Hurting

[becketwasright]

First post, so please bear with me. My wife and I have been married for nine years. A few months ago she said that she wanted her independence both emotionally and financially from me. A few months later she said that she loved and cared for me, but was not "in love" with me. She then spent a week with her mother (leaving me with the kids) that was supposed to clear her head, but she came back and said she was still undecided about what to do. To make matters worse, she finally admitted to still being in love with an ex-boyfriend that jilted her two months before we started dating. Now as it stands, she is going to spend a month with her mother again, except this time she is taking the kids with her.

We met and were married within six months because she got pregnant with our first child and then three months after our first child was born she got pregnant again. I thought that we had reached an agreement that one of us should stay home...of which she thought she should since I had a better chance for earning more money. Over the next few years I worked full time, went to school full time and was always a full time parent. We had another child in 2005 right as our two older kids were going to school. I have always tried to help around the house, I take the kids out for hours at a time almost every night to give my wife time to "decompress" after her day, but she seems to think that grass is greener on the other side and that having her independence and space would be a great idea. In the meantime, this is the fourth month of this process and we are sleeping in seperate rooms and when I come home she makes TV dinners and then disappears upstairs to talk with her ex or her mother until the wee hours of the morning.

Long story short....this is eating away at me to the point that it is affecting my performance at work and I am about to lose my job. Furthermore, I have started abusing alcohol again (12 year sober)....what can I do...I don't want and she has insisted that I not pressure her into a decision, but I don't know how much more I can take.....

[TrustInYourself]

Alcohol is not the answer.

 

What do you want to do? It would be impossible to convince her of something she thinks she feels. If you love her, give her space and allow her time to understand what she is feeling is just temporary.

 

You have to let go. It's not going to be easy, since you feel wronged by her decision. It's normal and totally respectable to be mad and to want to lash out or feel despair and sadness.

 

Just don't let it ruin you. It sounds like you are a terrific father. Don't let this situation hurt your kids or your relationship with them.

 

Grow from this crisis and become stronger. This isn't the end, but a chance to be a better person. Have hope and rely on your friends, family.

 

Good luck and best wishes! Stay away from the alcohol! Stop feeling sorry and start taking control of your situation!

[General Jack]

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I am in a similar situation to you, even share the 9 years of marriage (one child).

 

I'm not the expert, but I can tell you that if she is willing, communication should help. If she is unwilling to try communication, its probably over. The one bit of truth I think that I've gleaned from this relationship difficulty process is that its nearly impossible to make major changes in someone... but if you are both honestly still willing to try to make it work, there is still hope. You can't will someone to change their mind, unfortunately...

[verytired]

It's terrible isn't it? It hurts ALL the time and you just can't make sense of it. I am beginning to suspect we never will make sense of it. I looked at my wifes face yesterday as she was planning how she is going to try to take my business, my home and my kids away from me when I have done nothing wrong and the only reason we are separating is because she is 'unhappy' and not 'in love' any more, and I find myself wondering how on earth we got here.

 

From my own experience though I will tell you that it is 4 years since she started the 'not in love' stuff and I have spent 4 years trying to make our relationship work and what i now realise is that all I've done is wasted 4 years of my life. Sounds to me like you've tried hard to be supportive and fit in around her, but once they start down this road of wanting their freedom there's not a lot you can do to win them back. My advice? Give up on her and start figuring out what/who you want to be.

 

I too want to drink myself into a hole, but I have decided instead that I will become twice the man I was before all this started. I will become fitter, stronger, richer and healthier - if for no other reason than so that she can have even more reason to regret her decision.

 

I am so sorry for what you're going through.

[Meaplus3]

First post, so please bear with me. My wife and I have been married for nine years. A few months ago she said that she wanted her independence both emotionally and financially from me. A few months later she said that she loved and cared for me, but was not "in love" with me. She then spent a week with her mother (leaving me with the kids) that was supposed to clear her head, but she came back and said she was still undecided about what to do. To make matters worse, she finally admitted to still being in love with an ex-boyfriend that jilted her two months before we started dating. Now as it stands, she is going to spend a month with her mother again, except this time she is taking the kids with her.

We met and were married within six months because she got pregnant with our first child and then three months after our first child was born she got pregnant again. I thought that we had reached an agreement that one of us should stay home...of which she thought she should since I had a better chance for earning more money. Over the next few years I worked full time, went to school full time and was always a full time parent. We had another child in 2005 right as our two older kids were going to school. I have always tried to help around the house, I take the kids out for hours at a time almost every night to give my wife time to "decompress" after her day, but she seems to think that grass is greener on the other side and that having her independence and space would be a great idea. In the meantime, this is the fourth month of this process and we are sleeping in seperate rooms and when I come home she makes TV dinners and then disappears upstairs to talk with her ex or her mother until the wee hours of the morning.

