Any Effect from Having Lots of Sexual Partners?

[Trialbyfire]

You don't have to have a tight emotional connection to someone for them to be able to read those cues. You don't have to be "making love." You can do this through good old f******. That's the point.

I'm sure you can, if you're the type to be satisfied with just a good ol' balling. Not I...

[Storyrider]

Don't you think it has to do with how you feel for the man? I think if someone turns you on enough, even fumblings could be magical, and then hopefully, but the time the honeymoon wears off, he's not fumbling anymore.

[Trialbyfire]

Don't you think it has to do with how you feel for the man? I think if someone turns you on enough, even fumblings could be magical, and then hopefully, but the time the honeymoon wears off, he's not fumbling anymore.

I think this is the difference. Myself, I agree with you. For some, the skill seems to matter more.

[tinktronik]

Don't you think it has to do with how you feel for the man?

I think the answer to this question depends entirely on he actual situation and can vary.

 

I think if someone turns you on enough, even fumblings could be magical, and then hopefully, but the time the honeymoon wears off, he's not fumbling anymore.

 

 

I don't know that I personally am as "forgiving". I am always willing to put in work and attention, but I don't think I would miss the obvious.

[Storyrider]

I don't know that I personally am as "forgiving". I am always willing to put in work and attention, but I don't think I would miss the obvious.

Yeah, but sex starts long before someone actually touches you. The approach starts with words, body language, they way he looks at you. That is the foreplay to foreplay. All of that creates and builds desire, if it is the right person.

 

By the time he's touching you with his hands...I think we might be saying the same thing, tinkronik, because you said your guy knew you enough to catch the cues from you and be responsive. If you have a connection with someone, that responsiveness is more likely to be there.

[tinktronik]

Yeah, but sex starts long before someone actually touches you. The approach starts with words, body language, they way he looks at you. That is the foreplay to foreplay. All of that creates and builds desire, if it is the right person.

 

By the time he's touching you with his hands...I think we might be saying the same thing, tinkronik, because you said your guy knew you enough to catch the cues from you and be responsive. If you have a connection with someone, that responsiveness is more likely to be there.

 

I think we are saying the same thing as well. I don't know your experience , but in mine this "empathy" and "attention" for a partner is something that a low number of men either have or aspire to. I think that certainly connection goes into this as well, but if the facet of that persons personality was not there to begin with, it is an unachievable. This is what I refer to as "skill" .

[t_veron]

It's amazing how cheap sex has become. Instant gratification will never help you in the long run. Having too many partners makes sex an act/addiction. You can never have a normal relationship when you're not committed for the right reasons and that explains the high divorce rate outside of finances.

 

When problems come up in a marriage or relationship an addict will want to resort to sex. Obviously when there's a problem couples don't usually want to have sex so what does an addict do??? More times than not they cheat because that's what they know to feel whole. Instant gratification.

 

There really are no pros to multiple partners outside of experience. You can get all the experience you need with one partner and time and practice. Even if you are experienced, it doesn't mean your partner likes it they way you do it. Everyone has their own likes so there will always be a learning curve with a new partner. Those that expect an expert in bed are also the ones that expect things to be handed to them easily. So if you're that selfish that you can't explore and teach each other in a relationship that explains what I just said, sex is just an act for you not a means to become intimate.

 

In short if you've been around ask yourself this question. How likely were you to believe in love and want to settle down with someone before having had all the partners you've had and how has that changed your mind about your ability to give up variety in your sex life to settle down now? I have many friends at both ends of the pole. Those that have been around are either single or married to good partners but still sleeping around and cheating. Can't change an addict so I will not date anyone that can count over one hand how many partners they've been with. That's just me so to each their own.

[Crow9726]

My situations isn't tremendously unique...but I think bears telling.

 

My XW of almost 27 years was much more experienced than me. Fortunately, she used her experience to teach me what she liked and we explored all avenues of a sexual relationship. She was very uninhibited and said that the men she was with before me helped bring her out of her shell since they were very bold and enthusiastic with her. She told me everything about everything and we both viewed her past experiences as positives.

 

Now to my current relationship. My GF has suffered a lifetime of sexual abuse which started when she was 8. Adolescent and teenage alcoholism, cutting, gang rapes, pedophiles when she was a young teen, suicide attempt, drug use, rehab, stripping and extreme promiscuity up until we became a couple. Issues abound since all of her prior relationships started as sexual. She was involved in countless abusive relationships not to mention booty calls and all the trappings of bad decisions. Her sexual partners number too high for me to even fathom and the vast majority were negative experiences. Her history of abuse led her to seek love through sex and to use sex as power and control.

