I read my gf diary. She may of cheated on me.

[wellsofwells]

Hi, this is my first post here so any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

I found my girlfriend's diary and I read it (I'm glad it happened). In her diary it points out that she was seeing her ex boss during the first month we got together. I approached her about it and she said that they were together ( it was on the low - he was married) before me her started dating and said that the entry was mix of fiction and real. Side note - the entry said something about being her period being late and being nervous if anyone would found out.

 

She says that always writes in her diary like that mixing the real with a fantasy or a nightmare. She also said she wanted to make her life into a book so she emblished a bit in the book.

 

Who writes anything but the truth in a diary?

 

Here is some info on us. We've been dating for about a year and 4 months. We just moved in a couple of weeks ago.

 

The time where i think she cheated on me was in the first month of us dating. We stopped dating after that month and got back together 3 months later. Help! The reason why I we stopped dating the first time was because she wasn't ready to get into a heavy relationship and she felt it was going to be going in that direction with me.

 

 

I know it's horrible what I did by going through her diary. We moved in together and I seen it and I had to look at it. I think it's because she never really shared her past with me like how I did with her. So I felt like it was owed to me.

 

I now know I was absolutely wrong and I'm paying by knowing about this. She has forgiven me though... for now.

 

A part of me says it's totally bull**** mixing fictional thoughts (because she wants to write a book about her life) with real life thoughts.

 

I'm in a real hard place because we just recently moved in together. I don't know...

[whichwayisup]

Is she still intouch with the exboss married man?

 

You two need to figure this out, especially since you've just moved in together. Maybe it would have been better to wait? Anyway, I suggest if there's a trust issue here, go to couples counselling to help fix this. If you don't and she isn't willing to go, your relationship will fall apart.

[D-Lish]

If she was seeing someone as well as you the first time you started dating, but she broke it off with you... I think she was doing the best thing for both of you in that situation. Coming back to you 3 months later most likely means she worked through her dilemma and was ready to give herself to you completely.

 

if she has been seeing him as well as you- she did you both a favour by breaking things off back then.

 

It was probably a matter of taking a step back- figuring out what she wanted- and coming to terms with the fact she wanted to be with you. She came back afterall.

 

I tend to look at that first month of dating as a precarious time. She broke up with you at that time because she couldn't give you her full attention- she didn't get back together with you until she was sure she could do that. That's more honourable than continuing to see both of you and lying about it.

 

She came clean about her initial relationship with her boss- perhaps that is the best you can expect from her given that it happened 14 months ago.

 

When I used to write a diary- I often jotted down random thoughts.

I wrote out anything and everything that came to mind... don't know if that helps.

 

Do you have reason to believe she is cheating now? If you don't- I would let the past stay where it is.

[Bryanp]

I am sorry for you but you know it is true. She is trying to put a spin on it. Why would you be lying in your diary? The bottom line is that you have a girlfriend who had no problem dating and screwing a married man. What does that say about her? You have a girlfriend who had no problem lying to you and dating a married man during the beginning part of your relationship. Finally you have a girlfriend who has no problem lying to you today about what she wrote in the diary that it was not true. In essence, you have a girlfriend who in the past had no problem dating a married man, dating you at the same time and still lies to you about it. I don't think she sounds very special.

[porter218]

I really doubt there is any fiction in this diary. But because of the timing of this fling I wouldn't worry to much about it. I feel like this because during that first month she did tell you she basically wasn't ready for commitment yet. She probably did cheat on you but it sounds like she broke up with you to sort this out better so she could come correct to you later on. However you need to insist she come clean about this or you may never beleive anything else she says.

[Stockalone]

In her diary it points out that she was seeing her ex boss during the first month we got together. I approached her about it and she said that they were together ( it was on the low - he was married) before me her started dating and said that the entry was mix of fiction and real. Side note - the entry said something about being her period being late and being nervous if anyone would found out.

 

...

 

The time where i think she cheated on me was in the first month of us dating. We stopped dating after that month and got back together 3 months later. Help! The reason why I we stopped dating the first time was because she wasn't ready to get into a heavy relationship and she felt it was going to be going in that direction with me.

