heatherG Posted July 23, 2003 Share Posted July 23, 2003 Hi all, This is my first post, and I am glad to have found this website. I have an issue that has been eating away at me- which I can't really tell friends about....here goes: I have been married for 3 years, w/him for 6 yrs total. I can honestly say that sometimes it seems "too good to be true"; he is a good listener, best friend, funny, etc. Last summer I found a receipt for $100 spent at an adult store- I FREAKED out! I was hurt, angry, shocked, and I attacked him about this. He told me that it was "just a couple of videos" and I was overreacting. I talked to my counselor, and managed to get through/over it. A couple of weeks ago I found another receipt for $85 - this time I remained composed and asked why? Why is he doing this, do I not "do it" for him any more? He didn't talk to me for two days and I told him that I deserved an explanation. He finally told me I was "being ridiculous" and that if I didn't already know what kind of guy he was, what was I doing with him? He then said I was trying to "control" him. He said we "hardly ever do it" and he said he can "take a hint" (that I'm not very interested in him sexually). He then said " I don' t bug you about it (me not wanting it)"....in other words, he's taking care of business w/out imposing on me. Again with therapy, I am getting through this. I feel as though his responsibility, before turning to porn, was to share with me his feelings of what was lacking between us- he never did that and in my mind took the easy way out. Okay, now for the worst part: I have been feeling suspicious of him and hating the secrecry surrounding the whole porn thing. We have a joint credit card which he pays and files statements - trust is not an issue, I never look at these statements. Curiousity got the best of me yesterday. I looked at all the statements, going back to 1999. There are between 2-4 charges from our phone number, at about $30.00 a piece, per month. I called the 1-800 # to find out what it was for- they were a billing service for things like internet and phone services- so this was either phone sex or internet porn. This, to me, is a LARGE amount of money and is very frequent. I don't so much as spend $50.00 on running shoes w/out talking to him. I feel betrayed, I feel like he's a sneak and looking at God knows what. I feel like a naive moron who has been too trusting. I have never seen signs of "porn addicition" and we're home together a lot, always hanging out. If I hadn't snooped I wouldn't have known about this--- Should I bring this up to him? I know he'll say the same thing as before---does this sound like an addicition?? Is it normal for married guys to use porn on a regular basis?? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Part of me wants to kill him, the other part wants to excuse it and say its a guy thing- I truly love him and want to have a good life with him- but this is bothering me deeply.... Thanks for reading- Heather Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted July 23, 2003 Share Posted July 23, 2003 There is no normal here but this kind of behavior, done in secret and which ultimately may destroy a relationship, is serious. The thing you both need to do is schedule a few sessions with a very excellent and competent counsellor. During your first session, in a factual, non-threatening way, you need to disclose your knowledge of everything (your husbands activities, the credit card bills, etc.) you have written here. I say you should disclose it at that time because if you talk to him yourself straight away without a mediator he will get defensive as usual and nothing will be gained. People do not like to be "found out" in this manner. But you do need to address this situation. A counsellor can help diffuse and perhaps solve this problem...and answer your other questions about whether this is "normal" or if your husband is an addict or whatever. I would say that if your sex life is suffering, there is a serious problem and both of you both need to get the fresh start that counselling will afford you. You also need the therapist to teach the two of you communication skills so you can discuss matters like this between the two of you WITHOUT having to go to a counsellor. But if you can't bring things up without him getting all bent out of shape, the communications in your marriage is rotten. Every man is different. I don't think this has to become a major problem but it certainly can be if you don't work it out very soon. Link to post Share on other sites
superd Posted July 30, 2003 Share Posted July 30, 2003 Tony, I think you are dumping your whole moral framework on this girl. She sounds really uptight about sex. Porn is not necessarily a bad thing. Man if you guys are any indication of what this site is like I will never fit in here. You guys have a serious uptight tight assed morality complex. It sounds like heather has issues with feeling love for herself and others and has intimacy issues that need to be resolved before she can have a healthy relationship with anyone. Porn is not her worst enemy. If it was so bad the government would outlaw it instead of making a profit off of it. Watching porn can be an exciting and fun experience in moderation. You don't know if your boyfriend has an addiction. Actually your not giving him sex what else can he do but masterbate over fantasy filled images. You are being a tough slave master to a seemingly nice guy who may I add does not have that bad of commuications skills because he was able to tell you what he wanted, how he felt and was honest about what he was doing. You can't ask for more than that. Maybe you are looking for a robot like alot of these women these days and it sounds like your man is resisting and resenting that, but like I said it sounds like all