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[BlondeAmbition27]

Hello all, my story is LONG but in order for you to completely understand the situation I feel as though you need to hear the whole story

 

It all started in January during 2nd semester. I had started hanging out more frequently with a group of friends, some new, some old. In this group was a guy, who I guess I'll refer to as TS. I kind of had the impression that TS was into me, he freqently would come over to chat or hang around me when we were with our group of friends, he always tried to get me to stay out later, and always would try to offer to walk me home at night. I kind of pushed it aside though as I had been informed that one of my friends had a crush on him as soon as had started hanging out with this new group. Eventually a bunch of us went on a snowboarding trip for the weekend, and spending more time with him I realized we had a lot in common and I loved to talk to him. One night as we were having a few adult beverages we started talking about our future career plans (we both are mechanical engineers) and after the conversation I said "Can I just say something? I really really wish Nicole didn't like you", to which he responded "yeah I know what you mean". When we got back after that weekend he almost immediately started iming me and tried to play it off that he wasn't trying to be creepy but he wanted to send me some files for a class I was taking. This kind of paved the way into us talking to each other on a regular basis.

 

By the end of that week we were talking to each other everyday for long periods of time, we had ended up kissing, and he would call because he just wanted to come over and hang out with me. He even stayed over a whole day to help me study for a test. I was hesitant to go anywhere further in letting any of our friends know because I felt bad about hurting my friend. She is the type to frequently have crushes on many guys at one time, and he had made it clear to her and her friends on a few occasions that he wasn't interested in her. So, we kind of started seeing each other in secret until I could talk to her about it, the connection was so strong that even though I felt bad about it, I knew I would forever regret not pursuing something with him. Shortly after the weekend trip I did talk to her about it and she was fine, I know it probably hurt her despite her words but I know she wasn't that head over heels for him so it wasn't all too bad.

 

So that's when we officially seemed to start really dating. We still talked just about everyday about anything and everything, we hung out with friends, on our own. He would take me out on dates and pay, and be a gentleman. The most fun I feel like we would have together was just staying in and watching a movie or playing video games together. I had never felt a connection with someone like what I felt for him, and I am convinced he felt strongly for me as well. Our personalities, interests were the same. He liked me for everything I was, and I truly felt as though I didn't have to try to be someone else for him. Sometimes I even felt as though he was more into me than I was for him, not in a bad way at all or much more, but sometimes he would even just call after class to see if he could come over and just see me for like 10 minutes. He treated me well, not one of us wanted to hang out more or intiated conversation more or less than the other, it was equal.

 

We got to a point were we discussed making it an "official" relationship. He said he had one issue of concern and we talked about it. He is a year older than me and would be graduating in may, he said he had been in two long distance relationships before and that they had both ended badly so he wasn't sure what would happen. "Are you saying you aren't willing to try? Because if you aren't then I mean that's that, but if you are then we'll go with it and see what happens" He told me he was willing to make an effort, and that was enough for me. So it was official, and things were great and continued to be great until about three weeks before school ended.

 

The end of the school year was approaching and we had had pretty little discussion of visiting one another, and I was beginning to get a bit concerned. It was starting to kill me inside. Although I didn't want to I decided we needed to talk about it, for my own peace of mind. When I brought it up to him he said that it was funny I mention it because he had been thinking about it a lot lately too

 

"You don't know how hard it is. After the second one went bad I made a promise to myself that I would never do it again."

"Are you still willing to try?"

"I can't give you an answer because haven't figured that out yet"

"Is it something more than that? I mean if there's a problem with me, then that's a whole nother story"

"No, it's definitely not you." With that he smiled and jokingly said "There's no fixing you"

 

The next day continued almost as normally as far as us goes, but that night I knew something was up. He was acting totally not himself, he seemed to be avoiding me when we were out and just didn't look happy at all. I kept asking him what was wrong and he kept telling me nothing. I finally decided to leave and he acted really wierd and I finally got so frustrated I just said "whatever". and left. As I was walking home he called me and asked it we could meet somewhere because we needed to talk. When we met up he held my hand and we walked somewhere outside to sit down.

