Why are we all so f*cked?

[l0stMike]

I haven't logged in for a couple months after making "my post" as all of you have. My story is like most other people's on this brilliant idea of a forum. We broke up, she stopped talking to me completely, I didn't know why, I got f*cked up over it, I finally stopped giving a sh*t about it 9 months later (January 2008), I dated someone else, it could be serious, but sometimes when I'm with that girl, I compare her to my ex, and I still think about my ex every day. To 85-90% of the people on this forum, sounds familiar, right?

 

Honestly, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

 

We all have the same stories. We all look for the same advice. Most of the time, we get the same advice. After my five month absence from writing my post, I spent that time finding a girl that I could potentially be with and trying to move on with said girl. I then come back here because I've been thinking about my ex lately. I guess I'm curious to see if anyone has any new stories that are similar to what I'm going through at this current time as opposed to what I went through all of last year. I search valiantly through posts trying to find a place where I can sit, read, and relate. I feel so stupid. As you can see, nothing has changed much with me other than the fact that I've learned to deal and cope with what I am able and unable to do about my situation. These forums haven't changed much either, if at all.

 

"Move on buddy, she's not worth your time." says one. "I've been there too, man. I made the same mistakes and I'd do anything to get her back." says another. "You sound like a great guy. Your ex must be a moron." says a girl (I hope).

 

This type of advice is so cliche anymore. I've just gotten so disgusted with talking and thinking about what happened to me and how I had to deal with it, and this type of advice, as good as it may or may not be, it just doesn't help at all. I've heard it countless times from people in real life. I'm sure most of you have, too. And when you hear it in real life, it's not the answer you're looking for, so you turn to all of us 14-60 year old Internet therapists in an attempt to find someone who will tell you what you want to hear.

 

Guess what? The advice is still the same. It's a sad state of affairs really. Regardless of what your epic story is (I thought mine was too, I've been there), regardless of how much you yearn for your ex to come running back into your open arms Notebook style, regardless of how much you wish you could press a red button on your desk and warp to 2006 when you "were happy; the only time you were truly happy", regardless of how much you want to escape the mundane, loveless life you're living now, regardless of who broke NC and who didn't break NC and how much time has passed since C, everything is still the same. Everyone on here still gives the same advice. Everyone in real life still gives the same advice. I don't mean to sound cold-hearted, but what is the point of all of this? Is it just a vent that never gets us to point B? An open, unbiased avenue for all of us to release our innermost emotions without being judged by anything but our ability to textually convey our true feelings? Does anyone ever get tired of all this unsolvable unhappiness? Why do things have to be this way to the point where we use a website like this?

 

The worst part is, the people who exist in these heartbroken states and ask for this type of advice are most of the time too reluctantly in love with their former lives to listen to it. Point and case, me.

 

Well, formerly me I guess, because I just got sick of asking for advice already. I just took the matter into my own hands and realized that as happy as I was with my ex and as much as I changed myself in a vain attempt to "make her happy after we broke up, to show her I am capable of change", it just didn't matter at all. She didn't care anymore. Maybe she does in some remote, dusty, rat-filled corner of the theoretical attic in her mind, but as hard as I tried and tried and tried to get her back, nothing worked. Nothing mattered. All I did was learn from it and now I know how to act and how to play the breakup game.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm a better person because of EVERYTHING that has happened to me considering my ex, and I'll never regret any of it, but my situation with my ex is no better and no worse. It's exactly the same. The ignorance that she purposely inflicts (or inflicted I should say, because this is when I cared what she thought about me) is still an elephant in the room when I think about it. It sucks, and I can't do anything about it anymore. I just have to learn to deal with the fact that I lost the first, and hopefully not the last, person that I was truly in love with.

 

So my question to all of you is, when does it all end? Does anyone ever get back with their ex's after a year's time? Does anyone just ever stop thinking about their ex? Where do all of these waterfall tears, remorseful thoughts, and decibel-blastings of "Kelly Clarkson - Behind These Hazel Eyes" lead us in the end? Anywhere?

 

There was an article in Dear Abby last year. A man who was 40-something and happily married with two kids wrote in and asked a question. He goes, and i don't quote, "Abby, I'm 40-something and happily married. But to this day, I still think about one of my ex's that I thought was the one. Is this wrong? How can I make it stop?"

 

It got me thinking. Does any of this ever stop? Or are we all just f*cked?

[ButtHead]

*sigh* I guess I can consider myself f*cked for now. 6 months after the breakup. Still talking to her, being friends. Being the best friend I can be without looking needy. And I still love her even though I know I probably won't get her back. My heart tells me I will so even though I know it's not likely, I think there's a good chance in the far future (I know, unlikely).

 

Nice post. Makes me think. I hope I stop thinking about my ex unlike that 40-year-old, but I think that's going to be me, unfortunately.

