheating spouse to tell the W. But, hey, he was lying in the first place. What difference does it make to him? Truth wasn't in his blood to begin with when he crossed the line. What makes ANYONE think that he'll fess up at anytime. As long as the unsuspecting BW doesn't suspect anything, his life is honky dory, isn't it? Why rock the sin boat?

 

Okay, now blame the BS who knows and wants to keep the "status quo". Hey, if that's the arrangement of their marriage, then more power to them and let them celebrate their 50th year anniversary with more of the same. The H screws around, and the W indulges in shopping spree and massages from a cabana boy. It's called symbiotic relationship.

 

Everything aside, if someone you care, as in your sister, cousin or best friend and you found out their spouse has been cheating on them? Bet you'd be first to quickly tell them wouldn't you? At least I would. You know why? Because now the situation is different. It affects me and the people I care.

 

Precisely my earlier premise. People don't give a s***t until if affects them DIRECTLY. Until then, you hear people babble over and over applying the same double standard game---yep, status quo.

 

Bingo! The selfishness expressed here is palpable!

[NewSunrise]

Additionally, the OW is no different than the cheating H. She wasn't in it for the truth. She knew the dude was married. But like the cheating H, she too crossed the line. She's getting exactly what she wants. No committment. Partial committment. Sex when he breezes through town and possibly similar benefits as the the W who knows or the unsuspecting BW less the "realities" of marriage. Why should she rock the sin boat? She's cruising happily along because perhaps for what "might be" like so many OWs believing their MM will leave their Ws for them. Or better yet, another MM down the road. Or if they're lucky, an "available" male who will equally provide the same emotional and physical rewards. Just as long as the OW is getting what she wants which is probably better than what they had before the MM came along, WHY would they be the one to "tell" the W the truth? And what, lose it all? Hell no! After all, they've come to believe that the MM is their soulmates. Hey, if they want to wait for their married prince charming to deliver, more power to them. Let them.

 

Now, flip this scenario over. If they now become a member of their MM's harem, how do you think they'll react. The playing field is now different, isn't? You think many OWs who are in the "ladies in waiting" camp will go for it? Which one of you OW will spring the truth to the W, much less to each other? Bet, you'd walk away, wouldn't you? Who knows both OWs might duke it out as they do on Jerry Springer. Or maybe you'll tell the 2nd OW to go pound salt. Who knows? But it's no longer a smooth sail, is it?

 

Having the W as the primary competition is a cake walk. But having another OW? Hell no! Precisely! It's okay to screw another woman's husband, but it's suddenly NOT okay to have another OW screw your married dude.

 

Yes, we all know you just "happened" to fall in love with a married dude or woman. But there comes a time when "prudent and moral judgement" must kick in and outweigh the "just happened" argument. But rarely excercised, isn't? You know why? Because as long as people are getting what they want, they DON'T CARE. THEY DON'T GIVE A S**T ABOUT ANYONE UNTIL IT AFFECTS THEM.

[OpenBook]

Well I sure hope y'all feel better now. You come in here to the OM/OW forum and vent your bitterness, castigating all OW's in general for being selfish and not coming clean to the BS. It doesn't change your own situations one iota. Your H still betrayed you. You have yet to hear from his OW. Most MM cheat on their W's behind their backs, and will continue to do so. The world does not conform to the way you think it should be.

 

And while we're on the "selfish" theme here, you're conveniently forgetting that everyone - INCLUDING YOU - is selfish, always looking out for their own interests. You want the OW to inform you of the A so that you can decide for yourself what is best for YOU and your own life. Isn't that selfish too?

 

A W who stays in her sham of a M because she is too afraid to give up her lifestyle and the "status quo" and (gasp!!) actually live out loud and make it on her own - isn't she being selfish too? She's taking the easy way out. Well, so is her cheating H.

 

If you judge and condemn others for the choices they make, you must also judge and condemn yourself.

[Meaplus3]

After reading here for a while I have some ideas on why a OW doesn't tell the wife the truth. Please tell me if I'm wrong.

 

#1 - The OW is only in the affair for the sex and doesn't want the MM full time. Telling the wife might result in the MM being single and want more than the OW wants to give him.

 

#2 - The OW is afraid that if the wife knows the MM will try to fix the marriage and the OW will be out of the picture.

