The inevitable decision - to move?

[Befuzzed]

Hi everyone! I'm new to these boards, but not to my LDR - I've been with my guy for 2 years now and am still madly in love:love:

 

The thing is, I've had enough of not being around him. He's awesome and fun, attractive, hard-working, and always makes me feel loved and wanted, even from far away. He's an artsy type, has a lot of school left and plans to study abroad, and will probably have to fight to get a job when he's done.

 

We share the artsy thing, but I chose to leave it as a hobby and am working towards a career in health care. I get a little jealous of all the cool things he gets to do school and job-wise, but it's been getting worse lately because it keeps him from visiting me. I know they are important for him, and I get excited for the opportunities he has, but it makes me lose hope for the relationship because I'm afraid he'll always choose his profession over me. I like what I'm doing, but it's not as exciting as his program and I feel a little left out of his life even though he is wonderful at letting me know what is going on with him.

 

In a year or two I'll be done school and don't have any major plans, although I do have a lot of options. We've talked about me moving to be with him, and I've been honest that I'm a bit afraid to move to another country where I don't know the language and don't know anyone but him (I've been in this situation before and moved home after a year), and would probably need his emotional support. He never brings the topic up, and believes that because we're in love we'll work it out somehow, sometime, and that he would wait for me for as long as he needs to. I don't think I'll ever end up near him unless we make a consious decision to do so, and we've discussed both of our viewpoints.

 

He's such a sweet, caring guy, and says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I love him enormously, and would just like to live near him! I have given up a couple of career-enhancing opportunities for less exciting opportunities that would allow us to see each other. I am willing to move to be with him, but I feel like it's a big sacrifice for me (to leave my life here) and I can't do it this time if it's a sacrifice instead of a compromise. I get the feeling that he subconsciously thinks I'd just follow him wherever his career takes him, and doesn't consider how I would be affected by it. He admits that he's afraid that I might change my life to be with him, because he's never been in a relationship that's been strong enough to reach that point. I think he's reluctant to influence my decision, and so just doesn't talk to me about it, but his resolution to do what he wants in pursuit of this artistic goal (he's admitted his plans may change and anything could happen) never waver. I know he wants me there, but it sounds like it would be on his terms.

 

I feel guilty for a few things, and I guess my big question is whether I'm being unreasonable, or if there's something I'm not doing that would help us get on the same page. I feel guilty for:

1. Wanting enough of a commitment that we would both change our lives to be together

2. My jealousy at his opportunies, especially when they keep him away from me longer

3. Being preoccupied by something that's still a year or two in the future

 

Thoughts?

[kizik]

Yes, I have thoughts, but you're not going to like them.

 

I'll never do an LDR again, because without seeing that person, all you've got is hours on the phone, and you run out of things to say, and you amplify every little thing into a huge deal.

 

NOW- you say you're happy - great - but I definitely sense an undercurrent of denial from you about the status of your relationship. You say repeatedly how sweet and caring he is. I'm sure he's great, but you've idealized him. That's never good.

 

<I get the feeling that he subconsciously thinks I'd just follow him wherever his career takes him, and doesn't consider how I would be affected by it.....I know he wants me there, but it sounds like it would be on his terms.>

 

To me, that sounds like a huge, arrogant prick. I think you're in denial about the fact that you don't feel loved. And that's awful, and I've been there.

 

How long are you going to wait around for him? To have a long distance boyfriend keep your goals at bay? To compromise yourself? Love is never enough of an excuse. You need to move on with your life and ditch this artsy dude.

 

When all you have is future plans, your present life remains stagnant.

[Lucky_One]

I think a career in health-care is pretty "suitcase easy", meaning you can get a job in nearly every place, if you meet that area's requirements for education. It sounds like his job would far more difficult to fill.

 

I think you both sound young. Personally, I would pick up a copy of Rosetta Stone in whatever language and learn it. Then I would go where he is, get a job, and take advantage of an opporunity that a bunch of people would kill for. WITH the understanding that the next move (after his schooling is complete) is decided upon by you both, taking all opinions into consideration.

[Magpies]

kizik, sorry, but I think you sound really jaded. Just because it didnt work out for you doesnt mean its the same for everyone else.

 

Befuzzed, I enjoyed reading your post. You seem very articulate and thoughtful. As for my advice - Ill concentrate my response on #3: I think you're both young and in love and for now, shouldnt think about moving since its still another year or 2 until youre both truly able to do it.

 

I dont mean for this to sound negative, but since youre both still in school, its best to just wait it out and see. I think its also best for you to stop sacrificing too much for him.

 

Turning down positions, etc just to have more time with him is not a good foundation for a relationship. You will eventually despise him for it. Try not to do it! Think of it this way --- in 2 years, you want to be in the best position possible if you still want to live together (whether its him or you that move).