What is more important?

[lexi29]

I posted awhile ago on here about my disapointment that my fiance had given me a ring that I didnt' particularly care for. I was embarrased after I posted that because I realized, its not the ring, its the person you are marrying. So while I still don't love the ring, I am just happy that my fiance is in my life. However some issues have come up and I'm wondering if I should be concerned about my fiance's priorities. We are splitting the costs of the wedding. So far he has paid out a lot more money than I have. he bought the decorations, paid for the reception hall, paid the dj, the deposit for the cake, and some other minor things. So far I've bought my bridesmaid's dresses and my wedding dress. I also paid the deposit for the photographer.

 

One thing is bugging me and I realize this is probably very immature but it still bothers me. My fiance and I are looking for a place to live. We don't live together as his apartment is too small for the three of us. (he has a 9 yr old son). We have been looking for a place to rent or buy. We put an offer in on a house but it fell through. The area he wants to live in (so his son can stay at the same school) currently only has 16 houses for sale!! We can only afford about 6 of those so not much to choose from. What we agreed on is that I will be the one buying the house before we get married. I will use my savings for the downpayment and we will split the monthly payment about equally (he will pay slightly more) and we will split the utilities. The reason for doing this is I don't want his name on the house before we get married and also he has little savings so he can't contribute anything to the down payment (he is using it all for the wedding). He wants a nice wedding, I am more practical I would rather save the money to buy a house. We also are looking at renting a house. We looked at one that would be suitable (wasn't crazy about it though) but it required that each of us come up with $600 for the security deposit. No problem for me but for him it is a stretch. He had $900 in savings but wants to use that for the wedding. So for now we still live separatly and are looking to buy a house.

 

Now we were talking about buying the wedding rings and I told him that the wedding rings will be probably be around the same price as the engagement ring and to prepare for that possiblity (not to be shocked when we went to look at them) He told me that his married friends all told him that their wive's wedding rings cost LESS than their engagement rings. Much less. Well I'm sure they probably bought their wives rings that cost around $1500 or more so yes in that case their wedding band would be much less!! He paid $299 for my engagement ring. Its not the price that matters, I've accepted this ring but I don't really care for it. There is actually a ring (3 stone past present future) that I LOVE that is that same price at the jewelry store he bought my ring at. I wish I could exchange it or trade it in for something I like ( it is a thin gold band with a 1/5 ct diamond. It makes my finger look fat because it is so delicate. I know I am lucky he bought me any ring at all but he does make comments that he was afraid I would think he was a cheap a** because he got me such a small stone. I asked if he thought that why did he buy it and he said because he liked it but he wasn't sure I would. Ok, I do not hate it. I know its the thought that counts but the wedding ring is something I will always wear and i should like it. Now that he thinks everyone spends less on the wedding bank vs. the engagement ring I am going to end up with some tiny thin plain gold band and while I'd rather have the guy over jewelry any day, the fact is he CAN afford a nicer ring and I'm bummed that he wants to save money in this area.

 

If he didn't have the $ then I'd understand but he is spending $700 renting tuxes for his groomsmen (he knows they traditionally pay but most can't afford it so he is paying for them) This is more money than he will have spent on my engagement ring (a little over twice the amount actually!) and also that $700 could have paid his half of the security deposit on the apartment we could have rented together. OR even add it to my downpayment for a house we want to buy. Also his son's birthday party was a few weeks ago. He spent $200 on food alone, for this party. about ten kids showed up (he invited about 50). He also paid $650 to rent our reception hall. So he paid more for the reception venue than he will pay for both my rings together. Again, I appologize because I know this sounds incredibly immature because I'm almost 30 and I should not let this bother me. But its bugging me that he will spend more money on something that will only last a day (our reception) or food for his son's birthday party or his groomsmen's tuxes than he will spend on something that I'll be wearing every single day (wedding ring and engagement ring) or to put down as a deposit on a place WE can live together or toward helping me pay the downpayment on a house WE will live in. The wedding and reception only last a few hours and yet he is putting all this money and effort into it like its going to be the best

day of his life (which I'm happy he's excited and all but its only ONE day)

 

How wrong am I to be feeling upset that he's spending more effort and money (it took him an hour to pick out my ring) on things like the hall, the tuxes, etc than on my ring or house hunting?

