Oh My God He Texted Me!!!!

[sedgwick]

Sedge, I do not have any advice as you handled this the best way for you. You have already recieved great comments (and some crappy ones, but hey ho this is LS lol)

 

I am in shock that he called!!! I never expected that as you were so adamant that he would never contact you again!

 

You will be on a roller coaster of emotions for a while but I am sure this will make you stronger.

 

At least you know that he is still the prick he was back then!

 

You will be ok!

 

I know. I'll be fine. And I'm in shock that he called too, believe me! But I do feel fairly confident at this point that I've heard from him for the last time. And I do feel stronger.

 

Your signature is hilarious!! xox

[serendip]

Hey sedgewick

 

Do you think your ex contacting you was better for you?

 

I thought you were doing better as time progressed and you were strong in your NC stance. Now he's got your mind going all over the place.

 

btw...that was a lame text he sent to initiate contact("Talk?") especially after so long.

 

I think it's best to close this chapter in your life and move on for good.

 

I myself am almost heal from the traumatic drama-filled breakup with my ex. It took me a year to do it. I am on 3 mths of strict NC(I had to ignore her last text "how r you...was thinking of u today")...but it has made me feel better.

[sb129]

Sometimes after a period of time... The person you love contacts you, what you had been wishing so long for...You finally see the person that he is... and the rose colored glasses come off...

 

 

Perhaps, after all this time you recognize how much you have grown and learned he is not worth your time.... Hugs...

 

So.... he ignores you for 10 months after dumping you brutally and then just calls out of the blue to say he was doing some catching up with old pals and you were first on his list???

 

NO-WAY. You did the right thing.

 

 

I agree. You handled it really well Sedgwick.

I have been following your story, and I think this came at the perfect time- any earlier and I don't think you would have been strong enough to cope with it the way you did.

 

Its another huge step towards closure and being over him, I think.

 

My ex contacted me this year too http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t147420/

 

Weird huh.

[sedgwick]

Hey sedgewick

 

Do you think your ex contacting you was better for you?

 

I thought you were doing better as time progressed and you were strong in your NC stance. Now he's got your mind going all over the place.

 

btw...that was a lame text he sent to initiate contact("Talk?") especially after so long.

 

Yeah, ya think? The boy has zero communication skills. I can't believe he thought he could just call me up like old buddies, like nothing happened.

 

I'm glad I talked to him, though. I know now that he doesn't hate me and hasn't forgotten about me. I also think that if he was with someone else, he'd have mentioned it, so I'm taking comfort in the fact that he hasn't found some perfect fiddle player who's better than me.

 

I'm proud of myself that I didn't even begin to engage him in conversation. I've been questioning myself because of some of the comments on this thread, but I've also talked to several of my friends since it happened and they've all felt like I did the right thing. I like hearing this from people who knew him. I gave him SO many chances and SO much leeway and he just couldn't be bothered to meet me halfway.

[motive2002]

HI SEDGE!!!

 

Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you. It's been a while since I hit the break-up section and couldn't believe my eyes when I saw your post. I hope you continue to feel strong.

 

I think I would literally collapse if the ex contacted me. I don't know if I could get any words out, nevermind rejecting her so bluntly.

When the shock wears off (which it probably will) I hope you come 'round here and check in.

 

Take care

 

~motive

[sedgwick]

Thank you, Motive. I miss him a lot, still, but it was great to find out that I COULD hear his voice and survive! It took all my strength to say what I did, but I'm glad I said it. This time HE got to be the one not getting what he wanted. It feels really great to have had a chance to reject him...I know that may be immature, but it sure was healing!

[jerbear]

I know that may be immature, but it sure was healing!

 

Time to get another tattoo.

[sedgwick]

Time to get another tattoo.

 

Ha -- I did, the next night! Seriously! (But it was just more work on my back, it wasn't commemorative.)

[Lookingforward]

Yeah, ya think? The boy has zero communication skills. I can't believe he thought he could just call me up like old buddies, like nothing happened.

