Any Effect from Having Lots of Sexual Partners?

[blind_otter]

ding ding ding - I think that THIS is really your problem. I think that you might be searching for reasons that your current sex life isn't ideal..."maybe if she had so and so's butt, that used to turn me on" etc. etc...but I have a feeling that your problem is deeper seated than that.

 

Word, I am in total agreement here. Something is "off" in your current R, which leads you to compare your partner to past partners - unfavorably. Either you are simply not compatible or there are other, deeper issues. I'm willing to bet that if everything were peachy keen, the comparison thing would not be an issue.

[AAlike]

Physical differences.....not as easy, but there is great satisfaction in focusing less on their body and more on the reactions you can get out of them with your own performance. You might wish for a different butt shape or some other feature, but can you get their toes to curl and a few "DEAR GOD!"s?

 

This is a fantastic paragraph right here, echoes what I was going to say...when you really connect on all cylinders sexually, I would think that this would outweigh any physical differences. I mean, sure if I could slightly increase my girlfriend's breast size or something like that without changing anything else, maybe I would, but it's so insignificant to me and I never think about WANTING to do those things.

[AAlike]

Everyone chooses their path in life and needs to accept their own past. No one else needs to accept the path of another, if they don't choose to. Most people don't make core changes. They only change superficially and not just about how they look. During times of stress, people tend to revert to their core reactions aka survivor instincts.

 

of course you don't have to accept anything if you don't want to. reject whoever you want based on their past and not their present, and hold everyone to their adolescent decisions for a lifetime if you are so inclined. I can't imagine trying to raise children with that attitude.

[Trialbyfire]

Well said. I've discussed this idea at length with AA in other threads.

 

I used to be of the camp that people change, but have since come to the idea that change is very much the exception. That is why we value it so much. That which stands in way of change is often daunting and requires serious introspection; can take a long time and is a tough painful process. As cliche as it sounds a persons past decision making is a great indication of how they will make decisions in the future.

I couldn't agree more.

 

of course you don't have to accept anything if you don't want to. reject whoever you want based on their past and not their present, and hold everyone to their adolescent decisions for a lifetime if you are so inclined. I can't imagine trying to raise children with that attitude.

Once again, trying to control my opinion of how I should think.

 

Children are in their formative years. It's how you mould them by creating a solid foundation for them, that will set them on their road to a healthy or a dysfunctional pattern. If you set the example of dysfunctional, this is what they will fall back on, unless they're one of the few adults that acknowledge and choose to make core changes.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Physical differences.....not as easy, but there is great satisfaction in focusing less on their body and more on the reactions you can get out of them with your own performance. You might wish for a different butt shape or some other feature, but can you get their toes to curl and a few "DEAR GOD!"s?

You may never be able to accept a certain weight class or body shape, but their are shades of imperfection that can be tolerable - enjoyable even

 

I think this is helpful!

 

I'm in really good shape, so is she. She is a touch skinny, but really I have nothing to complain about. I focus really hard on being the best I can be. I put much for expectations on her. I typically reserve that for myself. I believe that I get a lot of toe curling from her... but I can't really know for sure. I'm not sure anyone can.

 

ding ding ding - I think that THIS is really your problem. I think that you might be searching for reasons that your current sex life isn't ideal..."maybe if she had so and so's butt, that used to turn me on" etc. etc...but I have a feeling that your problem is deeper seated than that.

 

I'm a very smart guy, and I've been putting some thought to this. There may be some commitment fear mixed into this.

 

This may or may not mean anything, but I find that to really trust I have to have some kind of emotional distance.

 

Word, I am in total agreement here. Something is "off" in your current R, which leads you to compare your partner to past partners - unfavorably. Either you are simply not compatible or there are other, deeper issues. I'm willing to bet that if everything were peachy keen, the comparison thing would not be an issue.

 

I'm actually kind of scared that I'm just addicted to variety. Can that happen?

[AAlike]

As cliche as it sounds a persons past decision making is a great indication of how they will make decisions in the future.

 

their past decision making AS A WHOLE, yes. but I don't think that we're talking about that. focusing on one or two isolated incidents is not looking at someone's "past decision making."

 

however, we're getting way off topic...well, not to the original question but now that OP has revealed his reasoning behind it we are.

 

OP - in connecting your original question with your latest information - are you implying that having a fair amount of previous partners can jeopardize a relationship because it will result in you having too high of expectations of your current GF?

[MrsHellnoFire]

I read through a couple of posts which touched on this topic just a little, however the idea was not explored further.

 

So, what are the pro's and con's of being sexual with large numbers of people? Also, what are the positives and negatives of dating someone who has a large number of sexual partners?

 

I merged some of those questions together in the following:

 

pros

- more experience so maybe better ability to please their mate

- might have "sowed their oats", although exceptions appear below

- "bragging rights" for men

- would feel less insecure in the bedroom as those who have not have had much of a sexual history

- possible empowerment

- not likely to grow too attached to a woman or man right away to surrender your complete mind to and because of this, remain not so dependent on them down the line.