 

#3 - The OW feels that she doesn't owe the BW anything because the OW isn't married to the wife and therefor isn't responsible for anything that has to do with the wife.

 

#4 - The OW believes the MM when he tells her how awful the BW is and that if the BW found out she would steal the kids and all his money.

 

The way I see it, everyone deserves the truth. If the truth causes pain for anyone, why would anyone want to live that kind of lie?

 

I started a new thread because I didn't want to thread jack another thread with my thoughts about telling the wife the truth.

 

While I am a firm believer that the "Truth will set you free", I also believe that if it's going cause more pain and sorrow then it's better to keep a tight lip.I came to conclude this when I was involved in an ea with mm neighbor.

 

In looking back, I realize that I would have created more hurt and pain then anything else by informing mm's wife about the R that was going on. I believe that by telling her it would not change mm way's, the change had to come from the mm in order for him to be faithful in the marriage. So the way I see it, it's up to the cheater to come clean with their spouse about the affair. That's where the real truth comes in. Just my thoughts.

 

AP:)

[pelicanpreacher]

Well I sure hope y'all feel better now. You come in here to the OM/OW forum and vent your bitterness, castigating all OW's in general for being selfish and not coming clean to the BS. It doesn't change your own situations one iota. Your H still betrayed you. You have yet to hear from his OW. Most MM cheat on their W's behind their backs, and will continue to do so. The world does not conform to the way you think it should be.

 

And while we're on the "selfish" theme here, you're conveniently forgetting that everyone - INCLUDING YOU - is selfish, always looking out for their own interests. You want the OW to inform you of the A so that you can decide for yourself what is best for YOU and your own life. Isn't that selfish too?

 

A W who stays in her sham of a M because she is too afraid to give up her lifestyle and the "status quo" and (gasp!!) actually live out loud and make it on her own - isn't she being selfish too? She's taking the easy way out. Well, so is her cheating H.

 

If you judge and condemn others for the choices they make, you must also judge and condemn yourself.

 

You're twisting the definition of self-preservation of an unsuspecting wife into selfishness when you trivialize her financial input into the marriage as well as her interest in maintaining her health. Remember, the assets of a marriage are built over time through steady investment and require sacrifice on the part of both parties to achieve and maintain them. Since most young men show a tendancy toward being irresponsible with money, in many cases, its the wife who pulls the reins on spending in order for them to build assets for the future.

 

Since selfishness goes hand in hand with greed I can't help but wonder how much incentive those marital assets and his earning power may have on an OW's desire and designs for the MM. If the union of the MM and OW were based strictly on the love they espoused for each other and the OW was willing to take him penniless and destitute while financially supporting him for the remainder of his days then more power to the new union. But that's not the real world though is it. If we're being being truthful you, the OW, want him to divorce his wife and take her for everthing she's got! Since you feel that the best way for you to play the W is by keeping her in the dark while you build and develop your affair with her husband then why should you be expected to be noble and fair in her treatment during the divorce?

 

The way the law used to read across all 50 states stipulated that adultery was a criminally punishable offence and that the courts were allowed to typically award the BS with the majority of the assets of the estate along with a hefty chunk of his future income awarded for child and spousal support. Thanks to the Women's Liberation Movement the laws have become more liberal and accepting of deviant behavior which has improved the OW's advantage at gaining a windfall of those assets and a minimization of MM's obligations to support his wife and children after the marriage is concluded.

 

So, beyond the desire for a soulmate, the OW is also calculating her MM's earning potential, his maturity (trained by his wife) with finances in building assets, and his willingness to part with those assets in support of a new life together.

 

On a second note, what about the exposure the OW subjects the W to regarding venereal diseases? Certain STD's can take years off the life of an individual so, if the OW has been exposed to STDs, including HPVs in the past, wouldn't common human decency compel an OW to let the W know she's sexually active with her husband to ensure she doesn't become the inadvertent victim of disease?

[luvmy2ns]

And while we're on the "selfish" theme here, you're conveniently forgetting that everyone - INCLUDING YOU - is selfish, always looking out for their own interests. You want the OW to inform you of the A so that you can decide for yourself what is best for YOU and your own life. Isn't that selfish too?

 

OMG! I almost couldn't BREATHE after I read this, I was laughing so! You would dare to label someone selfish who simply wants to know the truth of THEIR OWN EXISTENCE?! What hogwash.

[Adunaphel]

I've been the OW twice.

