Infidelity Forums making me Jaded toward Women

[sunshinegirl]

My infidelity ocurred over 6 years ago. I blame noone but me and I'm not trying to absolve any guilt by saying women do it better.

 

I am curious: did you ever convey your guilt/regret to the person you wronged? Say you're sorry? Ask for forgiveness?

[twice_shy]

Yup. Nothing is ever their friggin fault and if it is they are just giving men their just desserts. I am proud to say I am a misogynist at this point.

 

Woggle, you never said, how are things going with your wife. Is she still pretty much trustworthy? Or did something happen to make you doubt her?

[shakenandstirred]

I am curious: did you ever convey your guilt/regret to the person you wronged? Say you're sorry? Ask for forgiveness?

 

many times..I'm still married to her

[twice_shy]

many times..I'm still married to her

 

I guess I'm confused. If you were the one who cheated, why are you jaded on women? Especially if she stayed with you after you cheated?

[shakenandstirred]

I guess I'm confused. If you were the one who cheated, why are you jaded on women? Especially if she stayed with you after you cheated?

She cheated too. we were separated when this occurred. I feel really horrible about that part of my life. So much so that I never dwelled on her infidelity. Just the fact that I was so stupid to do it. I'm jaded because of the ideals I had about women. I realized that I was immature to do what I did, but I held women to a higher standard. Reading these forums has led me to see that we really aren't that different. That's where I've become jaded. My infidelity was 6 years ago. I've been faithful ever since.

[D-Lish]

Do you think people come onto this site to say "my life is happy and I am not a cheater"?

 

You're despondent because you are hearing the negative stories. People don't lament when things are good... People "dish" dirt- not success.

 

Women cheat- men cheat... people do some horrible things. The horrible things are often more interesting to read and write... because that is what people want to hear!

 

I have never cheated... does that mean anything? Probably not.

I would never start a post saying "I am not a cheater"... but regardless- that is a reality for many of us in the way we treat life and relationships. It just wouldn't make for interesting fodder...would it?

 

If Maury Povich did a show on "really good people with a perfect track record"... who would tune in?

[Trialbyfire]

She cheated too. we were separated when this occurred. I feel really horrible about that part of my life. So much so that I never dwelled on her infidelity. Just the fact that I was so stupid to do it. I'm jaded because of the ideals I had about women. I realized that I was immature to do what I did, but I held women to a higher standard. Reading these forums has led me to see that we really aren't that different. That's where I've become jaded. My infidelity was 6 years ago. I've been faithful ever since.

Why would you hold anyone to a higher standard than yourself? If anything your bar for yourself should be sky-high and everyone else's, at a more reasonable level.

[shakenandstirred]

Do you think people come onto this site to say "my life is happy and I am not a cheater"?

 

You're despondent because you are hearing the negative stories. People don't lament when things are good... People "dish" dirt- not success.

 

Women cheat- men cheat... people do some horrible things. The horrible things are often more interesting to read and write... because that is what people want to hear!

 

I have never cheated... does that mean anything? Probably not.

I would never start a post saying "I am not a cheater"... but regardless- that is a reality for many of us in the way we treat life and relationships. It just wouldn't make for interesting fodder...would it?

 

If Maury Povich did a show on "really good people with a perfect track record"... who would tune in?

 

I can't help but agree with you D-Lish. I am despondent from just reading the negative aspects here. Like I've said before, this has just been an awakening for me.

 

It's true, people like dirt. The guilty pleaures. Thank you for postings

[shakenandstirred]

Why would you hold anyone to a higher standard than yourself? If anything your bar for yourself should be sky-high and everyone else's, at a more reasonable level.

 

I'm pretty confident in myself. I have been very successful at my job, people always say that I'm approachable and easy to talk to. Things like that.I'm southern so most of us were taught to respect a woman and be polite. You know, opening doors, pulling out the chair for her to sit down. Standing when she approaches the table. Walking on the outside of the sidewalk so she won't get splashed with water or harmed. Growing up with these morals make you cherish and honor women. Hold them to a higher standard. On another note I was raised by my mom only. My only home authority figure from the age of 5. I guess this plays in too.