Long story short....this is eating away at me to the point that it is affecting my performance at work and I am about to lose my job. Furthermore, I have started abusing alcohol again (12 year sober)....what can I do...I don't want and she has insisted that I not pressure her into a decision, but I don't know how much more I can take.....

 

Just like TYI said.."Alcohol is not the answer". You have acheived 12 years of sobriety, so you know how to do that and it's very important that you get back on track first and foremost.

 

Honestly I sense your wife is beign selfish here. By talking to her ex it would appear to me that she is trying to fill a void that is missing for her in the marriage. Have you two ever thought about MC?

 

AP:)

[Woggle]

She is probably having an affair with her ex. All signs point to it and don't waste time and energy trying to make things work. Just give up and let her make any more effort if she wants to. Treat her like nothing more than a roommate. Right now retain a lawyer in case of divorce and start getting your legal ducks in a row so you don't trampled on in court.

[SingleDad]

Alcohol is not the answer. My father was an alcoholic. after many years of drinking, my mother asked for a separation (tough love). After 6 months of separation, he committed suicide - both from loneliness and drunkenness. I was 15. Instead, find another outlet such as exercise. I found inspirational, spiritual and single parenting books to give me strength.

 

Focus on you kids... each and every day.

 

As of yesterday, I am now legally separated... and I have a two year old daughter.

 

I too do not understand how someone just gives up on a marriage thinking there is greener pastures... just today's society. Yet I alone have hope and faith that my relationship can be repaired.

 

Just be the best father you can be... and best husband you can be if you want to try to keep your wife. She is bored and appears to think she has found a greener pasture. If possible, do what you can to re-kindle what you used to have, add excitement to your lives, and show her your pasture is greener.

 

I am hoping to do that with my relationship if my Ex will let me back in.

[mark982]

buddy,while i do feel bad about you sitution, don't screw up your soberity!! there's no woman in the world worth it. remember 1 drinks to many, and a 1000 not enough. go to meetings,whatever... but stay sober.

[Gunny376]

Alcohol! Drugs!

 

Changes nothing!

 

Un-does nothing!

 

Prevents nothing!

 

Doesn't make you @ss more attractive!

 

Doesn't bring them back!

 

Does't un-do the hurt!

 

Doesn't make the pain go away for good!

 

Doesn't make you smarter!

 

Doesn't make you wiser!

[becketwasright]

OK...I get the point with the drinking and have contacted my sponsor to get back on the wagon....stupid mistake on my part

 

Quick update...I am here alone on Father's Day as the wife took the kids to see her dad. She said the she did it to give me a break for a while. What I recently found out is that her New Mexico friend is flying into tomorrow for a some sort of training seminar. I cannot begin to tell you how this is hurting me right now. To say that you are leaving for one reason and it is for something completely different....there are no words to describe how betrayed I feel....

 

As much as I love her....maybe it is time to just let go.....

[TrustInYourself]

Let go brother. Let her make her decisions. Make your own and take control of your life. You deserve that. Best wishes.

[Gunny376]

I know that "down on your knees, begging God for relief" type pain. Been there, done that!

 

George Jones captured it in several of his songs,.......................... Don't listen to them! They're just enough to send you over the edge.

[SingleDad]

Father's Day is your day with you kids - you should not have let her take them.

 

Stand up for your rights - fight for time with your children.

 

You might not be able to keep your wife, but your children will always be your children. Focus on doing everything to be a great father.

[Gatormaniac]

OK...I get the point with the drinking and have contacted my sponsor to get back on the wagon....stupid mistake on my part

 

Quick update...I am here alone on Father's Day as the wife took the kids to see her dad. She said the she did it to give me a break for a while. What I recently found out is that her New Mexico friend is flying into tomorrow for a some sort of training seminar. I cannot begin to tell you how this is hurting me right now. To say that you are leaving for one reason and it is for something completely different....there are no words to describe how betrayed I feel....

 

As much as I love her....maybe it is time to just let go.....