 

Because of her shame and humiliation regarding her past...she shielded me from most of it until her issues began to afffect our sex life. Intimacy barriers, disassociation, detachment, no romance, no foreplay, etc....

 

For her, sex is an act and not an event...and this has caused us many problems that are, as of yet, unresolved.

 

So, my take on the matter is that the number of experiences someone may have had prior to the relationship matters not. It is the intent and the effects of those sexual liaisons on the current relationship that matters.

 

If she would have openly shared her past...the good and the bad...then perhaps we could have resolved our issues early on. Instead, it is an ongoing battle, and one that leaves both of us exhausted.

 

So, to repeat, it's not the number...it's the effect of the kind of sex and how it was used/obtained that actually matters.

 

Just my $ .02

[Spectre]

I honestly can't see the pro's of a girl having a lot of sexual experience. Yeah, guys will think oh, she knows what she is doing. Like that really matters? An inexperienced girl will catch-up eventually.

 

Having said that, I don't need my gf's to be virgins, but if they have slept with a large amount of guys, it is just a big turn off.

[D-Lish]

I don't see it that way either. Sex isn't black and white. It's neither an "itch to be scratched" OR "something sacred." I know that there's plenty of room in between those two extremes. But then again, unlike you I have an appreciation for a good lover.

 

I'd say the negative part of having too many sexual partners is developing that itch that has to be scratched and needing antibiodics for it...

:lmao:

 

Sorry- couldn't resist!

[cutegirl]

This is what I think. I think that a guy who has had lots of sexual partners is used to variety and knows how incredibly satisfying it is to bang lots of different women (don't lie if you're a guy, you KNOW you like variety). I think it would make a guy less likely to be faithful because he knows how amazing it is do have sex with various random women. It would make me think "Why would he want to be with me after he's been with so many other "better" women?" What could I possibly have to offer? How can I be the one to make this person happy when they have had so many partners? How can I make this person happy when they are used to different partners? Surely they will get sick of me soon and want that variety again!

 

I also think that a guy who has had lots of partners probably been with some women who were "great" in some way, perhaps great in bed, or great looking or someone with a great ass or great juggs. That makes it worse for me as a woman because I have to compete with all of those women. I would be constantly wondering how I measured up to those women and how they all were "better than me".

 

I do agree that people who have had no experience will also one day start to wonder what it's like to be others. So basically you can't win either way.

 

A man that has had lots of partners puts a bad taste in my mouth because I think he will easily get bored with me because how could I compare with the 50 or 100 women that came before me? And I would be worried that I would be compared to them somehow.

 

A man who has been with lots of women KNOWS what other women are like and can use that as a standard to measure me against. It's like more competition for me, whereas a guy that has not had lots of women will have nothing to compare me to.

 

I think a guy has lots of partners because he wants VARIETY. That makes him a poor choice for bf material because he will get sick of me and want something NEW. Obviously he likes different women, so why be with me? Go on and keep on banging more chicks till you get 1,000. I don't want to hold anyone prisoner if they secretly want to bed different women, that's who they really are. And they can't change.

[carhill]

So that's what I've been missing.....

[Carmen87]

You need to get yourself some confidence.

[carhill]

Yeah, especially since I'm married

[AAlike]

 

So, to repeat, it's not the number...it's the effect of the kind of sex and how it was used/obtained that actually matters.

 

Just my $ .02

 

This is the most important sentence posted in this thread.

[AAlike]

It's amazing how cheap sex has become. Instant gratification will never help you in the long run. Having too many partners makes sex an act/addiction. You can never have a normal relationship when you're not committed for the right reasons and that explains the high divorce rate outside of finances.

 

So the divorce rate is explained by sexual escapades that people have prior to getting married? Good to know. I always thought that it was people getting married too young and/or thinking that they're in love with the first person that they slept with. So by your logic, marriages involving people in their early 20's should be more successful than people getting married in their 30's when they've had time to have all of this dirty sex and develop their addictions. Also, divorce rates in European countries in which people average a higher number of partners than in the US should be higher than American rates, right? I think that you'll find statistics do not back you up here.

 

When problems come up in a marriage or relationship an addict will want to resort to sex. Obviously when there's a problem couples don't usually want to have sex so what does an addict do??? More times than not they cheat because that's what they know to feel whole. Instant gratification.