of the real issues have to do with being uncomfortable in and with your own body, possibly being afraid of sex (look whats right in front of your face-your man is destroyed by your rejecting behavior and thinks that he isn't attractive to you). You sound very cruel, but the fact that you are looking for advice tells me you want advice and you want to turn things around and be a good wife. Sex is part of living a healthy human life, don't make it into a bad thing, only an evil person would do that. Also, I would find it quite embarrassing to go to a relationship counselor about your sex life. To me thats a private sacred thing that no one outside my wife (and perhaps her girl-friends if she has to tell them) should know about. Its a shame that in modern life we come to see sex as a criminal and a monster and at the same time we kiss up to CEOS that feed us commercials and sitcoms full of b.s. and fantasies to suck all the money out of our pockets and love out of our hearts in exchange for broken dreams and a life that is more like a nightmare. Sex is not the enemy, tv is. So my moral, is if you don't feel sexual towards your husband divorce him because you married the wrong guy or have sex with him regardless because if his needs go unfufilled he is resourcefull, clever, liberated and smart enough to find a way to fufill them. Go Man Power!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 30, 2003 Share Posted July 30, 2003 Without resorting to the extremes that either of the two gentlemen have resorted to, I will agree with superd. If you are actually uninterested in sex with your husband after only three years, then that is what you should be seeing a counsellor for. Sex is definitely an important part of a relationship and to be uninterested in it this early in the game is not at all good. What do you expect him to do for the next forty years - just go without? Dr. Phil (who can be a big pain sometimes but does have some good advice from time to time) says that sex in marriage isn't a big deal if you're having it but is a very big deal if you are not. Bottom line is this: if all you want is a sexless companion, then become a nun and live in a convent; you'll have friends and companions and not be bothered with sex if you don't like it. Link to post Share on other sites
lady_vampiress2003 Posted December 7, 2003 Share Posted December 7, 2003 Pornography is as addictive as alcohol, drugs and nicotine. It causes actual changes to brain chemicals in the same way that cocaine does. It will not stop by itself. Just like addictive substances, you will need more and harder porn to keep the brain chemicals at the same level. Your husband needs to admit to himself first of all he has a serious problem which is not only affecting his relationship with he is hurting u mentally, by being addicted to it as if it was a drug putting it b4 u ignoring all ur needs for his affections, attention and even sex or romantic acts such a romantic dinners/baths on a regualr basis with u. which is esstential to keep ur relationship health and happy. so u need to communicate this to him and everything ur felling , and how is hurting u and effecting ur relationship and closeness and openesswith him since he is obviously lying to u and holding back things from u which is in effect lying and keeping secrets which is not only destructive for him cos his feeling ashamed and guity about it which affects ur closeness and communication with him, but also hurts u cos his lying to u which is destructive for a marriage. u need to for one make him see what his doing his hurting ur marriage and u and commuicate this to them not leaving things out. 2)see a councillor/therapist together and separatly to get the help he desperatly needs. 3)go to a church if ur a christian and start attending sermons/church atleast once a week this will help to bring god in ur life and help in getting rid of any spritual issues he has with this porn and his addiction to it usually is spritual as well as physical. 4)spend intimate time together just the two of u with out the kids. Whever its going out to a party, restaurant, making a romantic gesture such as make a dinner/bath bath together for u both under candle light. romantic getures, going out, open communication and haveing fun together are very important inorder to keep ur relationship healthy and stable otherwise u wont have that closeness u and attention to ur needs which u are obviously lacking. here are some sites i looked up which may help u and to help urhusband get pass this addiction, http://www.firesofdarkness.com/index.htm, http://www.firesofdarkness.com/This...of_the_Wall.htm http://www.firesofdarkness.com/Prayer.htm http://www.firesofdarkness.com/DearHearts2.htm http://www.no-porn.com/breaking.html http://www.sexualintegrity.org/addiction/ http://www.pureintimacy.org/online1/ Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted December 7, 2003 Share Posted December 7, 2003 heather, it sounds to me that porn is being scapegoated for what is a very, very bad marriage. I also suspect that porn is not the real issue, here. You all but state that your husband considers you sexually withdrawn, controlling and a snoop. It sounds as if he's using porn as an outlet in an emotionally and sexually unsatisfying marriage. The problem, heather, is not porn--it's your disintegrating marriage. I also sense that you both inhabit very, very different emotional spaces. You may be polite to one another, but you have grown apart, seriously apart. Meaningful intersection is rare. Sometimes porn is a problem, other times it's a side show. Based on your very revealing post, I believe that porn is just one symptom of a slowly disintegrating marriage. I'm sure there are others... Link to post Share on other sites
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