She is filing legal separation not divorce? Is she leaving the door open? False hope?

[mr_han]

you dont have to worry so much as to the financial repurcussions. he or she who gave ground for the issuance of legal separation decree will normally lose right to be entitled to benefits statutorily required in marriage. she is crazy to file a legal sep when, as alleged by you, she is the culprit of your bad marriage. Unless she fabricates grounds against you then that would be another story.

[trust]

Unless she fabricates grounds against you then that would be another story.

 

What? A pissed off woman in a divorce fabricate something? Noooo...

 

The fact that she's already started the motions tells you a lot. She already pulled the trigger... the gun jammed (the separation)...when she figures out how to clear the chamber...she gets another shot. How much time do you think you have? Your name isn't Neo. And you won't be dodging those bullets.

[Gunny376]

What? A pissed off woman in a divorce fabricate something? Noooo...

 

The fact that she's already started the motions tells you a lot. She already pulled the trigger... the gun jammed (the separation)...when she figures out how to clear the chamber...she gets another shot. How much time do you think you have? Your name isn't Neo. And you won't be dodging those bullets.

 

"YourHonor, he's been drinking, rambling, gambling, and got a woman on the side!

And I'm just sick and tiried of all that jive

Its time for me to make a move!

 

I got the Rabbit, she got the Caddie,

Even got my children callin' another man Daddy

I can't believe that's the same woman I've been married to all these years!"

 

Ray Charles' "Divorce & Childsupport" album

[TrustInYourself]

What? A pissed off woman in a divorce fabricate something? Noooo...

 

The fact that she's already started the motions tells you a lot. She already pulled the trigger... the gun jammed (the separation)...when she figures out how to clear the chamber...she gets another shot. How much time do you think you have? Your name isn't Neo. And you won't be dodging those bullets.

 

I'm not going to tell you how this ends. I'm going to tell you how it begins. <flys off>

[cruiser]

Okay, so I just hung up the phone with my wife/ex wife. She is now saying this isn't easy for her. And she says it's like breaking an addiction. She said that you want to see a drug addict go through withdrawls, thats her. So I say that isn't addiction, its love and passion for eachother. She says that there was fighting one too many times. I said (and have learned this from counseling) no we just need some help from an outside source to learn how too better understand eachother. I said I support her in healing her self, and Iwant her to heal herself, but I will not support a divorce. She then replies I didn't file for a divorce. I filed for a legal separation!

 

My mind is in circles right now. I mean after that discussion, I feel like there is some hope. And in her mind she really feels like this legal separation is far less than a divorce.

 

I'm listening for comments.

[SingleDad]

Firstly and unfortunately (I'll cover this part first) - A Legal separation is a prelude to divorce - no ifs ands or buts... How is it that you are just sitting back waiting for the separation papers - with no input ?? A legal separation involves the joint planned division of assets, support and child custody - Be sure you hang on to your rights - She cannot do it without your input unless you let her - of course if you refuse to negotiate the terms of separation, then she will take you to court with her attorney and try to steal your rights away from you. Thus, be sure you know what the terms you are entitled to - do your own research or contact an attorney or both. And realize that it is those same terms which will follow through when a divorce is final. My attorney had long ago said that if someone wants a divorce they will get it and there is nothing you can do to stop it - you can only fighting for fair terms - or drag it out using high legal costs.

 

Note: If those financial and custody issues were not in her primarily in her mindset, then she would just be agreeing to a trial separation - that is where hope is more likely - but that is not where you are.

 

Second - It does appear that she is wavering - (A much better situation than my STBXW's Express Train to freedom and independence). I still suggest that you give her space - again you can't stop that - but you can avoid arguing with her as that just re-inforces her mindset (easier said than done I know).

 

When she is home or on the phone, fake your understanding of what she is doing, also If begging for her to stay is backfiring then stop it, and just be as loving and support of her as you can - through your actions and not your merely your words. You have to show her man she married or more for any hope to exist.

 

It is a rollercoaster ride of emotions - just hang on and live day by day as best as you can and be there for your kids... (that is all I can tell myself during this most difficult time).