 

cons

- possible std contraction

- possibility for unintended pregnancy with a stranger

- behavior of wanting mulitple partners does not always quelch after marriage; it's really a permanent characteristic of the person many times which may account for the high infidelity rate in the US.

- inability to give your body to someone in a more special unique way making your partner feel more special as they know your body wasnt just used by many, but you waited for a more special person to give it to

- possible emotional issues

- possible sex addict dependent on circumstances involved and the amount of people intercourse was involved with

- risk of being "used" by this promiscuous mate

- for women and men sometimes, they risk feeling guilty or "used" when the sexual interaction took place prematurely

 

These are just some I can think of. I don't believe any of these are right or wrong, just subject to one's personal perception.

[AAlike]

 

I'm a very smart guy, and I've been putting some thought to this. There may be some commitment fear mixed into this.

 

definitely very possible.

 

This may or may not mean anything, but I find that to really trust I have to have some kind of emotional distance.

 

yikes - perhaps something that you should work on/out before getting too seriously in a relationship, no?

 

I'm actually kind of scared that I'm just addicted to variety. Can that happen?

 

Well, hopefully you're not "addicted" to anything, but maybe you just really aren't ready for a relationship, or you haven't found the right person. you need to figure this out.

[Untouchable_Fire]

yikes - perhaps something that you should work on/out before getting too seriously in a relationship, no?

 

Well, hopefully you're not "addicted" to anything, but maybe you just really aren't ready for a relationship, or you haven't found the right person. you need to figure this out.

 

What is trust?

 

I feel like I trust other people. I just make sure that I do not allow anyone such a hold on me that if they take advantage of my trust... I'm left devastated. To do otherwise is not trusting... its naive.

 

Think about it like this. You have a million $ in a briefcase. If you hand that to someone and trust them not to take it... your placing too much temptation on them. I think this same idea applies to my relationship!

[J2FT1]

Wow, if you have 50 sexual partners, then sex isn't what what it used to be. Or you're extremely easy.

[rproctor]

Im not really sure how to answer this question...

 

In my opinion, the pro is the immediate release, the immediate pleasure... Having slept with a lot of people is something that you can please you at this moment...

 

However, the con I would say is that it will fault you in terms of long term relationships... When it comes to love, life partners, and marriage I would think that if one partner had sex with 2 people, while the other had sex with 20, the one with 2 partners would inevitably feel as though they have been cheated out of something special with their mate.

 

I know, I wish my gf had not slept with so many people. I lay at night with my stomach in nots over this sometimes. Some of the stories I have heard, and some of the things I have found out... It kills me.

[mental_traveller]

Pros - you have lots of fun, varied experiences of different lovers. You can own your bar buddies at the "most numerous/outrageous sexual conquests" brag-fests. You probably get to know more about the opposite sex than most people. No regrets over missed opportunities when you are old and can't get it up anymore. Risk of impregnating some wholly unsuitable woman and paying 18 years of child support. If you are stupid, add unsuitable marriage/cohabitation to that risk.

 

Cons - STD risk. Having to dodge the question when "how many partners have you had?" comes up. Regrets over "I can't believe I shagged HER".

 

You can get a reputation as a bit of a player. This can be good (if you want to keep banging some hot loose women, they tend to like that) or bad (if you want to settle down, that kinda girl can be put off by it).

[tinktronik]

I think the biggest benefit hat I've garnered from having multiple sexual partners rather than just say two or three, is that I can recognize and appreciate a skilled lover when I meet one.

[Trialbyfire]

I think the biggest benefit hat I've garnered from having multiple sexual partners rather than just say two or three, is that I can recognize and appreciate a skilled lover when I meet one.

Does skill really matter if you're already having an incredible time of it? For me, skill drops to a level of zero, compared to enthusiasm and being completely into the other person.

[Star Gazer]

Does skill really matter if you're already having an incredible time of it? For me, skill drops to a level of zero, compared to enthusiasm and being completely into the other person.

 

Yes, skill matters. It always matters. Enthusiasm can never make up for a man already knowing his way around a woman's body. And to preempt any comment about being able to communicate one's sexual needs, I agree to an extent, but I don't want to be anyone's remedial sex teacher.

[tinktronik]

Does skill really matter if you're already having an incredible time of it? For me, skill drops to a level of zero, compared to enthusiasm and being completely into the other person.

 

I think once you get going you are naturally enthusiastic and "into " the other person. I'll be honest though, after 20 something partners, some being better than others, or more memorable or whatever you want to call it ,yes I think it does.

.As of my current partner, I had never met a man with the intent to make love in the same way one plays a piano.

This is a lot of what skill is and it is a difficult thing to explain.