 

The forums are a good place to tell everyone how much in pain you're in without being too emo. In real life, people don't like to listen to too much of this stuff.

 

And it hurts.

 

Hopefully someone gives you a happier story. I also want to know if anyone actually got back with their ex or got over them completely, but if that were the case, I don't think they would have a need to post in the forum.

[mousse]

Hey lostmike,

 

I liked your post and you say some really true things in it.

 

I think you forget about an ex, until you find someone that makes you feel as happy as they did. Until that, you keep on thinking about them, often or not ( every day in my case, and it's been 1 year and half since the break up ), because nothing compares to that powerful experience. I don't believe that dating a person, just to forget them works : you have to be in love again to forget your ex.

[LikeCharlotte]

So my question to all of you is, when does it all end? Does anyone ever get back with their ex's after a year's time? Does anyone just ever stop thinking about their ex? Where do all of these waterfall tears, remorseful thoughts, and decibel-blastings of "Kelly Clarkson - Behind These Hazel Eyes" lead us in the end? Anywhere?

 

There was an article in Dear Abby last year. A man who was 40-something and happily married with two kids wrote in and asked a question. He goes, and i don't quote, "Abby, I'm 40-something and happily married. But to this day, I still think about one of my ex's that I thought was the one. Is this wrong? How can I make it stop?"

 

It got me thinking. Does any of this ever stop? Or are we all just f*cked?

LS has helped me very much. It is healthy to talk and write bout your feelings. Psychiatrists and therapists make a living because it is helpful. Not all advice is generic. Billions and billions of people have lived, loved and died on this planet. There is nothing new under the sun but that doesn't make the depth of YOUR human emotion or your experience less unique. I know I've never loved like Lord Byron or hurt like Sylvia Plath.

 

I think you have to really want to put it in the past. You have to actively seek to prepare yourself for something better. I feel pretty good. I've only been broken hearted once before and I learned how to make it stop the hard way. I suffered for years before I really faced it and let go. It's a conscious decision you have to make over and over until you are ready to meet someone better. That can never happen if you don't face it, learn from it and really put it behind you.

[kizik]

Mike,

 

that was an excellent post, and something that had to be said. I need to get off these boards, honestly. People have told me I'm honest and blunt, but aside from these things which I took as compliments, I'm not sure how much help this site has been.

 

I just don't have any goddamn friends, so I come here...

[WiseOne1]

Yea i agree, sometimes i wonder rather everytime i have a relationship problem will i end up running to LS.

 

LoveShack helps me though, id say 20%, the rest i have to do on my own.

Im guessing maybe its just to vent. And you wanna vent with the someone or people who have been thru the exact same or similiar issue.

 

I have friends, but none of them have every been in love, so they wouldnt be the best to ask for advice. Bassically LS is great because your bound to find someone who has a similiar story to yours and they can branch of some information.

 

After 2 messed up relationships, i know know when to look for red flags and i know how to settle into a relationship. For example, its this new girl that i liked, but she had red flags all around her!!!!!!!!!!

I could see myself in 9 months being back on LS asking for advice on our relationship, or saying that she had broken my heart. Lol I cut her short before we even got started.

 

I mean the ex BF issues that she informed me of and the similiraties between her and my exs were unbelievable....

 

And 98% of people on here are even trying to get over a ex, here just to help, or just to get a ex back. It really makes me think that why must we be the ones trying, are we f*cked? Thats exactly what i think sometimes.

[sultry33]

what a great post!

speaking for myself i came here initally as i was desperate for answers.. help anything.. my whole world had crashed and burned and i did not see anything clearly.. i cried all day and couldnt sleep or eat.. slept in the day.. not at night.

i was actually broken.

He was my best friend, my only friend.. he was my future.. my lifeline really, and i missed him so much.

I came here and read others posts cried more, but then after advice, some good to hear.. some not so good i thought im worth more than this..

somedays its still a struggle.. my family dont like him.. never liked anyone til i left them lol

my friends are really only friends i go clubbing with.. one is divorced 4 times.. no role model there.. she just says "next"..

 

i still believe i love him, still miss him.. still sometimes see him, but one thing i have learned is that no matter how much it hurts its heart warming to have others saying be strong.. i know your pain.. it get better..

gives us strength.. a problem shared.

 

also i think that maybe some months down the line you can look back at your posts and think.. im so glad im not in that place.. situation anymore.

 

we all really know the answers to our questions its just good to share and learn.. and also its great to be able to relate and give someone a listening ear when there world has crashed..

 

how many times have you sat there.. brought up your ex.. then all of a sudden the other person is busy.. noone like to hear it in real life.. move on they say!!

 

i think like another poster.. it ends when you find someone else.. just a scary thought that.. to me any how.

