Need some !

[summer101]

My boyfriend and I have known each other for almost 9 years. We started dating when I was 16 and he was 18. I am now 24 and he is 26. During our years together we have had some very rough times. But always managed to work things out. We haven't been dating the entire 9 years time, as we have taken breaks to pursue dating other people, and there have been two times when we have been apart physically, once when he moved away for college ( I was a year behind him in school) and once again when he graduated and moved back to our hometown (while I was still in college.)

 

In the times when we have been broken up, we have both pursued dating other people. (He pursued a bit more than I did). But in the end, in his words too, we have ALWAYS found our way back to each other. Even when we weren't together, we have always maintained contact, and in the past 9 years I truly don't believe there has been a period of more than 4 or 5 days when we haven't talked.

 

When I met this guy when I was 16, even though he was my first real boyfriend, in my mind I knew there was something very special about him. I truly believed (and I still believe) he is the person I am meant to spend the rest of my life with. I do believe in fate.

 

Our relationship now is better than its ever been, in my opinion and I believe he feels this way too. My only complaint is that we do not spend enough time together, however we do live about 45 minutes away from each other, and he has a very demanding job which requires him to work 10 hour days sometimes 6 days a week. His schedule is contantly changing (every month!) and I am busy myself working and up until a month ago acquiring a master's degree full time which left us only the weekends (sometimes only one weekend day) to spend together. However, we do have constant communication as we talk on the phone everyday.

 

I have been accepted to my dream school for a PhD program that I am completely passionate about. My program of interest is overwhelmingly competitive and this school was my number one choice. It is however, 10 hours away from where we currently live. He knows this is my dream and is completely supportive, 100 percent. I am leaving in less that 2 months but yet, for some reason, I cannot bring myself to talk about where our relationship is headed. Everytime I try to bring it up, I break down in tears. I'm fearful I suppose. Moving halfway across the country on my own, and my overwhelming fear and concern that this may be the end of our relationship.

 

The one and only real conversation we have had about me moving ended in a huge argument. He often has trouble speaking about his feelings, and sometimes I think I push too far. I started out by asking him about what the future holds, telling him that I wanted to stay together, be exclusive. His response surprised me. He claims we just need to see where things go. He claims it's going to be so difficult for him because he's always going to be worrying what I'm doing or who I'm with. So it will be easier to just leave it more casual. (My words, not his.) My reaction and what I said to him was that if we go into this situation not fully committed, then I believe things will only go downhill. He says he is not interested in dating other people, but feels like having this formal title while in a LDR is pointless.

 

I can't help but feel completely offended by this. How can he say that it is pointless? My view is that you have to start out by establishing rules, boundaries, and exactly what the relationship entails, or else we both will end up doing whatever we want, with no regard for the other person. I told him by saying he wants to see where things go, to me it feels like he is starting out by being pessimistic about the whole situation. Anyway, this whole talk blew up into a fight, and he literally stormed out on me. (I have never seen him this upset or angry.

 

Now I'm scared to even bring it up again, and I also want to enjoy our 2 months we do have together. But I can't help but be hurt by his thoughts about the situation. Should I bring it up again, or let things go? Advice?

[rachel90]

im sorry to hear about this.

i think i can relate though. im currently in england finishing high school, i graduate this summer. my boyfriend is in the states. we want to be together forever and get married.

but i wanted to be a doctor, however its 7yrs of study here and i dont think we can be apart for 7 years. i have now decided to do a 4yr pharmacology degree and feel completely happy doing so but only because i know this is whats right for me now.

it sounds like this PhD program is just right for you now, you didnt say how long you would be away on this program?

i think unless he brings it up again it would be best to let it go, it seems like your boyfriend really loves you and thats why he's so upset, maybe to him if its more casual then if anything does go wrong it wont hurt as much?

i think all you can do is reassure you love him and want to be with him. maybe encourage him to write down his feelings?

 

i think at first it will be hard for you but i think also that once you guys find a routine that works for you it can be done. you just both need to be willing!

i really hope this all works out for you because i love happy endings!

best wishes

xx