Me, myself and I could care?

[Gunny376]

I'm a retired U. S. Marine Gunnery Sergeant.

 

I don't give a damn. I'm just crazy, simply happy to still be alive!

 

In if the Sun doesn't shine tomorrow! I'm just gratefull for what I had!

I could care less if I ever marry again.

 

I could care less if I ever married or shack up again? WTF?

 

My one problem in Life?

 

My DS and DD?

 

I had sixteen into the Corps when we divorced, and we needed to divorce.

 

She couldn't tote the note on being a miltary wife. And I agree that the hardesst job in the Marine Corps is being a Marine's Wife.

 

We got divorced, and I went to Camp Lejeune, and they sent my Happy

@sss everywhere. I deployed more in my last four years than the other sixteen years put togetherr!

 

Tne problem? I'm disconnected from my son and daughter.

 

The Corps demanded so much of me, mentailly,emotionallhy, spirtually, physically I had nothing left to give to anyone else!

 

There! I've said it!

[underpants]

Can you reconnect with them now?

[Gunny376]

I don't know how?

 

We're worlds apart they and I.

 

They're reality and mine are galaxies apart!

 

Not just miles and mles! But miles and miles apart!

[underpants]

How about writing them a letter and letting them know you would like to see them.

 

Take the first step. Try.

 

Just because you may view life differently doesn't mean there can't be an acceptance, mutual respect and love. They are your children.

 

Are they adults?

[MrFymie]

You were kind enough to answer my query earlier so let me try and shed some light on yours.

 

The biggest problem I have ever had with my daughter (16 years old) is when I have underestimated her ability to read a situation or hadle a situation with maturity. Children of all ages are usually far more perceptive and aware then we ever give them credit for. And that would include you too Gunny.

 

I suggest you start by being less marine and more dad. Try a simple email or letter for that personal touch, telling your chidren how you feel and why you felt you had to do what you did. Give them the benefit of the intelligence to understand your problem. Do not try to second guess what their reaction will be.

 

I further suggest that you do not place any demands on either of them. Allow the relationships to take a natural course rather then forcing any issues. This way you may eventually end up all wanting to meet each other again.

 

I note you say you are worlds apart from each other, and that may be the truth. But knowing that you should feel free to change your stance and to make adjustments whereby you bridge the gap a bit., Show them that you really want them in your life. Above all else have patience. Lots of it. I am sure you can win them over if you really try as I know blood is thicker than water.

 

I wish you the very best of luck, my daughter is the love of my life and I realise now that I would struggle not having her in my life.

[Gunny376]

It took me four tires too read your post, because of the tears! (Damned allergies! )

 

I can understand that the professional miltary life could be ~ would be hard on a woman.

 

I've been dragging this dead horse around for a long time! I did what I had to do, I sucked it up, and did what was best not for me, but for them.

 

I just need to vent!

[underpants]

I liked what Mrfymie said.

 

Allergies my arse...

 

It is okay tough guy.

 

You don't and should not have to be so tough, especially in the eyes of family.

 

Even a marine is human, even if they don't like to admit it. You should show some of that to those you trust.

 

Craft a letter and see where it takes you, even if a little emotion shows through. There is strength in vunerability as long as the aim is true.

[Gunny376]

I was fine being single and alone, until my DD laid my GS in my arms!

 

I feel like the chacther in the movie Major Payne ~ I just don't know how to deal with alot of this soft civilian stuff ~ and I'm not being a joke about it. I've had a really hard time re-adjusting to civilian life.

 

I realize I've been "intsionalized" and such. That, through twenty years of my training I've been "programed" to be a Marine.

 

And yea, when I meet the GS for the first time! I just melted!

[Missy27]

You are what you are Gunz. There aint a damn thing you can do about that.

 

I do appreciate where you're coming from. As you already know My Big Bro's in the Royal British Marines. Personally ~ I dont LIKE what he's become since he joined the marines ~ I'm being serious ~ I LOVE my brother ~ He's my big brother and he's my blood ~ but I dont LIKE him ~ He's changed ~ in a way that I cant really put my finger on ~ but he has changed. I dont really feel as though I KNOW him anymore. (Its rare for me to talk about this by the way ~ I'm the one that usually holds everyone else together ~) ~ He's SO angry all the time

 

~ I'm always damn scared to go out with him when he's home cause someone only gotta look at him the wrong way and he's off like a rocket ~ my old man had to hit him with an iron bar last time he was back ~ just to try and stop him cause he'd gone off on some poor guy ~ Dad hit him so hard with that bar ~ just trying to get stop him ~ and he just looked at my dad and said "is that all ya got" ~ unbelieveable. Never seen anything like it.

