GF hanging out with past sexual partners

[rproctor]

Hey, I have a quick question... How would you feel about your gf going out to a concert without you, getting drunk, and lord knows what with a guy that she used to have sex with?

 

I recently found out that my gf in the beginning of our relationship had done this. She was going to a concert that I could not attend because of work and money, so I asked her who she was going with and she told me her x bf... I hesitated, but did not say anything... After a couple days of thinking it over I asked her about this... And she told me "I was just joking with you"... I found out she said that to make me jealous. Or so the excuse she gave me...

 

So, then she told me she was going with two of her guy friends... I was not overly happy, but whatever right... At least its not a guy she was haven sex with... So months go by, and then this morning I check out her face book cause she had some new photos up of her and some of her friends from the other night out. Blah blah, cute pics, whatever... Then, it goes to a picture of her and a guy that I had never seen before. It was a pic of her and a guy at the concert together, so I click on his picture and it brings up the little facebook box about the guy...

 

Well, I dont know if you guys know this, but in this little box it tells you how the other person knows each other... Anyways, his comment about her was that they hooked up once, she was alright, but her nails hurt and that she liked shoving things in his mouth... So, I am taking it that they slept together... Im not sure if this was her x bf, or just some casual sexual partner or what...

 

But... Am I over reacting about this? Should I let this bother me? I feel like its another lie in a series of lies from her... Or another hidden thing she has kept from me... Would this bother you? Knowing she slept with him, that the night of the concert she had gotten really drunk, and that she had somewhat hidden the truth about who she was going with?

[theobserver]

Your not overreacting here bud' . You really should have a good talk with her about all this. Hopefully today. The whole situation seems weird. I wouldn't be surprised if in the early days of your relationship she did go with her ex, your facial reaction or tone of voice probably hinted to her to change who she was going with either to save face or to avoic conflict.

 

There are alot of women and men out there who seem to have no trouble hanging out partying with ex boyfriends/sexual partners the problem is they should be with a partner that feels the same way. You don't seem to feel that way.

 

Now the best thing you can do about this is to have a talk, don't be a pussy about it but also don't be a complete jerk this could all be innocent but let her know you mean business and want the truth and the outcome of her reply means dumping or apology humping (thank you I'm here all night)

 

The concert situation could be innocent, even if she was with her ex it could of been planned weeks/months before (unless you have more info) and it doesn't seem you weren't welcome to come you just couldn't afford to at the time.

 

The more recent incident with facebook and the nights our before could also be innocent she can't choose whos going to be there and maybe just tried to make the best of a night out planned with her more immediate friends even if he was there (ex , sexual partner whomever he may be)

We also can't choose what comments a person puts for how they know eachother, he could be joking or serious either way if they did have sex in the past it's the past. I'd be more concern what she put for how they know eachother if anything. Are you noted as her significant other on facebook are you in pictures with her together cuddling and what not? If not why? Get em up there

 

Do you go out as much as her on these nights out? or are you still working late hard on money etc? This could be a real problem in the future and lead her to stray (if she isn't already) party girls need party boys.

 

Best of luck. HAVE A TALK WITH HER TONIGHT!

[rproctor]

Thanks for the reply... Let me clear up a couple things that might not have come through in my post. Her night out the other night was a girls night out with some of her girl friends, so she was not out seeing her x... But, I was looking at the pics they had taken from that night out which then led to some other pics from the concert.

 

We had actually had a conflict a month or so ago when I found out she had been going out to see her x bf for months into our relationship... She said it was all innocent, but... The thing is that she never invited me out the nights when she would go out with her x and his friends, because she wanted to avoid conflict.

 

We go out a lot together, we actually recently moved in together... But sometimes she goes out without me, not a problem at all... I just dont want her going out with men she slept with, or x bf's...

 

She told me that she was sorry for what she had done, going out with her x and lieing to me about it... That she sees where she has done wrong, and that I have every right to be jealous over this, which I do... Everything seemed to be cooling down, but then this morning I came across this, and now I feel that I am back to square one...

 

It makes me wonder how much she really is or has been keeping from me... All this time... Ugh..

[Krytie TV]

I think the fact that you are tracing her Facebook and doing the merry-go-round with her connections says everything here. It seems to me, for what it's worth, that you're willing to go to great lengths to find something to worry about. You know, lying about who she's at the concert with... I dunno. I have to assume nothing happened. But really, I see nothing in your post that would trigger any jealousy except for you going through her entire Facebook world.

