NewSunrise Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 So here's the new thread, a birth from the "Why not tell the Wife?" To OWs, XOWs, if you swapped shoes with the unsuspecting BW, would you want to know that the truth about your cheating H? Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Yes, absolutely. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 So here's the new thread, a birth from the "Why not tell the Wife?" To OWs, XOWs, if you swapped shoes with the unsuspecting BW, would you want to know that the truth about your cheating H? Yes, I would want to know, absolutely. And I'd welcome hearing it from the OW. In fact I'd rather hear it from her than from an interfering (well-meaning) third party, which I feel would actually humiliate me more. However, given what I've said over on the other thread. No, I wouldn't expect the OW to tell me. I fully realise that she'd been in a relationship with my H, and that she owed any allegiance to him (however misguided). Actually I'd think less of her if she told me, because it would demonstrate she wasn't even able to be 'true' (sorry, it's almost choking me to type that one) to him, and put her own desires for exposure, revenge, or whatever above everything else. HOWEVER, if my H was a complete asshat then I wouldn't blame her one bit for wanting to show him up for what he was so many variables! And once I found out, I'd kick his cheating bottom to the kerb, as the saying goes. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 So here's the new thread, a birth from the "Why not tell the Wife?" To OWs, XOWs, if you swapped shoes with the unsuspecting BW, would you want to know that the truth about your cheating H? Yes I would want to know. I'd want to know the whole truth from my cheating H. If the OW per say were to confront me, I'd listen but I would not give a whole lot of merit to what is said. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Yes I would want to know. I'd want to know the whole truth from my cheating H. If the OW per say were to confront me, I'd listen but I would not give a whole lot of merit to what is said. AP:) I think that's a fair point. I think that if an OW comes to a BW to inform them of the situation, there have to be a lot of questions in the BW's mind about motivation. What is the OW expecting to happen? LIke in my case, I wasn't about to tell the W so she could know what her H was like... I was going to tell her SO he had to be honest with her, and SO that all the waiting and wondering would be over for me. It would have been completely self-serving. That said, she was going to get the whole story, had I had chance to tell it. I wonder how many of those who are going to say they would want to know about their H's affair from the OW, are those who would be keen to kick him out (as I would be)... how many would want to try to reconcile? IF you heard it from an OP, wouldn't it more likely lead to divorce, since your H hadn't come clean with you but left it to some other person I wonder how common it is that the OW tells the W..? I have to think it's not common at all, just because of all the reasons why NOT to tell. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 I think that's a fair point. I think that if an OW comes to a BW to inform them of the situation, there have to be a lot of questions in the BW's mind about motivation. What is the OW expecting to happen? LIke in my case, I wasn't about to tell the W so she could know what her H was like... I was going to tell her SO he had to be honest with her, and SO that all the waiting and wondering would be over for me. It would have been completely self-serving. That said, she was going to get the whole story, had I had chance to tell it. I wonder how many of those who are going to say they would want to know about their H's affair from the OW, are those who would be keen to kick him out (as I would be)... how many would want to try to reconcile? IF you heard it from an OP, wouldn't it more likely lead to divorce, since your H hadn't come clean with you but left it to some other person I wonder how common it is that the OW tells the W..? I have to think it's not common at all, just because of all the reasons why NOT to tell. I wonder just how common it is too?? The reason why I would not place a whole lot of merit.. on the OW's words..is simply because I would have a hard time believing that this OW would be telling me this information for my own good. After all if this person was having any sort of an affair with my h, then it would be clear to me that she had NO regard or genuine concearns for my feelings to begin with. I believe it would be out of pure "Spite".. thus making it hard for me to believe that what the OW has to say is even close to the truth. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 So here's the new thread, a birth from the "Why not tell the Wife?" To OWs, XOWs, if you swapped shoes with the unsuspecting BW, would you want to know that the truth about your cheating H? As I responded on the other thread - the question does not imply in my case. I have no demand for, nor expectation of, sexual fidelity, so there is nothing to "betray". Link to post Share on other sites
Can'tGiveUp Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Yes I would want to know. I'd want to know the whole truth from my cheating H. If the OW per say were to confront me, I'd listen but I would not give a whole lot of merit to what is said. AP:) I wonder if that would be true if you had that "feeling" something wasn't right in your M? If you had suspicions, then maybe you would give more merit to what she was saying. If it came out of the blue, at a time when you felt you were in a stable, loving M, then I could see how you would question the validity of the information. I know that if I ever told the BS (which I never would, no matter how angry I was with him), she would believe me. She knew we had a R when they were separated, and accused him of an A with me after she ran into me quite some time after they reconciled. As for myself, I'd want to know, though I don't think the ideal source would be the OW. Not sure why, other than I think it might put me into a competitive mind set - I know, petty of me - sort of a cut your nose off to spite your face reaction. Not having encountered this situation, my initial response would be to kick him out, too. Link to post Share on other sites
