We're engaged!..but he hasn't told anyone yet

[monkeymags]

I became engaged a little over a week ago. I immediately sent a text message to my friends and sisters telling them the good news. My "fiance" however, has yet to tell his friends and family. Isn't that weird? Aren't people supposed to be really excited and tell everyone right away? Monday I asked him if he had told his friends and family and he said that he hadn't. It upset me and he said that he would email them the next day. He didn't. His brother even saw that I had updated my myspace with news of our engagement and sent him a message asking him about it. As far as I know, he has yet to respond to his brother's message.

 

Yesterday I became really upset because he still hadn't told anyone, and he yelled at me and said that they were his friends and family and that he would tell them when he wanted to and not because I told him to. He did update his myspace relationship status to engaged but then sent me a sarcastic text message saying "i also rented a jet and have a banner announcing the news".

 

The big reason that this upsets me so much is because marriage has been such a hard thing for us. We had been talking about getting engaged for a year, and he had promised me that he was going to do it before a certain date. That date came and he confessed that he still wasn't ready, so I broke up with him. I was so hurt and embarrassed because I had told everyone that I knew that we were going to be getting engaged and I had to tell everyone that we had broken up. This was a few months ago. After we broke up, it seemed that he was finally working really hard on his issues. He read a number of self-help books and wrote in a journal and he eventually shared the journal with me. I was happy that he was dealing with his problems, but I was ready to move on and start dating other people.

 

When I told him that I was going to start dating other people, he told me that he had bought a ring and he forwarded me an email with a picture of the ring and notice from the jeweler that he had actually purchased it and that it was being shipped. I was really happy about that, but still apprehensive since he had hurt me so much before, and because he had promised me the same thing before and wasn't able to follow through.

 

But, he planned a great night and proposed and it was perfect. He really went above and beyond to make the night romantic and special. Now my fears are returning though. I keep picking fights with him and I have cried quite a bit over the past two days because he still hasn't told his friends and family. He said that has told people from his work, but he hasn't told anyone who would actually be invited to the wedding or anything. I am scared that he has changed his mind or that he really isn't serious about wanting to get married and that is why he isn't telling the people who actually matter in his life. He really isn't close to his family, he only sees them on holidays, but shouldn't he be eager to share the good news?

 

He acts like I am being crazy when I get so upset with him about it, but it is really hard for me to trust him, given the way that he acted in the past. I would think that he would be understanding of my insecurities and that he would want to do everything that he could to prove that he was serious. My sisters want to go dress shopping and to start helping me plan the wedding, but I don't really feel comfortable doing that stuff yet. When I ask him when and where he wants to get married he just says "sometime next year" and he doesn't seem very excited about it.

 

I hope that maybe I can get some input and maybe some advice. I don't think that I am being irrational, but it can't hurt to hear some impartial opinions. This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life, but I feel like a nervous wreck. We keep fighting and it makes me feel sick whenever I ask him if he has told people and when he tells me that he hasn't. Don't people normally want to share the news with the people that they care about?

 

Thank you for reading this long post! I am eager to read responses.

[oceangrl]

How long have you been dating before you got engaged? The way I see it is...you create what you share--meaning that if you act out your fears and insecurities to your fiance about the validity of the engagement...he will also react in fear from how often he is told that hes doing things wrong. When you share negativity, it creates negativity.

 

When you're driven by fear, its hard to control these negative emotions--its like these emotions control you...the things you say...your thoughts...your body language. Its like a cycle--fear about the engagement leads to negative emotions, sharing these emotions causes more negativity, and more negativity leads to more fear.

 

My point is that the fear you are experiencing is rubbing off onto your partner. Men respond to fear differently than women--they either confront it (perhaps by challenging it), or they ignore it. Hes ignoring the fear...fear that maybe hes not doing a good job making you happy which he interprets from the negativity you express from your fear of the engagement not following through. And maybe hes thinking that if he cant make you happy now...what chance is there to make you happy once you really are married? And expressing your fears by picking fights and crying will only push him further away because you are bringing him to the same emotional level. You said that these emotions are making you feel sick--I'm sure its affecting him too....and affecting your relationship.

 

You are interpreting his behavior (not telling his family and friends) as a sign that he isn't excited to get married. Could it be that your fear is causing you to interpret this in a negative way? Maybe it isn't as important to him as it is to you that everyone knows. Men don't communicate like women....most men don't call their family/friends to have hour long conversations (or at least the men I know). Even if he does tell everyone, it would only help you feel better short term...but in the long run, it wont resolve the fear of not having control...not knowing what will happen. The only thing you can control is your own emotions so that they don't control you.