 

I'm glad I talked to him, though. I know now that he doesn't hate me and hasn't forgotten about me. I also think that if he was with someone else, he'd have mentioned it, so I'm taking comfort in the fact that he hasn't found some perfect fiddle player who's better than me.

 

I'm proud of myself that I didn't even begin to engage him in conversation. I've been questioning myself because of some of the comments on this thread, but I've also talked to several of my friends since it happened and they've all felt like I did the right thing. I like hearing this from people who knew him. I gave him SO many chances and SO much leeway and he just couldn't be bothered to meet me halfway.

 

yeah, but look at the source honey you did good - proud of you

[LakesideDream]

Sedge, been reading your story for a Long time, over a year. I've seldom written a comment.

 

I have great empathy. I know how you are feeling now and it can be one of the worst, and best feelings in the world, at the same time.

 

Try to stay level,

 

Best luck to you.

[sedgwick]

It hurts a lot today. I know I did the right thing, but I really miss him. I hope it will stop hurting altogether someday, but that still seems so far away.

[zicke]

What are you missing about him? I just don't see where he was all that a great boyfriend to begin with. From what you've said he was disinterested in pretty much everything you have had going on, he was dirty, smelly and underweight, he traveled a lot, he didn't read, he would rather sleep with his bass than you, he wasn't all that into you as you weren't a musician, he dumped you...etc.

 

What is it you are really missing? A boyfriend period? Is it the feeling you got that this "amazing musician" (which, somehow I don't believe he is the best old time bass player ever in the universe) was with you? the cache of it?

 

Because sometimes we don't really miss the person, just the feeling we got about ourselves when we were with them. It just doesn't sound like this man was really your dream man. Maybe you convinced yourself he was because he really wasn't. I did this with my ex. Convinced myself that there was no better man out there, when in reality, he was quite possible the worst man for me, ever.

 

Some of the hardest relationships to get out of or to end are the ones where we ourselves convinced ourselves that no other would do, when in the beginning of these relationships, we were even quite doubtful that we wanted to date them to begin with.

 

You are so determined not to get over him. What would happen once you determine to get over him? He just really doesn't sound that special. He was quite dismissive to you throughout the relationship. (From what you have stated)

 

Think about it -- your true reasons for hanging on. Because your true mate would never leave you. Your true mate values you, and what you have to offer. He sounds selfish.

[sunshinegirl]

Some of the hardest relationships to get out of or to end are the ones where we ourselves convinced ourselves that no other would do, when in the beginning of these relationships, we were even quite doubtful that we wanted to date them to begin with.

 

Holy macaroni - this is me!!!!!

 

In reviewing my really old emails to friends at the start of my now-ended relationship, I was really vocal about my concern that he wasn't a talker and I wasn't sure I could deal with it. But I went ahead and dated him for over a year anyway, falling in love in the process and now being devastated that indeed, his stupid inability to talk and inability to feel led to our downfall.

 

***

 

sedg, I wanted to comment on the whole sleeping with his bass thing.

 

Okay, to the normal reader, and any person not in the middle of your situation, this is completely beyond ridiculous, abnormal, troubling, messed up, stupid, slightly frightening antisocial behavior. Yet somehow it didn't set off your alarms and everything within you that probably recognized this as "not normal". Why do you think that is?

 

My first boyfriend was a nutter. Completely messed up human being. Turned out to be way deep in denial about being gay, in fact, though that's not germane to what I'm about to say. (hmm, or maybe it is, I don't know)

 

Anyway, we were staying at his parents' place one weekend, and as was our norm, I slept in his childhood bedroom and he slept on the couch. The next morning he told me that he had gotten cold in the night, and therefore went to sleep with his parents.

 

I kid you not, I crap you not, this was an almost 30 year old man crawling under the sheets with his mother and father.

 

Now: to my own credit I was completely appalled and freaked out that he did such a thing. I tried to convince him it was unnatural for a grown man to sleep with his parents. However, he was so nonchalant about it and thought it was such a completely normal thing to do that I ended up doubting my own sanity and thinking "well, I shouldn't be so judgmental. Maybe it's really not a big deal."