 

He told me he had been thinking a lot about it and that he just couldn't do it. He just couldn't go through that again. He added more to it about his job and how his life was going to be crazy moving somewhere new with a new job he would probably be traveling 50% of the time for. He said "I think, especially this first year, I need to focus on my career and not my happiness" I didn't get it, I argued that I understood all that and I wasn't telling him to sacrifice anything for me, I argued we were only going to be a couple hours drive away from one another. He said that I was going to be going to start my summer internship as soon as school was over which took away more time for us to be together before his job started, and that my schedule for next year was full and I wouldn't have time to visit him, and he would be travelling a lot and wouldn't be thrilled about travelling personally when he wasn't for work. I told him I wasn't the one fighting it and I would make time for him. He told me he couldn't do long distance again. I said I didn't think it was fair that I was being judged based on his experience with two other people. He said that it wasn't them it was him, he would want to see me all the time and he would get frustrated and take it out by being angry and acting like an *******. It was hard for me to believe as he had never been an ******* to me, but talking with some other people who have described reacting the same was in long distance I kind of understood. He said "I know I'm going to regret doing this, but I know I'll regret not doing it too". I said "You care about me right? And this is going to suck ending it now right? So if you are so sure it wouldn't work out what difference does it make to try it and have it not work then to just not even try?" he said it would be worse, and it had been for him before in the past. I asked if we couldn't just maybe take it down a notch and keep in contact and he said it would be like the same thing and talking to me would make him want to see me. It went back and forth for awhile, he told me that maybe if when I graduate next year and ended up in Chicago things would be different. Unfair. By this point in time we both stopped at my apartment because we both had to pee. On the way back I said that I guess if it is meant to be we'd find a way back to each other, and he agreed.

 

I try to be strong emotionally and up until this point I had kept my cool but it finally hit me that this was it and he wasn't budging and I just broke down. I asked him just to stay for a second because I have one roommate but she is never there, and I didn't want to be alone. I cried with my head in his lap with he stroked my hair. "I don't understand why if we both care about each other it has to be like this" "time and location are always going to be a factor." I kept crying and he pleaded with me to stop. Finally he said he couldn't stay, it was making it harder, he couldn't do this and he left quickly. I think it may have been because he was going to cry. It hurt bad, his good guy friends were just as confused as me and one of my friends said they discussed it and they all agreed that they were suprised because they knew he really really cared about me, and they thought he freaked out. He had been dreading graduating and the changes that would come with it all year.

 

And here's where I need the help...

 

The most confusing of everything has been his behavior afterwards. I was a good girl and the day after deleted all his texts, his number from my phone, and threw away any evidence of him lingering. The one exception was his calculator which I had borrowed and still had. I immediately started NC. I got an e-mail from him a few days later, which was strange because he never sent me e-mails, which pretty much said that he wanted to know if I still was interested in buying some books from him and if we could meet the next day at a certain time to exchange calculators. He knew my schedule better than I did, and he knew I had class at that time and that day which was strange to me, so I wrote back attempting to schedule for a different time. The next day he started iming me. I immediately cut to the chase and asked when he wanted to meet, he avoided the question and began to upload a bunch of files to a site where I could download them to help with the classes I'm taking in the fall. He chatted for about 45 minutes and I again asked about meeting up to exchange calculators. He reponded by saying that he had to go do run errands and not to worry about it we'd figure it out later. A couple days later I saw him out with our friends and he said very little to me and appeared to be trying to look like he was having a good time. The next day he imed and texted me trying to schedule a time when we could meet. We met, he was very warm, joking and smiley, and stupid me didn't have enough room to carry all the books so I had to ask him if I could get the rest another time. He asked me if I was going to hang out at one of our friends that weekend to which I replied no, I'm going back home this weekend.