 

I would look at it this way. What would you have done if you had found out about the affair with her former boss during the first month of dating her?

 

Would you have continued dating her or not? Ask yourself what the answer to that question would have been and why. Also, do you think she would likely cheat again if things get tough or do you have enough faith/trust (based upon the experience of being with her for over a year) in her that she won't do it again?

[wellsofwells]

Thanks so much for all the replies. I'm extremely late for work and I'll be back on the forum later tonight with more on this topic.

 

Thanks everyone

[wellsofwells]

Thank you all. You made some valid points.

 

Really all I want her to do is fess up so we can get over this. I know that the first month of dating is a very precious time. A lot of mistakes happen during that time that determine if the relationship would last. Also, in the same breath everything that happens that is good is what makes it last.

 

I believe I deserve the truth. I've never once given her reason to doubt my love for her and I've been an outstanding boyfriend from the start. Also, we are now living together. We are at a new start in our relationship. I don't want anymore secrets between us.

 

I've confronted her about it and she insists that this is just some sort of way for her to get out her random thoughts in her head. Some of it most of if it is real some of if it is not. She said she likes delve into the most weirdest, hardest, and darkest scenarios in her head and put it down on paper - kinda like a 'what if...' thingy.

 

I can't believe it. It's just so hard. Diaries contain the truth usually. Can anyone side with what she's saying? I would love your insight.

 

She's never given me a reason to believe she is cheating but I know just by the type of guys she used to date that she was a bit of a wild one back then. Most of them older guys (like in their 40's - she's 23). But in the same breath her numbers weren't so high (5 or 6 guys).

 

I'm in a real bind. I want to fess up. I truly believe that she stop dating me the first time because she was trying to end her relationship with her ex boss but probably got sucked back in and she didn't want to hurt me and felt that me not knowing was in our best interest. Only because it was so early into the relationship. Some of you stated this and I think that's true.

 

But I cannot live with a lie.

 

oh boy what a mess....

[tinktronik]

Thats the problem with reading someones personal and private thoughts. YOU don't know if what she says now is true and you never will. I don't find it unlikely that she may have embellished in her diary. Most of our lives are such a snooze, if I kept a diary I would most certainly embellish, otherwise I would have nothing to write of much substance excepting every few weeks.

[Spectre]

If what she says is true, which I doubt, you have to wonder why she would make up fiction about cheating on her bf. Who wants a girl like that anyways.

[missdeathwish]

Well, it could be that you two had different ideas of what the relationship meant. If you'd just gotten together (you said it was within the first month?), it is reasonable that she may have been dating other guys. Obviously I wasn't there. The say I see it, unless you'd actually had the exclusivity talk, you can't hold her to exclusivity.

 

You also said that this happened months ago? I wouldn't worry about it, especially given what I just mentioned. (That and you two have had a break.)

 

I suggest that you discuss your relationship status with your girlfriend if it's not clear. Since you two are living together, I'd say it's pretty clear that you guys are monogamous. However, bring it up if you're worried. Good luck to you.

[A.G.Doren]

OP- While I don't keep a diary as a writer I write what-if fiction from my life all the time.I basically conceive scenarios where I do something different from what I actually did or something that I would never do like sleep with a hot married guy. Some of these I write down some of these I don't, sometimes I change names and characters and sometimes I don't.

 

Let me ask you this. Is she generally an honest person? Seems to me like she may have broken things off you with because she wasn't sure what she wanted back when she was seeing you and the married boss.

[Tripper]

The bottom line is that you have a girlfriend who had no problem dating and screwing a married man. What does that say about her? You have a girlfriend who had no problem lying to you and dating a married man during the beginning part of your relationship. Finally you have a girlfriend who has no problem lying to you today about what she wrote in the diary that it was not true. In essence, you have a girlfriend who in the past had no problem dating a married man, dating you at the same time and still lies to you about it. I don't think she sounds very special.