[curiousnycgirl]

As far as I can remember you have been playing the martyr in this relationship. You have given up your free time to pick up/babysit his son, etc, etc. You have posted here that it is your pleasure, but frankly I've never really believed that.

 

Personally I think it is perfectly acceptable for you to want your own needs/wishes/wants/desires (whatever you choose to call it) to be met. In your case they don't seem to be all that huge.

 

Having said that - you will be changing the rules midstream on your fiance if you do finally put your foot down. You accepted his proposal with that ring, even though it was a disappointment to you. You accepted his proposal knowing you two were not on the same page when it came to how money is managed, you accepted his proposal knowing you two had very different views on parenting, you knew these things.

 

Several of us have told you that you two better get pre-marital counseling, and that you were allowing things to move too quickly. You assured us you were.

 

You have consistently put yourself third in this relationship and now you are going to change all the rules on him. Have none of your issues come up in counseling? The fact that he will spend so such on himself (he wants a big wedding) and his son (the birthday party, christmas) - but went cheap on your engagement ring is a HUGE red flag to me.

 

It appears it's finally irking you - and I applaud that. I agree with your assessment that had he spent more on your engagement ring, then the wedding bands would have been a fraction of the cost. However the cost of gold is roughly around $950 an ounce at the moment. I happen to be in Kay Jewelers the other day (getting something fixed) - and the cost of a very plain 3mm gold band was $250! This was Kay not Tiffany's - so yes I agree with you.

 

I know my answer has been all over the place - to tell the truth I've been responding to your posts all along, and have always thought the same thing - this guy just isn't as into you as you are into him. So what are you going to do about it?

 

You going to proceed with the marriage knowing he will continue in this manner for the rest of your life? You going to change course on him midstream? Rather than asking us who is right - I'll turn it around and ask - are you going to accept this?!

[lexi29]

Curiousnycgirl, thanks for your reply. I appreciate your response. We are attending pre marital counseling and it has helped in some areas. for example we are agreeing on parenting issues and have tried some things out and it seems to be working well. Also I am learning to let my guard down and trust again. (slowly). The money issue hasnt' come up in counseling (other than our plan that I will be the one buying the house and we will split the house payments) because I haven't really given much thought to it till now. When we go out on dates he pays a lot and I will also pitch in for dinner and stuff. THe ring thing- I have tried not to let it bother me but last night when we were looking at the tuxes for his groomsmen and he added it up and it is going to cost him about $700 to pay for the rental for all of them (including his and his son's) and he was saying about how he will have to start saving up for that well it just rubbed me the wrong way.

 

I love him and am glad we are engaged and I was really suprised that he proposed to me (not something I was expecting AT ALL!) so I've tried not to let the fact that I dont' like the ring bother me. But it just bugged that he is perfectly ok with saving up that much money so that his groomsmen dont' have to pay for their own tuxes (most can't afford it) but he basically bought me the cheapest ring the jewelry store sold (that was labeled as an engagement ring) and doesn't want to spend much on a wedding band either it seems. His priorities just seem out of order to me. I do put his son and him first quite often and he does put me first once in awhile (but not often) but I feel silly/rude telling him I'm unhappy he is willing to spend all this money on ONE DAY (the wedding) but didn't seem to put much thought into the ring.

 

Another reason this ring is a thorn in my side is I have been proposed to by two other guys I've dated and the first one was when I was 20 and the guy picked out this EXACT same ring that I have now (sold by the same jewelry store) and I accepted his proposal and had all kinds of comments from friends about how "cute" the ring was and no one wants their engagement ring to be called cute. This same boyfriend spent $300 on this ring (he had a $7 hr job at the time and he financed the ring for a year!) We broke up a few years later and remained friends but he went on a 2nd date with girl he met online and spent more money on that one date ($500!) then he did on my engagement ring. Of course he had a much better paying job then but still.