[upsetnhurt]

LostMike,

 

I do not know what transpired over your past relationship and what caused it to end, yet from the sounds of it, you have attempted to erase those memories of the ex by simply running into the arms of another person. Safe to say that it is entirely unfair of you to do that to another person as the current girl is probably a great gal and one that will eventually find herself in the same mental state as you when you eventually break up with her or can't offer the ultimate love that she and most people desire in life. What did you do to work through this pain of your past breakup? Did you seek professional help or did you rely on us Loveshackers to be your therapist (from the sounds of it you did)? You sound like your still depressed and really should seek some help and potentially get some medicine to even out your emotional state. I am curious as to why you think your ex was the best that you can find? Isnt the fact that she does not want to be with you anymore show you that she does not possess the one trait we all look for in a person, that being that they are totally in love with us? You have put your ex on a pedestal and she needs to come down. Sometimes, in order to take a step forward, you need to take a step back.

[Citizen Erased]

I admire the fact that it only took you a few months to figure this all out. Some people have been here for years and haven't figured it out.

 

You have to give the responders some credit. We see the same crap from literally hundreds of different people. All that think their story is special, and it almost never is. It is literally impossible to think up creative and thoughtful responses to each of them. So all you get is a cheer squad and the same boring unimaginative responses constantly.

 

I have had people confront me with the fact I only respond on the water cooler forum or on the more established member's threads. I just got sick and tired or repeating myself to a bunch of people that mainly don't actually want help, they want yes-men that agree with everything they say. "Yes, you should call your ex that left you for his ex girlfriend and got her pregnant now wants you back". Come on, of course you are going to get 10 posts about how you shouldn't call them, and then another 30 discussing whether the OP is a troll or not, why they haven't posted again, how stupid they are being, what they would do etc etc etc.

 

It is a shame that the few genuine people that actually want and need help get the same boring and tired responses but maybe if some people actually read the past threads on here we wouldn't all have to repeat ourselves. It would save alot of time for all parties concerned. The need to vent is understood, necessary. But there are people that don't even stay around after their one thread that they respond maybe once or twice to and then wander off never to be seen again. What the hell is the point I always ask myself.

 

I doubt it ever stops. In the 2 and a half years I have been here it certainly hasn't. And it will continue long after I, and the rest of us on here at this moment, leave. If not this site, there are a hundred others to take its place. We're all stuck waiting to see how our lives will end up and it is terrible and sad, but inevitable. Because life itself is f'd up.

[Citizen Erased]

With the exception of the pregnant girlfriend part, this is what I am talking about:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t155122/

 

Do you think if I respond to this girl she will listen to me? Or anyone else for that matter? I doubt it. After a few times on msn she will be ripe for the picking. Then, if she sticks around, shock horror! He has left her again!

 

That has been one thread in the 20 minutes since I posted. I'm going to bed shortly, when I come on here tomorrow morning I shudder to think how many more there will be.

[stlnsmile]

I just want to say that LS helped me a lot. It was more a forum for me to clear my own thoughts and get support while doing it. Those first days and weeks are unbearable, and I think anyone who says they didn't need LS and the support it provided to them during that time is lying. Just because you are not emotionally raw anymore, and can think clearly, and aren't barfing up your dinner, doesn't mean that others do not need the same support you received when you first came here.

 

As for the does it really help, yes it does. It helped hundreds and hundreds of people I am sure start trying to find a life for themselves the best way they could after the devistation of loosing the love of their life. It helped me, thats all I can say, and I did listen, and I did need encouragement. Does it really help you get over your lost love, no, you have to do that for yourself. No one can actually do the emotional work for you that you need to do to get over someone.

 

My love was my first love, do I think I will ever get over him completely, NO! No, I will always remember him and love him. At the same time, I am absolutely capable and willing to move on in my life knowing that I valued him more than he valued me. I think you guys are being really harsh and knocking LS when it was probably the one place that helped you in those first hours of physical and emotional nightmarish pain. When you could cry to no one else really or tell any one else really how your soul was ripped appart.

 

Why don't you try to give something genuin back to those on this site instead of knocking it? You say you are tired of pat responses, well get on, post, and don't give them. Help someone else instead of just yourself with the truth as much as you can offer and help?

 

It is hard not loving someone you love, there is no doubt about that, I don't even think its really about that, it is about accepting their choice. Respecting their choice. You can love them all you want, if they don't love you, what does it matter, that is their life choice, you respect it, you move on the best way you can, you remember them sometimes, you even wish it could have been different sometimes, and then you grab your pants, put them on, and get on with your day and your life.

[stlnsmile]

Posting about how people don't listen anyway, and they are whinning about the same things over and over again, is like saying a person who just lost their father to cancer is whinning and not listening. Grief is greif and everyone needs there own time to get over loosing a loved one. Don't you guys remember the first 48hrs. after you lost the love of your life??????????