If I had not had the experience before hand I would have never appreciated the level of thought, attention,detail, effort and if you want to call it "study" of the way a woman's body works, and his intense intent to know his partner especially. I would imagine he has been this way with all of his partners.

[Trialbyfire]

Yes, skill matters. It always matters. Enthusiasm can never make up for a man already knowing his way around a woman's body. And to preempt any comment about being able to communicate one's sexual needs, I agree to an extent, but I don't want to be anyone's remedial sex teacher.

A woman's body isn't a mystery. Neither is a man's body. I'd rather sleep with a virgin who loves me rather than a random stranger who's an incredible lover.

 

Perhaps it's because I don't view sex as an itch to scratch.

[carhill]

Iterations do not necessarily equal prowess....

 

I agree with TBF that enthusiasm and desire are powerful positive forces, regardless of number of partners, as well as education (about the sexual process) and knowing one's body and that of their partner. Being uninhibited doesn't hurt.

 

In our circumstances, my wife had far more partners than I had (on the order of 10:1) but still feels/felt a bit uncertain of her sexual confidence in bed. My uninhibited nature, education, and loving to please a woman helped balance the equation. One doesn't need a lot of partners to have those attributes

[Trialbyfire]

I think once you get going you are naturally enthusiastic and "into " the other person. I'll be honest though, after 20 something partners, some being better than others, or more memorable or whatever you want to call it ,yes I think it does.

.As of my current partner, I had never met a man with the intent to make love in the same way one plays a piano.

This is a lot of what skill is and it is a difficult thing to explain.

If I had not had the experience before hand I would have never appreciated the level of thought, attention,detail, effort and if you want to call it "study" of the way a woman's body works, and his intense intent to know his partner especially. I would imagine he has been this way with all of his partners.

While it's nice for a man to know their way around your body, they can also learn how what pleases you. What you enjoy, isn't something everyone else enjoys.

 

I'm fairly trigger happy when I'm into someone A LOT. It doesn't take me much to get wired. Sometimes I find prolonged foreplay almost a torture, rather than a pleasure. It depends on mood.

[Star Gazer]

I had never met a man with the intent to make love in the same way one plays a piano.

 

Ohhhh, I've had that.

 

This is a lot of what skill is and it is a difficult thing to explain.

 

It IS difficult to explain, particularly to someone who's in her 30's and has only slept with 2 men (as TBF has).

[Star Gazer]

Perhaps it's because I don't view sex as an itch to scratch.

 

I don't see it that way either. Sex isn't black and white. It's neither an "itch to be scratched" OR "something sacred." I know that there's plenty of room in between those two extremes. But then again, unlike you I have an appreciation for a good lover.

[tinktronik]

While it's nice for a man to know their way around your body, they can also learn how what pleases you. What you enjoy, isn't something everyone else enjoys.

 

I'm fairly trigger happy when I'm into someone A LOT. It doesn't take me much to get wired. Sometimes I find prolonged foreplay almost a torture, rather than a pleasure. It depends on mood.

 

I don't know if you understand what I'm saying at all . My partner is a man who has been with a fairly LOW number of women. Its not about knowing how any woman's body works, its about the skill and intent to know how his partners body and mind connect to create a certain "full rich " experience that can differ depending on his intent.

I'm just thankful that I know how unique that is.

[Star Gazer]

While it's nice for a man to know their way around your body, they can also learn how what pleases you. What you enjoy, isn't something everyone else enjoys.

 

Obviously everyone has different triggers.

 

The difference between a good lover and ... someone who's not ... is that a good lover will already KNOW what to do as a result of your body cues, your moans, the way your body responds to what he's doing. He will explore until he figures it out, and it won't take long....

 

Someone else who's not a good lover will do odd things and will only learn how to please you (if ever) after being shown, told, led down the correct path. In other words, he has to LEARN.

 

I'd always much rather have the former, regardless of how "into" him I am and he me.

 

There's some line in a song that I heard once, something about "knows how to love me without being told..." THAT is what a good lover is.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't know if you understand what I'm saying at all . My partner is a man who has been with a fairly LOW number of women. Its not about knowing how any woman's body works, its about the skill and intent to know how his partners body and mind connect to create a certain "full rich " experience that can differ depending on his intent.

I'm just thankful that I know how unique that is.

You're right. I didn't get what you meant. It's because he's empathetic to your needs and has a strong connection to you. He can take cues from your physical reaction to the things he does, so he can please you better.

 

When you're making love to someone, you know what pleases them by their body language and breathing patterns. You know when they get hot and when they get close to the edge.

[Star Gazer]

He can take cues from your physical reaction to the things he does, so he can please you better.

 

When you're making love to someone, you know what pleases them by their body language and breathing patterns. You know when they get hot and when they get close to the edge.

 

You don't have to have a tight emotional connection to someone for them to be able to read those cues. You don't have to be "making love." You can do this through good old f******. That's the point.