[Billy Bob]

Wake up! She wants this "legal seperation" because she thinks it will be easier on you than a divorce. You wouldn't go for a divorce... but you sound like you may go for the "seperation".

 

A legal seperation is just a prelude to divorce. In fact in my state once a legal seperation has been in effect for 6 months, either party can go turn it into an instant divorce without even notifying the other party.

 

Dude! WAKE THE FK UP! Don't listen to anything she says.. If she were in-love with you she wouldn't be pursuing a "legal seperation". She's done! Take steps to protect yourself and your assets. You are dillusional!

 

There is no hope here, stop yearning for the past. Step back and look at this from a detached viewpoint. She is playing you.. I have been there myself. But of course you don't see what is right in front of your nose...

[carhill]

OP, I'll make one comment, and it's an unemotional one.

 

Get legal advice. I say that not to "protect yourself", but to educate yourself and consider the pros and cons of any decision you make in a more knowledgeable way. IME, although often maligned, lawyers are a great source of scenarios and options, leaving you as the client to make educated decisions in your best interest. Remember, you're in charge of you. You can't control your wife (and, yes, she's still your wife) so don't try to figure her out.

 

One day at a time

[Billy Bob]

Okay, so I just hung up the phone with my wife/ex wife. She is now saying this isn't easy for her. And she says it's like breaking an addiction. She said that you want to see a drug addict go through withdrawls, thats her. So I say that isn't addiction, its love and passion for eachother. .

 

She will say anything you want to hear in order to get you on the "legal seperation" bandwagon. She will tell you that it is so hard.. That she's not sure she can do it.. That she's addicted to you.. That maybe with a little time apart she can clear her head, blah blah blah.. it's all BS.

 

Tell her you won't go along with a legal seperation, that you two should just have a "trial non-legal seperation"... watch, she won't go for it. Face it, she wants out. You better stop dreaming she still loves you and get your ducks in order and realize that you need to position yourself to get everything you can.

 

F

[SingleDad]

Despite how hard it is - I don't think you should give up hope - Hope is good... Denial can also be good - God gave us denial as it allows you deal with the grief over time instead of being destroyed or suicidal by it all at once. You must and will survive !!!

 

Continue to hope and try to do the best you can - best father and best husband - you do not want to look back on this in 5 years and realize that you didn't try your best to save the marriage for the sake of your children. After you have done this and yes it may fail at least you can take comfort in knowing that it was your spouse who did this and not you.

 

But at the same time, you do need to protect yourself and your legal rights. So prepare for both outcomes.

[TrustInYourself]

Okay, so I just hung up the phone with my wife/ex wife. She is now saying this isn't easy for her. And she says it's like breaking an addiction. She said that you want to see a drug addict go through withdrawls, thats her. So I say that isn't addiction, its love and passion for eachother. She says that there was fighting one too many times. I said (and have learned this from counseling) no we just need some help from an outside source to learn how too better understand eachother. I said I support her in healing her self, and Iwant her to heal herself, but I will not support a divorce. She then replies I didn't file for a divorce. I filed for a legal separation!

 

My mind is in circles right now. I mean after that discussion, I feel like there is some hope. And in her mind she really feels like this legal separation is far less than a divorce.

 

I'm listening for comments.

 

You're handling it rationally. You're making comments that reflect that you care about your wife and the marriage. There's hope. It's up to you if you want to keep the hope alive. Some people choose to force the situation and burn bridges. I'm not saying that's wrong, but you have to be at a position where you feel invincible either way.

[trust]

Comments? Keep your hope. Hope is good. Information is good too, right? So call an attorney today. Trial separation sounds good, right? Why not try that as well?

[TrustInYourself]

Comments? Keep your hope. Hope is good. Information is good too, right? So call an attorney today. Trial separation sounds good, right? Why not try that as well?

 

Yep, sounds good. Kudos on your quote. That's the exact reason why I'm sitting here separated, lol.

[trust]

cta7978: I would appreciate some of your wisdom in my prenup forum whenever you get a chance.