 

As far as gfs seeing ex's, big deal. My current girlfriend still sees two of her ex's at various times. Maybe it should bother me but it doesn't because I feel she is sincere with me. And if she does do something with one of them and I were to find out... better to know now before it gets to be a long relationship.

 

I guess the issue isn't about a SO seeing ex "partners". It's about the relationship security and the trust therein. You guys, for whatever reason, don't have it. Why is that? What is the big deal about someone going out for a fun night with someone they once slept with? If it was all that awesome, they would still be going out, don't you think? I see 2 people I have slept with on a regular basis, and I'm not interested anymore but can't imagine someone telling me I couldn't see them.

[rproctor]

Krytie TV, you make some good points in your post. Your right, there are some major trust issues between her and I. Maybe not major, but big enough to cause problems.

 

I think though, that you are wrong about how you assume I came into the information. I did not intentionally snoop through her stuff, besides that its public knowledge, its not like I went into her account, read her messages, and stuff like that you know. The fact that when I was looking at the pictures that were posted in her account by her friend, and by clicking the picture it automatically brings me to the next picture, in which case it brought me to that picture I would not consider really snooping.

 

But, when I seen her hugging on the other guy, and I seen that it was from voodoo fest, and remembered what she had told me from voodoo fest, yea I then decided to see this guys account... But I couldnt, instead I got the message telling me that they had hooked up.. When? I dont even know, hopefully before me.

 

I guess you could say I snooped on you too, because I read some of your previous posts and stuff... I just think that you and I have different conceptions on relationships... You seem to be a bit more open with your relationships where I am a bit more conservative. But if you can honestly say that your gf lied to you about who she was going out with, went and got drunk with him, and explicitly did not invite you, and your still not jealous then more power to you... Me on the other hand, my insecurities can only take so much before I start to wonder.

 

I dont think I am a bad bf, and I dont think she is a bad gf... I dont think she cheated on me really, but... I guess i really dont know... And I really dont like the idea of her going out getting drunk without me with guys that use to **** her

[hendersongirl]

Heaps of people put things on facebook as jokes - have you considered that? On my facebook it says I hooked up with a bunch of my friends, I'm married to my sister etc etc.

 

Do you trust her to answer truthfully if you confront her? If so - confront her. If not - your relationship has bigger problems buddy...

 

And no you didn't snoop, unless you don't have a facebook and you were logging into her account or something. If you DO have a facebook, and she put those pictures up for friends to see, it isn't snooping.

 

Also - would she have put them up for you to be able to see if there was something to hide in them?

[rproctor]

Well she did not post them... They were posted by the other guy, but they show up in her account because he tagged her or whatever... So when I was looking at the pics that her friend posted of them the other night, it went through all the pics that anyone had posted of her... I feel bad like I should not have even been looking at the photos or something but... I dont know... Maybe I am looking too deep into this stuff, but... Something about this all seems sketchy... She has cheated on her past... But assures me that things between us is different... I dont know, I have this gut feeling, I feel like I can not kick it.

 

Maybe you are right, maybe they did not hook up.... Maybe it was a joke... But I dont know.

[Bryanp]

From what you have written I would be checked for STD's. Apparently she has had no problems lying to you about going to a concert with this guy. She had no problems lying to you about going out with her ex boyfriend behind your back for months during your relationship.

 

I will be harsh here. I think you are foolish to be with her. You judge a person not by their words but by their actions and her actions speak volumes. Do you honestly think if the roles were reversed and you had sex with some girl at a concert your lied about, was seeing your ex girlfriend for months behind her back, that your present girlfriend would have been so accepting as you? The bottom line is that you have a girlfriend who apparently has no problem seeing ex boyfriends behind your back and getting drunk and screwing a guy at a concert behind your back. If this is what you are willing to accept in having a girlfriend then good luck to you. I think you deserve better. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I think down deep you know I am right. It is a matter of time before she does this again.

[burning 4 revenge]

You have every right to be upset.

