I need advice, a guys point of view may help

[Alana]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year and 4 months. We've been through a lot of things together and always supported each other in whatever we wanted to do. We constantly wanted to be together and from the day we met and saw each other almost everyday. In Novemeber we moved in together and the day after that he wound up getting offered a great job which we discussed because he would be working way more than the average human being if he took it. I knew after we were in the new apartment for a week that the excitement of being together was going to fade and I was right. We wound up breaking up a week before Christmas and we both agreed that we were going to try and work things out. We both went away for the Holidays and didn't see each other for almost 3 weeks. When he got back he said he missed me a lot and realized what was bothering him. He said he was just frustrated because I wasn't working and the cat was sleeping on the couch and that it was just all the little things that built up and on top of that he was working between 80-115 hours a week. We got along fine until his hours at work started building up again, and just this past Sunday he said he was moving out and he wanted to be good friends, which I was all for. He knew I wanted to break up so it was mutual. I'm wondering if all of this happened because of his work, my lack of work, and us moving in together played a part in the demise of our reltionship. Also I should add that the day we broke up we got along better than we had the whole time we lived together and had passionate sex that night, it felt like it did when we were dating. For the guys my question is, does he really want to be just frineds or his he just stressed out and needs time to himself. Sorry it's so long but any feedback would be great. P.S. I'm 20, he's 23

[james]

Alana, I have worked those kind of hours before and they can take a tole on a relationship, yet there are people I know that it doesen't hurt... My guess and it might not be right is to give it time and that will tell.. that is if you really care about this guy... if not move on... but then again if youn really care talk to him and give it time,, good luck.. james

My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year and 4 months. We've been through a lot of things together and always supported each other in whatever we wanted to do. We constantly wanted to be together and from the day we met and saw each other almost everyday. In Novemeber we moved in together and the day after that he wound up getting offered a great job which we discussed because he would be working way more than the average human being if he took it. I knew after we were in the new apartment for a week that the excitement of being together was going to fade and I was right. We wound up breaking up a week before Christmas and we both agreed that we were going to try and work things out. We both went away for the Holidays and didn't see each other for almost 3 weeks. When he got back he said he missed me a lot and realized what was bothering him. He said he was just frustrated because I wasn't working and the cat was sleeping on the couch and that it was just all the little things that built up and on top of that he was working between 80-115 hours a week. We got along fine until his hours at work started building up again, and just this past Sunday he said he was moving out and he wanted to be good friends, which I was all for. He knew I wanted to break up so it was mutual. I'm wondering if all of this happened because of his work, my lack of work, and us moving in together played a part in the demise of our reltionship. Also I should add that the day we broke up we got along better than we had the whole time we lived together and had passionate sex that night, it felt like it did when we were dating. For the guys my question is, does he really want to be just frineds or his he just stressed out and needs time to himself. Sorry it's so long but any feedback would be great. P.S. I'm 20, he's 23

[Shirley]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year and 4 months. We've been through a lot of things together and always supported each other in whatever we wanted to do. We constantly wanted to be together and from the day we met and saw each other almost everyday. In Novemeber we moved in together and the day after that he wound up getting offered a great job which we discussed because he would be working way more than the average human being if he took it. I knew after we were in the new apartment for a week that the excitement of being together was going to fade and I was right. We wound up breaking up a week before Christmas and we both agreed that we were going to try and work things out. We both went away for the Holidays and didn't see each other for almost 3 weeks. When he got back he said he missed me a lot and realized what was bothering him. He said he was just frustrated because I wasn't working and the cat was sleeping on the couch and that it was just all the little things that built up and on top of that he was working between 80-115 hours a week. We got along fine until his hours at work started building up again, and just this past Sunday he said he was moving out and he wanted to be good friends, which I was all for. He knew I wanted to break up so it was mutual. I'm wondering if all of this happened because of his work, my lack of work, and us moving in together played a part in the demise of our reltionship. Also I should add that the day we broke up we got along better than we had the whole time we lived together and had passionate sex that night, it felt like it did when we were dating. For the guys my question is, does he really want to be just frineds or his he just stressed out and needs time to himself. Sorry it's so long but any feedback would be great. P.S. I'm 20, he's 23

 

Hi!

 

The heavy work load is taking a toll on his energy level. My guess is that he really enjoys being with you. He just doesn't have the energy to deal with some of the stresses of the relationship. He wants to keep things fun. And he would also like it if you were there to comfort him. So this depends a lot on what you are able to handle. If you spend the day doing whatever you do, and demand his attention as soon as he gets home, he will probably get defensive. But if you comfort him, and do things to help him relax, he won't get stressed about not being able to fulfill your needs at that exact moment. He needs to know that you are glad to see HIM at the end of the day. And that you weren't just waiting for him to get home so you could bring up issues that need to be dealt with. Spending relaxing and fun time together will make both of you feel better about each other.