 

I came back from home on Sunday refreshed and ready to attempt to get some closure on the situation. I immediately contacted him to try to get the rest of my stuff. He said he would be working on his senior design project all night, to which I asked if he would have just 15 minutes in there to get it done and he said he wouldn't. Shortly after I went to work on something and put an away message up and he immediately told me that, just to let me know, it was crowded there and I should try somewhere else. The next day I was too busy to plan a meeting time so I didn't. Tuesday I had free time and I said "let's plan a time today to get this over with". We did and I was a little excited to get some more closure and try to put the pain behind me. What I got was even more confusion. I expected the exchange to be short and sweet. As soon as I got there he was on his computer working on his design project. He never talked about school much with any of our friends, just me. He proceeded to chat my ear off about his project and presentation. After about 5 minutes he finally said "oh yeah the books are over there". I had made him a double sided fleece blanket as a grad present before we broke up, I couldnt take it back, it was expensive, and I couldn't bear keeping it so I gave it to him. He told me I didnt have to do that and I said I knew but I had already done it before. I kissed him on the forehead, told him good luck with his job, and that I knew he was going to do great, I had no intention of seeing him again in the last week of school. Just as I was at the door, with my hand on the knob, he continued talking to me. He asked how the drive was back from home. I responded then physically made myself leave. He had acted as if we were still together and I had just come for a visit, no closure at all. At least he no longer had an excuse to contact me. Wrong. Two days later he responded to an away message of mine by typing me the next line of the song. A couple days after that we ran into each other studying and he smiled, walked over, and chatted with me. The day after we ran into each other again, this time I was studying with someone else and chose not to look up as he went by. For an hour he walked directly in front of our table 4 times, I finally looked up and as he was walking by he was looking right at me. As soon as we made eye contact he stopped and came over to chat, after he went to the bathroom for a total of four seconds, came back out chatted again, and then went back to his group. As soon as I finished up with my study buddy I went back to my apartment. As soon as I returned from away he started iming me again. He asked why I had left so early, and then began to try to joke with me about how our rival baseball teams were playing each other.

 

A few days later I was done and leaving. I initated convo with him to say a few last things. It was killing me inside, and everyone would tell you not to do it but I did it, I had to, I don't regret it, and I don't think it was a bad choice. I told him I needed to tell him that I had loved him, and I didn't need or want a response from him, it was just something I needed him to know. I had been too scared to say it at the time, and I felt as if I didn't do it now I would regret it forever. He told me that if he didn't see me in the summer he was going to try really hard to be back on campus in the fall for our job fair. I told him that he wasn't going to here from me for awhile, but he would eventually. It was my way of saying I needed some NC. He then proceeded to get into a conversation with me about our jobs. A couple weeks later I was back on campus to stop by and get my stuff so I could move to my internship for the summer. A bunch of my friends who had graduated were still there and I hadn't gotten to say bye to them so I went to hang out. Naturally he was there, but as I had said everything I felt I needed to say I didn't really try to go out of my way to talk to him. I just had fun with my friends. A few times I caught him sulking in the corner with a couple other people secluding himself from the group (unlike him) and glancing over his shoulder staring at me every once in awhile.

 

Two weeks later I started my job and at the end of the first week he imed me, making fun briefly and then asking about my job. It was funny because as he imed me I had been talking to a friend on the phone and explaining how it was hard to not talk to him about my job because I wanted to so bad as we had talked a lot about it together and in the same profession he would appreciate it more.

 

A couple weeks later I texted him because I knew he was moving into his new place soon and I wanted to know how it was going. We ended up texting back and forth for about an hour, during which he made it a point to tell me he had picked a more sensible apartment to save a little money which is what I had tried to tell him to do when we were still together. He would send me links to apartments he was considering to get my opinion on them, as well as furniture.