 

Well, that very well may be true for bonafide sex addicts, sure. However, I would also argue that sexual repression leads to just as many potential marriage problems. and I think that there are plenty more sexually repressed people in our country than there are sex addicts, but perhaps you'll tell me otherwise...

 

There really are no pros to multiple partners outside of experience. You can get all the experience you need with one partner and time and practice. Even if you are experienced, it doesn't mean your partner likes it they way you do it. Everyone has their own likes so there will always be a learning curve with a new partner. Those that expect an expert in bed are also the ones that expect things to be handed to them easily. So if you're that selfish that you can't explore and teach each other in a relationship that explains what I just said, sex is just an act for you not a means to become intimate.

 

I do agree with the gist of this paragraph, save the judgemental parts - and in fact, I'd be apt to say that someone who has had regular sex with one person is more apt to be an experienced lover than someone that's had five or ten partners but never slept with the same one more than a few times. My first two sexual experiences were akward and forgettable, and I would say that I most likely was just trying to get them out of the way, so to speak. It wasn't until my first legitimate girlfriend that I felt that I had tangible, memorable, good sex. but shouldn't that be more reason why a fling or two should be insignficant?

 

let me tell you a secret - the physical act of sex IS just that, an act. In fact, it's one of the most instinctual, primal acts that we can take part in. Is it often a means to intimacy? Of course, and I don't think anyone, regardless of how much sex they've had, would argue that ideally, it is better when intimacy is involved. The point is that it really is all contextual. It can be "just an act" and/or a means to intimacy, and those two things are not mutually exclusive.

 

In short if you've been around ask yourself this question. How likely were you to believe in love and want to settle down with someone before having had all the partners you've had and how has that changed your mind about your ability to give up variety in your sex life to settle down now? I have many friends at both ends of the pole. Those that have been around are either single or married to good partners but still sleeping around and cheating. Can't change an addict so I will not date anyone that can count over one hand how many partners they've been with. That's just me so to each their own.

 

Well, I had over five partners by the time that I was 20. I am now 31 and in a perfect, loving relationship - however, I now realize that I am a sex addict and that I should expect my relationship to crash and burn due to my addiction and any marriage to result in divorce because I'll clearly go cheat the first time we fight over what to watch on TV.

[AAlike]

wow, don't even know where to start on this one!

 

This is what I think. I think that a guy who has had lots of sexual partners is used to variety and knows how incredibly satisfying it is to bang lots of different women (don't lie if you're a guy, you KNOW you like variety). I think it would make a guy less likely to be faithful because he knows how amazing it is do have sex with various random women. It would make me think "Why would he want to be with me after he's been with so many other "better" women?" What could I possibly have to offer? How can I be the one to make this person happy when they have had so many partners? How can I make this person happy when they are used to different partners? Surely they will get sick of me soon and want that variety again!

 

I would think that a guy that has been with a lot of women but is currently looking for or is in a relationship would be the exact person to realize that it is NOT "incredibly satisfying to bang lots of different women." If it were, why would anybody be in a relationship at all?

 

I think a lot of you on here that have not had any real casual sexual experiences are placing way way too much emphasis on how it affects the participants when it does happen. It's not always some illicit, hot, steaming porno where both parties indulge in each other's utter randomness - in most cases, it's probably akward, and unfulfilling. And the lingering effect of it is not a whole heck of a lot more than an eipsode of mastrubation. In fact, I'd be willing to venture that many people are using it as a stopgap to just get a taste of the companionship and closeness that people in a good relationship experience daily. And THAT'S why people cheat - it's not some magnetic attraction to random sex - people generally cheat when their relationship is no longer providing them with that closeness and companionship, and it's gotten so bad that they think that they'd have a better chance of obtaining it with a stranger. Not that I'm defending cheating - I find it to be among the most selfish and spineless things a person can do (if it's that bad, for god sakes just end the relationship, then you can do what you want) - but it's generally just the icing on a very well-prepared cake of prior dysfunction.

 

So for those of you saying that a couple episodes of casual sex are something that you consider so morally reprehensible and unacceptable to you that anyone who would engage in them would be incompatible with you as a potential partner, no matter how far removed that they may be from those episodes, that's totally fine and I respect your position - just realize that it can get lonely up there on that high horse, especially in this day and age.

 

However, if you're telling me that as a 31-year old man who is completely head over heels about my current GF and in a great relationship with a superb sex life that I would give that all up for a chance to akwardly hook up with some 19-year old at a college house party, well, you've been watching too many movies.