 

Have you ever asked one of your guy friends about why hes in a relationship with a certain girl? A lot of times you hear guys say..."cuz she makes me happy..." You create what you share. You are engaged. Be happy about that because thats a huge step already and its only been a few weeks. The family and friends will know whenever your fiance tells them and just because he hasn't done that yet....doesn't mean he doesn't want to marry you....it just means hes not perfect...no one is perfect. Don't let the things you think he should do affect you in such a negative way. Be happy with your engagement and share that happiness with him.

[Aloros]

My fiance took longer to tell people - he told a couple people right away, but expected most to sort of hear it through the grapevine. He just wasn't into investing all the time and energy.

 

But, the fact that he didn't even reply to his brother's message? That waves a red flag to me. It sounds almost like he's doing it on purpose, and not unintentionally.

 

Mind you, all I know of your relationship are the paragraphs that you wrote, but my first thought is that he proposed to keep you.

 

Some people may not be as "into" weddings as others are, but it shouldn't be a chore to pin someone down on a date and place. Are you certain that he's dealt with his issues appropriately? Has he talked to a counselor? What steps has he made toward changing?

 

The last thing you want to do is to drag him down that aisle. What's the point if he doesn't want it as badly as you do?

 

First things first. Pull yourself together. You need to have a serious heart-to-heart with your fiance and you need to be able to be rational and calm. I know this is an emotionally charged issue, but I guarantee the minute you start bawling, he's going to shut down. He'll either try too hard to appease you (and you need to know his true feelings) or he'll stop listening to you.

 

Just lay everything out on the table (that people normally tell their family right away, that you're hurt that he hasn't, and you wonder what this means in terms of your pending marriage - try to use "I" statements) and ask him why he hasn't told anyone. He owes you an honest answer.

 

Hope this helps!

[lexi29]

I hate to say this but when I first got engaged (I was 19) to a guy I was dating I didnt' tell ANYONE except my best friends for quite a while. THe reason was I was afraid my family would disapprove. Maybe your fiance is afraid of what his family will say (he's too young, he's not ready etc). Also a guy who is excited about getting engaged will tell EVERYONE he's close to normally right away (my now-fiance told his family before he even asked me) When my sister got engaged she didn't tell anyone for 3 months (except one of her close friends. She got engaged in August and didn't tell her family till thanksgiving (when she visited and we'd see the ring). HEr fiance was furious that she didn't tell anyone. She told me she didn't want to tell anyone because she just wasnt sure if the relationship was going to last.

 

Maybe your fiance just isnt' as excited about the engagement as you are. Maybe he's just afraid of his family's reaction. I wish you luck though!

[2sunny]

now that you are FORCING him to do it your way (which is the way it actually was all along ie the proposal date) he is very resentful of you. he will not be happy with your nagging and strong expectations. i'm sure he's thinking - geez, why doesn't she just let me move along at my own pace without all the pushing? he will retaliate at one point or another - i guarantee it.

 

why are you trying to control him and everything about this? to dodge embarrassment? come on - give it a rest.

 

now you have embarrassed HIM by allowing his brother to see it on myspace before he was ready to share the news.

 

something about your relationship seems lopsided to me. if i were him i would be reluctant too. (i am a woman btw).

 

sorry - just being honest without an agenda...

[vander]

It seems like he only proposed due to pressure. Engagement has to be the man's idea. It doesn't sound like the engagement was his idea.

 

If he wanted to be engaged, he would be proud of the engagement and he would be shouting it from the rooftops. As it is, his silence indicates resentment, fear, and defeat. Of course he won't be excited about a wedding that he isn't ready to have.

 

Picking fights with him and crying won't make things easier for him. In his mind, he gave you what you wanted, but you're still not happy with him. No wonder he thinks you're crazy.

 

If you're still ready to move on and date other people, let him go. It sounds like he's in over his head and wants out.

[Mary3]

How long have you been dating before you got engaged? The way I see it is...you create what you share--meaning that if you act out your fears and insecurities to your fiance about the validity of the engagement...he will also react in fear from how often he is told that hes doing things wrong. When you share negativity, it creates negativity.

 

When you're driven by fear, its hard to control these negative emotions--its like these emotions control you...the things you say...your thoughts...your body language. Its like a cycle--fear about the engagement leads to negative emotions, sharing these emotions causes more negativity, and more negativity leads to more fear.