 

the other guy who proposed to me (the first time) bought the same exact ring (same jewelry store even) for the trusty $300. It was literally the cheapest ring in that store at the time. And he did it only because he'd been telling me he was going to ask me to marry him and we were living together and he kept promising he was going to ask and never following thru and I finally had enough and was going to leave him and he ran to this jewelry store and bought the cheapest ring he could find and proposed. But his heart wasnt' in it so I declined and he had to take the ring back. About a year later he proposed to me again with a beautiful ring that I'm sure he spent close to $2000 on but I declined again as it just didn't feel right.

 

So this same ring and I have a history that is before my current fiance and probably one reason I don't like it. I can sort of understand him spending $200 on his son's party (but he only spent about $30 on his son's present) because it is for his son. BUt the tuxes for his groomsmen (they are friends from work and not even great friends as he wasn't even sure they would agree to be in the wedding but they did) bother me because while its nice to do so (and I've paid for my bridal party's dresses but they were only $40 a piece) there are better uses for the money.

[curiousnycgirl]

Ok let's be honest, you DID know he was going to propose, and you were expecting it, I don't have time to search for your posts before the engagement happened, but I do remember them.

 

Secondly you accepted the ring!? Why?! Why didn't you say yes I will marry you - but my ex bought me this exact ring so I would really appreciate it if we could exchange it?!

 

Thirdly you are back pedaling again - trying to make it seem like you are just being silly and he is wonderful. You do this all the time. You get upset, post here, and then say oops I was just upset at the time.

 

Why don't you give yourself some slack? You deserve for him to treat you as well if not better than how you treat him. You always put him first - how often does he put you first? Just from memory I can think of a number of posts where it was clear he did not put you first.

[quankanne]

oh, honey, it's time to sit down and have "the talk" with your man about what's acceptable and what's not, regarding the wedding, the expenses, your future living situation. Because while his heart is in the right place, his sense of finance isn't. Put your foot down if you have to, because it seems to me that YOU are the only one thinking past the actual wedding day and he needs to be on the same page as you. I don't know how little you can get by with and still have an enjoyable wedding because I eloped, but like you, I was more interested in what happened after what happened in the courthouse! If it means paring down the wedding party to just one attendent each, would you be willing to do that? Esp. if it means more equity toward the house?

 

. There is actually a ring (3 stone past present future) that I LOVE that is that same price at the jewelry store he bought my ring at

 

after reading about how you got the same damned ring from three different men, I say trade it in for the one you actually like. That's a terrible memory to have to live with as that ring stares you in the face every day ... he might not care for your actions, but in this case, I think it's more than justified. And he needs to be sensitive to your reasons why.

[lexi29]

Ok let's be honest, you DID know he was going to propose, and you were expecting it, I don't have time to search for your posts before the engagement happened, but I do remember them.

 

Secondly you accepted the ring!? Why?! Why didn't you say yes I will marry you - but my ex bought me this exact ring so I would really appreciate it if we could exchange it?!

 

Thirdly you are back pedaling again - trying to make it seem like you are just being silly and he is wonderful. You do this all the time. You get upset, post here, and then say oops I was just upset at the time.

 

Why don't you give yourself some slack? You deserve for him to treat you as well if not better than how you treat him. You always put him first - how often does he put you first? Just from memory I can think of a number of posts where it was clear he did not put you first.

 

 

Well, yes I knew he TALKED about proposing (said he'd use his tax return money to buy a ring) but I have been let down by exes in the past when they talked about marriage and kept stringing me along for the ride without any action and it was so soon after we've gotten back together that I truly did not expect him to follow through with it. in fact about ten minutes before he proposed to me he said he was taking me out to dinner and to get ready to go and I didnt' feel like going out but started getting ready and him and his son were in the other room whispering and I got upset because I thought they were talking about something bad (like he was going to break up with me again or something) and so when he pulled out that ring and got down on one knee I was literally shocked into silence for about five minutes. I didn't expect him to go through with it and I had no idea he'd been out buying a ring that day.