26point2 Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Yes I would want to know. I think most people (in a monogamous relationship with a promise of commitment) would want to know. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Owoman, I've posted a question to you on the other thread. What about EMOTIONAL infidelity? Feel free to respond there if you'd like. Link to post Share on other sites
twice_shy Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 So here's the new thread, a birth from the "Why not tell the Wife?" To OWs, XOWs, if you swapped shoes with the unsuspecting BW, would you want to know that the truth about your cheating H? I was a BH and definitely would have wanted people to step up to the plate and tell me that I was married to a cheating scumbag. It could have saved years off my life. I am not too happy with the people that kept their mouths shut. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 I honestly don't see why the BS would believe it from an OW/OM anyway. I'd have to question the motives for telling, for one (especially if the OP thought I was blissfully UNaware). Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 While I might question their motives for telling me, I'd also be asking myself why would they be LYING to me? I'd be asking what would they gain by lying to me, and what would they gain by telling me the truth. Heck, I'd ask THEM that too. Odds are, if the OW/OM told the BS about the affair, I think they'd be honest. Their motives might be suspect (they may hope the BS 'gives up' and they get the WS by default, or whatever)...but if they're admitting to something, its probably got a good amount of truth in it. Why would they make something like that up? If I suspected their motives enough to doubt the truth, I'd probably not say anything to anyone...but then seek out the proof one way or another. Either way, the truth then comes out. Even if the BS doesn't believe, it should still trigger them to find out the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 While I might question their motives for telling me, I'd also be asking myself why would they be LYING to me? I'd be asking what would they gain by lying to me, and what would they gain by telling me the truth. Heck, I'd ask THEM that too. Odds are, if the OW/OM told the BS about the affair, I think they'd be honest. Their motives might be suspect (they may hope the BS 'gives up' and they get the WS by default, or whatever)...but if they're admitting to something, its probably got a good amount of truth in it. Why would they make something like that up? If I suspected their motives enough to doubt the truth, I'd probably not say anything to anyone...but then seek out the proof one way or another. Either way, the truth then comes out. Even if the BS doesn't believe, it should still trigger them to find out the truth. Either way it wouldn't matter, once I found out what I was told was the truth (or as close to it as I was going to get) he'd be out on his ear anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Love4Eternity Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Being the mw and also the ow, I would only want to know if I had a good marriage and thought that we were still going strong, and I would want to either hear it from my husband or bust his ass on my own (doing my own detective work). If we were together just for the sake of our family, then I dont need to know, just keep handing your check over to me and be gone..ok let the bashing begin but this is how i feel I have busted my husband so many times lying to me and to be honest with some of them lies i would have done just fine not knowing about them because what I do know has already killed the trust i have in him...and he knows just a tad about my affair but it doesnt seem to matter as long as he is happy and he has his family... Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewSunrise Posted June 11, 2008 Author Share Posted June 11, 2008 While I might question their motives for telling me, I'd also be asking myself why would they be LYING to me? I'd be asking what would they gain by lying to me, and what would they gain by telling me the truth. Heck, I'd ask THEM that too. Odds are, if the OW/OM told the BS about the affair, I think they'd be honest. Their motives might be suspect (they may hope the BS 'gives up' and they get the WS by default, or whatever)...but if they're admitting to something, its probably got a good amount of truth in it. Why would they make something like that up? If I suspected their motives enough to doubt the truth, I'd probably not say anything to anyone...but then seek out the proof one way or another. Either way, the truth then comes out. Even if the BS doesn't believe, it should still trigger them to find out the truth. You, twice_shy and I think alike when it comes to "truth" no matter how it is delivered and by whom. Once the truth is out however perceived by the BS, it will be up to the BS to look nto it. It would be in the BS and the M's best interest for the BS to dig deeper. This concept, it seems, is one that many of the posters have yet visualize and take into account. It's easier to justify their position as the OP, quite the opposite when the situation is reversed. Most affairers enter into an affair with one goal in mind. After the "it just happened" rationalization, the goal is the end reward. For most OPs they want the WS to leave the BS to fulfill the "forever" fantasy. The end result of such congnition is you have OPs waiting in the wings, some half their lifetime, and others an entire lifetime. There are some who walk away because the WS have not met their time guidelines to D their BS. A blessing in disguise in itself for these OPs, realized only after the fact and within their own recovery