 

Yeah, except the only problem with this opinion is it doesn't take into account human fallibility, learning from mistakes and changing into a better person.

 

It sounds like she took time off from a potential relationship to sort her life out.

 

OP, initially you were in the right place at the wrong time. Now your gf seems to have sorted herself out. Unless you have reason to believe she is cheating or screwing around on you NOW within the context of your monogamous, exclusive relationship, I would let this go. Why?? Because it's not a perfect world where you meet the person of your dreams all unencumbered. Crap happens and we all have pasts.

 

If you have any doubt about the status of your relationship with your gf going forward, then you should address it now. Otherwise concentrate on what you can have going forward... and rethink about snooping.. How would you feel if she went through your personal papers...??

[blind_otter]

When I kept a journal I put a bunch of stuff in there. Notes, poems, short fiction, ramblings about my innermost thoughts, magazine clippings, pictures I like. In some of my journals I also add a food journal to catalogue what I'm eating and when and how much. But I have never just sat there and wrote plain old vanilla stuff outlining what happened each day. Blah, how boring.

 

I have a question - when did you have your 'exclusivity talk' in your relationship? Are you counting the "first month of dating" from when you both decided to be exclusive with one another, or just from when you had your first date. Did you even ever have the "exclusivity talk"?

[carhill]

Let go of her and please don't read someone's personal things again.

 

My take is there's an unhealthy dynamic here. If the underlying attraction and connection is there, it will still be there in a year, allowing for personal growth.

[wellsofwells]

The thing that confuses me about the diary is that some of it's real. Also, I asked her a long time ago if she ever had a affair with her ex boss and she said no (this is second part when we started dating again). So she did lie about something. She said she was ashamed about the affair and just wanted to bury it. That's why she never told me about it.

 

I just find it hard to believe that it's not real when the part about them having a fair was true.

 

We never had a discussion about exclusivity when during the first month. But last week when I confronted her about her diary and asked her if she was seeing me and him the around the first month we started dating she said she would never date two guys at the same time. Despite how early into dating it is.

 

I have no reason to believe that she is continuing to see this guy or anyone else now. I know she loves me. Heck. We just moved in with each other. That show be a good indicator how things were going before I found her diary.

 

I just want to get the truth out of her about our early months/first stage of us dating.

[Spectre]

Dump her, she's not worth it.

 

Even if she is writing fictional entries in her diary, you don't want a crazy chick like that.

[twice_shy]

I now know I was absolutely wrong and I'm paying by knowing about this. She has forgiven me though... for now.

 

Well thats awful big of her, forgiving you when she messed around on you at the beginning of your relationship.

 

 

I'm in a real hard place because we just recently moved in together. I don't know...

 

Ya, that is a tough spot, I wouldn't imagine you'd want to move right out again. Question is, do you trust her? Have you talked to her in detail about her seeing someone else when you two became an item?

Maybe you should ask her if you should be upset with her for that.

[twice_shy]

She came clean about her initial relationship with her boss

 

No, she never said a word to him about it until AFTER he found out in her diary. It was written in plain text by her, so she really couldn't deny it.

 

 

Do you have reason to believe she is cheating now? If you don't- I would let the past stay where it is.

 

But the past includes cheating, and cheating on him. Not something that can just be left there. Only he can decide if he can do that. My guess is it will always be in the back of his mind.

[MrsHellnofires]

Hi, this is my first post here so any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

I found my girlfriend's diary and I read it (I'm glad it happened). In her diary it points out that she was seeing her ex boss during the first month we got together. I approached her about it and she said that they were together ( it was on the low - he was married) before me her started dating and said that the entry was mix of fiction and real. Side note - the entry said something about being her period being late and being nervous if anyone would found out.

 

She says that always writes in her diary like that mixing the real with a fantasy or a nightmare. She also said she wanted to make her life into a book so she emblished a bit in the book.

 

Who writes anything but the truth in a diary?

 

Here is some info on us. We've been dating for about a year and 4 months. We just moved in a couple of weeks ago.

