A fool to try to go back??

[Zebraheaded1]

First off, hello everyone. I'm new here. I came across this site today, read some of the threads...and I feel like this is a great community going here, and that perhaps I could find some help.

 

So, here's my story, it's complex, but I'll try for brevity.

 

September '07, I meet this girl, H. We hit it off immediately on our first date, and feel incredibly comfortable with each other. We start dating regularly right away...within two weeks, we've "titled" things and focused on each other. At this point, H tells me something which she feels is only fair to know before going further. She's a widow. (We're both 26 at this time, btw) Her husband had died in a car accident 19ish months before. They'd been married about 4 years, and before that been together throughout college.

 

Anyways, at first I was concerned that I may fall into a few traps I could think so...feeling as if I'd need to 'live up to him', feeling like I would always be compared...etc. However, I never did. Honestly, it didn't effect me negatively, we'd actually have discussions about him, her therapy, and how she deals with it frequently.

 

Our budding relationship progressed well over the next couple months, with frequent integration into each other's social circles, romantic getaway trips, etc. My friends loved her, her friends loved me, everything was great.

 

Then, mid-November, she suddenly asks if we can "pull back" on the rleationship some, and just date. Her anxiety-attacks had been flaring up (something she'd had for a bout a year after her husband's passing), and she felt it was brought along by our relationship making her already busy life that much more busy. I agreed, as I care deeply for this girl, and can't even imagine what she goes through in her grieving process. So, I give her the benefit of the doubt in such cases.

 

We see each other and talk once or twice a week the next couple weeks, then Thanksgiving comes around, and she seems more eager to see me again...a romantic date and spending the night, frequent calls, etc. Then a few days later we're scheduled for dinner (for my bday...but not *on* it)...and she cancels last minute after an..."unexpected call from her doctor" (quotes for delicate handling of the type of news, not trustworthyness. it was a genuine call). I was concerned and suggested canceling the date and just staying in. She said she needed time to herself, and I pushed. I was at fault here, I tried to hard to "be there".

 

That conversation ends with her saying she has to rethink our situation, and she'd call me back. Four days later I get an email saying she can't do this, she can't be friends or anything, that she's "pulling in" on her life...cutting out all but her inner circle, focusing on work and the closest people. Within a few emails back and forth I get: A) she will not talk to me on the phone B) she is not having her mind changed. Im then blocked from all contact...phone calls arent answered, instant messengers are blocked, social networking websites the same.

 

I finally just step back and let it go for the time. Give her what space she needs. I have confidence in our connection, so maybe she needs time. Maybe fooling myself, but I felt strongly that our relationship ended up being too much for her at a time when she wasn't ready for a strong connection yet, and she ran from it. I couldn't rationalize the complete removal from her life otherwise.

 

Over the next few months, I don't try to contact her at all, other than to send a brief 'happy holidays' email, and try to casually initiate contact in Feb with a "how are you?" email. However, I don't know if she uses that email anymore.

 

Ive dated a couple women since then, thought I was over H, realized I wasnt a couple times. Then a few weeks ago, I realize that I need to do something to move from the limbo I'm in.

 

So, I deicide to write her a letter, over my chest, place my heart there and stick it in the envelope. No bows, nothing hidden, just straight out. How I feel about things, and what I want. I send this last week.

 

I tell a friend about this after...and he informs me that he saw on on of those social networking sites, that she is currently dating someone. (which if I had known, I wouldn't have sent my letter)

 

So, there I am now.

 

One week, and no response from her.

 

Am I completely fooling myself by thinking it's possible that after all this time, she still may have been running from her feelings for me?

 

Would I be completely rude to try to initiate contact another way if she doesn't say anything after like two weeks?

 

I just need outside opinions on this since my friends have basically all settled into the "She's a bitch, screw it" or "I'd love to see you happy, but don't want your hopes crushed" crowds.

 

Opinions? Advice?

 

I still have very deep feelings for this girl, and anything would be worth the effort...if I knew she was still receptive to it.

[foxh1234]

I hate to say it man, but if she doesn't respond to the letter and you know she has another BF, I would let her go and move on. I know you don't want to hear that but, if she wanted to be with you, she would be. Instead she is with someone else. Let it go and find someone else. Sorry to be blunt, I know how you feel. My ex moved on with someone else and it is really hard to accept.

[critter909]

This letter seems like your last attempt also. Wait a little to see if she responds but it sounds like she has moved on. Especially since she told you she couldn't handle having a relationship etc. and has a new BF?

[Zebraheaded1]

Thanks, that advice definitely realistically feels right.

 

I think the problem I have is just when people don't react in ways that I do, and when I can't fathom myself doing such things; I have trouble allowing myself to believe that someone I cared so much for, and who showed so much compassion for others while we were together...could now act so drastically different.

 

Like, I've had exes contact me before, even ones where I've been royally screwed over or cheated on...and I've still had the compassion to at least speak with them about things. If they feel strongly enough to contact me, I should respect that by giving them a chance to put themselves at ease.

 

I know sometimes there just is no answer for "Why?"...but yet, I still always want the answer.

[americanrevgirl]

Seems like you have done everything you can do to let her know your feelings and intentions. Seems clear that no response is an answer. Move on & try to forget. It will happen eventually! Good luck.

[ButtHead]

Thanks, that advice definitely realistically feels right.

 

I think the problem I have is just when people don't react in ways that I do, and when I can't fathom myself doing such things; I have trouble allowing myself to believe that someone I cared so much for, and who showed so much compassion for others while we were together...could now act so drastically different.

 

Like, I've had exes contact me before, even ones where I've been royally screwed over or cheated on...and I've still had the compassion to at least speak with them about things. If they feel strongly enough to contact me, I should respect that by giving them a chance to put themselves at ease.

 

I know sometimes there just is no answer for "Why?"...but yet, I still always want the answer.

 

I know exactly how you feel. I mean at one point, my ex and I loved each other equally. I can't understand how she can get over me so fast after meeting someone else. Everyone here has a lot of trouble getting past someone they love and, yet, my ex, who I know loved me, seems to already be over me. I just don't get it. I give myself false hopes all the time thinking she thinks like me.