In the first case I didn't tell because it would have been plain hypocrisy on my part. Since I ended the 'fling' (even if I had completely lost my head I can't really call it an "affair") and I got over him and over the experience (which took almost two years) I have considered actually telling his W.

The reasons why I didn't are:

- I am not sure she is not aware of what kind of person her H is. *all* of his friends know he is a cheating *******, and I do not think it would take his W a lot to find out about it if she *really* wanted to.

- I am scared of the consequences. Meaning that I'm not sure about how he'd react. He once jokingly threatened a friend of mine to "kick her ass" (which in my language sounds more like a physical threat than it does in english), and I think that he fact that he *could* harm a woman is a possibility.

 

In my current situation, I expect him to tell his W at one point that he is seeing another person.

He has already told her he is no longer in love with her, that their marriage is over and he's staying for the kids (assuming that he has not been feeding me lies) - I am not the reason why their marriage has been falling apart, even if i suspect I might be just an 'exit affair', which I guess only time will tell.

 

If either W were ever to contact me or ask me anything, I'm telling everything.

[grogster]

An Affair, to breathe, needs secrecy. Secrecy, deception and lies oxygenate the Affair. Disclosure to the betrayed spouse would suck the oxygen right out of the relationship.What possible motivation would an OM/OW have to run to the BS and confess all? None. Why puncture that Affair bubble? Everyone's having such a good time (with the notable exception of the betrayed spouse).

 

It's only after the Affair ends (and end they all do) when the dumped OM/OW gets an attack of integrity (or is that revenge?) and wants to confess all to the BS. By doing so, the dumped OW/OM does the right thing for the wrong reason after it's too late.

 

Isn't love grand.

[Lookingforward]

Okay, now blame the BS who knows and wants to keep the "status quo". Hey, if that's the arrangement of their marriage, then more power to them and let them celebrate their 50th year anniversary with more of the same. The H screws around, and the W indulges in shopping spree and massages from a cabana boy. It's called symbiotic relationship.

 

 

and that's something you call a marriage ? UGH!! and you call the OW/OM selfish rofl

 

Yeah, THAT'S worth having.........

[luvmy2ns]

It's only after the Affair ends (and end they all do) when the dumped OM/OW gets an attack of integrity (or is that revenge?) and wants to confess all to the BS.

 

Oooo, I can envision an OW attack in the making for THIS statement!

[Lookingforward]

Since selfishness goes hand in hand with greed I can't help but wonder how much incentive those marital assets and his earning power may have on an OW's desire and designs for the MM. If the union of the MM and OW were based strictly on the love they espoused for each other and the OW was willing to take him penniless and destitute while financially supporting him for the remainder of his days then more power to the new union. But that's not the real world though is it. If we're being being truthful you, the OW, want him to divorce his wife and take her for everthing she's got!

 

nope, in my case she was willing to let him go until he got a better position with much more $$, then suddenly she wanted him back, go figure huh ?

[Lookingforward]

Well I sure hope y'all feel better now. You come in here to the OM/OW forum and vent your bitterness, castigating all OW's in general for being selfish and not coming clean to the BS.

 

funny how that works isn't it ? Yet if we post anything back, WE get flagged for an infraction in our own forum.........go figure

[Lookingforward]

OMG! I almost couldn't BREATHE after I read this, I was laughing so! You would dare to label someone selfish who simply wants to know the truth of THEIR OWN EXISTENCE?! What hogwash.

 

Then that person should KNOW who the heck they're married to, shouldn't they ? Without outside assistance in being told the truth ?

[Owl]

While I am a firm believer that the "Truth will set you free", I also believe that if it's going cause more pain and sorrow then it's better to keep a tight lip.I came to conclude this when I was involved in an ea with mm neighbor.

 

But wouldn't you agree that it wasn't the "truth" that caused the pain and sorrow...it was the fact that you were involved with her H that caused it?

 

Its not the telling that's the source of the pain...it was the act of engaging in the affair.

 

Two seperate issues. Realizing which is the actual SOURCE of the hurt can help you see the real issues at stake.

 

Telling her isn't the cause of her hurt...being involved with her H was. Telling her just allows her to understand the situation more clearly. It actually frees her to make her own choices with more knowledge than she would have been able to do so without having been told.

 

Confusing telling the truth with hurting the person who was betrayed is a common "out" for people involved in an affair who wish to avoid the responsibility for their actions.