 

 

I did want to tell him about my exes buying me that same ring but at the time I felt since he'd put an effort into it (he went to an actual jewelry store and this is a guy who buys everything from Wal-mart) and he actually wanted to marry me and I didn't want to rain on his parade. And when I posted on here about not liking the ring the majority just pointed out how selfish and immature I was being so I realized I WAS being selfish about the situation. My fiance is NOT a big spender. He only spent about $150 on his son for christmas. and he told his son he'd buy him an Xbox with his tax return money too and he never did that. Instead he spent the rest of the money on wedding stuff.

 

I'm not trying to say he's wonderful because if he was, I wouldn't be posting on this forum obviously. But I do love him and his son and want to be a part of their lives. When I am with him I am happy about 80% of the time. I feel good in their presence and thats what counts. I guess I am already used to NOT being put first in his life because ever since I met him years ago his son has almost always come before me and that is the way I think it should be.

 

I guess I am just examining his priorities under a microscope and not agreeing with them. He seems like one of those women (sorry but I've never known any men to do this) who gets all wrapped up in the wedding and wants it to be a perfect day where they feel like a princess and they have to have the perfect flowers, cake etc and spend all this money and get things they can't afford and then are broke after the "big day".

 

His priorities are a little strange (one year for christmas he bought me a $200 bracelet from a jewelry store and I didn't even wear bracelets but he wanted to get me something nice. Well that same christmas he used what money he had left to get presents for his son (this was about two years ago)and ended up spending only about $75 on his son.

 

Same thing this year- for christmas he had to scrape together the $150 for the presents he bought his son and his son didnt' have much under the tree to open. But yet he will spend $200 like it is nothing on FOOD and prizes and decorations for his son's birthday party. There were maybe 10 kids there so he didn't need to buy so much food and he could have just had hotdogs instead of hamburgers too (kids aren't picky) and the kids didnt care about the decorations (birthday was held outside in a park) His son has ALWAYS wanted a birthday party at burger king and my fiance always tells him it costs too much. I'm pretty sure it would be less than $200! I would think saving some money and spending more on your own son for christmas (kids love toys, need clothes etc) is more important than spending that much money on a three hour kid's birthday party where your son eats one hotdog and a piece of cake and drinks some kool aid! My fiance even had the bakery that is making our wedding cake make his son's birthday cake so he could see if he liked the way they made the cake!!! Instead of just buying a $20 cake at wal-mart or the grocery store.

 

I know he loves me and I guess that is all that matters at this point. We will have separate finances when married (joint account for our bills) so I will be managing the bills and I'm not worried about him not having enough money for bills because as long as he's had his own place he's always paid bills on time.

[lexi29]

oh, honey, it's time to sit down and have "the talk" with your man about what's acceptable and what's not, regarding the wedding, the expenses, your future living situation. Because while his heart is in the right place, his sense of finance isn't. Put your foot down if you have to, because it seems to me that YOU are the only one thinking past the actual wedding day and he needs to be on the same page as you. I don't know how little you can get by with and still have an enjoyable wedding because I eloped, but like you, I was more interested in what happened after what happened in the courthouse! If it means paring down the wedding party to just one attendent each, would you be willing to do that? Esp. if it means more equity toward the house?

 

. There is actually a ring (3 stone past present future) that I LOVE that is that same price at the jewelry store he bought my ring at

 

after reading about how you got the same damned ring from three different men, I say trade it in for the one you actually like. That's a terrible memory to have to live with as that ring stares you in the face every day ... he might not care for your actions, but in this case, I think it's more than justified. And he needs to be sensitive to your reasons why.

 

 

I guess I am worried about telling him this because its been 4 months and I haven't said anything about the ring. I would love to trade it in but dont' want to hurt his feelings or seem like I'm some gold digging b*tch that only cares about a piece of jewelry.

[quankanne]

under any other circumstances, I'd agree with you, but he needs to be aware of your feelings about this particular model of ring. Pride being what it is, he may just say, "Ew. Don't want her thinking of them when she sees *my* ring, maybe it'd be smarter to just trade it in for something uniquely me."

 

his feelings might be hurt, but I guarantee you, he's NOT going to want to be lumped in with the others who got you the same ring!