 

P.S. I'm not a "yes man". I can take whatever it is that you may think whether it's for me or against me...just so long as it makes sense.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Crusier WTF are you stil talking to her for, by all intents and purposes she is still engaged in the affair and laughing about it behind your back.

 

I'll tell you how this is gonna go.

 

two ways:

 

1. she liked beinga lesbo, finally decides I have more fun being single than a wife and a mother and when the year is up drops the bomb on you that, that's who she is now and goes for divorce.

 

2. She *miraculously" has an epiphany waking up and saying all the cheating is wrong and she should eb devoted to you, loving you. being with you! and she wants to get back together and she'll say, do it for the kids.

 

Either, or.

 

Listen man, it's all lip service if she aint commited to doing right by you, what the hell are you fighting for, a woman who wants to munch on some rugs? I mean be real. Stop being a cuckold!!!

 

If she aint got nothing to say about the kids or lawyers and stuff. If it aint about reconsiling, then stay NC. Make up a parenting schedule and do a 180.

 

Why are you wasting your time? Think about it logically!!!!!!

 

She cheated twice, with women, behiind your bak, deceived you, involved your kids in her bad behavior? I mean WTF is there to talk about? are you that whipped to not see the writing on the wall? Detach for you!!!!

[cruiser]

Well, I also seen her for the first time in quite a while yesterday. Had about a 1/2 hr long conversation. I kept telling her that I support her in healing. Suggested that she meet with the marriage counselor that I'm seeing when she is ready. She was actually receptive to that, possibily in the near future. She switch her own therapist, which I think is posotive. The one thing that has definately changed in her instead of saying that it is over forever. I would tell her I know we are going to reconcile, her response is I'm not there yet, and she would acknowledge the good times in our relationship. I told her she would be walking on rose pedals and not egg shells and she got very quite. I found it very hard not to try and kiss her, and told her that. She replied that it wasn't going to happen yet.

 

What a roalercoaster:confused:.

Also my motherinlaw seems to be maybe pushing her to do what is better for the kids.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Well, I also seen her for the first time in quite a while yesterday. Had about a 1/2 hr long conversation. I kept telling her that I support her in healing. Suggested that she meet with the marriage counselor that I'm seeing when she is ready. She was actually receptive to that, possibily in the near future. She switch her own therapist, which I think is posotive. The one thing that has definately changed in her instead of saying that it is over forever. I would tell her I know we are going to reconcile, her response is I'm not there yet, and she would acknowledge the good times in our relationship. I told her she would be walking on rose pedals and not egg shells and she got very quite. I found it very hard not to try and kiss her, and told her that. She replied that it wasn't going to happen yet.

 

What a roalercoaster:confused:.

Also my motherinlaw seems to be maybe pushing her to do what is better for the kids.

 

Is she still licing with that crazy couple is there still contact with them? if there is , then dont put all your eggs in that basket. Actions speak louder than words!!!

[TrustInYourself]

Is she still licing with that crazy couple is there still contact with them? if there is , then dont put all your eggs in that basket. Actions speak louder than words!!!

 

Let her do the heavy lifting, like she has been doing. Show her a window, but it's not up to you to fix things. You're looking for real change in her behavior, not just lip service. Best wishes and good luck.

[cruiser]

Holy c***! This morning now she tells me its over forever again!!! Then she has a session with a new counselor during the day. Calls me after the session and asks if I would go to a joint session with her to the new counselor:confused:, says the counselor nailed our relationship and would like to talk to both of us. She says she thinks she could help us slowly, could take as much as a year but the new counselor can help us, maybe we could rediscover ourselves, retake our vows, learn about eachother all over again:confused:. Of course I said I would crawl through broken glass to go to a session together. She reminds me that there is no promise, I said I know. About 15 minutes later I call her to tell her about our sons birthday get together with his friends that I'm having tonight and she starts in that maybe second thought she doesn't know if she is ready for this session:confused:. This is after talking to her lady friend on the phone. Thinks she is just pleasing me again and she is upset about that in herself:confused:. I tell her that she asked me to go to this session on her own adn that is not pleasing me but that is listening to her heart after talking to the counselor. And it was her heart and soul that asked me to go to this session with her. She asks me if I think she is wishy washy and if people push her around? I said I know I don't anymore and I think she is becoming stronger, but the counselor must have said or touched the truth about your feeling to make you ask me to go with you. After her asking me to promise I'm not putting any false hope on this joint session we are still going. Which I'm happy about......... BUT WTF!!!!!!!!!:confused::confused:

[SingleDad]

she is more confused than you are... All you can do is be the most loving and supporting husband and father that you can be... rollercoster ride of emotions

[RollTide]

A YEAR with this counselor? That guy must have a big house payment.

