Can i trust her if she can lie to me that easily?

[AcId]

I'm 19 years old (my g/f is 18) and i have been with my current girlfriend for a year.

 

After about the first 6 months of the relationship things weren't working and we broke up. We then got back together about a month later. And everything was great, exactly the way it ws before and we both loved each other more blah blah blah, all of that.

 

Then a few nights ago, she told me she slept with someone during the time we were broken up - and i'm cool with that, it doesn't matter. People sleep with people, no big deal.

 

The problem is when we both first got together, we had our first time together. And honesty is a big part of who i am - i don't lie.

 

I didn't sleep with anyone while we weren't together.

 

The problem is i asked her when we first got back together if she did, and she told me she hadn't and reassured me numerous times during these last 6 months she hadn't.

 

What's bugging me is the fact she lied to me about this - constantly for 6 months. Can i trust her if she can lie to me that easily?

 

I will say a few things: When she told me she was basically inconsolable in tears and i felt she genuinely felt bad about lying to me. I also understand we were not together so she didn't cheat on me and i don't feel as though she did - i would have slept with another girl given the chance, so it's not the actual act (ok, several acts with the same person) that has me feeling the way i do. It's the fact that she didn't tell me. She had me thinking i was her "one and only" - and to be honest it was something i was very proud of; the fact the two of us were 18/19 and had only had the one partner and both very serious about each other.

 

I totally "forgiven" her for not being honest with me - but i still feel ...something, i still feel really bad she lied to me and i can deal with it, But any advice would be much appreciated.

 

Alan.

[Tony T]

Well, Alan, what she did when she wasn't with you was NONE of your business. It would have been better had she made no comment at all but given her options she lied to spare you grief, a scene and whatever. Your biggest problem is not that she lied but why did she suddenly decide to pour out the truth now. Did you keep hounding her? If so, shame on you. Did she want to hurt you? If so, shame on her. Did she want to clear her conscience? If so, she did and you need to understand that.

 

If you are so dense that you can't understand why she didn't want to tell you she screwed another guy upon getting back with you, then you don't deserve her. Either let it go or let her go. You ought to appreciate people who try to spare your feelings if that's what she was trying to do. Knowing this information would neither make you a better person nor a worse person but not knowing it would have the least impact on the reconciliation. Maybe she did use bad judgement in not making this disclosure, in your opinion, but she meant no malice.

 

I think your girlfriend deserves a more understanding guy...especially if she's truthful in all other matters.

[AcId]

Thanks for your comments, i appreciate that. And you're right.

 

But maybe i did forget to mention i had no bad words to say to her and told her myself it happened when we weren't together thus it didn't matter.

 

And subsequently we're totally fine, i told her i felt bad about her lying to me, but the actual event isn't my business and everything's fine.

 

I just had some doubts and felt a little sh|tty because of it all.

 

Am i being selfish? Sure, probably, but it's wrong to judge me because of that.

 

Alan

 

P.S. I do believe what happened when she wasn't with me is my business. That goes both ways. Especially if it involves sexual matters. It is extremely important in any relationship i'm in that we're mutually completely honest - maybe you can't appreciate that, but if i ask something i expect to:

A) Be told the truth, or

B) Be told it's none of my business, not be lied to.

[tyme]

what she did when she wasn't with you was NONE of your business

 

How is your opinion on this in a I guess "trial seperation"? Sometimes it tears at me, best I can do is trust she doesn't. I've done alot towards just letting go and seeing what happens next. I definatly feel better these days. I figure either way it goes, I will eventually be happier. One will just take a bit longer.

 

Oh, and to the guy about honesty. I agree 100%. Truth sets you free.

[CLARRIE]

Maybe she was afraid to tell you because she thought that her having slept with someone else would hurt you since you both had your fiest time together. You know, like as if that thing that was special and unique to both of you had been spoiled. I know that i felt that way when i was with other guys during a break up period. My boyfriend always felt that I was extra special to him because we were both virgins when we got together.

 

I reckon she lied because she didn't want to ruin your image of her in this way..

