Just a hiccup?

[Jolene]

As it relates to this incident, what is the general advice? For example, is divorce in order???

 

There was much debate about my husband's frequent babysitting of his sister's three young children. Finally, I gave up the argument and decided to support him for sake of his happiness and not emphasize that she is taking advantage of him. He was happy to see an end to that old discussion. That's fine.

 

Last Saturday the three kids came over at 4 p.m. (two yr old, four yr old and six yr old). I have a 9 yr old that plays with them when they visit. Anyway, my husband is not experienced with children (hence the debate), and so I do take the lead when the kids are in our house under our care. Otherwise, they are in the hands of an inexperienced individual who is trying to seem cooperative with his sister but not very good with kids, really. Just lacking in judgment, so I help a lot.

 

Anyway, Sunday morning after the breakfast and cleanup, the kids were fidgety so I suggested we take them for a walk to the park. My husband washed himself up and took the kids to the front of the house and told me to take my time getting finally ready (because I hadn't had time to take care of myself or even brush my teeth that morning). So, all went well until the point where I came out, helped put on their sunscreen and then was ready to motor. I took the double stroller and the two older kids and began to cross the street and get moving. My husband wanted to leave a short note for his sister in case she came to pick up the kids and I thought it would only take a minute and he'd be right behind us.

 

We walked the equivalent of about three blocks and finally my husband came up beside us with the car, asking me if I have **** for brains (all in front of the kids) and why didn't I wait for him? I came to the car and looked him straight in the eye and told him not to talk to me that way and especially in front of the kids. I walked back to the stroller and he called me a f-idiot, and told me to get back home.

 

So, I started going back home with the intention of leaving him to take his nieces to the park without my help. He met us on foot and of course began to tell me why I was wrong to not wait for him....I yelled at him and told him to never treat me this way, I didn't do anything and he can hire a lawyer and get it over with as far as I'm concerned....it turned into a fight in the quiet neighbourhood we just moved into.

 

A neighbour came from her backyard and stared at us with a hand on her hips an shaking her head. I moved the stroller forward but was humiliated. When we got home, he asked if we were going for a walk and I told him not on your life. He can look after his nieces without my help.

 

His nieces did not want to go with him.....but he forced the four year old to go with him, and she cried.

 

I guess he didn't get too far and then came back in the house and wanted to console me, apologize and talk about it.

 

It was a pivotal moment and a very frank discussion about the reality of divorce and what just happened and how abusive, corrosive and unnecessary it all was.

 

He was sincerely apologetic, but as the conversation went on, he looked for ways to make me at fault. Of course he provoked it, so I made sure he understood that. Anyway, how many people out there would take their kid and run run away from a man like this even if they just bought a house together and their son didn't want to leave necessarily????

 

Not sure how I can live with the unpredictability of an emotionally abusive man. He's not always abusive, just when the wind doesn't blow in his direction. And still, you never know when, how or even why as they justify the abuse and make it somehow your fault.

 

Help! Overreacting or is this grounds for a divorce???? Still don't understand what happened there.

[littlekitty]

Only you can decide if this is grounds for divorce or not. That is your decision alone to make.

 

You've only given us one example of his behaviour, which I agree is wrong, but it doesn't give us a rounded view of your relationship to be able to comment.

 

Are there happy moments in your marriage? You must have something to have kept you together for over 9 years?

 

Would you/he consider marriage counselling? Rather than just going straight for a divorce situation?

[Jolene]

Yes, there are happy moments. I am constantly struggling with whether or not to cut him free because of his controlling behaviour. I think he has a personality disorder and he won't see a counsellor.....he'd rather get a divorce. I used to wonder if he was just slow or maybe just has a huge ego, but he exhibits many characteristics of certain personality disorders like Borderline personality disorder, obsessive compulsive personality disorder, passive aggressive personality disorder.

 

Mainly, he is controlling and uses tactics such as gaslighting (denying the partner's reality and feelings, denying obvious facts and previous conversations are distorted to his liking when held accountable). He overreacts to small issues and uses punishing behaviours. He is not loud, but verbal abuse is on his repertoire....like when you are delivered an insult in such a way that it actually looks feels and tastes good.

 

This man is charming to everyone except his spouse.

 

So when the wind is blowing in his direction, we can all relax and there is happiness once again.

 

But I struggle all the time to decide whether or not to jump the ship because I can't be living in anticipation of his next episode. How bad will it get? How should I deal with it? Is it normal to have blowups no matter how heartwrenching it is?

 

I know marriage is work, but how much work does it really have to be?