[tommiw]

LostMike,

 

I do not know what transpired over your past relationship and what caused it to end, yet from the sounds of it, you have attempted to erase those memories of the ex by simply running into the arms of another person. Safe to say that it is entirely unfair of you to do that to another person as the current girl is probably a great gal and one that will eventually find herself in the same mental state as you when you eventually break up with her or can't offer the ultimate love that she and most people desire in life. What did you do to work through this pain of your past breakup? Did you seek professional help or did you rely on us Loveshackers to be your therapist (from the sounds of it you did)? You sound like your still depressed and really should seek some help and potentially get some medicine to even out your emotional state. I am curious as to why you think your ex was the best that you can find? Isnt the fact that she does not want to be with you anymore show you that she does not possess the one trait we all look for in a person, that being that they are totally in love with us? You have put your ex on a pedestal and she needs to come down. Sometimes, in order to take a step forward, you need to take a step back.

This is almost exactly what I thought. And I do agree that people tend to come over here just to get that support they wouldn't get from real life. In my case, I've learned alot from few people's replys and because of them, I'm almost the same guy mentally that I was before I even had the relationship I was left from: I'm happy, outgoing and WANTED again, but I still need some work because I still miss my ex (it has been only about 2 months) and I don't want to rush things because it could hurt me and someone else alot.

[americanrevgirl]

I'm sorry for the way you feel.

 

I can only say from where she is standing, she probably still has some feelings for you, but doesn't want to get involved again for one or many reasons. Maybe she doesn't want to risk getting dragged thru everything again, because it does take a chunk out of you that you can't get back. Might be involved with someone else now, who makes her secure and happy, might be she has gotten over it and put it behind her now.

 

Sometimes it is difficult to get over what might have been, when you can't seem to find a resolution. But sometimes just accepting that this is way things are, and that is it, can help.

[roghornio]

I haven't logged in for a couple months after making "my post" as all of you have. My story is like most other people's on this brilliant idea of a forum. We broke up, she stopped talking to me completely, I didn't know why, I got f*cked up over it, I finally stopped giving a sh*t about it 9 months later (January 2008), I dated someone else, it could be serious, but sometimes when I'm with that girl, I compare her to my ex, and I still think about my ex every day. To 85-90% of the people on this forum, sounds familiar, right?

 

Honestly, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

 

We all have the same stories. We all look for the same advice. Most of the time, we get the same advice. After my five month absence from writing my post, I spent that time finding a girl that I could potentially be with and trying to move on with said girl. I then come back here because I've been thinking about my ex lately. I guess I'm curious to see if anyone has any new stories that are similar to what I'm going through at this current time as opposed to what I went through all of last year. I search valiantly through posts trying to find a place where I can sit, read, and relate. I feel so stupid. As you can see, nothing has changed much with me other than the fact that I've learned to deal and cope with what I am able and unable to do about my situation. These forums haven't changed much either, if at all.

 

"Move on buddy, she's not worth your time." says one. "I've been there too, man. I made the same mistakes and I'd do anything to get her back." says another. "You sound like a great guy. Your ex must be a moron." says a girl (I hope).

 

This type of advice is so cliche anymore. I've just gotten so disgusted with talking and thinking about what happened to me and how I had to deal with it, and this type of advice, as good as it may or may not be, it just doesn't help at all. I've heard it countless times from people in real life. I'm sure most of you have, too. And when you hear it in real life, it's not the answer you're looking for, so you turn to all of us 14-60 year old Internet therapists in an attempt to find someone who will tell you what you want to hear.

 

Guess what? The advice is still the same. It's a sad state of affairs really. Regardless of what your epic story is (I thought mine was too, I've been there), regardless of how much you yearn for your ex to come running back into your open arms Notebook style, regardless of how much you wish you could press a red button on your desk and warp to 2006 when you "were happy; the only time you were truly happy", regardless of how much you want to escape the mundane, loveless life you're living now, regardless of who broke NC and who didn't break NC and how much time has passed since C, everything is still the same. Everyone on here still gives the same advice. Everyone in real life still gives the same advice. I don't mean to sound cold-hearted, but what is the point of all of this? Is it just a vent that never gets us to point B? An open, unbiased avenue for all of us to release our innermost emotions without being judged by anything but our ability to textually convey our true feelings? Does anyone ever get tired of all this unsolvable unhappiness? Why do things have to be this way to the point where we use a website like this?

 

The worst part is, the people who exist in these heartbroken states and ask for this type of advice are most of the time too reluctantly in love with their former lives to listen to it. Point and case, me.