 

I'm a newbie here, but my situation was very similar in that my wife was still in love with her ex, whom she divorced 25 years ago. If she admitted to still being in love with her ex, you know what you need to do....let it go. Believe me, the longer you wait, the more pain you'll suffer. Ask yourself this question: " Can I ever trust her again? " If you answered " yes ", chances are you're lying to yourself. At the moment you are off balance and the chances of falling are great. You need to work on your emotional balance by using a personal support group. That could be family, friends, professional counseling, this forum, or a combination of several of these. One thing you will find out is who your true friends are. I sure did and I so appreciate and love them for it. For me, it's been a year since the separation and two months since the divorce was final. The water is no longer muddy and I can honestly say that I feel really good. I'm in the best physical shape of my life ( I found that gym time was extremely therapeutic

for me ) and my mind is clear as a bell. Grieve the loss of your relationship, but don't ever get lost in the darkness of grief. Seek the light sooner rather than later. A healthy you, in every way, will not only be beneficial to you, but, perhaps more importantly, your children. You have my best wishes.

[becketwasright]

I have been conflicted with the question of trust and have found myself saying that I cannot trust her. She stated a few months into this process that she doubted that she was in love with me at any point in our married relationship (a comment that hurt like hell BTW). In asking if I was a rebound to be jilted by her ex, she said yes and that the only reason she married me was because she got pregnant with our first child. Funny thing is, I asked her to marry me before she was pregnant and she said yes.....who knows. I am at the point to where I am ready to stop fighting to keep this marriage together....I just feel sorry that my children have to sit ringside....

[becketwasright]

Well it is day 3 with my wife and kids being away from me. I called my wife so as to speak to my kids and as usual, they are either outside playing, swimming or asleep. This has been going on since she got to her dad's house and I feel lost without being able to tell my kids that I love them and miss them. I am fortunate in that one of my friends from work loaned me his car, otherwise I would be staring at four walls all day long and probably going nuts.

Gatormaniac, I do have an issue of trust with my wife. She told me a few months after her "I want my independence" bombshell that she doubted that she was ever in love with me to begin with. Further, she does not love me romantically but as more of a friend. To think that the last nine years has been a lie is hard to take. I asked her a few days ago if maybe I was a rebound to her relationship with the ex and she said that in that context, probably so. She then went on to say that the only reason she married me was because of getting pregnant with our first child. Funny thing is.....I proposed and she accepted a month before she got pregnant. I supposed what is even more ironic is that after proposing I suggested that we take our time and finish up the work on our college degrees and get some heavy duty pre-marital counseling...I was accused of not being able to commit!!!!

I am surronded by the irony of her being the being the first instigate physical intimacy, marriage and almost everything else and now she wants out....

[TrustInYourself]

Well it is day 3 with my wife and kids being away from me. I called my wife so as to speak to my kids and as usual, they are either outside playing, swimming or asleep. This has been going on since she got to her dad's house and I feel lost without being able to tell my kids that I love them and miss them. I am fortunate in that one of my friends from work loaned me his car, otherwise I would be staring at four walls all day long and probably going nuts.

Gatormaniac, I do have an issue of trust with my wife. She told me a few months after her "I want my independence" bombshell that she doubted that she was ever in love with me to begin with. Further, she does not love me romantically but as more of a friend. To think that the last nine years has been a lie is hard to take. I asked her a few days ago if maybe I was a rebound to her relationship with the ex and she said that in that context, probably so. She then went on to say that the only reason she married me was because of getting pregnant with our first child. Funny thing is.....I proposed and she accepted a month before she got pregnant. I supposed what is even more ironic is that after proposing I suggested that we take our time and finish up the work on our college degrees and get some heavy duty pre-marital counseling...I was accused of not being able to commit!!!!

I am surronded by the irony of her being the being the first instigate physical intimacy, marriage and almost everything else and now she wants out....

 

It's all about her current perspective. What she is saying now is the result of a lack of her emotional needs being met. She doesn't feel an emotional connection to you NOW. Of course, that was not the case in the past. When you make reflections, your current feelings will taint and rewrite history to suit your current emotional mindset.

 

It's rough because the milestone to work on the marriage has passed. You must now approach with a different perspective if you want it to work. No more neediness, no more anger, no more demands or pushing, no more arguing. If you want her back, you're going to have to be a complete person. You have to be confident, funny, happy, ready to let go.

 

Your wife is going to want you to suffer. She has suffered. She is going to want you to want out, like she wants out. You can choose. Give in to your emotions or react rationally without basing your actions on emotions.

 

Rational understanding typically leads to behavior you can be proud of.

 

PS - Next time she doesn't let you talk to the kids, I would remind her that the kids need and love both of you. You both deserve time with your children.