I really put women first because I thought they deserved it and most do. But after coming here and reading what a lot of them were capable of just tore down my London Bridge. I still love women, still will honor them, but I will always know that some can be just as unfaithful as men.

[Woggle]

I don't hold women to a higher standard than myself. I actually expect them to use a man up and spit him out while blaming him for everything. I am pleasntly surprised when a woman is actually a faithful and loving partner. It's like finding a hundred dollar bill on the ground.

[shakenandstirred]

I don't hold women to a higher standard than myself. I actually expect them to use a man up and spit him out while blaming him for everything. I am pleasntly surprised when a woman is actually a faithful and loving partner. It's like finding a hundred dollar bill on the ground.

Finding a hundred dollar billl on the ground is about as likely as winning the lottery, possible but extremely rare.

Wow..your misogynist status has just been validated to me by that statement.

[Woggle]

Finding a hundred dollar billl on the ground is about as likely as winning the lottery, possible but extremely rare.

Wow..your misogynist status has just been validated to me by that statement.

 

That's how hard it is to find a good woman.

[angie2443]

I can't help but agree with you D-Lish. I am despondent from just reading the negative aspects here. Like I've said before, this has just been an awakening for me.

 

It's true, people like dirt. The guilty pleaures. Thank you for postings

 

I'm going to take a more positive view of this. I don't think it's always that people like dirt. I think when people are going through a painful situation, they don't want to feel alone. They want to know that others are in the same boat. This is a good thing really. If you see others struggling through what you're going through, it gives you someone to relate to. Also, you can watch how they resolve their problems and work out your own from their.

 

Sometimes these boards get me down to. That's when I know I have to take a break, and when I come back, just focus on the threads where people are making positive changes for themselves. Also, if every once in a blue moon your advice helps someone, it makes comming here worth it.

[Lizzie60]

Despite what we read on these forums.. I am still 150% convinced that MOST men cheat.. and MOST women DON'T...

 

The gap is huge.. women have less opportunity to cheat.. they take care of the kids, the house, etc.. Sex is not on their mind as much as men... that's a fact..

 

I have never cheated ...

[shakenandstirred]

I'm going to take a more positive view of this. I don't think it's always that people like dirt. I think when people are going through a painful situation, they don't want to feel alone. They want to know that others are in the same boat. This is a good thing really. If you see others struggling through what you're going through, it gives you someone to relate to. Also, you can watch how they resolve their problems and work out your own from their.

 

Sometimes these boards get me down to. That's when I know I have to take a break, and when I come back, just focus on the threads where people are making positive changes for themselves. Also, if every once in a blue moon your advice helps someone, it makes comming here worth it.

 

I have given advice on these boards too, some good and some bad. It does feel good to help someone in a little despair. I do agree that this has a positive aspect as well. A lot of people come here for help, but a lot come just to see the drama. Right now I guess I need a help with these feelings.

[shakenandstirred]

Despite what we read on these forums.. I am still 150% convinced that MOST men cheat.. and MOST women DON'T...

 

The gap is huge.. women have less opportunity to cheat.. they take care of the kids, the house, etc.. Sex is not on their mind as much as men... that's a fact..

 

I have never cheated ...

 

I agree to a point. This is where I disagree:

 

Women are in the workplace now where they can always hook up with a co worker just like men do

 

Women are at home with the kids, but there is always down time to squeeze in an affair. (kids at school, kids asleep or for the real heinous act...lock kids in the room, I have heard of this being done)

There are SAHM (stay at home moms) but they are not as common as they were years ago. Todays household requires almost 3 incomes now to survive if you are not making 6 figures. That means wife or girlfriend is working along with the husband or boyfriend working.