 

He's trying to rope you into long term debt. There's no way it should take that long.

[Billy Bob]

Holy c***! This morning now she tells me its over forever again!!!

 

 

Grow some nads! Don't ever let anyone toy with your emotions like she is doing. Point blank tell her you don't have time for this crap. She knows she can have you at the drop of a hat.. Yet, still she plays all this drama. The facts are on the table - you have told her you will do anything basically to have her back! And still she is indecisive leaning towards ending the relationship all together.

 

F- that! Do you want to know the secret to getting her back? Its called "You want what you can't have".. Look at you! You can't have her right now and it is driving you insane. She is feeding off your emotions and the drama.. Nothing is going to change as long as you pursue her. If you really want her back you need to flat out tell her that your not interested in her drama anymore, if she doesn't like the offer on the table then fine, you don't want her! Then proceed to start dating and moving on.

 

I guarantee if you start dating some decent looking chick and she thinks she might actually lose you as her backup plan for hapiness... all the sudden she will have a change of heart.

 

But right now, your "crawl through broken glass for her" plan is just a downward spiral!

[TrustInYourself]

Grow some nads! Don't ever let anyone toy with your emotions like she is doing. Point blank tell her you don't have time for this crap. She knows she can have you at the drop of a hat.. Yet, still she plays all this drama. The facts are on the table - you have told her you will do anything basically to have her back! And still she is indecisive leaning towards ending the relationship all together.

 

F- that! Do you want to know the secret to getting her back? Its called "You want what you can't have".. Look at you! You can't have her right now and it is driving you insane. She is feeding off your emotions and the drama.. Nothing is going to change as long as you pursue her. If you really want her back you need to flat out tell her that your not interested in her drama anymore, if she doesn't like the offer on the table then fine, you don't want her! Then proceed to start dating and moving on.

 

I guarantee if you start dating some decent looking chick and she thinks she might actually lose you as her backup plan for hapiness... all the sudden she will have a change of heart.

 

But right now, your "crawl through broken glass for her" plan is just a downward spiral!

 

You shouldn't have told her about that crawl through broken glass lol. I would hesitate to go to a counseling session with this woman. Is her friend going to since she seems to be the one actually in charge of your wife's feelings. You better be prepared for her to just dump the marriage again.

[trust]

Grow some nads! Don't ever let anyone toy with your emotions like she is doing. Point blank tell her you don't have time for this crap. She knows she can have you at the drop of a hat.. Yet, still she plays all this drama. The facts are on the table - you have told her you will do anything basically to have her back! And still she is indecisive leaning towards ending the relationship all together.

 

F- that! Do you want to know the secret to getting her back? Its called "You want what you can't have".. Look at you! You can't have her right now and it is driving you insane. She is feeding off your emotions and the drama.. Nothing is going to change as long as you pursue her. If you really want her back you need to flat out tell her that your not interested in her drama anymore, if she doesn't like the offer on the table then fine, you don't want her! Then proceed to start dating and moving on.

 

I guarantee if you start dating some decent looking chick and she thinks she might actually lose you as her backup plan for hapiness... all the sudden she will have a change of heart.

 

But right now, your "crawl through broken glass for her" plan is just a downward spiral!

 

Wow. cta7978, you should write a book. Everything you said was RIGHT ON THE MONEY. OP listen to this guy. I know it's tough being tough right now but...so many of us have been right where you are. You need to start the long haul of taking care of *you*. The only way you are going to stop her insanity is to STOP HER INSANITY. Take control and turn your situation around. She's totally confused, and you just gave her all of the cards and all of the control...that doesn't even make sense.