 

Well, formerly me I guess, because I just got sick of asking for advice already. I just took the matter into my own hands and realized that as happy as I was with my ex and as much as I changed myself in a vain attempt to "make her happy after we broke up, to show her I am capable of change", it just didn't matter at all. She didn't care anymore. Maybe she does in some remote, dusty, rat-filled corner of the theoretical attic in her mind, but as hard as I tried and tried and tried to get her back, nothing worked. Nothing mattered. All I did was learn from it and now I know how to act and how to play the breakup game.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm a better person because of EVERYTHING that has happened to me considering my ex, and I'll never regret any of it, but my situation with my ex is no better and no worse. It's exactly the same. The ignorance that she purposely inflicts (or inflicted I should say, because this is when I cared what she thought about me) is still an elephant in the room when I think about it. It sucks, and I can't do anything about it anymore. I just have to learn to deal with the fact that I lost the first, and hopefully not the last, person that I was truly in love with.

 

So my question to all of you is, when does it all end? Does anyone ever get back with their ex's after a year's time? Does anyone just ever stop thinking about their ex? Where do all of these waterfall tears, remorseful thoughts, and decibel-blastings of "Kelly Clarkson - Behind These Hazel Eyes" lead us in the end? Anywhere?

 

There was an article in Dear Abby last year. A man who was 40-something and happily married with two kids wrote in and asked a question. He goes, and i don't quote, "Abby, I'm 40-something and happily married. But to this day, I still think about one of my ex's that I thought was the one. Is this wrong? How can I make it stop?"

 

It got me thinking. Does any of this ever stop? Or are we all just f*cked?

 

Read this i posted earlier.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t155128/

[sunshinegirl]

So my question to all of you is, when does it all end? Does anyone ever get back with their ex's after a year's time? Does anyone just ever stop thinking about their ex? Where do all of these waterfall tears, remorseful thoughts, and decibel-blastings of "Kelly Clarkson - Behind These Hazel Eyes" lead us in the end? Anywhere?

 

When? Not sure.

 

But it does end.

 

Someone asked for stories of getting over someone completely. I've got 3 such stories.

 

I've been in love four times, and I can say with utter confidence that I am 100% over the first three guys.

 

The first two were insanely difficult to get past - took me 1.5 years and 1 year to get over each of them, respectively.

 

The third one was hard to get over, but it was a respectful enough breakup that it took just a couple of months. And we are now friends.

 

This one? I feel like crap. It's been about 5 weeks. I loved him. BUT my rational side knows we had compatibility problems even before he cheated on me. So my rational brain knows I will get over him. There is no way he was my perfect match or "the one". I will not pine over him for the rest of my life. He didn't support me. He didn't communicate. He was shallow. He was selfish. He doesn't like people. None of these are qualities I want in a mate.

 

LS has helped me. I won't need LS forever. But I have gotten warm, caring, thoughtful comments and insights from people that have bolstered me in my weak moments and given me things to ponder in other moments.

[l0stMike]

This is almost exactly what I thought. And I do agree that people tend to come over here just to get that support they wouldn't get from real life. In my case, I've learned alot from few people's replys and because of them, I'm almost the same guy mentally that I was before I even had the relationship I was left from: I'm happy, outgoing and WANTED again, but I still need some work because I still miss my ex (it has been only about 2 months) and I don't want to rush things because it could hurt me and someone else alot.

 

I appreciate your responses, but I wasn't here to talk about my situation anymore. That is the whole point of my article. I did the exact same things that other people write about on here. I made the same breakup mistakes, I wrote the same sappy, emotional love letters (3 of them, to be exact), I called a couple times, I texted more than a couple times, I tried everything to show her how much she meant to me. I even tried taking a step back as someone had also posted. I let her go for a while. I let her do her own thing for more than a couple months. I'm only 23, frankly, and her doing her own thing over the past year consists of going out with her equally dramatic friends, getting loaded (that's drunk, for anyone who doesn't understand my lingo), and if the mood is right, potentially taking a guy home with her at the end of the night. That is how a typical college dating scene works. If you've been there at some point in your life, I don't have to tell you that.

 

It's not the fact that any of my actions towards her over the last year worked or didn't work. It's not the fact that there was any specific thing or person that aided or didn't aid me in my recovery process. It's not the fact that she just stopped caring about me and that action alone caused me more pain than I have ever experienced in my life. Time is a natural healer and that stands true for every type of grievance. What I question now, after all the healing and time that has passed since we broke up (the end of April 2007), and the girl that I have been seeing over the last five months in an effort to help myself out and stop all the pathetic groveling I put myself through, why does the fairytale ending still not exist? I don't care as much anymore that the story won't be ending with my ex; that the last chapter in the book that is my life will not have the word "Michelle" written amongst the pages. I can't do anything about that. I just want to hear someone say "Well, it does work out, it worked out for me." instead of "Move on, she's not worth your thoughts anymore." It's not like I control what I think about sometimes. Most of the time when a thought, memory, or dream of her pops into my head, I wasn't purposely injecting it in there. It just happened.