[luvmy2ns]

Then that person should KNOW who the heck they're married to, shouldn't they ? Without outside assistance in being told the truth ?

 

If we were all great at analyzing a sociopath's persona, there wouldn't have been any Ted Bundy victims, would there? People such as many cheaters are have a great knack for fooling everyone, including the OW. They are masters at the game. It would be a kindness for both the BS AND the OW to know who they're dealing with.

[pelicanpreacher]

I've been the OW twice.

In the first case I didn't tell because it would have been plain hypocrisy on my part. Since I ended the 'fling' (even if I had completely lost my head I can't really call it an "affair") and I got over him and over the experience (which took almost two years) I have considered actually telling his W.

The reasons why I didn't are:

- I am not sure she is not aware of what kind of person her H is. *all* of his friends know he is a cheating *******, and I do not think it would take his W a lot to find out about it if she *really* wanted to.

- I am scared of the consequences. Meaning that I'm not sure about how he'd react. He once jokingly threatened a friend of mine to "kick her ass" (which in my language sounds more like a physical threat than it does in english), and I think that he fact that he *could* harm a woman is a possibility.

 

In my current situation, I expect him to tell his W at one point that he is seeing another person.

He has already told her he is no longer in love with her, that their marriage is over and he's staying for the kids (assuming that he has not been feeding me lies) - I am not the reason why their marriage has been falling apart, even if i suspect I might be just an 'exit affair', which I guess only time will tell.

 

If either W were ever to contact me or ask me anything, I'm telling everything.

 

I empathize with your reason to protect youself from physical harm so on that note I can agree that it would be prudent to be careful under those circumstances. But as time has elapsed and he's moved on to other affairs I'd think you should be able to clue his wife anonymously that you had an affair with her husband and provide just enough details about him to verify to her that you know what you're talking about. After that, its on his W to take action and you'd be blameless about the outcome.

 

I think you're setting yourself up to be badly hurt though with the line your current MM is feeding you about the kids and his sham marriage. I think the pain many OW experience under these circumstance can be avoided by simply drawing a line in the sand and saying NO! ... Sh#T OR GET OFF THE POT! Call me when the divorce is final! You only have one life to live so please don't allow anyone to play with your life and time!

[OldMan]

The way I see it having sex with another persons spouse is in itself becoming intertwined in their life.

 

You're right, sort of. But not in the sense of having an actual relationship with the wife.

 

And exactly how intertwined do you want to be? What if wife has serious mental issues? What if MM is trying to deal with the situation as best and delicately as he can, moving his D along in the best way he knows... then you blow the whole thing open and she murder-suicides them and their kids?

 

"Oops, my bad."

 

I don't believe it is the OWs responsability to tell, but it is the good thing to do...

 

Okay, you've got some interesting sense of duty or something going on there.

 

I imagine myself in the wife's shoes. What if my wife were cheating on me? I'd have a lot of questions of course, same as anyone: "How long has this been going on?", "Do you love him?", "Are we getting divorced then?", "What about the kids?" etc.

 

It would be hard enough if she told me, but what if the other man told me? I'd feel shocked, humiliated, ashamed and confused. I'd want to speak to my wife about it, not him. No way. What would I say, or what could I learn from some guy I don't even know, and who I obviously have every reason not to trust?

 

So thinking of the effects, the consequences, I'd say that an OW might tell the wife if she really wanted to humiliate her -- stick the knife in and twist it. Make the whole disaster as painful and bitter as possible, probably breaking all the relationships (including with MM). Yeah, that makes sense.

 

Let's all hop on our moral high-horses and gallop around blurting the truth at everyone. By the way, you're fat (only kidding!).

[Meaplus3]

But wouldn't you agree that it wasn't the "truth" that caused the pain and sorrow...it was the fact that you were involved with her H that caused it?

 

Its not the telling that's the source of the pain...it was the act of engaging in the affair.

 

Two seperate issues. Realizing which is the actual SOURCE of the hurt can help you see the real issues at stake.

 

Telling her isn't the cause of her hurt...being involved with her H was. Telling her just allows her to understand the situation more clearly. It actually frees her to make her own choices with more knowledge than she would have been able to do so without having been told.

 

Confusing telling the truth with hurting the person who was betrayed is a common "out" for people involved in an affair who wish to avoid the responsibility for their actions.