[Kasan]

I did want to tell him about my exes buying me that same ring but at the time I felt since he'd put an effort into it (he went to an actual jewelry store and this is a guy who buys everything from Wal-mart) and he actually wanted to marry me and I didn't want to rain on his parade. And when I posted on here about not liking the ring the majority just pointed out how selfish and immature I was being so I realized I WAS being selfish about the situation.

 

I remember your thread well, and I think my advice and many others would have been different had you said you had received the same ring from two other men.

 

I guess for me the bottom line is the communication problem that you seem to have with him. Honey, if you can't tell him that you received the same ring from two other men I really wonder how your marriage will fare.

 

You should have told him about the ring, never mind his feelings, as I am sure he would have wanted to give you a ring that you would associate with him and good memories.

 

Is there a chance that you could push back the date of the wedding? Just until you sort some of these issues out?

 

quankanne is spot on with her advice to you--you need to sit him down and have that hard talk.

[iSmiley]

Dear Lexi,

 

IMO, it is time ur fiance Learn to look at you and know ur existence! You have needs/wants/desire and he must respect you for that. From what i read from your post, he seems to think of himself/his sons/friends and not your need! I do think he acts this way cos he still has not heard your thought (loud enuf i presumes?)

 

You seems lost and torn in between at time Lexi (i think). Insecure i should say..happy at times when he treat you good, with that you feel guilty with the bad thinking you have on him. You are a great person and you deserve every bit to be treated like a princess. A marriage is meant for a two- way communication..My fiance was given this advised by his uncle (and i think it is true!)"Just make sure you make your partner happy everyday". Its not a one way street..its both way. You give/take/compromise some.

 

good Luck

[iSmiley]

Yea, my response to your engagement ring will be different if i know the ring is the same as your the one your ex gave u. You really do need to communicate with him, please be brave and speak what you want.

 

Good Luck~

 

SmiLey~

[lexi29]

Thank you all for your responses. I was planning on talking to him last night about the ring. I still have the same engagement ring from my ex (we broke up 8 years ago and he didn't want the ring back) and I even brought it to show my fiance that it was the same ring (well actually the ring from my ex is the same one but it is 1/4 ct instead of 1/5 as I have now. So I was wrong about that. I was going to tell him a funny story- when he proposed to me I just stared at him, at the ring and back again for about two minutes and didn't know what to say. he had expected me to be jumping up and down or crying or something and I was just stunned. I was going to tell him that the reason I was so quiet (he's always wondered) was because I was staring at the same ring I'd seen two other times before. I had planned to do all this last night to just ask if he minded if I exchanged it but we had such a good time last night that I never brought it up. He made me dinner and we watched a movie and went for a walk and some other fun things. I will probably talk to him about it this weekend.

 

 

After having such a great time with him yesterday (his son is at his aunt's for the week) I just didnt' feel right bringing up the ring and my displeasure with it. I'm such a people pleaser that I don't like to nit pick at my love one's actions. We did have a very good open talk last night (initiated by him) about our fears/concerns about the future and we also talked about the past (and the time when he broke up with me) and about why he thought that happened and what he's learned since then. It was a nice talk.

[Kasan]

After having such a great time with him yesterday (his son is at his aunt's for the week) I just didnt' feel right bringing up the ring and my displeasure with it. I'm such a people pleaser that I don't like to nit pick at my love one's actions. We did have a very good open talk last night (initiated by him) about our fears/concerns about the future and we also talked about the past (and the time when he broke up with me) and about why he thought that happened and what he's learned since then. It was a nice talk.

 

My dear, you need to stop avoiding conflict or what you perceive as conflict. We are all people pleasers to some extent, but learning to draw the line at your own happiness is an important skill to develop. Sometimes another word for a people pleaser who takes it too far is a a doormat.

 

This ring has been an issue with you for months and has really taken away some of the enjoyment of planning your wedding. I'm sure your boyfriend would be shocked if he knew that you had two other versions of the same ring that he gave you.

 

The world will not end if you tell him you are unhappy with the ring--and now I am wondering why you didn't tell us that you had two versions of the same ring in your original thread. Why would you allow us to call you shallow, self-centered, etc, when it wasn't the truth?