 

Anyway ~ there's loads more I could go into about my lovely brother ~ but my point is ~ my brother is who he is ~ he's seen things that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy ~ I never ask him about it ~ he never talks about it ~ but I know that some of those images must haunt him day in day out ~ He's got four beautiful boys ~ 8,7,4 & 2 ~ but he's lost touch with them because he cant seperate being a father and being a marine ~ it's really sad.

 

Gunny ~ at the end of the day ~ you did what you had to do ~ your old lady wanted a divorce ~ you couldn't change that ~ but you did YOUR BEST for your kids ~ when you divorced ~ you had to go into survival mode in more ways than one ~ YOU had to protect YOU ~ You had to protect your future benefits for yourself and for your children ~ YOU DID YOUR BEST AND YOU DID WHAT YOU HAD TO DO.

 

Your kids are now upstanding, moral, independant human beings are they not??? ~ The reason they are decent human being's isn't just down to mommy Gunz ~ daddy had a HUGE part to play in that too.

 

It is what it is gunny ~ you gotta make the most of it ~ at least you're ALLOWED to hold your GS in your arms ~ at least you got out alive so you CAN see him grow up ~ some didn't ~ as for your children ? ~ It is what it is. YOU DID YOUR BEST

[PWSX3]

Gunny you are a very strong man & you have given out some very good advice to people here & have helped out a lot.

 

Just like the others have said; start out with just explaining your situation & let your kids into your life by telling them why you did what you did. If you take the first step then maybe they will start walking from there side & you will end up meeting in the middle.

 

Remember it doesn't hurt to cry & show emotions & maybe sending an email or letter is an easy way to start. We are all human & deep down we really do care and really do have real feelings. I have to say since my separation I show my emotions a lot more then I used to. I grew up that guys didn't cry & you had to be tough, but that isn't true.

 

Don't expect things to happen overnight & don't expect miracles, but even baby steps means you are moving.

 

I work with a gal that hasn't talked much with one of her songs since her divorce & it really does bother her and she tells me about it all the time so I do understand.

 

I am very close to my folks & family & I wouldn't know what it would be like without family around me.

 

Have you thought of doing any type of counseling for this? Even if you could talk to them about how to go about it would be a help. I know you like to read books & maybe there are some good books out there that would help.

 

I know I have read a couple of Henry Cloud's books & even though they are more religious type I really like some of his stuff.

 

Good luck my friend, your grandkids need a grandpa in there lives.

[confuseddd]

What about counseling? I know it is hard for a marine to feel like he doesn't have all the answers, but maybe by taking that first step it would help you. I'm sure that would feel very foreign to you though!!!!

 

I respect you and am grateful to you as you have obviously served our country well. Now it's time to serve yourself well!

 

If you have seen that GS and your heart melted and you realize things aren't as they should be then reach out to your children and get counseling. Just do it!!!! Hang in there. So glad you are here and please keep us posted.

 

God Bless You!

[Melovator]

And yea, when I meet the GS for the first time! I just melted!

 

Did you tell your DD that? Its kind of a good place to start, mutual adoration of smallest family members.

 

I hadn't seen my dad in... 18 years, had talked on the phone occasionally and sent christmas and birthday cards, but I hadn't seen him until he and his gf came to visit when my son was six months old. Watching my dad with my son and seeing the joy he took in him was a turning point for me. I was able to see him not as my father who had left me when I was young but as my son's grandfather, someone with a role to play in my son's life. I was able to drop the wariness I felt at being around him again because my son was kind of a 'buffer', a mutual starting point to get to know each other again.

 

Conversations about my son, lead to conversations about other things and I got to know him as he is now, not as he was, or how my mother painted him to be (though I always took that with a grain of salt because my mother is psycho lol!). It took some time but I know my father loves my son and is important to him, and I know its important for my son to know his grandfather. Though I must admit to telling him off when he tries to get all 'dad' on me- "Hey! I'm 32, older than you were when you got divorced! I can take care of myself!"

 

hmmm I better go send the latest pictures of my beautiful boy to him now....

[Mz. Pixie]

Gunz-

 

Have you tried something simple like telling them you're sorry for whatever happened in the past and that you would like to form a new relationship going forward? That you feel that you've missed out on alot and that you don't want to make the same mistakes with the GS??

[Kasan]

I grew up hating my father Gunny--he was a military man and we were polar opposites.

 

But--people change and soften their rough edges.