[ct33]

I think a good deal of the info. that you've received from other replies on this board have been flawed. I went through exactly what you did, and i know how rough it is. You feel like you've been cheated on. You feel like there is nothing in this world that you wouldn't do to be able to take HER act back. You can't get the image of her being with him out of your head. You don't know if you can trust her, and you don't know what knid of person she really is. I know, I've been there. So let me give you a no BS enlightenment to how it really is.

 

First, understand one thing. You did and still do have the right to know. You asked her questions before you got back together w/ her, and she was supposed to have answered those questions honestly. In effect, you entered into the relationship with one thing in mind, and received another. In the real world (outside of relationships) this would constitute a lack of full disclosure, and would void any contract. The fact that she slept with him while you were broken up is obviouly something that was important to you. You have the right to date anyone you so choose, and your decision to date her was based, albeit in part, on the facts that she had told you. Would you have gotten back together w/ her had she told you the truth up front? Just remember, if it was important to you, and if it was a major element that the relationship was predicated upon, you had the right to know, regardless if it was or is important to anyone else. It's your life; you choose the qualities/attributes you want in a woman because they are imprtant to YOU!

 

have you ever heard of STD's? Well, Alan's situation is one in which they usually get passed. Wake up! Alan, would you have required that she be tested had you of known? You should require it. Even if her partner did use a condom, she could have contracted genital warts or herpes. 1 in 5 people over age 12 has herpes. You had the right to know purely because she put you in a harmful situation.

 

Now, getting to the issue involving a future w/ this girl. Have things really been great since the initial break-up, or are you just becoming possessive because you found out she was with another man? Don't laugh, because many people walk through life not truly caring about their relationship, only to become extremely jealous or possessive when they find out about their partners being w/ someone else. Sit back, evaluate, and determine whether she truly is the girl that you love. If she is, then you need to proceed openly and communicatively.

 

It's OK to ask her every question that comes into your mind. She lied to you, and now she needs to be perfectly honest. Just remember to not get bogged down with visualizing the act. This is the 21 century, and woman as well as men have sex more randomly than ever. You will be hard pressed to find a girl that is a vrigin her entire life. I know that it was important to you that you were her first and only, but does it really matter? She had sex w/ him, but presumably she makes love w/ you. There's a huge difference! Also, think of this: if she never had sex w/ him, and you two were to eventually get married, then she would always be curious about what it would be like to be with another man. It's better that she quell her curiosity now, than to cheat on you when you're married! I know that it is sad to think, but it is natural, intrinsic human desire. She is human, just like you and I.

 

Also, evaluate this: did she lie to you for her own personal gain, or did she lie to you to prevent a loss? A lie is a lie, but motives and intentions are a major factor. To rebut what was posted in a previous reply, she did not conceal the info. from you in order to spare you the pain of not knowing. I can guarantee that she was not thinking about that. She lied to you because she probably cares very much for you, and because you compliment her life in such a positive way that she could not bare losing you.

 

The key fact is that you need to communicate w/ her and be honest. This is a great lesson in how lies and bottled up feelings/emotions can ruin relationships. How much easier would it have been had she told you right away!? That way, you would have been able to make the conscious decision to enter into the relationship or not to. Now you probably feel stuck. You've had a wonderful six months, and truly care for the girl, but now you don't know if you can be with her. Don't feel like your experiences since you've been back w/ her have been belittled. Take from them the happiness that you have attained, because it was genuine at the time, and still is today. One more thing. Put yourself in her shoes. Can you imagine having to keep something hidden for so long in fear that if the one you love were to find out that you would lose them? It must have been equally as difficult for her. I feel your pain Alan. Stay strong, and remember to look out for your best interests. She needs to be truly special, and show you that she is working very hard to help ease your pain and make you feel loved. Good luck!

[KimberlyQ]

ct33, i completely agree with you with regard to many of your points. ultimately, i don't believe there is any justification for manipulating someone's reality in order to benefit yourself.

 

my last boyfriend, who has been my greatest love thus far, lied to me about having lunch w/ a female co-worker. though i'd never shown signs of jealousy, his explanation was basically that he didn't know how i'd react and he didn't want to want to rock the boat and was avoiding any potential conflict. though i have huge fears about being cheated on (as it's happened 5x in the past), i believed him. we did eventually break up anyway, though, as this caused a lot of distrust in our relationship; i basically couldn't rely on him to be honest w/ me.