 

I think a guy has lots of partners because he wants VARIETY. That makes him a poor choice for bf material because he will get sick of me and want something NEW. Obviously he likes different women, so why be with me? Go on and keep on banging more chicks till you get 1,000. I don't want to hold anyone prisoner if they secretly want to bed different women, that's who they really are. And they can't change.

 

Well, that I will agree with - a guy trying to sleep with 1,000 girls probably isn't husband material. well scouted.

 

again, I would think that the whole reason that you'd enter a relationship is that you DON'T want to bed other women.

[t_veron]

wow, don't even know where to start on this one!

 

 

First of all whether who's right or who's wrong is not the point it's stating our opinions. If we haven't learned anything in life we should learn any statistic or fact or trial can be presented in such a way for favor the outcome. What bothers me is how you attack people and their beliefs (right or wrong) or present your opinion. Keep the sarcasm and put downs to yourself. As smart as you're trying to sound with colorful words the fact is you're coming across like a chump.

 

The point here is if sex is just a feel good act you're not going to committed to one. Some people do drugs, some people shop, some people are work-a-holics, some people are alcoholics, some people eat too much,and some people are sexaholics. We all have different ways of dealing with issues, life, or our past. Married or not it's hard to change bad habbits otherwise we wouldn't have people complaining about cheaters for example. Unless someone goes through some dramatic life experience and work really hard to change their habbits it ain't gonna happen. Having come from Europe and have family there I visit quite often. I'm very aware of how they live. Just because you read something doesn't make you knowledgable because it's.... guess what???? SOMEONE'S OPINION.

 

Intimacy and sleeping around don't go together. I'm sure every decade our thoughts and beliefs change somewhat so don't be so sure. I remember thinking you need muliple partners to be good at it and to get it out of your system. I think I learned the most from a single long-term partner than all the other short-term or one-nighters. You can't learn something by going to school 1 day at each class for the entire year. You learn by consitantly going to the same classes every day. Same with work, a trade, etc and that's how sex works too.

 

For those who do not want to ever settle down and just want a "swinger" lifestyle more power to you sleep away and maybe I'll join you at some time. Just don't fool yourself or others with the idea you'll be committed to just one. For those who want loyalty don't hook up with the player or swinger thinking you can change them once you settle down. Then we're all happy because we get what we want.

 

It's not about the sex it's about a different set of morals, values, and beliefs. I think trying to mixing two extremes of the two kinds of types causes divorce once we realize marriage is a partnership and committment. BTW, the fact you welcomed some kind of argument by acknowledging a comeback from me tells me you like drama. Please leave the drama out of the discussions.

[AAlike]

First of all whether who's right or who's wrong is not the point it's stating our opinions. If we haven't learned anything in life we should learn any statistic or fact or trial can be presented in such a way for favor the outcome. What bothers me is how you attack people and their beliefs (right or wrong) or present your opinion. Keep the sarcasm and put downs to yourself. As smart as you're trying to sound with colorful words the fact is you're coming across like a chump.

 

It entertains me that people post hugely judgemental things on A DISCUSSION FORUM and then get bent out of shape because "it's their opinion" and therefore it cannot be challenged - it's a discussion forum, the whole point is to have your opinions challenged! You are making generalizations about how people that you don't even know view sex and labelling them to be addicts. "Despite the fact that i don't know you at all or any circumstances of your life, if you've had X amount of sexual partners then you clearly view sex this way" is an "opinion" that I'd be hard pressed to believe that wouldn't be challenged just about anywhere.

 

However, you are correct that I was being a little smug. In the interest of a good discussion, I will lay off of the sarcasm and such.

 

The point here is if sex is just a feel good act you're not going to committed to one.

 

and my point is that it works the other way around - when you commit to one, then sex takes on a new meaning and naturally no longer becomes exclusively a "feel good act". and this is going to occur regardless of how many partners anyone's had previously. whether you've had a couple of isolated one night stands or not, eventually you get to the point where you realize that constant companionship is much more important - there's a reason why they call it "settling down" - it's a natural progression.

 

Married or not it's hard to change bad habbits otherwise we wouldn't have people complaining about cheaters for example. Unless someone goes through some dramatic life experience and work really hard to change their habbits it ain't gonna happen.

 

Do you really think that previous number of sexual partners is what causes cheating? Maybe in a small number of cases, but much more often people cheat because their relationship has gotten to the point where they've lost the feeling of constant companionship...and they do exactly what single and lonely people do - they seek it out from strangers or acquaintances.