 

You aren't the man that you were those years ago, and your kids will see this if you allow them to.

 

What is wrong with a phone call checking in with them say once a month? It will be awkward at first, but over time things will become easier as you share in their life--besides you have the common interest of the grandchildren.

 

You can reconnect!

[quankanne]

I was fine being single and alone, until my DD laid my GS in my arms!

 

YOUR DAUGHTER HAD A LITTLE GUNNY-SGT?!!!

 

congrats on being a granddaddy, Gunny, from what I'm told, grandkids are more fun than your own kids because you can love them and spoil them wholeheartedly, then give them back to their parents at the end of the day!

 

that said, maybe it's time to use this opportunity to reconnect with your family, lord knows that little kids are the best way to tap into your emotions because there's no guile or false movements on their end – they love you simply because they do, and it's so easy to give that back.

 

my daddy is a retired USAF SSGT, and I don't remember a whole lot of "I love you's" as a kid, though to be fair, he did spoil us even as he tried to whip his little troops into order! But the sweetest thing I've ever heard out of his mouth came recently, after 42 years of knowing him, when he told me he loved me, that he loved all of us (I'm one of six kids), and that just made me feel so good. Because I know how hard it is for him to connect that way. I guess when it comes down to base, we want to know that we are loved for ourselves, you know?

 

so my advice is to be honest about the love you've got for your kids, they're never too old to hear that their daddy loves them. Best of all, you can practice on the little gunny-sgt

[Confused9]

Gunny,

 

I am glad to be able to finally give you advice for once ).

 

As you know, I have no relationship with my father. He was out of my life when I was five and barely got to know me. We spent a few holiday's a year together and all I ever wanted was his love. When I saw him I would act differently, better, smile more, I tried to be perfect in his eyes and he never ever ever made me feel like I had done a thing right.

 

He would miss birthdays, he would yell at me and make me feel like less of a girl. The last couple of times we spoke he yelled at me called me every name in the book including the C word and was a complete jerk. Want to know why? Because, when I was 18 I got an eyebrow ring. He didn't approve of it and was upset. I said to him 'I am 18, I am an adult. I can do what I want now'. This is why he is mad. He is not mad at my sister for robbing someone with a gun for drugs. He is not mad at my brother for stealing a CC from someone and getting arrested. He is not mad at either of my siblins for being drug addicts.

 

I, graduated college, high school, etc. I asked him to co-sign a loan for me for college and he said no...so I had to do that on my own too. When I saw him last June, almost a year to the day actually. He ignorned me like he had no idea who I was. He hugged my two sisters and spoke to them and said NOTHNIG to me. He was talking about me to my sister and her boyfriend. Saying mean things and retelling the 'I am 18' story.

 

Regardless, if he were to reach out to me. Like, really wholeheartedly reach out. I would accept it. I love my dad and know that part of his meaness is guilt. I know that I make him sad becasue he didn't get to know me. I was the youngest and he wasn't even there when I was born. He had an affair and I never forgave him for that. I think he knows that. When I was planning my wedding I wanted to invite him but I reached out so many times and he never ever ever responded. If he did...it was cruel. But, still, if he reached out...I would totally start a relationship with him.

 

So...I think you should try. Do whatever you can. No matter what...they will forgive you. You are their father.

 

sorry to go in to such detail but I wanted you to get the picture that no matter what...big or small...they will forgive you.

[ilmw]

I was fine being single and alone, until my DD laid my GS in my arms!

 

I feel like the chacther in the movie Major Payne ~ I just don't know how to deal with alot of this soft civilian stuff ~ and I'm not being a joke about it. I've had a really hard time re-adjusting to civilian life.

 

I realize I've been "intsionalized" and such. That, through twenty years of my training I've been "programed" to be a Marine.

 

And yea, when I meet the GS for the first time! I just melted!

 

I hear yah bud!

 

I was no where near the length of time you were in the service.. I only did 7yrs.. But it took me years to adjust.. still the old ways slip in once and a while... always have to wear a watch... to know what time it is... if I don't .. I am a nervious wreck... ? I always have to be 5 mins early for anything... lol... and I still think "get a hair cut suzy" when ever I see a male with hair past his shoulders... I have been out of the service since 1991... eek.

 

I joined at the ripe ol age of 16... when my highschool buddies were going to bush parties.. trying to get laid.. I was crawling around the woods on the south coast of England.. trying not to get caught... or I would get f*#ked... (the played rought back then) not as warm and fuzzy as they are now.. lol

 

I too was "institutionalized"... Like a guy getting out of jail... even a few years can make a difference...