[vollie]

Kimberley,

 

It's interesting that the lack if mistrust eventually led to the break up of your relationship. QT33 - all I can say about your comments - you have obviously had a bit of life experience there, and I think that you're a wise person indeed.

 

I am currently going through something where my girlfriend got way too close to someone whom she knows well in a foreigh country, and I found out about it 2 months later. She would not have told me, had I not found out, and although we have had our tears and apologies, there has been a serious breach of trust - NOT so much because she was with another man, but because she failed to tell me about it and be straight with me. Yes sure, she did not want to wreck the relationship, and I can understand this, but because she was telling me how much she loved me for those 2 months, and me being none the wiser that she was carrying a load of guilt.... things are now on a serious downward slope!! All sorts of questions have entered my mind... so much so, that I wrote her a long email, and told her EXACTLY what I was thinking (not in an unkind way... just objectively)... so that at least she will know some of the things that she may want to know about how I now feel. If this is too much for her to take and she can't take the heat, then maybe it's not for us, but my choice is to try to work this thing through with her, because I love her dearly... and this means VERY clear communication, delivered as it is, but in a loving way.

 

Honestly, I find this hard!

 

I also agree that it's not for you to judge her on what she did when she was not with you, as this is really her business, but for her not to have answered you honestly, is going to take some working through. The decision is yours.... you may forgive, but it's more difficult to forget.

 

If you love her as you say... and you decide to stay with her, then try to communicate with her about exactly how you feel... so that she does not sit around wondering how you feel.

 

And if you decide to stay with her.... don't bring this situation up, as it will only prolong the hurt that both of you are feeling.

 

It takes a strong man to do this, but remember, we all make mistakes, and I agree with all the above postees - she meant no malice, she was just trying to save things between you both, but she made the mistake of thinking that a small bit of dishonesty would cover it up... unfortunately, she would never really have felt free, had she failed to disclose this to you... so for her sake, it's a good thing that she eventually told you... and do credit her for eventually telling you... she does not sound like a bad girl... look after her!!

 

Life's too short for living "The Unforgiven"

[KimberlyQ]

Originally posted by vollie

Kimberley,

 

It's interesting that the lack if mistrust eventually led to the break up of your relationship.

vollie, when i found out about the lie, i was going to break up w/ my BF, but we decided we loved each other and we should try to get through it. i asked for complete honesty w/ him from that point on, especially with regard to this female friend, but it's not his personality type. he fibs to avoid conflict or to try to spare others' feelings, but we specifically agreed he would be completely honest with me. this didn't happen. it wasn't just because that one time but because of the subsequent snowballing of events.

 

incidentally, when i made the realization that i was too judgmental and not forgiving enough before, we did get back together, but he ended things with me less than a week later, saying that things were too difficult and we weren't compatible. i felt that if we truly worked to understand each other, it could have worked, but he didn't have the same faith. he has been divorced twice, as he does not stick around to fix things. anyway, he just dumped me last thursday and i've been trying to learn from it all while healing at the same time. it's quite painful.

[vollie]

Hey Kimberley,

 

I'm sorry about what you are going through. It seems that you have a lot of faith and the ability to work through things... even in the face of difficulties - a great quality to have... and I think you are going to make some man very very happy one day!!!

 

Faith, I guess, is the key to things working out in the long run.

 

I hope your spirit heals quickly. I'll pray that it does.

 

Keep looking up, girl!

 

(Yeah.. I'm trying to look up myself... and yes, it is difficult)

[KimberlyQ]

hi vollie:

 

thanks for your kind words.

 

i definitely empathize with you. before we broke up, i was really torn up about things. i had many doubts and insecurities, and i felt like i couldn't tolerate them anymore. i realized later that i was still willing to try to fight for the relationship because of how strongly i felt for this person. sappy, eh?

 

when are you expecting to hear back from your GF? are you also going to have a conversation with her about this? where do you currently stand?