Most affairs start in the workplace.

And if you believe that mostly men cheat; who are they cheating with if they are not gay? Another woman...who sometimes if not most of the time has a husband or boyfriend.

 

Big ups to you for not cheating though

[Lizzie60]

I agree to a point. This is where I disagree:

 

Women are in the workplace now where they can always hook up with a co worker just like men do

 

Women are at home with the kids, but there is always down time to squeeze in an affair. (kids at school, kids asleep or for the real heinous act...lock kids in the room, I have heard of this being done)

There are SAHM (stay at home moms) but they are not as common as they were years ago. Todays household requires almost 3 incomes now to survive if you are not making 6 figures. That means wife or girlfriend is working along with the husband or boyfriend working.

Most affairs start in the workplace.

And if you believe that mostly men cheat; who are they cheating with if they are not gay? Another woman...who sometimes if not most of the time has a husband or boyfriend.

 

Big ups to you for not cheating though

 

I agree that most affairs start at the work place.. but I'm still convinced that women, in general, can resist temptation much more than men can...

 

I'm not talking about SAHM... I'm talking about ALL women.

 

Men cheat.. not always with another married partner.. they often cheat with single or divorced women (women do not need a man ASAP like men do)..

[porter218]

And if you believe that mostly men cheat; who are they cheating with if they are not gay? Another woman...who sometimes if not most of the time has a husband or boyfriend.

 

I have to disagree with this comment. After my Hs A I did a lot of research on As and most of these books say that MM tend to choose single women to cheat with because they like someone who is available to them at short notice all hours of day or night. These books (and from what I have seen in real life) say that the MM usually allow the OW to date but usually they would end the A if the OW took on a bf because the MM needs access to her house for the A, and makes it impossible for her to have a real relationship. A taken woman makes an A too complicated.

[Lizzie60]

I have to disagree with this comment. After my Hs A I did a lot of research on As and most of these books say that MM tend to choose single women to cheat with because they like someone who is available to them at short notice all hours of day or night. These books (and from what I have seen in real life) say that the MM usually allow the OW to date but usually they would end the A if the OW took on a bf because the MM needs access to her house for the A, and makes it impossible for her to have a real relationship. A taken woman makes an A too complicated.

 

I totally agree with that.. I've met MM that were only looking for single women for the reason you stated.. plus they don't want to pay for hotel rooms all the time.. a single woman have her own place... plus she's available on short notice.. while a married woman has kids, husband, work.. etc.. and to manage for time for an A is very complicated.

 

Plus if they get caught.. he doesn't have to deal with an angry husband.

 

He knows that most likely, his W will forgive him and keep him.. and once the dust has settled down.. he will go on again..

[Mustang Sally]

I really use to think that mostly men cheat and that was bad enough. Since I have been coming here and to other forums I have since realized that women are just as bad as men. They are even craftier at the deception. Don't get me wrong, men can be selfish egotistical pigs and even diabolical with the cheating. Women can be just as devious and even worse. I use to look at women and think they are God's most beautiful creation. Now I wonder which woman is not cheating on her man.

Men have always look at women to be their rational part. The one to keep them in line. I'm left shrugging my shoulders and saying the only one you can trust is God to keep you in line at this point. I know that there are women out there who haven't and won't cheat. But there are many that are, just like the men.

I've been guilty of cheating myself and regret it so badly. I will never do it again. So I'm not pointing fingers, just coming to a very sorrowful awakening:(

Hmmm.

Sounds to me like you had/have a lot of maturing to do, judging by your ideas on men and women.

 

Friend, PEOPLE are imperfect beings. Some manifest this as iinfidelity. Others commit tax fraud, others are religious hypocrites, others beat their children, others lie to themselves, some never signal when making turns and lane changes, etc., etc., etc. ad infinitum.