 

I don't know whats wrong with people today that they would complain more about how you found this out then what you found out. This is hardly snooping and if two people are in a commited relationship and living together they surrender some of their right to privacy anyways the way I see it. Thats not to say you should be a paranoid jerk, but if you are legitimately suspicious of something I think you should man up and investigate instead of live in a world of denial and potentially be cuckolded.

 

There seems to be a disturbing trend where people are assuming relationships are somewhat open. That doesnt mean outright swinging or anything, but people seem to be gravitating toward excusing infidelity as simply alleviating boredom and thinking everything in the relationship is ok so long as the relationship still exists. The way I see it, once the most intimate aspects of that relationship are being shared it already ceases to exist, who cares if youre still roomates who have sex together?

[rproctor]

Hey I would like to mention that I dont know that she slept with him at the concert, its not something that I know for sure, I just said that I am under the "assumption" that they slept together because of what the guy had written about her on facebook...

[burning 4 revenge]

I know, but spme people seem to be saying that you should let her do what she wants and let the chips fall where they may. If it comes out that shes sleeping with guys then deal with it and if she isnt then great, but if she is and you dont know and shes staying with you then what you don't know won't hurt you

 

I think thats foolish.

 

Some things should be off limits. Her going to see ex-bf's without you and going to concerts with guys without you should be off limits. Of course there will be situations where she's tempted to cheat--that isn' the problem, it's only natural to get bored sometimes and to feel impulses for other human beings and no-one is above it.

 

The problem is allowing those conditions where these things could happen. There should be parameters that both you and she accept out of respect (does anyone remember that word) for one another and for the sake of honor (another obsolete term). Those kinds of parameters that were the norm for centuries were there for a reason. People accepted the reality of human nature and acted accordingly and now everyone seems to be deluding themselves from the truth

[theobserver]

I guess the issue isn't about a SO seeing ex "partners". It's about the relationship security and the trust therein. You guys, for whatever reason, don't have it. Why is that? What is the big deal about someone going out for a fun night with someone they once slept with? If it was all that awesome, they would still be going out, don't you think? I see 2 people I have slept with on a regular basis, and I'm not interested anymore but can't imagine someone telling me I couldn't see them.

 

I don't agree so much, have you not read around these forums theres many people out there who are in (atleast to the other partner and sometimes the cheater) happy relationships yet these people still go out and have sex with other people and more often then not ex partners on the belief it's just sex and have no regrets that the relationship back home will be effected .In a party situation or drinking it can very easily tip the scale in ending up in bed with an ex more then likely wether you like it or not the male would be more then happy to bone her if she gives the ok regardless if shes in a new relationship I would personally ask to go with her IF a similar situation arises. Just mention your not going to start conflict you just want to know him etc. If he has a problem with you for no reason then I think it warrants asking her not to hang out with an ex who can't respect her new partner.If she comes up with more excuses why you can't come then... damn man you know something is up!

 

It's true nobody wants to be told who they can and can't see but all it takes is the wrong situation and you could end up thinking about the good times and end up sleeping with an ex I don't understand why some people want to see ex's frequently if your breakup was so calm and mutual what stopped you getting back together? I guess I've just had more bad breakups then good then others. That said I think there's a slight different situation where you may have attempted to start something with close friends via kissing or sex and both agreed it wasn't working and the friendship was more important I can understand situations like that and still seeing eachother.

 

I don't think it's right to trust your partner or a person 100% it's just not logical you should always be kept on your toes but not so much your constantly looking for infidelity but enough that your not clearly whipped.

I feel really sorry for the spouses and partners out there who were so devoted to their partner that they never saw the betrayal coming that's when it hurts the most.

[rproctor]

OK, thanks for the input... I guess my next question is going to be, should this stuff bother me? Should her going out with her x bf and hanging out with guys she used to have sex with bother me? It does... But should it?

[twice_shy]

Hey, I have a quick question... How would you feel about your gf going out to a concert without you, getting drunk, and lord knows what with a guy that she used to have sex with?

 

Someone like that wouldn't be my girlfriend when she got back.

 

 

I recently found out that my gf in the beginning of our relationship had done this. She was going to a concert that I could not attend because of work and money, so I asked her who she was going with and she told me her x bf... I hesitated, but did not say anything... After a couple days of thinking it over I asked her about this... And she told me "I was just joking with you"... I found out she said that to make me jealous. Or so the excuse she gave me...