 

best,

kimberly

[vollie]

Hi KimberleyQ,

 

I have written one of those... "let me spill out all my thoughts and see what happens" emails today... and she usually emails me back in the evening, but ... not this evening, so I guess she's either hurt because of what I said (not that I was unkind in any way)... or else perhaps she does not know how to respond or deal with what I have said... it's all a guess for now, so I will call her tomorrow night to see how she feels, and we can talk.

 

I sent her a bunch of 12 roses tonight... so at least when they arrive tomorrow, she'll not think that I'm giving her the cold shoulder. It's just that if there is something troubling me... then why not talk about it?? I think it's real important to be really honest with each other... because, let's face it, whomever you marry is going to see you for your true colours... so why not start being straight with each other now, so that when the matrimonial arrangements come along with whomever... one day... at least I'll have a track record of being upfront about things.... and I guess this is something I am just really putting into practice of late... as I used to spend far too much time being the peace-keeper... which got me nowhere, because I was neglecting what I wanted or needed in a relationship... when it should be a 2-way street.... story of my life, but nevertheless.

 

I just hope I have not said things in a hurtful way, but I tried to be careful and do a proof-read before clicking the dreaded "Send" button!

 

I would have included the mail here for you to see... but it's WAY too long, and you'de fall asleep reading it!

 

(Will let you know how it went!)

[KimberlyQ]

i'm sure you wrote it quite eloquently and sensitively. i can tell that you're a very kind person.

 

i bumped into my ex last night @ the grocery store, and today i am reeling. any progress i had made since last week getting over things disappeared. he emailed today and i told him that i am incredibly sad. then he wrote me this:

i still love you. i want you to be happy. should i stop contacting you during this time? what i said last night about not being convinced in my heart that we are done is true. i would like to spend some time alone, and think, and grieve, and call you if/when i know that i want to spend the rest of my life with you. and i know that you will probably tell me to take a hike at that point, that it is too late, maybe that you met someone else. and i will pay the price and suffer and wish i had not lost you. but i don't see an alternative to that melodrama. this may be the alone time that i was supposed to take before you and i met. i blame myself for that too. anything i can do to help you or make you feel better or hurt you less... please tell me and i will do it. i hope you don't regret having met me.

 

i love you very very very much.

i am tempted to tell him that i am moving on w/ my life and to not contact me again.

[hoopsy32]

Originally posted by AcId Then a few nights ago, she told me she slept with someone during the time we were broken up - and i'm cool with that, it doesn't matter. People sleep with people, no big deal.

 

The problem is when we both first got together, we had our first time together. And honesty is a big part of who i am - i don't lie.

 

I didn't sleep with anyone while we weren't together.

 

The problem is i asked her when we first got back together if she did, and she told me she hadn't and reassured me numerous times during these last 6 months she hadn't.

 

What's bugging me is the fact she lied to me about this - constantly for 6 months. Can i trust her if she can lie to me that easily?

 

 

 

Originally posted by AcId I totally "forgiven" her for not being honest with me - but i still feel ...something, i still feel really bad she lied to me and i can deal with it, But any advice would be much appreciated.

 

Oh, I [color=violet]SO[/color] know your pain. Almost the same thing happened with my boyfriend and I, except he slept with someone while we were apart, and I didn't. Like you, I had asked him when we got back together after being apart for 3 months... he just couldn't tell me because he knows my problems with all my 'emotional baggage' and he didn't want to add to it.

 

It was very painful for me because he was in South Korea during his active duty tour for the Army when I found out, and what made it the worst of all was that I didn't find out from him. His so-called best friend was boasting that he knew more about my boyfriend than I did to his g/f (at the time), who is my best friend. Not too smart, girls tell each other stuff, duh dummy.

 

Anyway... it took A LONG time to let it go, but I did. It still hurts that he lied to me for almost a year about it, but I understand how he says he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to hurt me or lose me. I think it depends on how much you really love each other whether or not the trust will still be there.

[Nostalghia]

Uhh ................ you're 19 years old. Get over it cause you ain't seen nothing yet. Play the field and sleep with others. Gain some experience and you will be immune to crap like that as it's barely an issue to be pissed about!