 

This site really is an amazing thing. I will never argue that. The amount of people on here who care enough to read and respond to other's inquiries about their dark, depressing futures as a hopeless romantic is remarkable. I'm a web designer with my own web design sole proprietorship, and to me, this is one of the best ideas for an open community forum that I have seen since I became interested in the profession. It's just disheartening for me to come back after all this happiness has been renewed in my life (albeit the questions I still have about my ex, which I believe is natural(?)) to still see the same advice that everyone who is in these second-chance situations doesn't care/want to hear, or in the case of this forum, read.

 

I don't need medication, I don't need therapy because I already went through that a month or two after the breakup, I don't need a shoulder to cry on anymore.

 

I just want someone to give me and the rest of us who have gone through so much mental trauma an honest, justified reason or experience to believe that we aren't just going to end up trolling away on this forum for the next decade.

[BillClam]

There is some advice that I wish I did and didn't take during my break up. To be honest, my experience was made worse by naiveness on my side, and I do wish I had a better handle on the situation. However, not really having a magic button to undo things, I've used LS for its sometimes uplifting sotries, and to settle with the fact things aren't always so bad.

[orangehose]

 

I just want someone to give me and the rest of us who have gone through so much mental trauma an honest, justified reason or experience to believe that we aren't just going to end up trolling away on this forum for the next decade.

 

I hear you, Mike. It sucks, it really does, not knowing if you'll ever really, truly be over someone. There's something a little Sisyphean about this whole love thing - rolling the boulder up the hill ONE more time, only to have it roll back down (and crush your heart yet again). But it's not just another failed relationship that resembles this - the grief process after the breakup of a meaningful relationship can resemble this. It just feels like rolling the rock up the hill, talking oneself into being 'over' the other person for the zillionth time, only to be confronted by thoughts of him / her and a corresponding helpless echo of an ache as the rock rolls back down yet AGAIN, even though it's been a year, ten years, or whatever.

[l0stMike]

I think this was an excellent post. Pretty much my take on things. heh

 

The only thing I can say is this... When my first real, serious girlfriend left me, I waited for YEARS for her to come back. Sure, I dated, but I was still WAITING. She would contact me every so often, just to say "hi", but never wanted to get back together. I went through this for like FOUR FREAKING YEARS. I was finally totally and completely over her, the night she called me and told me she was getting married. I still remember it clearly. I was just like, "What a bitch".

 

About 2 years after that point, I had my heart crushed by another woman, and I wasn't the least bit concerned with my previous ex.

 

Now, here we are, about 6 years later, and I'm going through this crap again, with a DIFFERENT woman!

 

So, it's like, once you've joined the game, you don't escape it! Argh.

 

I'm sorry to hear that. For real.

 

The fact that she called you and told you that she was getting married 4 years later after semi-constant contact is just what I'm talking about here. The same thing happened to one of my friends that I graduated college with. Although he did make the cardinal mistake of cheating on his girlfriend, they both moved to California roughly two hours apart from each other (we're from Pennsylvania, so it's a bit of a jump) and they talked for about two months and were still "in love" after dating for a year and a half or so, but then she apparently met this bartender at a restaurant around her town. Four months later, she calls my buddy to tell him she's getting married. How f*cked up is that?

 

Sure, he broke the official rule and maybe he deserves what was coming in some respects, but four months of knowing a new person and even less of dating them, and she decides to marry him after leaving a serious relationship that was still abridged by constant communication.

 

Your story and his, my God. Neither one is really giving much hope to the point of my post. My condolences, brother.

[sunshinegirl]

Isn't the bigger picture story to realize that none of your relationships are going to work out until you find the one that...does?

 

My sisters had 6 or 7 serious relationships before meeting their husbands. Good friend had 7 really dramatic, really awful relationships. Then she worked on herself and then met someone great and they're now married.

 

So I really don't think this is the roller coaster ride you can never get off... I really do think that if you learn something about yourself after each one, you can be a better partner and choose better mates next time around.

 

My brother-in-law keeps telling me that I'm picking better men each time, even if the relationships are still ending. Relationship #4 just ended...hopefully I don't need 7 before I meet the right guy but I do at some level believe I will find that guy before too long.

[ButtHead]

So' date=' it's like, once you've joined the game, you don't escape it! Argh.[/quote']

Exactly what I was thinking! I was perfectly happy thinking about school and cars and money before I found love, but as soon as I found it, I lost it. Now I feel like I'm going to be stuck feeling like crap until I find it again and possibly repeat the cycle. Like a drug. I could've cared less if I never tried it.

 

I feel your pain. Sounds like you've played the game a few times, but we're in the same spot. I just hope I don't have the attitude deep down that I'm waiting for her. It would really be bad for me.