 

Whether it was the truth or she wanted to get your goat, that says alot about her right there. If she was kidding, it was an awfully bad joke. Damn insensitive.

 

 

Then, it goes to a picture of her and a guy that I had never seen before. It was a pic of her and a guy at the concert together, so I click on his picture and it brings up the little facebook box about the guy...

 

Well, I dont know if you guys know this, but in this little box it tells you how the other person knows each other... Anyways, his comment about her was that they hooked up once, she was alright, but her nails hurt and that she liked shoving things in his mouth...

 

Oh hell no. That is NOT appropriate. I'd say this chick has too much baggage for you to carry. She is hanging out with guys she f####d and the guy is joking about the actuall f##king on facebook. How disrespectful is that to you? A hella lot I'll tell ya.

 

 

So, I am taking it that they slept together... Im not sure if this was her x bf, or just some casual sexual partner or what...

 

But... Am I over reacting about this?

 

No.

 

 

Should I let this bother me?

 

What? The fact that she goes to a concert and hangs out with a guy that had her open like 7/11 in the past? I wouldn't blame you if you were bothered.

 

But I wouldn't bother to BE bothered. I'd ditch her.

 

 

I feel like its another lie in a series of lies from her... Or another hidden thing she has kept from me... Would this bother you? Knowing she slept with him, that the night of the concert she had gotten really drunk, and that she had somewhat hidden the truth about who she was going with?

 

If she respects you and cares about you she has no business hanging out with someone whose d#ck was in her, and still talks fondly about it on facebook. Totally inappropriate.

 

Have you thought about kicking her to the curb?

[rproctor]

Thanks for the replies...

 

I just realized, that the how you know someone feature has to be approved by the other person... So I guess that means she approved the fact that they hooked up... Ugh... It would have been one thing if he could just write it, but I guess knowing she has to ok it makes me feel sick about it... Cause what he wrote was kinda derogative towards her I would think...

 

Man... What a ****ty situation... I mean this was a long time ago, like when we first started dating... But I guess it doesnt really matter. Im going to talk to her tonight, to see what she has to say about it. I need a drink... And being that its Friday the 13th is not a good sign =(

[t_veron]

Sorry to hear your situation. This is a typical situation people run into on with social networking sites. Don't feel guilty because if something feels wrong you have every right to get to the bottom of it. Of course communication is the best choice but I'm sure if we take a poll many men will swear she'll look you right in the eye without hesitating or blinking and tell you a bold face lie and deny it to the end.

 

If a person has an attitude that says "just incase things don't work out" I'll have guys in waiting to pick up right where I left off. Without going into all the baggage these type of girls have the attitude of keeping others around tells you they are emotionally unavailable. They won't think twice about sleeping around because they're not emotionally invested in you. You are just a stepping stone until their next guy, party, or adventure because they're not looking for commitment. You are their "safe" guy they keep around for confidence because they are so insecure they can never be alone or without a boyfriend. BTW, guys are like this too so it's not just women.

 

The good and bad side of social networking is that you find out about things about a person's past you shouldn't know. You can decide before it's too late to get out. I doubt most people forget about a person's sexual past once they know if it has been shady. It surfaces down the line in the relationship or marriage.

 

Run away from what I call a social networking hoes. They constantly need validation and attention and have emotional issues that won't likely go away. Good girls don't have 200 friends including exes... good girls have a few very close friends they trust and no exes to hang out with when you're dating them. Have sex with these emotionally unavailable ones but never get attached or marry them.

[Trialbyfire]

Of the two men where my gut instinct kicked in, one cheated and the other, I feel strongly, had the capability of such.

 

Set your boundaries. If she won't abide by them, you can't be her keeper. You can be her dumper though.

[theobserver]

Sorry to hear your situation. This is a typical situation people run into on with social networking sites. Don't feel guilty because if something feels wrong you have every right to get to the bottom of it. Of course communication is the best choice but I'm sure if we take a poll many men will swear she'll look you right in the eye without hesitating or blinking and tell you a bold face lie and deny it to the end.

 

If a person has an attitude that says "just incase things don't work out" I'll have guys in waiting to pick up right where I left off. Without going into all the baggage these type of girls have the attitude of keeping others around tells you they are emotionally unavailable. They won't think twice about sleeping around because they're not emotionally invested in you. You are just a stepping stone until their next guy, party, or adventure because they're not looking for commitment. You are their "safe" guy they keep around for confidence because they are so insecure they can never be alone or without a boyfriend. BTW, guys are like this too so it's not just women.