[vollie]

Hi Kimberley,

 

I'm was going to write this privately, because we have people like Nostalghia who have begun to add their 2 penny's worth into the thread, and he's never going to experience any genuine kind of caring for someone who's mind and body he chooses to abuse with his "Let's all play the field" attitude, sad, but true.... but since he's a free man in a free world, we will appreciate his subjective viewpoints for what they are. He says you are only 19 and not to be "pissed" about stuff like this... well, I'm 32, and things like this bother me. It does not get any better now that you're older. Anyway... to get back to your last post...

 

Anyway... to get back to your last addition... Kimberley, have you noticed that your EX has referred to himself 23 times and has referred to you 11 and to the both of you once. It's beginning to sound as though this relationship is all about himself, and he backs this up by what he actually says. He wants everything on his own terms... he needs to grieve?? What about you. Surely you hurt too?

 

i would like to spend some time alone, and think, and grieve, and call you if/when i know that i want to spend the rest of my life with you. and i know that you will probably tell me to take a hike at that point, that it is too late, maybe that you met someone else. and i will pay the price and suffer and wish i had not lost you. but i don't see an alternative to that melodrama. this may be the alone time that i was supposed to take before you and i met

 

Kimberley, just looking at the above excerpt, he wants to spend time alone and call you whenever he wants... not knowing how you will feel, or bothering to ask you because he uses the terms

Probably tell me to take a hike

. I get the impression that he would appreciate it if you put your life on hold for him while he makes up his mind about what he wants. Remember, it was him who left you... yet he seems to think that it is his right to call the shots. Kimberley, I am not hearing from his words that he's really concerned about how you are doing personally because although he mentions that he wants to help you (ie - "If there's anything I can do...."), he has spent so much of the time talking about himself.

 

Kimberley, here's one thing that raised alarm bells in my mind....

He has been divorced twice and does not stick around to fix things

 

How are you going to establish some peace of mind... with this type of pattern? Are you going to live in uncertainty.

 

Kimberley... ask yourself if you are really prepepred to exercise faith in this man...

the definition of faith from the bible is a rather good place to begin... here it is, and perhaps you should think about it some...

 

"Hebrews 11

By Faith

1Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

 

Although this is referring to things in a biblical sense, the definition could be applied to all things, since it makes perfect sense.

 

Are you sure and are you certain? I guess that if the answer to this is no, then you need to carefully consider what it is that you may be letting yourself in for.

 

I feel that in writing this to you, that I am beginning to answer my own questions about my relationship with my girlfriend, and I don't really want to face up to it because I do not want to lose her... but there is so much uncertainty....

 

mmmm... ok, I'll post this before it becomes a book

 

Last thought...Why is it that we seldom tell people what it really on our minds because we are so afraid of what they will think if they know how we think??

[jenny]

this is a really tough one, particularly at this age. i understand why you might feel proud of the 'one-and-only' status - and that's valuable but based more on ideals than actual humans.

 

i think what you must decide now is if this image of 'a girl who has only been with you' is more valuable to you than your girlfriend as a living individual human, who makes mistakes and has the courage to owe up to them.

 

you have a right to be upset about the honesty, but not about the event. i do believe she probably lied to spare your feelings, and possibly because she is scared of how much emphasis you place on this ideal of a 'one and only' rather than her living, changing, sexuality; but that's only a reason, not an excuse.

 

let go of this hurt. you guys sound like you have a good thing, it's rare. if you are secure in yourself you do not need to have control over what a person did while not in a relationship with you; you will not need control over their history.

 

take care, keep updating - j

 

 

 

Originally posted by AcId

I'm 19 years old (my g/f is 18) and i have been with my current girlfriend for a year.

 

After about the first 6 months of the relationship things weren't working and we broke up. We then got back together about a month later. And everything was great, exactly the way it ws before and we both loved each other more blah blah blah, all of that.

 

Then a few nights ago, she told me she slept with someone during the time we were broken up - and i'm cool with that, it doesn't matter. People sleep with people, no big deal.

 

The problem is when we both first got together, we had our first time together. And honesty is a big part of who i am - i don't lie.

