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4 years of marriage for nothing...I feel sad,depressed,angry...?

akhom1983

By akhom1983,
in Separation and Divorce

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akhom1983

akhom1983

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Listen i don't know if this has happened to anyone here but i don't wish it upon anyone on this earth. Here is the deal i have been married for 4 years with what i thought as the love of my life.

 

Everything was great with really no problems at all (I don't know maybe i didn't catch it) We got along great and we even talked about getting serious about a family in a few years.Then about 3 months

a go i noticed her acting strange but i couldn't really tell why. She was grumpy and easily annoyed (She's not like that all) and when i confronted her about it she said she was fine and that i was overreacting (I should have known it was the beginning of the end but i thought she was probably just going thru a phase)

 

That was just the begging as the time went little things where fine where no longer fine. She was wasn't talking like she was before and thats a big deal because she talks. We started to eat more delivery,fast food,frozen food, because she was tired. The "Tired" part became a common theme with here all of sudden with everything Sex,Going Out and anything you can think of that couples do.

 

As time went by i confronted her again and said if their was anything wrong but she said no. The very few times we had sex (If you want to call it that) or any thing physical like kissing where all fake with no more passion or love it was gone. I tried to pretend that everything was fine but deep down i knew something was wrong. Even my friends and family noticed something was different when we hung out for dinner or bbq. When we where with her friends and family tho she seemed more normal but i guess thats understandable.

 

A month a go i told her that maybe we should go on a vacation to relax and get away but she didn't seem enthusiastic about it.She said that it was not good time to go on vacation since they needed her at work and could not take time off (Bull****) We had talked about going on vacation for like a year and both of us had the ability to take it since we hadn't ask for time off in more than a year and half.

At this point i was just ready to pop she was not the same person anymore so i got into big argument and confronted asking her for answers. She proceeded to leave to her sisters acting as the victim so i just let cool off. I called her but she didn't pick up. She stayed their for a few days and i between this time i started to brainstorm as to what caused her to change so dramatically.

 

I came up with nothing so i talked to her sister who is cool person but she herself really didn't no much either. Well after a week she came back home but she came back to come clean with the truth. She said that she had met this guy and that she was in love with him and that she din't love me anymore.

She broke my heart in an instant as all the things we had done and plans we had for shattered. I asked her if those all those years that we spent together mean anything? She said that those were good times but that she can't control her strong feelings for that other person.

 

I asked her who the other person was and she said that it was someone she known from the past (High School) I told her how this happened she said that he had been looking for her for a while and he finally tracked her down. She said she didn't fool around and everything was innocent and that they only talked but to me thats just not right. She said that nothing happened and that he respected the fact she was married and try anything. But she said that as time went by she could not hold back her feelings. At this point as you may imagine i'm in pain, but i had to face the viscous nightmare.

 

She moved out asked for the divorce right away with basically no hesitation. I told my friends and family and they could not believe it but i guess thats life sometimes. I tried to talk to her about it 1 more time to see if their was anything we could do to save the marriage and she just said that she's in love with someone else and that she didn't mean to hurt me and that staying together would hurt both of us.At that point that was it it was real so we started the divorce process. On my way to see the attorney i cried (Real tears of sadness) like when a close family member dies, you know when you choke up and it hurts bad. (You know what i'm talking about)

 

I talked to her sister who i had known longer than her and she basically said she didn't any of this until she told her about it as she told me. I wanted info on they guy so i asked her if she knew who this guy was and she basically said that they both met in freshman year of high school. It turns out this guy liked her back in high school and she apparently also felt the same about him. Her sister said that she her sell personally met him in their sophomore year and that she knew that they liked each other but she could not realize why neither made a move especially him. The guy all of sudden left in the middle of the sophomore year never to be heard from again.

According to her she said that she remembers always looking for him in school and when she didn't see him again she was sad and thought about him allot. What i found extremely disturbing in all of this is that she said that barely knew each other yet they have this connection? And still after what 10, 11 years? It's nonsense but i guess thats how it works in the world huh?

 

You can't imagine how my blood boils to find out that I'm a victim to this lost love that is basically scripted out of a Hollywood movie, but only to find out that its real.

I hired a (PI) too look into this guy to see if he had dirt but nothing. All i did was made things worse for myself.

Turns out the guy has money and to go along with his looks.