 

I'm much more lax now... can relax around that which is different... but I still going nuts.. like a blood hound when I smell pot... can't shake that pet peeve... lol (can smell that crap... yard away)

 

Did I get off topic? lol

 

Anywhooo... I know where you are coming from... and can only appreciate... the length of time it would take to transission to "Civvie Street) (British Term)

 

You will be good... man... You have a great head on your shoulders... and know... anything is possible (in time)

 

Reconnection is possible too... just takes time... and work... something you, I am sure are not a stranger too.

 

Take care Gunns

 

Ilmw

[tinktronik]

Gunny, I'm calling your bluff. As the divorced spouse of a SSgt. where he has the kids most of the year (until this year as he is in Iraq) . Also as nothing but a wife and mother for years until my D. That means I was broke when I came out of it , real broke financially , like $8 broke. I had to start over , I have to stay connected with kids who have a very different lifestyle than mine. I MADE sure I stayed connected , against opposition from my ex and his new W, even though there was no money for trips across the country , I made it happen , even though there was NO money to send for them and I was not ordered to send any , I made sure they got some money, even though months went by when Dad would not answer his phone , I made sure to keep calling until the phone was picked up on the other end, you have to do these things. I understand that life gets in the way , you have to keep everything going, you have work , and friends , and a life that does not have much to do with the kids when they are not in your face, but you HAVE to include them in everything regaurdless, even if only in thought.

You NEED to get beyond whatever it is that is making you feel disconnected from them and the only way to do that is contact, contact ,contact. They may not like this at first, but over time things get easier.

If you are not soft , don't be . Be who you are , it's the only Dad they got. Talk to them about what you are like

[Gunny376]

Thanks for the replies, and to clear something up, the DS is 23 and the DD is 28.

 

I've been back "home" since 95, and during that time my DS has only been to my house twice, and my DD has never been here.

 

As I said when the divorce went down I had sixteen years in the Corps and had just gotten back from the the First Gulf War, which I had gotten shippped to from Japan. That was the first disconnect, I was gone for , eighteen months, first to Japan and then to the Gulf.

 

When I got back I had thirty days leave and it took me a week to find the DW (STBXW) and my young children even though the XW comes from a large family. I spent the next three weeks with them.

 

Packed up and reported into Camp Lejeune.

 

That's where I made my second mistake. Instead of sucking it up and moving into the barracks for the next four years coming down home to see and be with my children, I rebounded into another LTR, which caused big problems with my then GF. That was the second disconnet.

 

By the time I got back home, they were in adolescent and accustomed to my not being around ~ third disconnet.

 

When the wife and I got divorced I having been the child of a divorce, tried to take on as much as I could of the negative, and so I gave the X everything from a 12 year marriage, took all the bills, (to include her car payment) and gave her child support and the tax deductions.

 

There's more ~ lots more ~ but that's not the issue, the issue is reconnecting with and in their lives.

 

I really don't believe I have anything to be forgiven for, other than I could have done this, should have done that. I wasn't the one that cheated, I've only been married once, to the wife being on marriage No.#3 with the guy that cheated on my me ~ well one of them anyway. In all of their lives they only been spanked by me once a piece. I've never have yelled at them, nor been mean to them, nor callled them names other than loving pet names.

 

To be honest, since I've been out here in civilian la~la land, a lot of civilian types that have never had any experience with military types, don't know how to take me and deal with me. Most think I quite a charcther, never having been around a carrer Marine. I get along with best with prior and retired military.

 

I don't want to be intursive in their adult lives, nor necessarly tell them how they should live their lives, although I did have a one-on-one with my son when he graduated and explained somethings about life, carrers, jobs, money, finances, when he graduated from HS.

 

I've offered to pay the tutition for both of them to go to school beyond high school, and have even offered to pay the tuition for the GS to go to a private school, (Alabama ranks in the bottom five when it comes to public education with a 45 to 50% HS drop out rate.)

 

I never was a hard corps type in raising my children. They were taught self control and discipline from the beginning of their lives. For example I would never pick up after them, clean their rooms, make their beds etc, but I would stand in the doorway and given them "by-the-numbers" instructions as to how to do so. (It would have been quicker and easier to just have done it myself.) and to make sure that the clothes they were going to wear the next day for school was out, hanging and ready to go before they went to bed. (In case we woke up late, or was running late). Homework came before going out to play after school, and I would personally go over it, even if I got home after they were in bed.