 

I didn't sleep with anyone while we weren't together.

 

The problem is i asked her when we first got back together if she did, and she told me she hadn't and reassured me numerous times during these last 6 months she hadn't.

 

What's bugging me is the fact she lied to me about this - constantly for 6 months. Can i trust her if she can lie to me that easily?

 

I will say a few things: When she told me she was basically inconsolable in tears and i felt she genuinely felt bad about lying to me. I also understand we were not together so she didn't cheat on me and i don't feel as though she did - i would have slept with another girl given the chance, so it's not the actual act (ok, several acts with the same person) that has me feeling the way i do. It's the fact that she didn't tell me. She had me thinking i was her "one and only" - and to be honest it was something i was very proud of; the fact the two of us were 18/19 and had only had the one partner and both very serious about each other.

 

I totally "forgiven" her for not being honest with me - but i still feel ...something, i still feel really bad she lied to me and i can deal with it, But any advice would be much appreciated.

 

Alan.

[jenny]

this is a really tough one, particularly at this age. i understand why you might feel proud of the 'one-and-only' status - and that's valuable but based more on ideals than actual humans.

 

i think what you must decide now is if this image of 'a girl who has only been with you' is more valuable to you than your girlfriend as a living individual human, who makes mistakes and has the courage to owe up to them.

 

you have a right to be upset about the honesty, but not about the event. i do believe she probably lied to spare your feelings, and possibly because she is scared of how much emphasis you place on this ideal of a 'one and only' rather than her living, changing, sexuality; but that's only a reason, not an excuse.

 

let go of this hurt. you guys sound like you have a good thing, it's rare. if you are secure in yourself you do not need to have control over what a person did while not in a relationship with you; you will not need control over their history.

 

take care, keep updating - j

 

 

 

Originally posted by AcId

I'm 19 years old (my g/f is 18) and i have been with my current girlfriend for a year.

 

After about the first 6 months of the relationship things weren't working and we broke up. We then got back together about a month later. And everything was great, exactly the way it ws before and we both loved each other more blah blah blah, all of that.

 

Then a few nights ago, she told me she slept with someone during the time we were broken up - and i'm cool with that, it doesn't matter. People sleep with people, no big deal.

 

The problem is when we both first got together, we had our first time together. And honesty is a big part of who i am - i don't lie.

 

I didn't sleep with anyone while we weren't together.

 

The problem is i asked her when we first got back together if she did, and she told me she hadn't and reassured me numerous times during these last 6 months she hadn't.

 

What's bugging me is the fact she lied to me about this - constantly for 6 months. Can i trust her if she can lie to me that easily?

 

I will say a few things: When she told me she was basically inconsolable in tears and i felt she genuinely felt bad about lying to me. I also understand we were not together so she didn't cheat on me and i don't feel as though she did - i would have slept with another girl given the chance, so it's not the actual act (ok, several acts with the same person) that has me feeling the way i do. It's the fact that she didn't tell me. She had me thinking i was her "one and only" - and to be honest it was something i was very proud of; the fact the two of us were 18/19 and had only had the one partner and both very serious about each other.

 

I totally "forgiven" her for not being honest with me - but i still feel ...something, i still feel really bad she lied to me and i can deal with it, But any advice would be much appreciated.

 

Alan.

[KimberlyQ]

vollie:

 

for some reason, i wasn't notified of your last post; sorry for the seemingly tardy reply. after some soul searching, i told my ex that i was moving on with my life and that he shouldn't contact me again. you are, of course, right that he is quite self-centered. i truly feel that he was the wrong person for me. i had a really difficult week last week, not sleeping, crying a lot and such, but this week i am feeling better as i realize this is the right path.

 

you last comment is interesting--i am seldom afraid of telling others how i think. honesty is very, very important to me. i don't want people choosing me out of false pretenses; i want them to choose me because of who i really am (and vice versa of course). i wish people would just cut the b.s. out.

 

how are you doing? have you 2 communicated?

 

cheers,

kimberly

 

p.s. i'm not 19, i'm 33. i think the other person was referring to someone else above.