 

You know i don't know maybe it's me but it's pretty messed up for someone to just come in an alter your life just like that.I mean if he had just let it go we probably would not have problems and none of this would have happened.

I'm a pretty simple man, i don't really ask for much but the one thing that i valued most in this world is just taken away in the blink of an eye? I mean do people have to be that selfish?

How can i cope with this? Mentally and physically i don't feel good at

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Nomad1

Nomad1

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Akhom,

 

I am sorry to hear about your sadness. There is nothing you can do. Thank your lucky stars that you didn't have any kids with her. Let her go man. Go into complete No Contact. It will be hard at first, but gradually you will forget about her.

 

Take care man.

 

Nomad1

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guessjeans

guessjeans

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Go no contact and eventually you will forget her?? lol! yeah, right!

 

Uh, no, you wont ever forget her. You will probably always love her, especially when it was her that left, and it was something you didnt want.

 

My advice is that you have to take care of YOU now. Protect yourself from being hurt anymore than you already are. Going no contact if you can is the best way, as it helps getting through the processes of grieve easier, if there is an easier way. Ive seen this hundreds of times. Amazing how 6 months ago, perhaps a year ago, things were good between you, if nothing else, you were good friends, and as soon as another person comes into the picture, how they say they dont need you anymore, that they havent felt this or that way about you for awhile, etc etc.

 

The grass is greener on the other side huh. She is living in a fantasy land, made up of unrealistic images of there life together. Fantasies is all they are. Sure, it will exciting for both of them in the beginning, but at some point, she will wake up one morning and realize what she thought what she wanted wasnt him, but was right in front of her all this time.

 

Slowly begin the process of picking up the pieces of your broken heart. You dont want to hear about her life, so go no contact if you can. Start getting busy doing things that will keep your mind of things, at least for perhaps a couple of minutes at a time, then an hour at a time, then hours at a time, then eventually days at a time.

 

Its a hard process, but unfortunately, its one you have to go through. Let her be.

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chuckgirl

chuckgirl

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I don't agree with the above post. She may never realize that you were what she really wanted. If you were what she really wanted, she would still be with you. Although, that would not be the first time that happened, if it does.

 

I am glad for you that it was only 4 years and no kids. In the realm of a life span, for most, 4 years is not that long. You will find someone special, who feels the same about you.

 

Be the best person and don't change. Don't dwell on 4 years gone for nothing. Don't let that interferring with a good relationship that is awaiting you.

 

I know how hurt you are. I have felt that pain twice in my life. It never really goes away completely. However, you will soon feel better and then when you find that special someone, you will know, because they will have taken that pain away, just by being with you. You will redirect your feelings and the other sadness will fade.

 

So give yourself some time and then get back on that horse again.

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dead-dyke

dead-dyke

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Yeah, this sounds like we were hired for the same play. Guess is absolutley right. There is nothing. I repeat, NOTHING you can do. I stupidly tried to save my marriage, and just made things worse. It wasn't untill all my stuff had been moved out, and 6 mos. later, that I gave up, refused to ever call her again, and even not trying to figure out what the hell was going on. Thankfully, like you, no kids involved. Just over a yr. for me now, and while I still think about her, I'm in a much better place. June 11 was our wedding aniversery, and feeling a little down, thought I would look at the wedding video.

 

Then I came to my senses. It doesn't mean anything. Why would I hurt myself when she couldn't, wouldn't, and doesn't give a s**t. I don't dwell anymore, and hopefully, you will get there sooner than I did. The only fantasy land I live in, is one where she comes back, apologizes, and I tell her to take a hike. Thanks to her, I can honestly say, there is no one in the world you can trust.

 

I really wish you luck w/ healing, and if it's any consolation, listen to the people here about NC. The healing process is greatly accelerated.

 

Good luck, and sorry you have to experiance this.

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whichwayisup

whichwayisup

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When one person feels no love anymore and has emotionally detached, enough that they want out, there's pretty much nothing you can do to save the marriage.

 

Sorry for your pain, keep posting, venting and also if you feel you can't handle this on your own, seek some counselling to help you through this.

 

Read no foolin's thread in the coping section, I'll bump it up for you so it will be on the 1st page.

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81West

81West

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I don't agree with the above post. She may never realize that you were what she really wanted. If you were what she really wanted, she would still be with you. Although, that would not be the first time that happened, if it does..

