Pregnant and very scared. Should I tell husband yet?

[angie2443]

I just found out I'm pregnant today. This will be our fourth child. We now have 3 under 5 years old. My husband is adement on not having another child. I was also and we were using protection so I didn't think this would happen.

 

My husband has said that if I did get pregnant again, he would want an abortion. I would take this option if there were something very wrong with the child, but could not abort if the child were healthy. I do not even think I could if the child had downs unless they had some severe defects.

 

Honestly, part of me would be relieved if I miscarried. I know this would be very painful for me and I am not taking the thought of this lightly. I just do not see how we would mannage with 4 children.

 

I am scared to tell my husband because I know there is going to be a strong, negative emotional reaction from him. He loves his children tremendiously. They have also been a tremendous stress on our marriage and things were just starting to calm down. The stress has been hard and I know it will be hard for him to deal with. He had a hard time with the kids when they were babies.

 

Should I tell my husband now, or wait untill I know the pregnancy will take? I want to be honest with him, but if I could avoid the negative reaction from, maybe I should.

[Trialbyfire]

angie, marriage is shared responsibility, including and especially the emotional aspect. You didn't do this to him and if he's any kind of man, he will be there for you. ((hugs))

[whichwayisup]

Tell him now. This is something you both need to talk about, weigh the positives and the negatives together. This isn't your fault, or his, it just happened and because of that, he does deserve to know. He's your husband, not your enemy.

[angie2443]

Thanks everyone for replying.

 

I realize that it is important to be completely honest in a marriage which I was struggling so much with this issue.

 

My husband and I have been through some rocky times and our marriage is finally beginning to feel steady. I'm just scared that this pregnancy will add so much stress that our marriage will be in trouble again. I'm not sure how to approach this issue with my husband in a possitive mannor when I know that he is going to be extremely upset.

 

Everyone is right, though. He has the right to know and so I'll tell him tonight.

[whichwayisup]

Atleast the two of you can sit and talk about all your options. Whatever happens, support and love eachother..

 

Maybe he'll surprise you and be OK with it. Somehow you two will make it work!

[tinktronik]

Good luck, Angie. Keep us posted.

[NoIDidn't]

My situation almost mirrors yours with the exception of the oldest child. My H asked me to seriously consider abortion. And I did, because, like you, I was scared to expand the family that was already stressing us out (at times).

 

My H is not an unreasonable man. So, I don't think ill of your H either for thinking about abortion. But, in the end, its up to you.

 

I got all the information, having never had one before, and decided I couldn't do it. I wanted the baby even though the fears were so overwhelming I needed anti-anxiety meds (but couldn't take them).

 

Our bundle of joy is almost three months old right now. And, my H couldn't be happier or more proud. My H never blamed me for the pregnancy - not that he could have, it takes two. Things never got tense between us concerning the pregnancy. In fact, this pregnancy he was at his absolute best.

 

I can't say that this is what will happen in your situation. But I do think you should tell him immediately. I had the same concerns but in the end decided to wake him out of his sleep four hours after testing to tell him what I knew. He wasn't happy about it for a long time, but he never turned that on me. It was the situation, not me, not us. We already felt we had enough kids and were already scheduled to be sterilized. So, it was definitely a tricky situation.

[Mr. Lucky]

Most men know that if you enjoy being there for the conception, there's a chance you might have to be there for the delivery. If, as you say, he loves your other 3 children so much, he'll come around. Although I'm sure you're dreading the disclosure and his initial reaction, best to just get it out of the way...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Trialbyfire]

ange, how did the discussion go last night? Plse update.

[angie2443]

My situation almost mirrors yours with the exception of the oldest child. My H asked me to seriously consider abortion. And I did, because, like you, I was scared to expand the family that was already stressing us out (at times).

 

My H is not an unreasonable man. So, I don't think ill of your H either for thinking about abortion. But, in the end, its up to you.

 

I got all the information, having never had one before, and decided I couldn't do it. I wanted the baby even though the fears were so overwhelming I needed anti-anxiety meds (but couldn't take them).

 

Our bundle of joy is almost three months old right now. And, my H couldn't be happier or more proud. My H never blamed me for the pregnancy - not that he could have, it takes two. Things never got tense between us concerning the pregnancy. In fact, this pregnancy he was at his absolute best.

 

I can't say that this is what will happen in your situation. But I do think you should tell him immediately. I had the same concerns but in the end decided to wake him out of his sleep four hours after testing to tell him what I knew. He wasn't happy about it for a long time, but he never turned that on me. It was the situation, not me, not us. We already felt we had enough kids and were already scheduled to be sterilized. So, it was definitely a tricky situation.

 

Thanks. Your post made feel better. It made laugh to. My husband was also preparing to get a vasectomy.

[angie2443]

Last night I told my husband we needed to talk. We sat down and I tried for about 5 minutes to tell him. Then I lost my nerve. I was going to tell him today after our father days dinner, but he drank a few beers and I felt that I should wait untill he was completely sober to tell him. So, I'm telling him tommorow after he comes home from work.

 

On a positive note, I'm feeling much calmer about the situation. I've looked at sites that have helpful information on how to run a large family (4 kids probably isn't large to most people, but it is to me) and I know it can be done. I think my husband will come around and once he's had time to come to terms with the pregnancy. He does like kids, he just gets stressed out easily.

[angie2443]

He was shaking and almost in tears. I think he was panicking a bit. He talked about abortion and all the horrible things that would happen if we had the baby.

 

I told him to go in the room and calm down and watch tv. After about an hour he came out and said "I think we can do this". He is much calmer now, although we'll both be stressed out for awhile. At least this doesn't seem like it's going to tear us apart anymore.

