running out of ideas

[mattea]

hello loveshack gang,

 

just a word of caution - i'm feeling a bit frustrated and discouraged tonight! could use some perspective here!

 

my boyfriend and i were together in the same city for 1.5 years, broke up for a time when he first moved away, but 10 months later the feelings were all still there and we got back together long distance.

 

he's kind of got me mystified right now. mainly, i'm frustrated with the amount of contact (or lack there of). a couple of times i've told him that it is hard for me when we go 4 or 5 days with no contact at all (no email, no phone, no nothing). he's been very responsive on the couple of occassions i've told him this and then he starts making more contact for awhile until it drops down again.

 

recently i told him again about some of my anxieties. again he was very responsive. told him i wanted to be more a part of each other's daily life, hated playing "phone tag" because we haven't set aside time for us to talk and don't know each other's plans. told him even just little emails or 10 minute phone calls helped me when we didn't have more time (both very busy). he agreed that we should try to be in each other's daily lives more.

 

since he said all this i've tried to move forward with what we discussed -little emails, call him to say good night, etc. he's been largely unresponsive, doesn't pick up when i call him at night, then calls me in the morning when he knows i am at work??? why say he agrees we ought to be in more reg. contact and then go the other way with it???? it is hard for me to be understanding if he is just busy because he has not articulated anything to me about what is going on for him in his life right now.

 

i'm having the hardest time tonight. i just finished a final and my first year of taking a night class toward the goal of a possible career change. when he was doing finals, i was SO verbal of how proud i was of him he hasn't called to ask how it went, say congrats, nothing. no "good luck" email or text or anything before. often times *he* calls *me* right after he finishes a test or something, so i thought of calling him. but when i called him the other night (after i finished a different final) he didn't answer and didn't call back til the next morning (when i was at work), offering no reason why. he's done this a couple times lately so i am a little hesitant to call him as it is disappointing getting voicemail and no return call.

 

now i'm getting paranoid, wondering if he's backing off, if there is someone else, etc. long distance relationships are so hard - ugh!

 

what do i do here? back off? keep trying to reach out to him? i hate to play games, but right now i'm starting to feel like being unavailable since it feels to me like he so often is. i wish he'd call and ask about my test, but it's getting late and looks unlikely. would call him but don't want to go through him not answering and me wondering what he's up to that he can't pick up (again).

[lonelyindistance]

hi mattea,

 

sorry to hear about your frustrations...if he doesn't give you a reason why he doesn't pick up at night, have you ever asked him?

 

have you ever brought up that he does a good job of connecting right after you ask him, but it wanes every time? and ask him why that may be on his end. and state any reasons about your end? if there are any...

 

l

[HisLove]

My reply probably won't be helpful. I would end up digging my heels in and seeing how long it would take him to come looking for me if I ceased all contact.

 

This serves two purposes for me - it gives him a chance to pick up the ball if he's dropped it; and secondly it reinforces to me that I can survive a minute, an hour, a day, a week without chasing him. If I was the last one to make contact...it's up to him to get back to me.

[Maggs]

See I wouldn't be doing any kind of a long distance relationship if that was all the communication there was. Communication is all you have in an LDR! How often do you get to see each other? Because if it's week or months apart, then the communication is even that much more important. Even if it's just for 5 min. a day some days, but I think it's very important to speak everyday. Even just a quick text or an email. Can you be doing that?

[Lucky_One]

How often do you see him? How far apart are you? Do you go there? Do you know his friends, and when you visit, are you a part of his "group"?

 

Sounds like he has "other things" to do at night.

[EMBeee]

I have been going through pretty much the same thing as you are... communication is slacking on his part. At first, i would panick because it seemed like we didn't talk as much and that he was always tired... blah blah blah. It's getting to the point now where I am feeling very good about myself that it doesn't bother me anymore not to talk to him as much. I do miss him dearly though. I know that my man is very busy and if he doesn't pick up one night (like last night) then I just assume he's sleeping. I know my man isn't cheating but there is a part of me that thinks I am not too important in his life since he doesn't want to talk to me and see how my daily life is coming along. I really do wish I knew what was going on in his.

 

I never expect texts from him anymore since they have dwindled down to pretty nothing. I'm extremely lucky if we talk 3 nights in a row at even 10 mins at a time. This is all coming from talking EVERY night for 3 hours at a time... down to pretty much nada!! I know exactly how frustrating it is!! I've been through my panick phase, but now after 3 weeks of dwindled contact (he doesn't send emails either) I guess I'm getting the hang of it and am starting to live my life normally again instead of always trying to keep tabs on him and what not.

 

So I say... just wait it out and see what happens. Men are so very different with communication then woman are. We are the ones to wonder, worry, think all the time about what they're doing and hopefully they are ok... when on their end they are just living life like they normally do and don't even have a clue how much panic they put us through.