Isn't the bigger picture story to realize that none of your relationships are going to work out until you find the one that...does?

That's actually quite inspirational after reading the previous posts after I googled Sisyphean. It's actually the most positive answer I've read. Something that actually says more than the usual about the direction we're headed in.

[fkds]

I can see what you're all saying. But I hope LS will help provide me with some useful answers or insights. I'm still in the 'can we ever get back together' phase and I am still asking what might be stupid questions. But to me they are not stupid, I don't know if I will get good advice or if I will take it, but I can't stop asking myself these questions and the answers are not obvious. I hope I am the minority. I think LS is just good for expressing yourself and being listened to.

 

Me and my ex broke up in January, and I've been up and down. At times I don't think about her or care at all, I put it to the back of my mind and am fine for weeks, and then I just can't stop thinking about her. Last week I had to see her and I can't get her out of my head now because we got on better than we have in years. I think part of the problem is that we never talked properly about everything, we were living together and she just left one day, and we've seen each other 3 times since then. From what she has said it seems she doesn't think a future with me is a good idea or a road she wants to go down, but its really hard to tell when I haven't seen her, and when she wont talk directly about how she feels, so I am still wondering if she loves me, and how I can find out without hurting myself too much again. We have some kind of NC, but still talk on the phone sometimes, or when we have had to to sort out our flat stuff. For the first month and a half or so I was contacting her a lot, and she was only calling me occasionally, and then we didn't speak for about 2 months. Lately we've spoken a bit more, but mostly calls are only started out of necessity. I decided that if I'm going to have any chance I would need to not contact her or talk about my own emotions, not let her see my weakness and to just try and just be attractive, charming, happy, confident. Inevitably I have spoken about how I feel sometimes, and its awkward because she is very strong emotionally (shes had to be from family problems and being an only child) and doesn't want to talk about it, I think she's trying NC to prevent herself from listening to her heart, because in her head she has decided the relationship is a bad idea. I hope we have a future together and that I haven't already expressed myself too much to her. I feel so relaxed around her I just feel like if I can impress her and make her feel good when I next see her we might have a chance. I don't know what to do.

 

Link to my thread below. Its a long post I'm afraid, but no replies yet so if anyone is even vaguely intrigued, or even if you aren't, please give your advice to one of these stupid 1st-posters!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t155224/

[4givrnt4gtr]

I haven't logged in for a couple months after making "my post" as all of you have. My story is like most other people's on this brilliant idea of a forum. We broke up, she stopped talking to me completely, I didn't know why, I got f*cked up over it, I finally stopped giving a sh*t about it 9 months later (January 2008), I dated someone else, it could be serious, but sometimes when I'm with that girl, I compare her to my ex, and I still think about my ex every day. To 85-90% of the people on this forum, sounds familiar, right?

 

Honestly, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

 

We all have the same stories. We all look for the same advice. Most of the time, we get the same advice. After my five month absence from writing my post, I spent that time finding a girl that I could potentially be with and trying to move on with said girl. I then come back here because I've been thinking about my ex lately. I guess I'm curious to see if anyone has any new stories that are similar to what I'm going through at this current time as opposed to what I went through all of last year. I search valiantly through posts trying to find a place where I can sit, read, and relate. I feel so stupid. As you can see, nothing has changed much with me other than the fact that I've learned to deal and cope with what I am able and unable to do about my situation. These forums haven't changed much either, if at all.

 

"Move on buddy, she's not worth your time." says one. "I've been there too, man. I made the same mistakes and I'd do anything to get her back." says another. "You sound like a great guy. Your ex must be a moron." says a girl (I hope).

 

This type of advice is so cliche anymore. I've just gotten so disgusted with talking and thinking about what happened to me and how I had to deal with it, and this type of advice, as good as it may or may not be, it just doesn't help at all. I've heard it countless times from people in real life. I'm sure most of you have, too. And when you hear it in real life, it's not the answer you're looking for, so you turn to all of us 14-60 year old Internet therapists in an attempt to find someone who will tell you what you want to hear.

 

Guess what? The advice is still the same. It's a sad state of affairs really. Regardless of what your epic story is (I thought mine was too, I've been there), regardless of how much you yearn for your ex to come running back into your open arms Notebook style, regardless of how much you wish you could press a red button on your desk and warp to 2006 when you "were happy; the only time you were truly happy", regardless of how much you want to escape the mundane, loveless life you're living now, regardless of who broke NC and who didn't break NC and how much time has passed since C, everything is still the same. Everyone on here still gives the same advice. Everyone in real life still gives the same advice. I don't mean to sound cold-hearted, but what is the point of all of this? Is it just a vent that never gets us to point B? An open, unbiased avenue for all of us to release our innermost emotions without being judged by anything but our ability to textually convey our true feelings? Does anyone ever get tired of all this unsolvable unhappiness? Why do things have to be this way to the point where we use a website like this?