 

Both of them knew how to swim by the time they were two-three through a program the Marine Corps offered to dependents, and now they could both swim in high seas if need be. (The wife wouldn't take them, so I took leave/vaction for a week. I was the only father among the group of mothers and their toddlers)

 

I didn't seek custody, because I was a carrer Marine. I wanted to give them the most stable life I could and I wanted them to have each other a best of friends along with their half sister for the rest of their lives. In short, I wanted them to have the best life they could.

 

But they don't see nor do they understand the hardship that I've had to endure. And nor am I going to get up at the break of day and crow about it.

 

When I was paying bookoo bucks in child supprt, and the XW and DHX3 were getting the tax deductions, the XW was trading for new cars every two or three years ~ while I was working two jobs and drving used junk.

 

None of that matters, what matters is how to I reconnect with my children and their lives in a non-intrusive way?

 

I'm a fairly educated (both formally and informally) type individual that knows a lot about a lot of things. Most people that know me, if given only word to describe me would use the word "intellegent"

 

I've gotten my Life fairly squared away, I'm not where I want to be in life yet, but I'm working on it. I've got most of what I want and need. The one thing ~ the one area of my life I could use some help on and with is re-connecting and re-engaging in my children's lives.

[tinktronik]

Start to write them letters . These letters can be about anything. It's the surest way . Don't expect anything in return, just send them and see how this goes.

I grew up almost completely without my Dad , at 24 we started to talk and then talked again. He never judged or told me how to live my life. We don't discuss my mother or the problems they had. He let me know I was always welcome. Then one day he started to tell me he loved me and almost 5 years later we are very good friends and talk on the phone daily.We just took it real slow.

[Trialbyfire]

I was fine being single and alone, until my DD laid my GS in my arms!

 

Wow! Congrats and ((hugs)) Gunny!

 

Pick up the phone soldier and start talking. Talk like you do on LS, where you've helped so many members through the infidelity/divorce process.

 

You're a good man. Your GS needs to learn how to drop and do ten, from someone who knows how.

[Gunny376]

Thanks tinktronik.

 

I tried e-mail, but apprantely my DD doesn't know how to type, and my DS doesn't either, and only the DD is into e-mailing stuff that others have forwarded to her about JHC and Angles.

 

My DD got a tatto, not just a tatto, but what is termed a "porn-star" tatto. (On the lower back-side, above the buttocks) I HATE tattos, especially that kind ~ but I never said a thing about it, and never will. Its her Life. When she showed it to me, I just said, "Nice artwork, whose the artist that did it?"

 

I personally don't care for tattos, let alone on women ~ but "Hey! Who am I to judge? If that's your thing! Go for it!" Just not for me!

 

I'm not trying to judge them and they're choices, (although I will come down hard on certain choices, drugs, gambling, porn, alcohol) and I'm not about giving un-solicitated advice, (although I've got a lot of life experience and could save them a lot of grief if they would just listen)

 

Thanks for your post ~ it helped a lot!

[Gunny376]

Wow! Congrats and ((hugs)) Gunny!

 

Pick up the phone soldier and start talking. Talk like you do on LS, where you've helped so many members through the infidelity/divorce process.

 

You're a good man. Your GS needs to learn how to drop and do ten, from someone who knows how.

 

Any and all soliders wish they were Marines,

 

But no Marine ever wished he was a solider!

 

Soilders are trained for one thing and one thing only. That for which they are trained to do. Thus Army cooks ~ cook. Army helicopter mechanices fix helipcopters. Army supply clerks ~ supply.

 

Marine cooks are taught, and trained to fight in close arms combat, hand to hand combat, martial arts, marksmenship, etc. They're required to go through this training annually. Marine cooks are required to know how to dress a field wound, bandage a wound, engage and encounter. They're annually tested to quailfiy with the M-16-A2 rifle, 9mm pistol, the SAW, know how throw a gernade, the T/O weapon for most Marine cooks is the Mark19 Automatic Gernade Launcher.

 

They can cook you an omelet, but most Marine cooks know how to kill you as well.

 

A buddy of mine after 9/11 went into the Army National Guard. He having been a former Marine move up fairly quickly. He went to Army Ranager School. During the indoc, the instructor told him, "If you find yourself in a foxhole with regular Army Mechinazied ~ Shoot Him! He'll get your @ss killed! If you find yourself in a foxhole with a Marine cook, ask him which way to shoot!

[Trialbyfire]

*drops and does 100, for major faux pas, then begs for forgiveness*

 

Marine...Sir!

[Gunny376]

And Thanks Trial!

 

I really need to quit being such a hard-ass!