 

I've gotten to the point where I will call him at my regular time every night and if there is no response, then that's the only chance he gets to talk to me to see how I'm doing for the day... unless he returns my call, in most cases he does... but lately (like last night) he doesn't

[torranceshipman]

I don't think distance is the problem-it's his attitude...the time when you had achieved so much and he couldn't even be bothered to congratulate you or give you a call....thats so disrespectful and sounds like he couldn't care less. He doesn't sound like he's very invested...he's not making any real effort and its clearly hurting you a lot. I know it's easy for me to say, but the best thing would be to end it and move on....when you have a guy who lives close, who is interested in you, etc, you'll feel SO good and appreciate those good times even more because of what you had to put up with with this guy. Btw I was in an LDR for a couple of years a long time ago, so I know how you feel...but I know that distance is also no excuse for his silence.

[mattea]

hi all,

 

i wanted to say - thanks for all your responses. just an update - he did call that night, not long after i posted my message, to find out how my final went. he was still trying to make his way home. he worked his internship during the day, then had to go work with a partner on a school project.

 

i'm feeling better, though i really would like our communication to be more "regular".

[mattea]

hi mattea,

 

sorry to hear about your frustrations...if he doesn't give you a reason why he doesn't pick up at night, have you ever asked him?

 

have you ever brought up that he does a good job of connecting right after you ask him, but it wanes every time? and ask him why that may be on his end. and state any reasons about your end? if there are any...

 

l

 

Nope, I haven't asked him why he didn't pick up the couple times I called him recently in the evening. I just don't want it to turn into the "where were you!?!?", not trusting him kind of thing. if it continues to happen, i will ask.

 

there was one time he called me and i didn't call him back til the next day cause i'd fallen asleep and left my phone in the other room and when i got his message it seemed late. could be something as simple as that with him, although he doesn't let me know that.

 

i'm going to see him next weekend, so i'm hoping to talk to him more in person about how we can make staying in contact work for both of us.

[mattea]

My reply probably won't be helpful. I would end up digging my heels in and seeing how long it would take him to come looking for me if I ceased all contact.

 

This serves two purposes for me - it gives him a chance to pick up the ball if he's dropped it; and secondly it reinforces to me that I can survive a minute, an hour, a day, a week without chasing him. If I was the last one to make contact...it's up to him to get back to me.

 

yeah, i can relate to this. it is more frustrating for me to contact him and not get a response as soon as i hope for than it is to just let him contact me. he will do it "on his own", just not as often as i might like. i do think a large part of that is how ridiculously busy he is, but since i'm not there it isn't always easy for me to understand that or know what is going on.

[mattea]

See I wouldn't be doing any kind of a long distance relationship if that was all the communication there was. Communication is all you have in an LDR! How often do you get to see each other? Because if it's week or months apart, then the communication is even that much more important. Even if it's just for 5 min. a day some days, but I think it's very important to speak everyday. Even just a quick text or an email. Can you be doing that?

 

yeah, i tend to feel that way too - that i want contact most days even if it is just a little hello. i know he doesn't have the same needs, so i'm trying to find a way to get through to him how much it would mean to me. we see each other about once a month.

[mattea]

How often do you see him? How far apart are you? Do you go there? Do you know his friends, and when you visit, are you a part of his "group"?

 

Sounds like he has "other things" to do at night.

 

i see him about once a month. he's been here twice, i've been there once and i'm going again next weekend. we've only been together long distance about 3 months now.

 

yes, when i went there i met one of his new best friends and several of his other friends from school at a party. and we had tentative plans to meet with his cousin and his cousin's wife, but ran out of time. i know lots of his friends from when he lived here, have met a lot of people in his family, etc. so yeah, he includes me in that stuff.

 

i think the other things he typically has to do involve school work. the socializing doesn't happen for him that much because of all the things he's taken on for school. it's summer, but in addition to his internship he has several projects, editing for a law journal, etc. you have to make yourself stand out in law school, i guess, and he's typically slammed with work. he tells me about it all, so i usually know what he's working on.

 

sometimes he does get the chance to socialize a bit, and he usually tells me about that too. the other night when i called him he was out socializing and didn't answer. but i left a kind of concerned message and then he did call back pretty quickly and talked to me for awhile. he was asking lots of questions then too about what my concerns were about my upcoming final, in spite of the fact that he was out with a group he was asking me all about that. so i do think he cares.

[EMBeee]

Well, it's now been 2 full days and nights that I haven't heard from my LD bf. I was doing so good until just now. I wasn't worrying or anything like that was actually enjoying some quiet time. But now I really miss him ALOT! I tried calling him the last 2 nights at my regular time (he knows what time I am to call him) and there was no answer nor did he ever call me back. I have to call his home phone because his cellphone is cut off for the moment. Usually his mom answers and then she'll let him know I called, but she didn't answer either. I guess I am just really missing him right now. Just feeling really down because I haven't heard from him. I guess I'll just be waiting by the phone. I am not going to attempt to call him this time. He should know by now that I have been trying to call him. It's really hard to not dial his number because I really really miss him right now. But when I don't hear from him for long periods of time, I feel that my day is ruined and then I ruin everyone else's day as well. I am supposed to be going out with my friend tomorrow night and i have been so excited about it for the whole week... but now I feel like I don't even want to go because I'll just make her night a downer since I won't be much fun and I'll be down myself.

 

This is the very first time we've ever went 2 nights (3 tonight if I don't hear from him) without any type of contact. I feel like downing a bottle of tequila all to myself. I just feel so worthless and unimportant.

 

Thanks for listening anyways