[becketwasright]

So are you saying that I should give the impression that I can live without her and and just go with the flow? That is a little hard to do. However, she did call last night and I told her that was not going to call her anymore while she was at her dad's and that is she needed me she knew how to reach me.

I also have a business trip planned for Monday....I was thinking of going a day earlier and spending some time with some close friends. Maybe this will give her the space she needs.

What is interesting is that I think she may be seeing what life is like without me as she constantly is waking me up in the middle of the night when our little one can't go back to sleep. Without me there, she is doing this all by herself and sounds very tired and irritated. Maybe this is giving her a moment of pause.....not sure. I want to be there to help her, but maybe this is for the best

[SingleDad]

I feel the same way as you - I love my wife and my daughter. I do not want our separation to turn into a divorce in 12 months. Everyone seems to be telling me the same thing. Be strong and independent - do it for your kids...

 

But it is so hard to do the NC when kids are involved (NC meaning limiting communication to kids needs only).

 

Legal separation just started last week - Ex Express Train through the process... Now wants me to be friendly to her, despite what she put me through.. How can I be friendly now ? How can I stop being a distraught needy clingy individual ?

[Gatormaniac]

So are you saying that I should give the impression that I can live without her and and just go with the flow? That is a little hard to do. However, she did call last night and I told her that was not going to call her anymore while she was at her dad's and that is she needed me she knew how to reach me.

I also have a business trip planned for Monday....I was thinking of going a day earlier and spending some time with some close friends. Maybe this will give her the space she needs.

What is interesting is that I think she may be seeing what life is like without me as she constantly is waking me up in the middle of the night when our little one can't go back to sleep. Without me there, she is doing this all by herself and sounds very tired and irritated. Maybe this is giving her a moment of pause.....not sure. I want to be there to help her, but maybe this is for the best

 

At this point, all you can do is go with the flow, at least as far as your wife is concerned. Emotions are raw and that can lead to regrets. TrustInYourself is right, she's going to want you to suffer. No doubt that's why she's keeping you out of contact with the kids. Personally, I think that's a really awful decision on her part, but it does illustrate that emotions are raw on both ends. Do everything you can to see/talk to your kids, but by all means, take the time to see your friends. Any distraction is good right now and seeing some old friends will do you a world of good. You need distractions because it allows you to sit back, take a few breaths, and clear your mind. Clear mind = Good decision making.

[TrustInYourself]

Yes, go with the flow, bro. Of course it's hard, you love your wife. Me too!

 

Give her space. Don't talk to her. Focus on you. Enjoy life. Party with your friends. Laugh, cry, and overcome. Be a man! BE A FKIN MAN! LOL!

[Gunny376]

Suck it up and do the best that you can!

 

Be the best that you can!

 

Deal with ~ its called freaking "reality"

 

Leave her alone, and give her the "gift of missing you!"

 

Work on you and becoming the best that you can become!

[becketwasright]

Gunny376....hooyah!!!!

 

I finally got to speak to the kids this morning and they have missed me. They will be coming home tomorrow night. I sent an email to my wife last night and basically said that this week alone has taught me that I can make it on my own (although not my preference) and that I am in the process of just letting go just as she has done with me.

When I spoke with her today, I could tell that she has not had a good time keeping the kids by herself. I guess she thought that her dad would help her more, but that did not work out as planned. She has an on line graphic design business and because of going up to her dad's place she is really behind on some orders. She was equally displeased with me since I am going away on business a day earlier than planned. I have no ill will towards her, but I think she has gotten a glimpse of what it would be like without having me around.....I don't know....does that sound spiteful?

[Gunny376]

Not spiteful ~ but perhaps a little gleeful.

 

What you need to do is focus on your marriage, your wife, your children, your family. Are you and she living to work or working to live ~ its so easy to get caught up in just making a living, especially in this economy.

 

You to project those qualities that you would need to project to find somone else. Being positive, up-beat, agreeable, helpful, and making her and the children the focus and center of your attention, while negotiating some "me" time in later.

 

I was initially oppossed to the whole "HusbandInTheMaking" thread, but I now see it in conjuction with "putting the horse before the cart"

 

You've still got a lot of work to do, and a lot to learn ~ and that's not just you ~ that's all of us. You could live a long full life, and still not have learned it all. Its a lifelong pursuit of knowledge.

[TrustInYourself]

Hell yes, be happy about the separation. Enjoy it. Do not feel bad about it, your wife wanted it. Keep focusing on your happiness and your kids as well.