 

The worst part is, the people who exist in these heartbroken states and ask for this type of advice are most of the time too reluctantly in love with their former lives to listen to it. Point and case, me.

 

Well, formerly me I guess, because I just got sick of asking for advice already. I just took the matter into my own hands and realized that as happy as I was with my ex and as much as I changed myself in a vain attempt to "make her happy after we broke up, to show her I am capable of change", it just didn't matter at all. She didn't care anymore. Maybe she does in some remote, dusty, rat-filled corner of the theoretical attic in her mind, but as hard as I tried and tried and tried to get her back, nothing worked. Nothing mattered. All I did was learn from it and now I know how to act and how to play the breakup game.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm a better person because of EVERYTHING that has happened to me considering my ex, and I'll never regret any of it, but my situation with my ex is no better and no worse. It's exactly the same. The ignorance that she purposely inflicts (or inflicted I should say, because this is when I cared what she thought about me) is still an elephant in the room when I think about it. It sucks, and I can't do anything about it anymore. I just have to learn to deal with the fact that I lost the first, and hopefully not the last, person that I was truly in love with.

 

So my question to all of you is, when does it all end? Does anyone ever get back with their ex's after a year's time? Does anyone just ever stop thinking about their ex? Where do all of these waterfall tears, remorseful thoughts, and decibel-blastings of "Kelly Clarkson - Behind These Hazel Eyes" lead us in the end? Anywhere?

 

There was an article in Dear Abby last year. A man who was 40-something and happily married with two kids wrote in and asked a question. He goes, and i don't quote, "Abby, I'm 40-something and happily married. But to this day, I still think about one of my ex's that I thought was the one. Is this wrong? How can I make it stop?"

 

It got me thinking. Does any of this ever stop? Or are we all just f*cked?

 

You voiced my thoughts dear.

 

Actually...its more like a "why do I ask when I already know the answer" type of deal.

 

However i do know one thing...people come here for support. For validation and sometimes in order to make themselves accountable somehow. As in, if you post here that you wont talk to ex and you get the usual "good for you, thats the way to go, atta boy/girl" and then you do talk to the ex, you feel guilty.

 

Now your question about whether does it end? yes it does.

 

Pinky promise.

 

I was madly in love with a guy for 7 (count them 7777777!!!!) years after the last time i saw him. I thought "oh for sure he was it..and i lost him and i will NEVER get over him.

Then one fine summer day I met an amazing man. And miracle of miracles...without looking to "get over" whatshisname, I did. Slowly i stated thinking about him less and less, and found myself so deep in love with that new guy that any remaining feeling for whatshisname ended.

 

Unfortunately things didnt work out with the new guy. Again i went into a "its never gonna end!" (3 years this time) thing.... I dated another guy but he did not make me forget this one, in fact, made me miss him even more.

 

And then...found someone else who made me forget...and then i realized its all in my head. Its not them, its me. When i found someone I deemed better or whatever, I was able to let go. So now i figured...i can totally do it without another's help.

 

I guess the fact that i got over 2 very strong attachments, even though it took a long time has reassured me that the pain isnt forever. However the worst thing you can do is get into a relationship with the first person that comes your way because their lacks will accentuate your ex's qualities. TRUST ME

 

i love to come here to vent, and even listen to what others have to say. However, only I know what really is going on, what i need and what the ex is truly like. I learned that though you can take what people say into consideration the only counsel you should take is yours, your instincts and your reasoning.

You may be mistaken, but at least you will truly learn from it.

 

my thoughts anyway

[LikeCharlotte]

I was madly in love with a guy for 7 (count them 7777777!!!!) years after the last time i saw him. I thought "oh for sure he was it..and i lost him and i will NEVER get over him.

Then one fine summer day I met an amazing man. And miracle of miracles...without looking to "get over" whatshisname, I did. Slowly i stated thinking about him less and less, and found myself so deep in love with that new guy that any remaining feeling for whatshisname ended.

 

Unfortunately things didnt work out with the new guy. Again i went into a "its never gonna end!" (3 years this time) thing.... I dated another guy but he did not make me forget this one, in fact, made me miss him even more.

 

And then...found someone else who made me forget...and then i realized its all in my head. Its not them, its me. When i found someone I deemed better or whatever, I was able to let go. So now i figured...i can totally do it without another's help.

I just learned that lesson. I am lucky to have learned it quickly. Sometimes I think that when people hold on for years and years it is not the person that they were with that they want or miss anymore. I think they just want to know that the good things are not lost forever before they can move on. You can tell yourself or someone else that you/they will be happy with someone later on but I think that is hard to believe for most until you/they actually meet someone with that sort of potential. Now that I've learned that it will happen I am much better off and have healed really quickly compared to the first time.