 

Having come from Europe and have family there I visit quite often. I'm very aware of how they live. Just because you read something doesn't make you knowledgable because it's.... guess what???? SOMEONE'S OPINION.

 

I don't think you grasp the concept of an opinion. Saying "I don't think that I personally would be comfortable dating someone that has had a fair amount of sexual partners because we most likely have different viewpoints" is an opinion, and one that you are more than entitled to and judging by your comments is probably correct for you. Saying "someone that has had more than a handful of sexual partners views sex a certain way and is likely to be a sex addict" is not an opinion.

 

Intimacy and sleeping around don't go together. I'm sure every decade our thoughts and beliefs change somewhat so don't be so sure. I remember thinking you need muliple partners to be good at it and to get it out of your system.

 

Exactly!! People's beliefs on sex and what it means to them are certainly apt to change as they age. I mean, we're at the point where 80% of our kids are no longer virgins by the time that they're 20. 80%!! Does all of this sexual activity mean that all of our youth are now predisposed against any committed relationship at this point? I certainly don't think so. I think that it's much more likely that as they mature and are able to harness their own sexuality and emotion, they will completely recontextualize sex and their previous escapades will become insignificant.

 

I mean, come on, you're saying here that YOU YOURSELF even thought at some point that it was good to have multiple partners to "get it out of your system." Therefore, I think it's a little hypocritical to judge others for thinking that same way at some point in their lives. I mean, I'm sure that anyone in a good relationship looks back at their past and probably feels a little silly about it, whether it be comprised of failed relationships or one-night stands or both, but that's no different than any other aspect of life.

 

I think I learned the most from a single long-term partner than all the other short-term or one-nighters. You can't learn something by going to school 1 day at each class for the entire year. You learn by consitantly going to the same classes every day. Same with work, a trade, etc and that's how sex works too.

 

Completely, 100% accurate, but shouldn't this be more reason that the short-term or one-nighters should be ultimately unimportant??

 

For those who do not want to ever settle down and just want a "swinger" lifestyle more power to you sleep away and maybe I'll join you at some time. Just don't fool yourself or others with the idea you'll be committed to just one. For those who want loyalty don't hook up with the player or swinger thinking you can change them once you settle down. Then we're all happy because we get what we want.

 

of course. but just because someone has had a one night stand or two doesn't mean that they want to be a swinger for their whole life!

 

It's not about the sex it's about a different set of morals, values, and beliefs. I think trying to mixing two extremes of the two kinds of types causes divorce once we realize marriage is a partnership and committment. BTW, the fact you welcomed some kind of argument by acknowledging a comeback from me tells me you like drama. Please leave the drama out of the discussions.

 

You can think of it as "extremes" if you want but the reality is that most people don't live by these extremes and fall squarely in the middle. And in that middle there is probably a couple of sexual indiscretions and some immature/sporadic decision making, and some acting out on libido.

[Lizzie60]

I read through a couple of posts which touched on this topic just a little, however the idea was not explored further.

 

So, what are the pro's and con's of being sexual with large numbers of people? Also, what are the positives and negatives of dating someone who has a large number of sexual partners?

 

 

Humm... I have not yet read the whole thread.. but I will now... lol

 

I am probably the person who had the most sexual partners in this whole forum... I say that the cons would be the more chances to get STDs... but even then ... you can get ONE partner and get a nasty STD...

 

The positives are : lots of sex, lots of fun, making long term friendships, variety.. the leisure to see whoever you want, whenever you want, and to dump anyone that doesn't suit your needs..

 

I don't really see the big deal.. to each their own.

[AAlike]

Humm... I have not yet read the whole thread.. but I will now... lol

 

I am probably the person who had the most sexual partners in this whole forum... I say that the cons would be the more chances to get STDs... but even then ... you can get ONE partner and get a nasty STD...

 

The positives are : lots of sex, lots of fun, making long term friendships, variety.. the leisure to see whoever you want, whenever you want, and to dump anyone that doesn't suit your needs..

 

I don't really see the big deal.. to each their own.

 

I see a lot more positives there than I see negatives, Lizzie!! haha.

 

So here's a question for you - since it's safe to assume that you've had a fair number of partners and enjoy sex in the context of a casual activity, how do you think that this would factor into your dateability or lack thereof?

 

Have you been in monogamous relationships before? If so, did you feel tied down and were you faithful? Do you think that you are less inclined towards a permanent monogamous relationship or marriage at some point in life because of the variety that you've had? And when seeking a potential relationship partner would it be a priority that he also have an above average number of partners or would it not matter?