Owl Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 I've seen those adds...I don't believe those pills really work that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 So here's the new thread, a birth from the "Why not tell the Wife?" To OWs, XOWs, if you swapped shoes with the unsuspecting BW, would you want to know that the truth about your cheating H? No.. I wouldn't want to know. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 I've seen those adds...I don't believe those pills really work that way. Oh - bad experience then? Link to post Share on other sites
twice_shy Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 No.. I wouldn't want to know. You are not a BW and don't believe in committment or marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 You are not a BW and don't believe in committment or marriage. And ?????? what's your point ????? Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 You are not a BW and don't believe in committment or marriage. no, she was only in a committed R for like 29 years ? How long did your M last may I ask ? Link to post Share on other sites
Love4Eternity Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Oh well, glad you cleared that up. That makes it all better now doesn't it? Sure does in my book and he seems to have gotten over it now why dont you get over it? This isnt YOUR problem is it? So you are both liars. But you are now a liar AND a cheater. I beleive the majority are liars there just some of us who admit to it and some that dont, are you saying you have NEVER lied? or did something wrong in life that you cannot take back? owe wait I am sure its coming, in a follow up reply...YOUR THE PEFERCT ONE!! who has never done any wrong to anyone in your entire life, here is a smile for you congrats!! So what are you saying? You now have a free pass to cheat because he is willing to be a cuckold just to keep the family home intact? Actually im human and I have a free pass to do what ever the hell i want as long as its not illegal, I pay my taxes and I take care of my family Sure looks to me like you are. People always say, "I was missing this...I am missing that...he doesn't give me what I need...............BUT I'M NOT BLAMING HIM!!".....uh...ok:confused: HAHA, guess you live right under our nose dont you, so you know exactly what goes on in my household to be able to judge, HE AND I HAVE DISCUSSED THIS and we both know what is wrong and what is right here and both have accepted it and moved on. we have been married for 20 yrs so we must be doing something right that would be both of us even during our hard times we are still together it takes two to break this marriage and two to make it...he isnt getting all the glory here... Just sweep it under the rug eh? Nope, its not under my rug its just not something i dwell over everyday and neither does he... such as? thats between him and I, but thanks for your so called concern:sick: If you cheated on him, you could really give a hoot now. Why don't you just divorce? Now that you cheated, he'll REALLY start bringing out the whopper of lies. There is no if about it I did cheat on him and I accept full responsibility for my actions also I never said I didnt give a hoot about that, I said i wasnt going to beat myself up over it...what i said is i do not give a hoot anymore about his lies, i am not going to dwell on that anymore either..we have moved on! do you understand this? now you seem just tad bitter here, are you a bs yourself? or just one of those over judgemental freaks who thinks life is just as simple as waking up and turning on the tv to watch a rerun of the bill cosby show? everyone has their issues in life and in their marriages and not everyone can be so perfect not even you, so instead of focusing on my wrong or my husbands wrongs why dont you focus on yourself for a change and stop bringing those of us who have faced our issues and moved on to a better life...have a blessed day! and by the way im reformed , so i guess that makes me a better person today then i was the day i cheated:bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleGirl Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 I would absolutely want to know. Once you've been a MM's Other Woman is it really possible to miss the signs if its your man that then has another woman? I don't know how the BW in my situation could not have her suspicions, I think she must just choose to look the other way... Link to post Share on other sites
neverendingsaga Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 I would absolutely want to know. Once you've been a MM's Other Woman is it really possible to miss the signs if its your man that then has another woman? I don't know how the BW in my situation could not have her suspicions, I think she must just choose to look the other way... id like to know too. i think everyone so far but maybe lizzie has said shed like to know. i think the BW doesnt know sometimes b/c she trusts her H. trust is natural & no one WANTS to be hurt so its easy to assume your H isnt hurting you id guess. i think mines BW had her suspicions too & i feel bad about that. it must be awful to wonder if your H is cheating or not but not have any proof. i hope it never happens to me though some would say i deserve that karma. if it does happen to me YES id want to know. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 I wouldn't want to know.. I wouldn't try to know... like sneaking around.. BUT if he would confess, or get caught... I would kick him to the curb.. IF I am emotionally very involved with him... I've once been with a man for 18 yrs and I wished he had a mistress cause sex was a sacrifice.. If I was in love with a man.. I wouldn't share him.. but I am not the jealous type.. I am very independant... so I would be the type to trust him... and NOT trying to find out.. Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 id like to know too. i think everyone so far but maybe lizzie has said shed like to know. i think the BW doesnt know sometimes b/c she trusts her H. trust is natural & no one WANTS to be hurt so its easy to assume your H isnt hurting you id guess. i think mines BW had her suspicions too & i feel bad about that. it must be awful to wonder if your H is cheating or not but not have any proof. i hope it never happens to me though some would say i deserve that karma. if it does happen to me YES id want to know. I would want to know. I had a Long term boyfriend cheat on me for 6 months. She called me, I threw his arss out. She lived in another state, I thought he was visiting family. Some of our friends knew. That was the worst for me, that other people knew but didnt tell me. they did not want to get involved. I was greatful that ow called. I talked to her for 2 hours. It was a good thing she came along. He was a jerk with lots of issues. He ended up marrying her and then tried to kill her on there honeyoon:eek: I thank God for this woman,, Sometimes people come into our significant others lives to move them out of ours!!! It could have been me!! His cup was full!! So Yes < I would want to know!! Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 I wouldn't want to know.. I wouldn't try to know... like sneaking around.. BUT if he would confess, or get caught... I would kick him to the curb.. IF I am emotionally very involved with him... I've once been with a man for 18 yrs and I wished he had a mistress cause sex was a sacrifice.. If I was in love with a man.. I wouldn't share him.. but I am not the jealous type.. I am very independant... so I would be the type to trust him... and NOT trying to find out.. whoops, sorry lizzie - 11 then 18 Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 I wouldn't want to know.. I wouldn't try to know... like sneaking around.. BUT if he would confess, or get caught... I would kick him to the curb.. IF I am emotionally very involved with him... I've once been with a man for 18 yrs and I wished he had a mistress cause sex was a sacrifice.. If I was in love with a man.. I wouldn't share him.. but I am not the jealous type.. I am very independant... so I would be the type to trust him... and NOT trying to find out.. I get the feeling you've been hurt by someone you loved in the past. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 I get the feeling you've been hurt by someone you loved in the past. I've been hurt like everyone else.. who never had a heartbreak? I had one.. it didn't last very long.. that was 33 years ago... Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewSunrise Posted June 12, 2008 Author Share Posted June 12, 2008 I would absolutely want to know. Once you've been a MM's Other Woman is it really possible to miss the signs if its your man that then has another woman? I don't know how the BW in my situation could not have her suspicions, I think she must just choose to look the other way... As a former BW, when you enter a M, there's a value of trust and honesty along with love before, during and after the "I DOs". Each one is your gift to each other as much as the vows you two cited. You're not out looking for "signs". If that is what marriage is about, there is no point in being one. XWH played the "perfect" H, brother and son to the T. Too perfect. That's just it. Cheaters become masters at lying and deceiving. In one of our many discussions, I asked XWH that if there ever came a time that he's not happy to let me know so that we could work it out and I pleaded he not cheat on me. He looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I love you. I promise I would never do that to you." Once the A exposed and during MC to rebuild the M was when I started looking for signs. You don't need to be a XOW to figure out your H been lying all along. With a little detective work and deciphering his behavior, incosistencies became more apparent. As I said, cheaters become masters of lies and deceit. As many OWs have posted, they share the same belief system as the BW do. OW"trust" and "believe" their MM, much in the same way BWs believe and trust their WH. All you have to do is read many of the threads and posts written by OW. They "believe" in their MM and have no reasons not to. And since that's the case, OWs like BWs are not looking for signs either. OW believe that they are the only OW aside from the BW and that their MM will eventually leave their BW for them. The BW believe there is no OW and that their M is solid. Therefore, why suspect anything? Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 This is a question I have thought about often. I was married for 25 years to a woman who had an "off and on" affair with the same guy for 23 of those years. I never caught on. Early in the marriage, especially before children I absolutely would have wanted to know so I could have moved on. After kids that becomes less clear. Later in the marriage it was a different matter all together. 23 years into the marriage, when the kids were 16-17 we had a "need space" period of living together seperation. After 4 months we reconciled or so I thought. After that reconciliation we decided to relocate and "start over". Leaving the kids in college, we did relocate, and life was easy and great for one year to the day. It was by far the calmest and happiest year of the marriage (at least for me). Lots of fun and communication. No financial problems. Great romance and very frequent, fantastic sex. A year to the day after it started it ended. I didn't know at the time that we had moved to where her LT BF lived part time. They had made plans after the short lived "seperation" a year and a half earlier to "bide their time" until he could deal with his wife. My ex jumped the gun a little, but in the end they are living happily ever after. Would I have wanted to know that the last year of my marriage was a fraud. NO I WOULDN'T. That year was literally the "best" of my marriage. I was content, and satisfied with life in ways I had never experianced previously. As it ended up my ex has told me she was "just going through the motions", being friends, sharing intimacy, knowing there was no longer a committment, basicly making the "best of it", before her exit. She fooled me completely. But I WAS HAPPY during that period of time. She claimed it was a happy time for her too, just not emotionally fullfilling. She wasn't in love, she was faking it and enjoying the perks. That period of happiness overshadowed a lot of years of chaos, unhappiness and angst. I'm glad I didn't know. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 Would I have wanted to know that the last year of my marriage was a fraud. NO I WOULDN'T. That year was literally the "best" of my marriage. I was content, and satisfied with life in ways I had never experianced previously. As it ended up my ex has told me she was "just going through the motions... That period of happiness overshadowed a lot of years of chaos, unhappiness and angst. I'm glad I didn't know. That's really interesting, LsD. And completely puzzling. You mean that the experience you had then, believing it was real at the time, erased so much of the past, and has not since been tainted or spoiled by since discovering that it was 'false' to her..? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 Something else to consider. Do you think that MW's BH would want to know of your impending plans, LsD? Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 Frannie, Not at all. It didn't erase anything. It may have made the break up worse for both of us. What it ended up being for me (and I think for her) was a 365 day period of calm, rebuilding time. We had gone through 24 years of the day to day chaos of building a life, raising two children then teens successfully, faced all the emotional and financial hardships, running the who gamut of stress and emotion. Admittedly I didn't know she had a "guy on the side". Coming off the super chaos of her trying to end the marriage prematurely, that last year allowed all of that melted away. We didn't have a single argument, much less fight. No raised voices. We were financially secure, able to "help out" the kids. We had the time and privacy to be intimate and sexual. We both had calmed down to the point where she was able to make her exit decision and I was able to accept it with reasonable grace and understanding. Even when the LT affair came out (10 days after D day) I didn't react badly. I took it in stride, as by then I realized something wasn't being said. We were even able to be decent to each other for the six weeks it took her to make her exit to a place of her own. A friend and I moved her! Yes I was devistated, crushed, hurt beyond comprehension. I wasn't destroyed though, as I had been a year and a half earlier. From the time of discovery of her affair, I didn't want her to stay, and have never wanted her back. But... I was able to understand her actions after awhile. I was filled with saddness, not anger or hate (although I felt those emotions too). It's almost 8 years later. The emotions have faded. I'm sure now that not "knowing" was much better for me, and my guess it was better and easier for her. I'm now able to enjoy and appreciate the fact that during that last year she treated me like I had wanted to be treated the whole marriage. I don't claim to have any understanding of why it happened that way. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 As a former BW, when you enter a M, there's a value of trust and honesty along with love before, during and after the "I DOs". Each one is your gift to each other as much as the vows you two cited. You're not out looking for "signs". If that is what marriage is about, there is no point in being one. XWH played the "perfect" H, brother and son to the T. Too perfect. That's just it. Cheaters become masters at lying and deceiving. In one of our many discussions, I asked XWH that if there ever came a time that he's not happy to let me know so that we could work it out and I pleaded he not cheat on me. He looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I love you. I promise I would never do that to you." Once the A exposed and during MC to rebuild the M was when I started looking for signs. You don't need to be a XOW to figure out your H been lying all along. With a little detective work and deciphering his behavior, incosistencies became more apparent. As I said, cheaters become masters of lies and deceit. As many OWs have posted, they share the same belief system as the BW do. OW"trust" and "believe" their MM, much in the same way BWs believe and trust their WH. All you have to do is read many of the threads and posts written by OW. They "believe" in their MM and have no reasons not to. And since that's the case, OWs like BWs are not looking for signs either. OW believe that they are the only OW aside from the BW and that their MM will eventually leave their BW for them. The BW believe there is no OW and that their M is solid. Therefore, why suspect anything? Exactly. Particularly the part in bold. Not sure why this is so consistently hard for people to understand? Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 Something else to consider. Do you think that MW's BH would want to know of your impending plans, LsD? Owl, That and more has weighed heavily on my mind in the last couple of months. I'm currently in a VERY good place. Happy, back to work (after the insanity of the abrupt move), sleeping well, accomplishing lots of good things. All of this alone, without the assistance of anyone else. Emotionally unencombered. It's become very difficult to plunge myself into chaos. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 LsD, its awesome to hear how happy you are with where things are at right now. I'll be honest...you know my opinion on affairs and such, so from my perspective I think its great that you find happiness IN YOURSELF, without entering into someone else's marriage as yours was. Your house sounds wonderful. And I can totally relate to the feeling of decorating and designing your home YOUR way, without concern for anything but what suits YOU. While I love my marriage and have no desire to change a thing, I can imagine what that might be like. Link to post Share on other sites
twice_shy Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 And ?????? what's your point ????? that your opinion is not valid and harmful to people who believe in committment and marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
twice_shy Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 no, she was only in a committed R for like 29 years ? How long did your M last may I ask ? Yes and she is not longer in a committed R because she doesn't believe in it. I am no longer married because my xW doesn't believe in keeping her legs crossed to the same person for very long and doesn't believe in committment or marriage either. Lizzie does NOT believe in monogamy and is a slap in the face to BS's. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 I would want to know so that I can decide what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
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