 

The time where i think she cheated on me was in the first month of us dating. We stopped dating after that month and got back together 3 months later. Help! The reason why I we stopped dating the first time was because she wasn't ready to get into a heavy relationship and she felt it was going to be going in that direction with me.

 

 

I know it's horrible what I did by going through her diary. We moved in together and I seen it and I had to look at it. I think it's because she never really shared her past with me like how I did with her. So I felt like it was owed to me.

 

I now know I was absolutely wrong and I'm paying by knowing about this. She has forgiven me though... for now.

 

A part of me says it's totally bull**** mixing fictional thoughts (because she wants to write a book about her life) with real life thoughts.

 

I'm in a real hard place because we just recently moved in together. I don't know...

 

As just a personal account, I have never lied in a diary nor have I knew anyone who did. If anything, I understated situations in fear of someone close reading it. Never have I embellished.

[Tripper]

I just want to get the truth out of her about our early months/first stage of us dating.

 

I'm a little fuzzy here, so humor me, WoW..

 

Once you have the "truth" what are you going to do with it??

[wellsofwells]

I guess I'll probably leave her if I found out if she did cheat on me.

 

It's just so hard to believe it's fictional what she wrote in her diary. She says she always writes like that in her diary and gave me a couple of examples. But I'm still not buying it. I guess i'm ****ed.

[D-Lish]

It's a tough call to make- in the first month of dating, without an exclusivity talk... Both you and her were sort of free to be dating other people weren't you?

 

By the sounds of it, she may well have been dating both of you at the same time- became confused, and decided to call it off and take a step back. She came back to you when she had worked out her feelings and could fully commit to you.

 

People rarely talk about exclusivity in the first month.

 

I have been having dates with a few different guys lately. I just consider myself to be "dating", and I don't talk about who else I am dating with any of them because I don't think it's their business (I am not fooling around with any of them). I don't doubt they are doing the same thing, and it doesn't matter to me. If I decide I want to take things further with any of these guys- I will just progress into that stage with one of them and let the others go- or who knows... maybe someone will come along that will blow me away.

 

Without the exclusivity talk in that first month- is that truly cheating?

If it truly is a deal breaker that she was seeing her boss when the two of you met, then living together is something you might want to get out of asap.

 

I know the last couple guys I entered into an exclusive relationship with when I first met them were playing the field. I guess if this is something you cannot get through or forgive her for- you will have to let her go.

 

I'm sorry you had to find this out now.

It sounds a bit complicated- because it happened so long ago and you are now in love with her and living together.

[Tripper]

I guess I'll probably leave her if I found out if she did cheat on me.

 

It's just so hard to believe it's fictional what she wrote in her diary. She says she always writes like that in her diary and gave me a couple of examples. But I'm still not buying it. I guess i'm ****ed.

 

Ok, fair enough but how has the last year been? Is she loyal? trustworthy? Support you when you need it?? Do you have a common value system? In other words, do you see a long term relationship or life partnership with her??

 

You're free to do what you want, however given that most of the detailed advice here has been around the "exclusivity" talk and what your status was that first month, be careful you don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.

[Untouchable_Fire]

It was probably a matter of taking a step back- figuring out what she wanted- and coming to terms with the fact she wanted to be with you. She came back afterall.

 

I tend to look at that first month of dating as a precarious time. She broke up with you at that time because she couldn't give you her full attention- she didn't get back together with you until she was sure she could do that. That's more honourable than continuing to see both of you and lying about it.

 

I don't typically buy into this line of thinking, especially here because she was not upfront about it.

 

More than likely she knew exactly what she wanted... the married boss. However chances of getting him are pretty low. So, she keeps WoW on the bench until that situation plays out.

 

Also, good chance that she broke up with him because things were looking up with the boss. She came back to him after it was clear she wasn't going anywhere.

 

Wellofwells, I personally don't think it's a good idea to be the backup guy for any woman. Your going to have to decide whether your her 1st choice or not. You may be Mr. Rightnow, but somethign better will come along eventually. Do you think she will stick with you? I think it's been established already that she has no problems lieing to you.