 

And a few days later (a few days ago) he sent me an im in response to one of my away messages trying to make a joke.

 

Thanks for reading all of my crap if you have

 

Its hard to dicuss with people because a lot of them have never been in a situation like this, and a lot of them have never been in love. I guess I just am confused as to what is going on in his head and/or what I should do. Because of the vagueness of the breakup and that there were no problems to speak of other than the ones which caused him to react, I don't think I would be completely opposed to considering maybe reconciling with him. However if that is the case and that is why he's reacting this way I don't know what I should do in response

 

Any advice from anyone would be much appreciated

[BannaBee57]

Wow, I read all of it

 

Anyway, my opinion is that you should stop contacting him (texting, responding to his texts and IMs or hanging out with mutual friends so much) for a while.

 

Don't read into any of his little joking texts or banter, because he's probably just trying to make himself feel better about things by convincing himself that you guys can remain friends without really realizing how much it's affecting your recovery.

 

These types of situations are really hard because there is no huge, horrible reason that the two of you broke up. I can't blame the guy for wanting to protect his heart if he's been hurt in LDRs in the past.

 

My advice would be to take a lot of time away from him and just try to detox him from your system. Only respond to his contact if it's something to effect of, "I need to talk to you about us" or "I miss you and want to try the LDR". I see no problem with giving him another chance if this happenes because it's not like he was shady about anything (unless of course he's been seeing someone else in the mean time) so you won't be making some huge consolation or losing self respect for giving it another go.

 

However, I wouldn't hold my breath for this because he also could never come back, so don't let the thought of him returning keep you from living your life. Have a great time on your internship and in school next year. You'll probably meet someone new that will sweep you off your feet and will be willing to do anything to be with you, even if it means going long distance for a while.

 

Good luck.

[BlondeAmbition27]

Thanks, I appreciate it. I'm glad you can see things reasonably, my friends just try to tell me he's an ******* blah blah blah but I agree with you, I mean he didn't do anything horrible like cheat or lie, and nothing else was wrong, which makes it all the more difficult to let go of. I agree with what you say 100%, and I have been living my life, not hanging out with those friends as I am in a new town, meeting new people, enjoying my job etc etc. My one concern with not responding to him though is that I'm afraid by doing that if he is considering anything that I would be sending him a negative message and detering him.

[blackberry23]

I know where you're coming from when you say that he didn't do anything wrong so it's hard to let go. My ex didn't really do anything wrong either. I agree with not talking to him and taking time apart from him because if you still are in contact with him, it will affect you getting over him or keep you hanging on. Maybe you can tell him that it would be best if you didn't talk for a while? I mean he should understand. After no contact for a while I think you and him both will realize things!

[blackberry23]

Also, I think he's talking to you and keeping in contact with you because that's what makes HIM feel better. I know he cares about you but he's probably not thinking about what it's doing to you.

[BlondeAmbition27]

Thanks for the advice blackberry, I really appreciate it. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I think I'm going to stick more to the NC then I have been. He's been contacting me more as of late and I think it's really just distorting things for me. Deep down I have faith too that if its really supposed to happen it will, and if he really regrets his choice he'll do something about it

[blackberry23]

I couldn't agree more! No contact is so hard yet helps a lot. It gives both people time to think! I too believe that if it's meant to be it will! It will get easier as time passes to not talk to him. Have you told him that you don't think it's a good idea to keep in contact as for right now?

