Obese, self-degrading female workmates

[Braun_CarpetCleaner]

Hello,

 

I've had this issue with some people in my family, too, and a past girlfriend who was big. There's an obese girl (25 or so, my age) that was just hired at my building. She's said things about her weight jokingly, such as moving all of the stuff out of her cubicle so she could have room to turn, and so on (she's not THAT big, BMI 30 or so). Most of the time I feel like women tell me they're fat so that I'll say they aren't; in this case, I didn't understand what she was saying until I'd laughed at the joke and she walked off, and then I thought, "Damn. . .I should have told her she isn't fat, or said no one could have worked in that cramped space, or something. . .but then again, she is pretty big," kinda thing.

 

This really applies to female acquaintances in general, but what's the proper reaction to a fat woman who calls herself fat, beit jokingly or otherwise? Notice the distinction--many women who call themselves fat are wrong, but for some, saying they're fat is like saying the sky is blue. . .disagreeing could be taken as condescending. To the previous girlfriend of mine who was fat, she alluded to her weight once, and I said the same old, "No, you're beautiful" lines. She just shook her head, and afterwards I thought. . .you know, it's obvious I was just saying that. It seems condescending to say otherwise, but it still seems wrong to just agree with it outright, too.

 

-Randall

[Lookingforward]

Sometimes it IS what it IS - obese IS "fat" and at that point I'm sure it's not something they're "just saying"

[Ronni_W]

Sometimes there is nothing else to say but, "I really don't know how you want me to respond to that."

 

People who do make self-deprecating jokes and then get upset by others' reactions are dealing with their own lack of confidence or insecurities or whatever. It is difficult, but not for the rest of us to feel guilty or "bad".

[Braun_CarpetCleaner]

Yep I guess that's about the kind of answer I should have expected. . .I regularly get this impression that there must just be some unspoken rule for dealing with a situation that I'm not aware of, hahaha. ..

[quankanne]

I dunno, Braun, as a plus-size woman of a certain age, I get fed up with all the media telling me I have no sexual value because I'm not a size zero with an ET potbelly, fake boobs and a butt that makes me ask people "do I look fat in these?"

 

I suppose heavy women talking about weight is a not-so-veiled way of seeking approval that I"m attractive no matter what I look like, though I hate being told "you have beautiful ...." by my husband because I know it's a "shut her up" kind of compliment. Mostly, I want to be accepted for me, despite what I look like, though my size is hard to overlook.

 

so, you can either ignore the comments your coworker makes because she's seeking validation from others by hoping they'll accept her, size and all, or you can be blunt and tell her, that there are so many other things you consider when she comes to mind, that size isn't important because of what she is otherwise. Or, do as Ronni suggests and tell her you're not sure what she's looking for with those kinds of comments ...

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Hmmmm.....change subject quickly?

 

Hey look! A baby wolf! (Point out window)

 

Where, she asks?

 

I just saw it outside. I'm gonna go grab a coffee, want some?

 

Exit, stage left!

[vintagecat]

It is what it is and often enough fat women just want to fit in their universe. No pun intended. It's a way of saying okay, so I'm fat, I'm over it, and you should be too and now let's get to work, as if I'm any other human being with their individual strengths and weaknesses. Fat phobia is one of the last tolerated biases in society. I really don't intend to debate the issue, it's just a statement. Everyone that is fat, especially women have faced some incredibly rude and insulting behavior in their lifetime if not on a regular on-going basis and if it was so darn easy to do something about it, most would.

 

So often enough without such intros or statements of the obvious, folks act like you might not know you are fat. As if. Some that say these things may fish for compliments but IMO having observed a lot of humanity for a lot of years it tends to be the non-fat or barely fat that look for validation with these statements. The really fat folks just want to clear this obvious issue off the table and get down to business and humor is usually the least offensive method. So don't say anything or laugh with them or whatever and move on. YMMV.

[allina]

I get fed up with all the media telling me I have no sexual value because I'm not a size zero with an ET potbelly, fake boobs and a butt that makes me ask people "do I look fat in these?"

 

 

Ok I get what you're saying about the media being very narrow in what they show as attractive but you sound angry and resentful. If you want to be accepted for who you are you should also accept people who aren't over weight for who they are. Obviously women who are thinner than you aren't all size zero with an ET potbelly and fake boobs, the way you said that makes you sound bitter and no better than a thin person insulting a heavy person.

 

As for the original post, I think she was making a joke so what's wrong with a small chuckle, isn't that what people are going for when they crack a joke?

[Kenyth]

I deal with stuff like this by using a somewhat ambiguous reaction. I screw up my face a bit and say "Ohhhhhh!".

 

This reaction can mean a number of things, most of them acceptable. For the one's that seem to pursue further comment, I follow with "Don't say that!".

 

Never had someone pursue past that point.