 

The good and bad side of social networking is that you find out about things about a person's past you shouldn't know. You can decide before it's too late to get out. I doubt most people forget about a person's sexual past once they know if it has been shady. It surfaces down the line in the relationship or marriage.

 

Run away from what I call a social networking hoes. They constantly need validation and attention and have emotional issues that won't likely go away. Good girls don't have 200 friends including exes... good girls have a few very close friends they trust and no exes to hang out with when you're dating them. Have sex with these emotionally unavailable ones but never get attached or marry them.

 

I know that's a big quote but I really feel people should give this a good read it's amazingly accurate advice when it comes to social networking sites. It hits the nail on the head and you all know it's true deep down.

 

Don't be a sucker for punishment.

[rproctor]

Thanks everyone for the replies, t_veron thanks for you inquisitive view on this.

 

Just an update, later that evening we talked about it... I asked her, who the guy was that wrote that, and if they had went to the concert together. She told me no they did not go together, and no she did not sleep with him, and that he had written that as a joke? She said she did not think much of it at the time, because that was just how he acted, and that her bf at that time was friends with that guy who wrote that about her...

 

She said all this time later she forgot, and that yea it did seem bad, and that she would remove it... And she did... She seemed very sincere when she told me this stuff, but... I still feel a bit jaded towards the whole thing... The thing I find most strange about it is that she has to say its ok for him to say that about her, so he said it and she had to say ok thats cool that he can say he had sex with me... and make it publicly displayed like that... I find it kind rude and disrespectful either way.

 

Oh well, but yea thats that... Oh, and I also found some pictures of her and her x bf together on facebook too... I dont get why she wants to show them publicly... Ugh...

[amerikajin]

The problem is that you are in a relationship with someone who has a hard time being honest. Is this the kind of person you really want to be with?

 

First off, she said that she cheated on her ex, which means she was dishonest with him about the nature of their relationship - that's by her own admission. I would accept the fact that she can recognize that what she did was wrong and change with a little added maturity. The problem, though, is that she apparently hasn't changed that much, has she? She's being dishonest with you, just like she was dishonest with her ex.

 

Example:

 

We had actually had a conflict a month or so ago when I found out she had been going out to see her x bf for months into our relationship... She said it was all innocent, but... The thing is that she never invited me out the nights when she would go out with her x and his friends, because she wanted to avoid conflict.

 

"But it was all innocent, and blah blah blah blah"

 

Yeah, right. She didn't tell you about it. She lied to you because she wanted to protect you so that you wouldn't have to worry too much about her. Do you really believe this?

 

 

She told me that she was sorry for what she had done, going out with her x and lieing to me about it... That she sees where she has done wrong, and that I have every right to be jealous over this, which I do... Everything seemed to be cooling down, but then this morning I came across this, and now I feel that I am back to square one...

 

It makes me wonder how much she really is or has been keeping from me... All this time... Ugh..

 

And it should.

 

The bottom line is, she's not really treating you any differently than she did her ex, is she?

 

How do you think this story is going to end?

[theobserver]

I feel for you buddy. What I don't understand is even if everything she's done to this point is all innocent and not a big deal to her. The "white lies" to protect you from hanging out with her ex. The comment on facebook from the guy who turns out to be a "friend" of her ex-bf and the comment at the time didnt bother her because that's how it is?

 

You know for some reason when I read he was a friend of her ex the first thing that came to my mind was maybe the hookup comment was accurate and she was the guy she cheated on her ex with... I'm possibly jumping to conclusions but if it was a joke comment there are other more stupid comments that could of been put that would be obvious is a joke "He's my dad" *chuckles*

 

Then ofcourse the icing on the cake leaving photos up (I presume just her and her ex and not crowd/group pics) together on facebook. Screw this mature crap you don't have to be a genius to know a partner may be really uncomfortable with that and she is clearly still quite active with facebook so it's not like she hasn't used it in a few months it's natural and expected to remove them.

 

I can't really see if you answered this before and apologies if you did but are you in her personal pictures on facebook is it obvious to viewers your her boyfriend etc? Is she marked as In a relationship?