[BlondeAmbition27]

He hasn't tried to contact me since I have made the decision so I have not. I'm going to wait and see if he does again before I say something, but I will. I know some people say that not informing them of NC is best, but I think to avoid looking like a huge b**** I may just need to tell him I need some more time before I talk to him again. I know its going to be hard because I small part of me doesn't want to let go. I still think about him everyday and dream about him almost everynight. It's painful. But I have a feeling that this may make that slowly go away

[blackberry23]

I know it is so hard to let go of someone you love. And in your situation it is so complicated because it's only the distance that's keeping you apart. Hang in there though =) I'm sure if it is meant to be, it will work out, even if it's not right away. Then again, don't completely rely on it because if it doesn't you'll have to go through the hurting again. I would just try to focus on other things in your life right now and let everything happen naturally if that makes any sense lol. I feel for you though, my ex broke up with me about two months ago and it was such a emotional break-up from both ends we kept in contact for a month but after that he began "talking" to another girl. That's when we stopped all contact. A month of talking to that girl, he came back to me...telling me how he made a huge mistake, he'd do anything to be back with me, etc. etc. and of course I let my emotions go! Two days later he decided he needed to be alone and again & i'm heart broken...but there's nothing I can do.

[BlondeAmbition27]

I'm sorry about your situation, and I appreciate your help. It sounds like he's going through something in his head right now, which I feel like is going on with my ex too. I guess the only thing you can do is try to forget about them and do what you do, and give them time to figure things out. Whether that includes you or not. I guess people like you and I just have to try to tread on and trust that whatever is meant to happen will. All the best of luck

[blackberry23]

Yeah it's so hard though =(

[BlondeAmbition27]

Oh honey I know it is. Trust me, I of all people know. But what you told me is right, you got to move on with your life. We're strong people, you know how I know? Because we wouldn't be on here trying to control parts of our lives if we weren't. We're better than waiting around pining for someone and being miserable. Be strong and move on, if he comes to his senses he'll realize what he's given up and do something about it, and if not oh well.

 

I thought of this quote from Swingers today, I think it might help a little lol

 

"You gotta get on with your life. You gotta let go of the past. And Mikey, when you do, I'm telling you: the future is beautiful alright?"

[blackberry23]

aww lol thank you for the quote! I love it haha. Yeah so much has happened since even that last post with my ex. He wanted me back for the third time and then changed his mind again. lol STUPID ME WHY DID I EVEN PICK UP MY PHONE IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!

 

Oh well, life goes on I guess.

[kizik]

I thought of this quote from Swingers today, I think it might help a little lol

 

"You gotta get on with your life. You gotta let go of the past. And Mikey, when you do, I'm telling you: the future is beautiful alright?"

 

I just watched Swingers too. Here's a section I thought particularly poignant:

 

ROB

The only difference between giving up and

not giving up is if you take her back

when she wants to come back. See, you

can't do anything to make her want to

come back. You can only do things to

make her not want to come back.

 

MIKE

So the only difference is if I forget

about her or pretend to forget about her.

 

ROB

Right.

 

MIKE

Well that sucks.

 

ROB

It sucks.

 

MIKE

So it's almost a retroactive decision.

So I could, like, let's say, forget about

her and when she comes back make like I

just pretended to forget about her.

 

ROB

Right...or more likely the opposite.

 

MIKE

Right... Wait, what do you mean?

 

ROB

I mean first you'll pretend not to care,

not call - whatever, and then,

eventually, you really won't care.

 

MIKE

Unless she comes back first.

 

ROB

Ah, see, that's the thing. Somehow they

don't come back until you really don't

care anymore.

[BlondeAmbition27]

Yeah I have an update too unfortunately it isn't much of a change. He's still contacting me, now its become every few days. Once I ignored it, the next time I responded back to him but pretty terse and straight forward. He talked about his job and how he's only worked a couple weeks and he's already travelled 1700 miles. It almost feels like he was trying to justify himself to me more, and maybe to himself. I just don't understand why he's still trying to talk to me after all this time, why he still wants me to know what he's doing in his life. It's going to sound horrible but I really hope it kills him just as much as it kills me, and when he keeps going out there on the road, all alone, he thinks about how different it would have been if I was there with him. But w/e I've been living my life and having a good time, I'm not dwelling on it for too long. I just hope he realizes he made a big mistake