A Question of Control and Letting Go

[Heartbroken1981]

This is my first post on here, I've been reading others for a while and now I think I could do with some honest opinions.

 

Two years eight months ago I met a guy who amazed me in so many ways. We ended up living together after six months of seeing each other and, to me at least, everything was blissful and we were happy. That's not to say we didn't have arguments and fights like normal people, I acknowledge that things weren't always great. About a year ago we began to plan our move to another country in Europe (for his new job). My new passport had been held up and we were under the impression then that I wouldn't be able to go with him immediately. Our flat was also being redone (bathroom and kitchen gutted) so we moved to his parents. We then moved me into a shared accomodation while he waited the last month out before he went abroad, the plan being I would stay where I am and follow once my new passport arrived.

 

Well, after a week of living apart his behaviour was strange and it transpired he had some girl, who he's known for three years via university, staying at his parents place with him! This was extremely shocking. Needless to say we were over. It turned out she was also going to the same European country for work. During the last month he was here he came to see me, called me, slept with me etc, even while this girl was staying at the house! He denied that he had slept with here ("she doesn't have a body like yours" he said) and that he couldn't bring himself to do it. Not sure if I believe that!

 

I entered into counselling because I felt like I was having a complete breakdown due to this - the life we planned was destroyed in one fatal swoop I never saw coming.

 

He is now abroad and I decided to follow a 60 day of no contact plan I read about starting last Sunday. I last five day before I sent him a friendly email. I felt sorry for just ignoring him and told him that I was here if he needed a friend. I then recieved a mighty long text message about how he missed home, how he can't help who he loves etc. He then called me the next day too. I am seriously confused and don't know if I should believe him. When I sent him that email I didn't want this kind of response, I was trying to be nice and let him know that as he's in a faraway country and under pressure he could talk to me. His message sent me over the edge to say and I enquired about the girl he's been seeing and if she was now living with him. I was told No, And No More Questions! He has said that he's out of the country for a few days but I just don't believe him. I honestly think she is living there and that he's stringing me along. I have given my phone to someone for safe keeping so that I am not tempted to call him (the phone is the enemy, email I can control!). He has said that he'll be back here in a few days and would like to see me. In my heart I don't think it will change - I can travel to where he is now because my passport is resolved and has been for about three weeks. He hasn't invited me out there either.

 

I know in my heart that I should move on but I can't stop myself from having hope that he will want me back. He destroyed all the trust I had in him and I feel so pathetic for wanting to try again. I have always believed that infidelity, if happened once, doesn't have to be the end of the relationship and I am trying to stop thinking like that to no avail. I miss him so much and I know that he's made a horrible mistake (I think he knows this too) and I would forgive him. I can't force the issue with him anymore and I'm struggling to move on. I know that I have played into his hands and he's thriving on the control he has and I've let him do it.

 

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

 

Thanks.

[whichwayisup]

Get back into NC mode with him. You emailing him and hoping for a certain response/reaction was and IS out of your control. Only control you have is how you handle this and how you react.

 

Sounds like he wants you both in his life - Cake eater.

 

I am sorry that you're in pain, but maybe you need to think why you want to save the relationship. Is he worth it? Has he been honest with you? Sounds like he is still hiding certain truths from you and fact is, there IS another woman in his life and who knows if they are serious or just casual. You deserve better and more! This guy doesn't seem capable of giving you that.