 

Marriage is hard enough trying to compromise--but when one party gives in all the time and puts themselves last, that party will develop lots of anger and resentment--both of which are lethal to any marriage.

 

So which do you want to be--doormat or people pleaser?

[Aloros]

I understand your hesitation to tell him - you think he'll be upset or disappointed.

 

But you REALLY need to start communicating with your fiance. The more you put off talking about the ring to him, the bigger of a deal it will seem to you, and the molehill starts approaching mountain-sized. Think of what a funny story this will be 10 years down the line! I mean, talk about crazy coincidences, right? I'm sure once you explain, your fiance will be perfectly fine with exchanging the ring.

 

You're going to be marrying this guy. Ideally, you become a unit - where the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. But you need to TALK to each other for this to happen! I'm certain once your fiance gets over his momentary disappointment, he'll be glad that you told him. Think of it as pulling off a band-aid. It hurts, but the wound needs air to heal.

 

And since you two have different spending priorities, you need to sit down and talk this out - come to some agreement(s). Is he even aware of how you feel about his spending habits? Money is one of the biggest things couples fight about, so best hash this out now in a way that leaves you both satisfied.

 

I just feel for you sometimes - I'm in a similar situation. My fiance has a 10-year-old son and we're just now buying a house together.

 

Don't think that it is ok for your needs to get pushed aside just because he has a son. The relationship between you and your fiance will be the foundation for this family, so it needs to be strong. And this means making sure your needs are being met!

 

I have a bit of a temper, so I personally CAN'T keep my mouth shut - and though it's led to some blow-ups between my fiance (did I mention that I don't always have a lot of tact either? ), we come out stronger in the end.

 

You have GOT to talk to him. This can only lead to bottling of feelings, future resentment, and the worst part is, he won't even know WHY.

 

Hope this helps, and good luck!

 

ETA: I'd advise that the next time you feel the urge to post here about some difficulty, you stop, turn around, and talk to your fiance about those feelings!

[lexi29]

I didn't mention that I'd been presented with similiar/same rings by two other guys because I honestly felt kind of weird about it. Like I was only "worth" the cheapest ring in the store as THREE different men selected the exact same ring to ask me to marry them with! What are the odds of that? With my ex fiance, I sort of understand the choice because he was 19 years old and made $7 hr so a few hundred dollars was a lot of money to him and he didn't save up for it, he put it on credit and paid it off. I LOVE white gold and with the first fiance I asked him if I could exchange the ring (was yellow gold) for the same thing in white. He was hesitant about it but said he didn't mind.

 

Well we went through the entire process of exchanging it and were driving home and he got really angry at me and told me I was ungrateful and that I didn't appreciate any of his efforts (he thought I'd like the yellow gold because thats what I normally wore) and that it hurt his feelings that I wanted a different ring other than the one he picked out. So we ended up driving BACK to the jewelry store and returning the white gold ring for the original one he proposed with. The 2nd guy bought me the ring out of spite I believe because it was the cheapest one in the store at the time. We were living together for a few years and I wanted to get married and he kept telling me he wanted the same thing (but his actions were that he was dragging his feet) and I finally told him I was leaving him because he was never going to take the next step. So the next day he ran to the jewelry store and came back with that ring and proposed to me (I said no because it was forced.

 

So I really didn't want to mention my past with this ring because its kind of embarassing that three guys I've dated seemed to think this was the ring for me even though I never liked it from the first time I saw it.

 

 

As for communication with my fiance- I know I need to work on that. I can tell him how I think he should/needs to raise his son, I can tell him what I want in the bedroom, I can tell him how I don't totally trust him yet, but its issues that I consider "little" or not as important that I hate to rock the boat.

[vander]

I guess I am worried about telling him this because its been 4 months and I haven't said anything about the ring. I would love to trade it in but dont' want to hurt his feelings or seem like I'm some gold digging b*tch that only cares about a piece of jewelry.

 

 

It's probably too late to return/exchange at this point. Most jewelers have a 90 day return policy. You may be stuck with it.

 

Better learn to love the ring.