 

I'm kind of with you here. Akhom's power to grow and evolve and come out the other side of this a wiser and better man is not connected in any way to whether or not his wife ever comes to perceive that she made a mistake. That being said, if it gives him some comfort to know that at the very least her new relationship will not be perfect and that the newness will fade and have the same challenges as any other, then he should take that comfort because it's certainly true.

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iluvpink

iluvpink

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Whichwayisup - Thanks so much for posting that thread - what a great post. I'm printing that one out and reading it everyday until I can cope. Thanks again

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trust

trust

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akhom:

 

Wow. I sit here, almost 4 years later, watching Denise Richards' new show on TV thinking how much I'd snatch that girl up in a heartbeat... saw her assistant text her saying that he quit... and bang..that triggered something from the past that led me to this site and to your post. My wife, who I was happily married to for almost 6 years, DIVORCED ME OVER THE PHONE. And this chic is complaining about someone quitting a job via text message?

 

I want to say that I really feel for you because I was in your spot in August of 2004. Your story is a very common one. Happens every day and it really sucks. I have some really good advice for you since you asked how to cope. Your situation sounds similar to mine. I'm not going to tell you that you should be glad you didn't have kids because I remember how much I hated to hear that each and every time it left a well intentioned person's mouth. It only minimized my tragedy and did absolutely nothing to make me feel better. That's like telling a rape victim that she better be glad she didn't get pregnant. Does nothing to calm her. I will tell you that I really feel your pain. It's going to get a bit worse for you but don't get discouraged.

 

I'm assuming you live in a divorce "no fault" state and that you did at least suggest marriage counseling. Not that I believe that it is going to help you but you should at least make a sincere effort and ask. Put it in writing. She will turn it down, but that's ok. The reason why I say this is so that years from now, if she changes her story and decides to lie about what happened, you'll find that you will have to defend yourself over and over...so just get important things in writing so that it will be easier to put it all behind you in the future.

 

Here are some do's and don'ts:

 

1. Do BREAK ALL CONTACT. Unfortunately, you will have to contact her concerning the million and one details of the divorce. Each and every time you talk to her it will slowly rip your heart out more and more. Keep it strictly business. This was absolutely the toughest thing for me to do. I truly loved my wife as I'm sure you love yours. Another poster mentioned that you will always love her. Uh, no. Choose to not love her. You will learn to do this in time. Love is something most folks know very little about. Love is a two way street. You continuing to love someone who obviously does not love you anymore is idolatry, infatuation, obsession, --take your pick. It's anything but love. You WILL get over her.

 

2. Don't cave and give her the farm. Fight for your half. At first, I wanted to give my wife everything because I was so hurt. Luckily, one of her friends changed my mind and I kept much of what I had. After the no fault bullcrap law in my state got finished with me, I lost my mansion, my new cars, my heart, my dignity, and about a half million dollars. She even took the sky miles off of my credit card. I came home from work early to find her stealing things from the house as well. Don't think your wife won't do this. If she will rip your heart out like that, she's bound to do any of the above. Don't be an idiot and try to be the "nice guy." It's too late for that now.

 

3. A previous poster mentioned that he was watching his old wedding video. NO WAY. Don't go there. Related to that subject, don't be a bit surprised if she doesn't want any of the personal belongings. My wife went through the photo albums removing pictures of herself, and leaving the ones with only me, or pictures that had the two of us. This further killed me inside. My point on this one is put ALL OF THAT STUFF IN A BOX, seal it, and don't go looking at it again because you miss her. It will only delay your healing process. I still have those few thousand pictures in a box in the hall, and after all these years, I've neither looked at them, nor have I thrown them out. One of the worst things I did was to peak at the albums while I was going through her divorce. To this day I don't know what to do with all of those personal things. I mean, although I still despise her and haven't talked to her since, those wonderful things were still part of my past. It's just the ending that sucked really bad.

 

4. Don't head up her divorce project. What I mean by that is this - the divorce is something she wants - not you. So that responsibility lies with her. Make her do all the work. AND DON'T YOU DARE HELP HER MOVE. That's what her family and friends are for. I really couldn't stand to see my wife having a tough time, even though she had cheated and left me for some married man. But looking back, I'm so glad I wasn't this spineless wimp who actually helped her leave me. Trust me. You'll kick yourself later for that one. Just don't do any of her work.