 

My point is that the fear you are experiencing is rubbing off onto your partner. Men respond to fear differently than women--they either confront it (perhaps by challenging it), or they ignore it. Hes ignoring the fear...fear that maybe hes not doing a good job making you happy which he interprets from the negativity you express from your fear of the engagement not following through. And maybe hes thinking that if he cant make you happy now...what chance is there to make you happy once you really are married? And expressing your fears by picking fights and crying will only push him further away because you are bringing him to the same emotional level. You said that these emotions are making you feel sick--I'm sure its affecting him too....and affecting your relationship.

 

You are interpreting his behavior (not telling his family and friends) as a sign that he isn't excited to get married. Could it be that your fear is causing you to interpret this in a negative way? Maybe it isn't as important to him as it is to you that everyone knows. Men don't communicate like women....most men don't call their family/friends to have hour long conversations (or at least the men I know). Even if he does tell everyone, it would only help you feel better short term...but in the long run, it wont resolve the fear of not having control...not knowing what will happen. The only thing you can control is your own emotions so that they don't control you.

 

Have you ever asked one of your guy friends about why hes in a relationship with a certain girl? A lot of times you hear guys say..."cuz she makes me happy..." You create what you share. You are engaged. Be happy about that because thats a huge step already and its only been a few weeks. The family and friends will know whenever your fiance tells them and just because he hasn't done that yet....doesn't mean he doesn't want to marry you....it just means hes not perfect...no one is perfect. Don't let the things you think he should do affect you in such a negative way. Be happy with your engagement and share that happiness with him.

 

Beautifully Spoken. It was so well written I can only add that he feels pressured by you into telling his family.

 

And the fear and uneasiness likely will spread to further things down the road.

 

I would relax , back off immediately and stop asking him when , where , how ( regarding the whole marraige thing ).

[Walk]

We had been talking about getting engaged for a year, and he had promised me that he was going to do it before a certain date. That date came and he confessed that he still wasn't ready, so I broke up with him.

 

I'm really having a hard time with your post. You seem... controlling, and retailitory when things don't go your way. There isn't much room for how your fiance feels about things. You interpret his actions to fit your world, but you didn't take into account who your fiance is, or his life.

 

For instance, you stated that your fiance is not close to his family at all, and only see's them on holidays. You assumed that he would want to share his most intimate moment (proposing) with people he chooses to keep his distance from. You interpret his actions without really understanding your fiance.

 

I was so hurt and embarrassed because I had told everyone that I knew that we were going to be getting engaged and I had to tell everyone that we had broken up.

You seem to assume a great deal about who your fiance is, and how he feels about things. You assumed he would propose, and you were disappointed when things didn't go the way you assumed they would. You planned your life without hearing, or talking to your fiance about what was really going on. You blamed him for the lack of communication.

 

And in the next instance, you're over the relationship and ready to move on....

This was a few months ago. After we broke up, it seemed that he was finally working really hard on his issues. He read a number of self-help books and wrote in a journal and he eventually shared the journal with me. I was happy that he was dealing with his problems, but I was ready to move on and start dating other people.

 

You two don't communicate. You make too many assumptions about what his actions mean without actually Talking to your fiance about his intentions or feelings toward things. You pressure him into conforming to your views, and you disregard his own thoughts.

 

If you keep this up, and you actually make it to the wedding day, then you two will NOT stay married for long. YOU need to work on how to listen to your fiance. Comprimise and understanding your partner will get you so much farther then pressuring and blindly assuming they're on the same page.

 

I feel you set yourself up for a hard fall, and you're going to hurt even more if you don't stop blaming your fiance for all your troubles.

[GPFan]

He has clearly shown that he is not enthusiastic about being engaged at this point in time. I am sure you realise he put on his proposal show in order to keep you in the relationship.

 

He wants to be in relationship without the engagement.

 

 

now that you are FORCING him to do it your way (which is the way it actually was all along ie the proposal date) he is very resentful of you. he will not be happy with your nagging and strong expectations. i'm sure he's thinking - geez, why doesn't she just let me move along at my own pace without all the pushing? he will retaliate at one point or another - i guarantee it.

I agree. Resentment is already beginning to leak out in obvious ways.

 

Think about it for a while but your breaking the engagement whilst agreeing to remain in relationship with him may be the right thing to do for now. Otherwise, break it off completely because neither one of you will be happy in a marriage built on coercion and resentment.