from the A. And then there are those who are just in it for pure satisfaction, sex, financial, material, otherwise. Whatever the reasons, these are the "end reward" for the OPs. The end reward for the BS are none. Those who stay to rebuild the M are awarded the emotional devastation of betrayal and trust. The OPs chalk it up to experience. Sure, OPs will rationalize the M was dead and doomed to begin with before they came along into the picture. The flipside is most BS do not. If they knew, their reaction would be as many of you OPs (former included) have posted, they'd be kicked to the curb. Here lies the double standard hypocisy that OWL said it well. Though not surprised by redundancy of responses who continue to justify their position of being the OP. Interestingly, however how many OPs if the situation were reversed, and many who find themselves as former OPs, in restrospect, they would want to know the truth however it is delivered. OWoman, I'm beginning to learn more about you from these two threads. Link to post Share on other sites
twice_shy Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 I have busted my husband so many times lying to me and to be honest with some of them lies i would have done just fine not knowing about them because what I do know has already killed the trust i have in him...and he knows just a tad about my affair but it doesnt seem to matter as long as he is happy and he has his family... Seems trust on both sides should be busted. You say your trust in him is busted. Is this why you chose to cheat? Link to post Share on other sites
Love4Eternity Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Seems trust on both sides should be busted. You say your trust in him is busted. Is this why you chose to cheat? I NEVER lied to him till I cheated on him and he never found out till i told him after a fight we had because once again he lied to me .. he knows my feelings for this other man and he knows my feelings about him and our marriage. He doesnt care as long as he is happy and he has his family. I cheated on him because I felt disconnected to him i love him but i felt we were missing pieces in our marriage that we needed to make it strong like trust on both sides for one and passion and so on...Im not blaming him for my affair and im not trying to justify it, it happened, its over and I refuse to beat myself up over it..but he still lies to me and he doesnt seem to care one way or the other as long as he is happy...and some of the lies are just petty bs i will never understand why he does it but he does and i catch him every time ... why dont i leave, because we have a family i try and have been trying to make it right but if he continues to lie he knows now that i just dont give a hoot anymore and will just keep taking care of my kids, my home and myself... Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 As I responded on the other thread - the question does not imply in my case. I have no demand for, nor expectation of, sexual fidelity, so there is nothing to "betray". What if he's given his heart and soul to another woman as well?! Link to post Share on other sites
twice_shy Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 I NEVER lied to him till I cheated on him Oh well, glad you cleared that up. That makes it all better now doesn't it? and he never found out till i told him after a fight we had because once again he lied to me So you are both liars. But you are now a liar AND a cheater. .. he knows my feelings for this other man and he knows my feelings about him and our marriage. He doesnt care as long as he is happy and he has his family. So what are you saying? You now have a free pass to cheat because he is willing to be a cuckold just to keep the family home intact? I cheated on him because I felt disconnected to him i love him but i felt we were missing pieces in our marriage that we needed to make it strong like trust on both sides for one and passion and so on...Im not blaming him for my affair and im not trying to justify it Sure looks to me like you are. People always say, "I was missing this...I am missing that...he doesn't give me what I need...............BUT I'M NOT BLAMING HIM!!".....uh...ok:confused: it happened, its over and I refuse to beat myself up over it Just sweep it under the rug eh? but he still lies to me and he doesnt seem to care one way or the other as long as he is happy...and some of the lies are just petty bs i will never understand why he does it but he does and i catch him every time such as? ... why dont i leave, because we have a family i try and have been trying to make it right but if he continues to lie he knows now that i just dont give a hoot anymore and will just keep taking care of my kids, my home and myself... If you cheated on him, you could really give a hoot now. Why don't you just divorce? Now that you cheated, he'll REALLY start bringing out the whopper of lies. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 What if he's given his heart and soul to another woman as well?! Peli, you'd best go and read the reply I wrote to Owl there. If I respond here as well, it will just provide an opportunity for some people to practice their rock-flinging skills again... Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 I don't fling rocks!!! I use a sling!! It may be primitive, but its effective and it really hurts when it lands! Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 I don't fling rocks!!! I use a sling!! It may be primitive, but its effective and it really hurts when it lands! Those old Roman catapults hurt more! (Yes, size does matter ) Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Those old Roman catapults hurt more! (Yes, size does matter ) <looks dejectedly at his sling hanging limply in his hand> <sniffle> <turns and walks quietly away> Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 <looks dejectedly at his sling hanging limply in his hand> <sniffle> <turns and walks quietly away> Psst Owl - wanna buy a rocket launcher? Link to post Share on other sites
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