 

Do you see how ludicrous my own thinking became? He gaslighted me, big time, got me to doubt myself and my instincts and my thinking, to the point that I literally became blind, numb, deaf to the raging huge red signs and flags that were waving all over the place that he was an extremely disturbed person.

 

I'm a smart and accomplished girl, sedg, and from everything you've written, you are too. Yet somehow these guys are able to undermine everything we know and believe about ourselves and the world.

 

It took me well over a year to recover from the damage that boyfriend caused. I had to rebuild my self-esteem from the ground floor up. It sucked but boy did I ever emerge with a crystal clear understanding that I was NEVER the problem: it was always, always him. My only mistake was not protecting myself...and naively believing the love would conquer all.

[sedgwick]

Wow, you guys. Damn. Lots to think about. Thank you.

 

It's hard to explain what I saw in him. He was just so charmingly eccentric. I have this total fetish for guys in 1940s suits and fedoras and glasses and mismatched socks, what can I say.

 

I found it incredibly attractive that he was working so hard to achieve his dream. I need the people I date to be motivated and creative because I get bored with them otherwise. And he really is talented, I swear to god. We both like to sit around and take old machines apart and put them back together. He's funny and silly and positive and full of joy. He's an activist. We have more bizarre, specific similarities than I've ever had with anyone. I fell in love with him the minute I saw him. I was crazily attracted to him and that made the sex great even though it wasn't, technically. I couldn't keep my hands off of him.

 

I absolutely see the red flags that were always there. He's VERY selfish. Very much a spoiled only child. A little bit afraid to stand up for himself with his parents -- for example, he told me once, "My mom will be freaked out by the tattoos." Which I can totally understand; full-body tattoos are not for everyone. But I think if you talk to me for five minutes you see I'm not some scary degenerate. I daresay I come off as a fairly intelligent, funny, friendly chick. But even though I invited him to meet my family, he never invited me to meet his.

 

I thought his selfishness was a sign I wasn't giving enough, or that something was wrong with me. I'm slowly coming to see that it wasn't, and that he really was a kind of a douche. But he did a number on my self-esteem. I've definitely had to rebuild from the ground up. Being left because your career and your interests aren't good enough really ****ing hurts.

 

The whole thing about sleeping with his parents, btw? EWWWWWWW. Can you even imagine crawling into bed with your parents?!?! *shudders*

[Lishy]

How do you feel today?

 

I am still shocked he called but in a way I wish he didn't as he has just knocked you back in your progress!

[sedgwick]

I'm better today. My friend and her husband are taking me to Six Flags to ride roller coasters, as a belated birthday present. Seeing as how roller coasters are one of my most favorite things in the world, I'm pretty stoked!

 

I actually feel like his call helped me heal a bit. It was really good to get to say what I wanted to say. It was good to know he doesn't hate me. And I really, definitively, do not expect to ever hear from him again at this point. I feel like there's at least some closure now.

 

And knowing he's still the same as he ever was makes me feel good about all the personal growth I've done in the past year. At least one of us learned something from this experience.

 

I talked to my Mom about it last night and she was totally shocked he had done such a thing. When I told her he'd called, she just said, "You're kidding." She told me over and over that she was proud of me. She said, "There was a time when you couldn't have done that, and look how much stronger you've gotten since then." So that made me feel pretty good.

[critter909]

Sedg-

 

I had a good conversation with my ex last week and felt like it didn't set me back. I was able to ask and say a lot of the things I had on my mind since the break up and it felt good to put them out there, and that he actually listended. We are on NC since then but it has been easier this time.

[Lishy]

I agree that it can go either way when you finally get the contact you never thought you would!

 

I am glad you feel how you do Sedge and hopefully this will give you closure

 

And yes, you should look at this that he has not changed one iota and you have! You have gained strength from this and lets hope it stays that way!

 

Well done you!