 

 

Owl,

 

IMO, if I had told mm's wife it would have been from my view of the ea not mms. I believe that would have confused mms W more by having just my side of the story.

 

I also would tend to believe that if I had told her and she confronted her H, his view would have been very diff than mine leaving her even more of a wreck. My point is.. the cheater should be the ONE to tell the spouse. If the cheater honestly wants to save the marriage and regain trust then the cheater should tell the truth 100%.

 

 

AP:)

[luvmy2ns]

Owl,

 

IMO, if I had told mm's wife it would have been from my view of the ea not mms. I believe that would have confused mms W more by having just my side of the story.

 

I also would tend to believe that if I had told her and she confronted her H, his view would have been very diff than mine leaving her even more of a wreck. My point is.. the cheater should be the ONE to tell the spouse. If the cheater honestly wants to save the marriage and regain trust then the cheater should tell the truth 100%.

 

 

AP:)

 

I can certainly see how this could happen in your situation. There was never any sex, right? Just lots of flirting? Sorry if I have you confused with someone else, but I believe it was the next door neighbor, lots of flirting, but never anything physical. Not that it's okay to get into an EA either, but when someone is married to a person who is screwing someone else regularly, they have a right to know the person they are with is a dog, whether it be a MM or a MW. And not necessarily saying the OW/OM should tell the BS, but SOMEONE should for sure.

[pelicanpreacher]

nope, in my case she was willing to let him go until he got a better position with much more $$, then suddenly she wanted him back, go figure huh ?

 

Was his W in any way responsible for his rise through the ranks? Did she make sacrifices to her own dreams, needs, and wants to support him and his endeavors throughout the marriage? Does he have any responsibility to support his wife and her endeavors now that he's achieved success?

 

If not, then all women are there for his use and abuse and can be thrown away at his whim!

[Meaplus3]

I can certainly see how this could happen in your situation. There was never any sex, right? Just lots of flirting? Sorry if I have you confused with someone else, but I believe it was the next door neighbor, lots of flirting, but never anything physical. Not that it's okay to get into an EA either, but when someone is married to a person who is screwing someone else regularly, they have a right to know the person they are with is a dog, whether it be a MM or a MW. And not necessarily saying the OW/OM should tell the BS, but SOMEONE should for sure.

 

 

Luv, "Cheating" is "Cheating" period. I don't care if it's an ea or pa.. it's still a form of betrayl to the marriage.

 

AP:)

[Owl]

Owl,

 

IMO, if I had told mm's wife it would have been from my view of the ea not mms. I believe that would have confused mms W more by having just my side of the story.

 

I also would tend to believe that if I had told her and she confronted her H, his view would have been very diff than mine leaving her even more of a wreck. My point is.. the cheater should be the ONE to tell the spouse. If the cheater honestly wants to save the marriage and regain trust then the cheater should tell the truth 100%.

 

I see your point. I'd also like to make sure you realize that I didn't mean to single you out, either. I wanted to comment on what you said, but by no means felt that this was an "Answerplease" only thing or issue. None of this was meant as a personal attack. I just want to make sure that you know that.

 

Here's the thing. In your case, the TRUTH of what went on was undoubtedly somewhere between HIS view, YOUR view, and HER view. In order to get the truth, she needed all three views. ESPECIALLY since he was unlikely to admit to the affair on his own...so she was only left with HER view, and neither yours nor his.

 

I'd tend to agree, that the primary onus for telling should be on the WS. However, often they WON'T tell the truth...so that they can continue to avoid the responsibility for their actions. Or they'll LIE about what happened (how many OW have been thrown 'under the bus' around here by their MM???).

 

So at the end of the day...SOMEONE should tell the BS what really happened. Since the OW/OM had their part in it too, and ESPECIALLY if they were "friends" or acquaintences with the BS...they too should have a part in the revelation of what really went on.

 

If you were friends with your neighbor, don't you feel that you would have owed her the truth as her friend, regardless of anything else?

 

Again, I don't mean to pick on you...I'm using your situation to illustrate my point.

[pelicanpreacher]

nope, in my case she was willing to let him go until he got a better position with much more $$, then suddenly she wanted him back, go figure huh ?

 

Would you still want him if today's consequences for divorce for adultery resulting in him being penniless, destitute, and financially dependent upon you for the rest of his days?