 

Look at the bright side: it is (no doubt) high time you woke up and smelled the coffee that we ALL have some degree of weakness. You really set yourself up for disillusionment and failure in human relationships if you continue to go around thinking that any gender has a corner on the market of "Goodness and Purity" over another...

 

Good luck with that.

[twice_shy]

She cheated too. we were separated when this occurred. I feel really horrible about that part of my life. So much so that I never dwelled on her infidelity. Just the fact that I was so stupid to do it. I'm jaded because of the ideals I had about women. I realized that I was immature to do what I did, but I held women to a higher standard.

 

Well apparantly they hold themselves to a higher standard too. Afterall, their cheating is to be understood and there was something the man did wrong to lead them to cheat.

[twice_shy]

If Maury Povich did a show on "really good people with a perfect track record"... who would tune in?

 

Not to go off subject, BUT, I used to love watching the paternity/lie detector tests.

 

I remember a guy that took 2 hours to go to the store 4 blocks away just for some milk and bread(only a few items anyway)

 

He would come home, hair matted, sweaty, and he said he stopped off to play basketball at a court. His girlfriend never saw him play any kind of sport and 2 hours for a couple items, naturally she didn't believe him.

 

But when they asked him the questions, "did you have sex" or "did you cheat on ***** with another woman when you were suppose to be at the store"....he was telling the truth.

[twice_shy]

(women do not need a man ASAP like men do)..

 

I don't need a woman either. I am perfectly happy in my single life now. And having a ball with the friends my XW kept me from all these years.

 

If I find myself dating someone, as I just finished dating someone I don't care to date any longer, then fine, but I'm not looking for a woman.

[angie2443]

I have given advice on these boards too, some good and some bad. It does feel good to help someone in a little despair. I do agree that this has a positive aspect as well. A lot of people come here for help, but a lot come just to see the drama. Right now I guess I need a help with these feelings.

 

 

This is what is helping me. Some of the threads here go nowhere. What I mean is, the OP presents their problem, gets good advice, and then ignores it. When you find yourself on one of these threads, just leave and let it go. The OP will fix themselves at some point, but not now. Don't waste your engery there. It's like banging your head against a wall. Also, some posters, and you probably know who they are, are either very negative and/or nasty. Ignore them. Don't respond to them. I know it can be hard to resist entering a fight with them, but it will only make it worse for you.

 

I think one thing that might help you now, is to leave this thread. I see many negative comments bieng made here and it's only going to make you feel worse.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm pretty confident in myself. I have been very successful at my job, people always say that I'm approachable and easy to talk to. Things like that.I'm southern so most of us were taught to respect a woman and be polite. You know, opening doors, pulling out the chair for her to sit down. Standing when she approaches the table. Walking on the outside of the sidewalk so she won't get splashed with water or harmed. Growing up with these morals make you cherish and honor women. Hold them to a higher standard. On another note I was raised by my mom only. My only home authority figure from the age of 5. I guess this plays in too.

I really put women first because I thought they deserved it and most do. But after coming here and reading what a lot of them were capable of just tore down my London Bridge. I still love women, still will honor them, but I will always know that some can be just as unfaithful as men.

Being successful in career, doesn't make you successful in all aspects of life. Your bar should be set sky-high for you, emotionally and intellectually. You define yourself.

 

In cheating, you've lowered yourself. Now you seek to lower an entire gender. Is this a form of self-justification?

 

I've never cheated and will never cheat. This includes getting involved with any previously committed third parties. This is the bar I set for myself. Truth be told, this is the bar I set for any prospective partner. This includes crushes on previously committed persons, etc., etc.

 

My bar for a prospective partner has increased in height, since being cheated on. From what I've seen, most people aren't able to meet this bar, which is fine. I can be very patient in finding a partner, since I'm in no hurry to settle down, nvm having a relationship with anyone.

 

Having said all this, it doesn't make me blanket negate an entire gender. I have faith that I will find someone else who is of similar mindset and valuation of what a solid, lasting relationship should entail.