 

I know some people are saying if the only major problems are to do with 1 paticular website then maybe it's not a bid deal but if you ask me it's a good red flag. I'm going to use my classic line here "read around the forums"

Most people here have enjoyed a great relationship blissfully unaware of any issues then BAM they find an email or a message that just throws their world upside down on their partner that reveals cheating or another side to them.

 

I really feel that if your with someone and they have a completely different outlook on what's appropriate in a relationship and life in general then why be together.

 

That's really all I have to say on this really. Best of luck with your life whatever happens.

[Lovelybird]

I know, but spme people seem to be saying that you should let her do what she wants and let the chips fall where they may. If it comes out that shes sleeping with guys then deal with it and if she isnt then great, but if she is and you dont know and shes staying with you then what you don't know won't hurt you

 

I think thats foolish.

 

Some things should be off limits. Her going to see ex-bf's without you and going to concerts with guys without you should be off limits. Of course there will be situations where she's tempted to cheat--that isn' the problem, it's only natural to get bored sometimes and to feel impulses for other human beings and no-one is above it.

 

The problem is allowing those conditions where these things could happen. There should be parameters that both you and she accept out of respect (does anyone remember that word) for one another and for the sake of honor (another obsolete term). Those kinds of parameters that were the norm for centuries were there for a reason. People accepted the reality of human nature and acted accordingly and now everyone seems to be deluding themselves from the truth

I agree.

 

OK, thanks for the input... I guess my next question is going to be, should this stuff bother me? Should her going out with her x bf and hanging out with guys she used to have sex with bother me? It does... But should it?

you want to bent your nature for a fake peace? if you feel bothered, then there must a problem. it could be she gave you reasons to distrust her; it could be that you and your gf don't have good communication and strong trust foundation.

 

If she lied to you, I think you should be bothered. relationship need total honest with each other.

 

Have you clearly expressed your expectation for a good relationship to your gf? such as some boundaries, some acts that you won't accept?

[imbewildered]

Men ! Let me tell you something that I have learned to be VITAL to your psychological and emotional well being when it comes to women.

 

Place SELF RESPECT and RESPECT from her at a HIGHER priority than a regular supply of sex. Unless you do, you will find yourself at the mercy of some lying manipulative woman at some time in your life - just like the OP.

 

Be ready to walk away IF she cheats, lies. or manipulates you. You are seeing her character at work (or lack of it) and no amount of "communicating " can fix that.

[twice_shy]

Thanks everyone for the replies, t_veron thanks for you inquisitive view on this.

 

Just an update, later that evening we talked about it... I asked her, who the guy was that wrote that, and if they had went to the concert together. She told me no they did not go together, and no she did not sleep with him, and that he had written that as a joke? She said she did not think much of it at the time, because that was just how he acted, and that her bf at that time was friends with that guy who wrote that about her...

 

She said all this time later she forgot, and that yea it did seem bad, and that she would remove it... And she did

 

 

Ya, but why do I get this feeling she emailed the guy, told him she was going to take that comment down only because you freaked out about it?

 

I can't but help to think she bad mouthed ya as a jealous jerk when explaining to her "friend" why she had to take it down.

 

 

... She seemed very sincere when she told me this stuff, but... I still feel a bit jaded towards the whole thing

 

Of course you don't. Because something still just isn't right about this girl.

 

 

... The thing I find most strange about it is that she has to say its ok for him to say that about her

 

no kidding. She approved the message....a message with sexual innuendos about there past.

 

 

, so he said it and she had to say ok thats cool that he can say he had sex with me... and make it publicly displayed like that... I find it kind rude and disrespectful either way.

 

Like I said, something not right about this girl. That and going to a concert with another X. I know you said she said it wasn't him, but it was a guy nonetheless and she seems to have too many guy friends she likes to hang out with. Not good.

 

 

Oh well, but yea thats that... Oh, and I also found some pictures of her and her x bf together on facebook too... I dont get why she wants to show them publicly... Ugh...

 

Again, its not right. She is hanging on to her past with her X's. She hangs out with her X's. Maybe you should tell her to keep hanging out with her X's and you can find someone more respectful of you and with alot less baggage. And someone who leaves past boyfriends in the past.

[Spectre]

I'm a bit confused, you said you found photographic evidence that she went to this concert with this guy, and she turns around and says she did not?