need to save my marriage

[allthingsarepossible]

I have made a few posts here and think it is time to share my story. Married ten years a son (4) and a step-daughter (13) that I never once regretted making her my daughter.

 

Our first year of marriage was awful to the point where I moved out just after our first year anniversary. While we both made mistakes that first year I feel now that I was mostly at fault. I was immature, selfish, and needy. We were separated for about 18 months and during that time I went through the full range of emotions from anger to finally coming to peace with life and finding God.

 

One day out of the blue she calls and says she wants to work at it and I agree (that was the best day of my life!). We probably rushed back into it but we were both felt it was the right thing. After my son was born things started to get bad. I was having issues at work and with my mother and I took it out on my wife. Not in a physical way but in an emotional way where I was 100% miserable. I did not realize it when it was happening but as I look back now I can see it how I hurt her.

 

About two years ago she started to go out a lot with her friends and met some new ones. At first I was happy to see her get out thinking it would help our marriage. She started to grow a strong friendship with this one girl who I had never met. As time went on this new friend and my wife became closer and closer to the point where they were talking several times a day. Meanwhile our marriage just got worse and worse. A few months back I looked at the cell phone bill and saw the number and did not want to call it to see if a female answered the phone. But last night it got the better of me and I called and the voice mail was that of a guy. My heart sunk and I was shacking with fear. When my wife came home I questioned her and told her that I don’t care what happen and am willing to work through it. She told me that it was the girl’s boyfriend’s phone and that was why there was a male on the voice mail. She was very angry that I was checking up on her to the point that I think she is done with the marriage and will never trust me again.

 

We talked all night about everything and really came to no conclusions. She doesn’t want to go to counseling or definitely end it. She is not willing to make any rash decisions and needs time to think.

 

I don’t know what to do. I want to believe her about the phone but am not sure and I feel guilty about spying on her. I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t want my marriage to end and love my wife but she sees me as this miserable manipulative monster. I need help and don’t know where to go from here. Please help?

[jmargel]

The amount of time she is spending with this 'gf' is time she is taking away from you. If she's not willing to work on it, then there's not much you can do. If you don't believe this was the gf's bf, then I would install a keylogger on your computer, and call periodically from different phones to see who answers.

 

You might also have to hire a PI. You can also put a voice-activated recorder in the back pocket of the front seat of your car to catch what is being said.

 

Alot of cheaters get defensive when stuff like this happens, so it is a red flag. They will shift the blame to you and use 'blanket statements' on what is wrong with you and the relationship. They won't go into details but brief, insulting statements. I know, because I went through it myself. I went through the range of emotions with my wife at the time, but what made it all stop was when I wanted her out of the house, that I wanted resolution and demanded it. I finally showed myself the respect I deserved and it really changed things around.

 

If you roll over and piddle on yourself, she'll walk all over you. If you try to get respect through the use of fear or being mean then you push her further away. Live in a confidence that you will find the right woman if she is not. Let her know that you will not be dragged through the mud and that you want these problems sorted out now. Let her know that you believe counseling is the best choice and encourage her to come along. Set up an appointment.

[allthingsarepossible]

Thanks for the input. Anyone one else please

[TrustInYourself]

What do you want to do?

[allthingsarepossible]

What do you want to do?

 

 

I guess I left that out. I want to restore my marriage.

[Ronni_W]

I was immature, selfish, and needy.

I was having issues at work and with my mother and I took it out on my wife. Not in a physical way but in an emotional way where I was 100% miserable. I did not realize it when it was happening but as I look back now I can see it how I hurt her.

I don’t want my marriage to end and love my wife but she sees me as this miserable manipulative monster.

Possibly the thing for you to do is work to change her perspective of you. Her perspective of you comes from you, from how you talk and act -- she may not be 100% accurate but even if only 25% accurate, it's still more than enough to make her question whether or not that is what she wants to settle for, for the rest of her life.

 

Kind of a time for you to get totally honest with yourself, about yourself: Are you totally managing your immaturity, selfishness and neediness? Have you stopped letting external pressures like work and mom influence how you treat your wife? What are you going to do to ensure that, next time, you openly communicate your concerns and anxieties -- instead of resorting to spying?

 

She is in a period of indecision but that doesn't mean that you cannot be doing your own personal therapy and gaining self-awareness in the meantime. You don't need her to be doing anything, for you to start doing something.

 

I know how it feels to get to the point where one just is tired of all the BS. Once there, it is hard to want to do couples' or inidividual counseling. It is like, "Hey, Bud...your freakin' turn to do something."

 

Maybe that's where she is. Maybe she just really needs to see a concerted effort on your part.

 

Two years ago she needed some social stimulation, and it sounds as if you may have been as happy for her to go someplace else to get that need of hers fulfilled...instead of realizing that it was a good time for the TWO OF YOU to start re-energizing your relationship.

 

Why not ask if she'd like to go for coffee or dinner or a weekend away? (Even if she says 'no', your gesture will get into her subconscious.) And one attempt will not be enough -- it doesn't really show your willingness and interest in a way that she may be needing -- it's been a LONG time, and you may need to do A LOT for her to now see that you are serious about being a full, 100% participant in the relationship and that you seriously are committed to helping her fulfill her needs for friendship, companionship, etc. -- ask her what she needs, and see what you can do about showing an interest.

 

Best of luck.

[jon01]

If you really love her and you really want to save your marriage, the only thing you can do at this point is to try to 'win her back'. Buy her chocolates, flowers, take her for dinner, even a trip.. just do more "stuff" for her. Tell her how beautiful she is, etc.

 

I know it sounds like a lot of work, but if she is spending a lot of time with friends and or another guy, then at some point you lost her. The good thing is you are still safe because you are living together. Once she moves out because of this, then forget about it.

 

So, try not to get upset or confront her about this stuff. Just monitor the situation, and try to win her back (if that's what you really want). The one thing which will make it challenging is if she does not own up to what she did and doesn't give you any sincere apology or show remorse over time. You will have to be strong on that, and it all depends on how much you want to be with her.