[Totally Confused]

Sounds like a case of too much too soon and not being ready for it. He had strong feelings for you, wanted to be with you, moved in and then felt suffocated. What's the rush at your age. You're too young to be fully committing yourself to such a serious relationship. I don't mean that you can't be committed to one person, but I mean moving in with someone. You're not even leagal age to drink yet.When peope live together and aren't married, it sometimes is a test of "If we live together first and can make it, then we'll be able to marry and live together for the rest of our lives." Well, one problem is when you live together and aren't married, you tend to be a bit more critical of the other person, cause you can be. It doesn't have to work out and you can move out whenever and there is no leagal stuff involved. When you're married, you have to make it work or at least try to. The little things won't bother you half as much (even if it normally would), because you now have a different mindset and you know if you let small stuff get to you, you'll go mad, so you become more tollerant.

 

This guy is too young. He got a job that was requiring a lot of time and energy. The nostalgia of moving in together shouldn't just wear off within the course of one week. Maybe 3 - 6 months, but not 1 week. If the small things were bothering him so soon, then there is another reason (and not the ones he's saying) that were REALLY bothering him. I think he freaked himself out and felt he got into something he didn't realize he was getting into. That's why when you two took time apart, he realized he missed you. I think he does like you, but he's not ready for the serious, serious overwhelming stuff. When he's away from you, the fear diminishes, but when he's back in the apartment, he freaks. When he says he wants to be friends - he means it. it's different when guys say it and girls sayit. Guys just break it off with women when they're not interest - none of this foofoo girl "lets be friends stuff". He wants to be friends, cause he doesn't know if he wants it to be over. He wants the option to be there to come back, because he knows he misses you when you're apart for a while. Then his feelings build again. What I suggest you do is to stop making it so intense and lighten up on the relationship. There's too much pressure and intensity going on here, that neither of you (at least not him) are ready for. Talk to him. Slow things down and be a friend to him until things naturally and slowly build up to a comfortable pace. Tell him that things happened to quickly and you care for him, but you both can work it out if you both learn to relax and enjoy each other. If you two make it and last a couple of years, then maybe you could consider moving in together. And get a job. Guys don't want a woman that justs sits at home and does nothing all day. It's boring. Take an interest in something. Go to school, get a part-time job, but don't give him the impression that you are going to rely on him to take care of you. I think he also saw a vision of things to come. He would be the provider and you would be the wife that sits at home, eats bon-bons and gets fat, while losing a zest for life. In the meantime, he's in a job that inspires him, gives him confidence and then he has to come home and look at you, sitting there with no goals or any ambition, basically giving him the impression that he is the center of your world and your only happiness. I'm not saying that this is definitely what it is, but it's a definite possibility.

 

Anyway, sits tight, be his friend, relax and see what happens. I hope everything works out for you.

[Alana]

ok, I just want to make it clear that I am a full time student and also worked part time until I started going to school, I have plenty of interests that I'm involved in and I do not rely on him for money at all. He does not support me monetarily. Our descision to move in together wasn't a "let's take the next step in our relationship" it was "damn rent is really expensive here in Palm Beach". So I just wanted to make those things clear, we didn't have life plans because we knew it was too soon to even think about that stuff. Thank You

[Totally Confused]

Easy slugger, no need to get defensive. I just gave you advice, that you asked for, based on the info you gave. If you want people to get your entire story straight, then you should relay all the facts, otherwise you are going to get as many different interpretations as there are people on this earth. You don’t have to take my advice or even listen to it if you don’t want to. You're the one that made it seem like he was upset that you didn't have a job...

 

“He said he was just frustrated because I wasn't working...” is quote, unquote what you said verbatum.

 

How am I supposed to assume you are a full time student (I just gave my opinion on what you gave people to work with.) If that’s the case, then it’s going to be pretty hard to get a full time job (a little demanding on his part). Your 20 and for what ever reason you two moved in together, it was obviously too much too soon, as proof...as soon as you moved in together you two fell apart.(This of course is my opinion).

 

If you feel that I am totally wrong that’s fine, but I took the time to write and try to give you advice with no malicious intentions what-so-ever. If are going to shoot down any one persons advice, then you obviously aren’t open to other people’s opinions and therefore must obviously already have the answers and don’t need advice.

 

Good luck with your situation and I hope everything works out, whatever the reason may be.

[Alana]

My intentions have apparently been misunderstood. I just wanted to let everybody know that in my initial posting I made it sound like I do nothing all day and wanted to clear that up so it wouldn't be misinterpereted. Once again, any feedback is greatly appreciated.