 

5. Are you a religious man? If so, pray. God will help you through this. He is the only thing that got me through mine. He's also the only thing that kept me from putting that home-wrecking cockroach coward into a wheel chair, who was sneaking around getting it on with my wife.

 

6. Get the best divorce attorney in town (make sure this isn't a friend either). I know it will go against your grain, as it did me, to fight your wife but you've got to get tough asap. Time is money. You can't get back the time you wasted on your wife, and you can't get back the money she robs you of when she's gone. Take all you can get.

 

7. Be careful with trying to figure out where the blame goes. I don't know your whole story, but at first glance, it doesn't sound like you broke your vows. She did. So don't blame yourself. Just know there are thousands of guys out there who went through and are going through exactly the same thing. You are not alone. You most likely deserved better than that.

 

8. Know this, and believe me when I tell you this - she will get what's coming to her. Don't wish or do anything bad to her. It will happen on it's own. When people do such evil heartless things like that to a marriage partner, it will come back on them. And don't be thinking that you will take her back when/if she falls. You are better off without her.

 

9. Number 9 brings me to my last and final point...although I could go on for hours, I've got to get up early in the morning-- enroll in a good Divorce Care class and allow yourself time to heal. It will take you at least 1 or 2 years to "get over" her, considering the amount of time you were together. I remember when I first heard that time frame I almost laughed. But yeah, it took quite a while. Don't try to move on to the next girl right away because that effort will certainly fail. You have to move through a healing process and it will take time. Get used to being by yourself again. You came into this world alone, and you are going to leave this world alone. Choose to be happy no matter what happens. Make the best of it man. Things can only get better after this storm passes. I'm probably happiest now than I've ever been. You'll get there too.

 

I know I said I wasn't going to go on forever but let me mention this as well-- you can't get someone to improve himself when he's up so I'm going to catch you when you're down--During this downtime, get this book called "5 Love Languages for your mate, by Gary Chapman" and learn to try to be the best man you can be in the future. I'm here for you.

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carhill

carhill

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Outstanding first post... welcome! :)

 

My first impression of the OP is that of a sensitive, caring man. Preserve that at all costs. It will comfort you in times of need and age.

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trust

trust

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Just read the post that "whichwayisup" suggested. Ditto. I forgot about the being alone stuff. Yeah, being alone (at first) was pretty bad. Idle time brought out the devil...my mind would wander and start thinking about how bad I was hurting, and there was no worse feeling than that....definitely get REALLY involved with some project (and a social one). But just remind yourself that once you "fake it until you make it" that you did put yourself in a rut with occupying your time. Get back in balance later on. Working out and getting ripped is a total must. I've never had a problem getting girls so self esteem issues never surfaced even though she was the one who left me... but we are all different. I just kinda disagree with the "get with a girl right away" part........I don't know you so that's a tough call...it would not have been good for me to get with a girl that soon...even if it were just physical. Would you believe that for some time after the divorce, I felt like I was cheating on my wife when I started back going out with girls? Weird, I know. But after a while, and hooking up with her friends (long after the divorce of course), I found that I could enjoy being physical again and love every second of it.

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dead-dyke

dead-dyke

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akhom:

 

3. A previous poster mentioned that he was watching his old wedding video.

 

 

Making sure we're on the same page. Not that it's that important, but should have clarified, I came to my senses and "didn't" watch the vid. There, all better.

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  • 2 weeks later...
A_good_girl

A_good_girl

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You cant even imagine how well i understand what you went through. My husband of 3 years did the same exact thing to me. There was another girl, it was very painfull and unexpected. I think it was even more painful because it was unexpected. I trusted him with my eyes closed. O would have never thought that he could do something like that, but he did. I cried and tried to get him understand the mistake he was making....so he stayed with me. Am i better off now that he is still with me? I dont know. The trust is gone. Every time he is running late from work or i see some charge on his credit card i question it, but i never used to do that before. I dont think this is how a relationship is supposed to be. I think we will end up getting a divorce. Just move on, and know that it is not something that you did wrong. My husband always tells me that what happened was partly my fault too, and i used to believe it. I dont any more. He did what he did because he doesnt respect me enough, and because he doesnt love me enough, not because i did something wrong

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