[OWoman]

Angie, I'm not getting why YOU have to worry about HIS anger - why is HE not terrified of YOURS? You didn't want another child either - and HE made you pregnant! Why are you not raging at him for impregnating you, for making you pregnant against your will, for putting your marriage under strain just when it was coming right again? Why are YOU taking the responsibility fore this? He is AT LEAST as responsible as you - more, I'd venture, since there are additional precautions he could have taken if he'd been REALLY set on avoiding another pregnancy. With three kids under five, he knew how fertile you both were.

 

I think his anger and upsetness is ocmpletely misplaced and I'd worry that this unwillingness to shoulder his own share of the responsiblity is a symptom of other problems that need to be addressed if you're not to be walking on eggshells during the rest of your M.

 

I'd agree with bent - get some counselling before this child arrives. It's unfair that there's only one adult in your M - especially with another baby on the way.

 

(((((hugs)))))

[OWoman]

Have you thank him for being so strong and couragous for having and keeping the child? If not, do it and if yes, remind him again.

 

 

On the contrary, I'd tell him to man up and not make babies he wasn't prepared to take full, equal parental responsibility for.

 

This is (supposed to be) an adult, a father of four. Not a toddler who has to be molly-coddled when things don't go his way. If I had a H who was unwilling to step up and be a proper adult in the R I'd rather single parent. It's tough, but no tougher than single parenting a family which includes an adult sponger.

[Trialbyfire]

On the contrary, I'd tell him to man up and not make babies he wasn't prepared to take full, equal parental responsibility for.

 

This is (supposed to be) an adult, a father of four. Not a toddler who has to be molly-coddled when things don't go his way. If I had a H who was unwilling to step up and be a proper adult in the R I'd rather single parent. It's tough, but no tougher than single parenting a family which includes an adult sponger.

I couldn't agree with you more! Angie doesn't need another child, she needs a coparent.

 

Way to go angie, for telling him. He did manage to get ahold of his own concerns and settle down. It might take him a little while for the emotions and thoughts to settle down in his mind.

 

I also agree that bnb's suggestion of counseling is an excellent one. You don't need any hidden resentments boiling up later on.

[Trialbyfire]

As an aside angie, I hope the two of you are discussing the possibility of a vasectomy. Some can be reversed if that's his concern.

[Trialbyfire]

Generally, I would agree. But, you have to consider that's not the case here. Angie's H has the power over Angie and it cannot be switched overnight.

 

A baby's life is at stake here. Any wrong move or wrong moment, Angie could be heading to the abortion clinic.

Hold it right there. Let's not turn this into a pro-life/pro-choice discussion. This is about Ange, her H and their mutual responsibilities to their relationship.

[Trialbyfire]

Don't we all wish it's all just that simple?

 

When there is an affair, you don't say, "this is about love," do you? Wouldn't you also consider these so called "side effects" including the betrayed spouse, the children, etc.?

The decision to have or have not has already been made by the two parties involved. Bludgeoning it won't change it since they've already decided to have the child and that falls within your agenda.

[Trialbyfire]

Once again, this is a very simplistic response to a complex situation.

 

You're ignoring the the circumstances and events that occured before this decision was "made." It's still a very early stage of the pregnancy, minds can changed, decision can be re-decided, and promises can be broken.

Okay, you keep agenda-based bludgeoning her. I'm sure this will make a BIG difference to her H...

 

Myself, I plan to support her, whatever their mutual decision.

[angie2443]

Have you two thought about counseling to help you cope with the added stress? I think it maybe a good idea before the baby comes. I am glad to hear, that he has taken the news better than you had feared. God bless you and your family.

 

Thanks for the sugestion. We've done MC and it did help up to a point, but after that it became a torture chamber where we were trying to make each other understand our point of view and it just wasn't happening. Trying to gain a deep understanding of ourselves and each other was doing nothing to improve our marriage. I do think that some type of relationship coaching, where we were taught methods of how to deal with conflicts and resolve arguments would help. I just don't know how to look for that.

 

Anyways, the good news is that today he is doing even better and was in a good mood. He's been going over plans of how to set up the rooms to accomodate 4 kids and seams optomistic of how this is going to effect us. This is quite a change from when I first told him the news.

[angie2443]

As an aside angie, I hope the two of you are discussing the possibility of a vasectomy. Some can be reversed if that's his concern.

 

He was planning for one ever since our third was born but didn't get around to it in time.

[angie2443]

Why are YOU taking the responsibility fore this? He is AT LEAST as responsible as you - more, I'd venture, since there are additional precautions he could have taken if he'd been REALLY set on avoiding another pregnancy. With three kids under five, he knew how fertile you both were.

 

We've had a history of both him and I viewing any problem or stressful situation in our relationship as my fault. I've done a lot of work to change this and he has also, although I think he is a little bit resistant to this change because it benifits him to not have to take responsibility for any of the problems. In his defense, he has come a very long way from where he was when we first got together. We were both very young and immature. I just grew up faster when I first became pregnant. He's taking a little longer.

[angie2443]

A baby's life is at stake here. Any wrong move or wrong moment, Angie could be heading to the abortion clinic.

 

I won't be heading to an abortion clinic:). I kind of knew that from the beggining.

[OWoman]

He was planning for one ever since our third was born but didn't get around to it in time.

 

 

Then it's much more HIS fault than yours! If it was that big a deal for him, he'd have done it. So now you have to suffer for his wussy tardiness too? I don't think that's very fair!

 

Good luck Angie - I hope you do find some relationship coaching. You're going to need this guy to be pulling his weight with four kids, not sitting sulking and manipulating you into taking the blame for everything. (((((hugs)))))

[Prodigal Princess]

Okay, you keep agenda-based bludgeoning her. I'm sure this will make a BIG difference to her H...

 

Myself, I plan to support her, whatever their mutual decision.

 

Hear hear!