ConfusedCuddleBug Posted June 14, 2008 Share Posted June 14, 2008 As I am new to this forum, but also have been reading the many subjects and opinions and hoping to find some advice or another through it. Unfortunately, I am still in a confused state of mind and now asking for some advice from the predicament of my situation..... Long story short... I think. Married for the 2nd time with 2 teen children from a previous marriage. Currently in a 10 yr marriage. Great guy. Husband is approx 15 yrs older than me. Knew what I was getting into from the beginning, as he is a wonderful person and have always treated me and the kids great and also as his own, since their own father doesn't seem to be very much involved in their life to begin with. Well, haven't had intimacy with husband for about 10 yrs. Not on our wedding night nor our honeymoon. Yes, husband has problems with that and I have been patient and understanding from it all. I know he feels bad at times but I think of it as part of life when you "love" someone. Although I didn't realize how extreme the situation would be after our marriage, thinking it was just a temporary thing. Plus, he has health issues of diabetes and high blood pressure. He got me involved with the "entertainment" side of business of making great money. High stress volume and I couldn't do it anymore. Yes, I was the bread winner for the family for almost 4 yrs and he would work on and off here and there, of course, although at one point he did "hint" he wouldn't have minded being the "home dad" either. Who wouldn't, I guess. But, after awhile, you have to move on and make do of the situation. I would lose all sense of mental sanity and couldn't keep up anymore emotionally of being in the entertainment business. So, now he has been having to work more and I have been home with the kids. I had warned him, although he isn't happy about it. Since there wasn't any intimacy in our marriage for 10 yrs. I have met someone and been seeing him for 2 yrs now. We have TONS of common interest and I have fallen IN love with this other man. This "other man" knows of husband. This "other man" is going through a divorce already. We do want to make it work and be together. He is accepting of my kids as I am of his. But..... how do I override the feeling of not wanting to hurt the husband and look upon for once in my life my own happiness and trying to not justify it all ? Want to ask for the divorce but don't know how to go about "asking" or hurting husband. Confused, confused of trying to do the right thing of husband, the kids and the "other man". Please don't judge or criticize as I know I am not perfect by all means and can't say of course what I have been doing is right either, but would like opinions of how to go about this...... Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted June 14, 2008 Share Posted June 14, 2008 Less cuddling of the OM and more honesty with the husband. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
FloraPost Posted June 14, 2008 Share Posted June 14, 2008 Hi! My personal opinion is that if you were healthy enough personally, you would know exactly what you wanted to do... I'd suggest focusing on personal mental, emotional, and spiritual health. I suspect that if you are able to get healthier, things will come clearer. With everything going on, how can you expect to think clearly about what you really want long-term for yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedCuddleBug Posted June 15, 2008 Author Share Posted June 15, 2008 Thank you for responding. I know I didn't specifically indicate more indepth of my "to make my long story short"...... my husband does know about the OM. So, long as I was "entertaining" as a JOB, didn't matter to the husband. But the OM was consistent of keeping in touch which led to growing closer to the OM. Now, unbeknownest to my husband, my feelings are different, as I have grown a tad more mature and now just wanting a "normal" life. My husband, it was all about money. I was the bread winner for awhile, because I was trying to keep up a lifestyle of which my husband preferred, admitting yes, it was all new to me too. Knowing in my heart, it doesn't buy content, especially not happiness. So, over time, I kept my emotions within and took it on a daily basis. The OM knows about the husband and indicates I am a better person and need to move on to my own happiness. The problem is, I want the divorce, but I am worried husband will not be able to take care of himself, feeling at his age he will be lonely. Doing it again of trying to justify my emotions. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 15, 2008 Share Posted June 15, 2008 You can't stay married just to please your husband. If you don't love him anymore, then you have to tell him truth and allow him to react any way he pleases. Sadly, you can't control that.. He is a grown man and yeah, it'll be extremely difficult for him to be alone and have to look after himself, but I'm sure he has friends, relatives, other family that could help him. You should consider seeking some counselling to help you make this choice. You want to leave your H for another man, not because you need to leave the marriage. Before the OM was around, you could have divorced, but didn't. Leave because you don't want to be married anymore, leave because you don't mind being alone, leave because you feel your husband deserves a woman who will love him and only him - Not because of the OM is waiting in the wings for you. Is there ANY way that you can end it with the OM and give your H another chance? Do marriage counselling and really communicate how you feel about everything that's been going on in your marriage? Not only the sex stuff, but all the basics, needs not being met etc.. Would be a shame if one day you look back and wish that you'd given your marriage a real chance of working with the help of marriage counselling. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 15, 2008 Share Posted June 15, 2008 So from the very start you never had sex with your H.. been married 10 years and you said you haven't had sex in 10 years... so did you have sex BEFORE you married? This is strange .. cause I don't think I could marry someone who wasn't sexual.. Anyway.. now you're stuck .. you're in love with this other guy.. I don't think there is any way you can let your husband know without hurting him.. You have to choose.. it's YOU or HIM? I would choose myself anytime.. life is too short.. are you going to sacrifice your whole life for him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedCuddleBug Posted June 15, 2008 Author Share Posted June 15, 2008 Thanks a bunches for responding and the great insight. Truly. I will definitely think of what you indicated. I had spoiled my husband for years. Spoiled as in cook, cleaned, massages, presents and just because's and he reciprocated too. He doesn't have extended family. Foster child. Only 3 kids in their 30's and grandkids. I had asked him to "listen" to my feelings and asked to go to counseling and he said there wasn't a problem. Plus, he said he was "ambarrassed" of asking his doctor on our intimacy too, so that situation was never resolved either. His doctor called and blamed me for "not taking care of his health". Apparently, he had told the doctor I was cooking him food of which I shouldn't be. Little did she know I had always encouraged him to eat healthy and watch his diabetes. What is that saying "damned if you do and damned if your don't". He is approx 300 lbs and of course not in good health condition. I am 105 lbs and work out everyday. So, we argue alot .... mostly about money. I used to bring home 15k a month and he wanted more. Before that, I used to bring home 1k a month and he said to quit my job and that there was something better. For him, it wasn't about being happy with your job, it was all about making money. Plus, he has a gambling issue of which, of course, he doesn't admit either. Yes, I admit, I am a punching bag and a sucker in many ways and all just so I can satisfy him. I did call several counselors, left voice messages and no response. I know in my mind, I can be "alone" and live independently and have thought of it before the OM came along. It just seemed to have taken the "eye-opening" of the OM how life should be. Overall, I am just emotionally a mess. Link to post Share on other sites
searching88 Posted June 15, 2008 Share Posted June 15, 2008 As I am new to this forum, but also have been reading the many subjects and opinions and hoping to find some advice or another through it. Unfortunately, I am still in a confused state of mind and now asking for some advice from the predicament of my situation..... Long story short... I think. Married for the 2nd time with 2 teen children from a previous marriage. Currently in a 10 yr marriage. Great guy. Husband is approx 15 yrs older than me. Knew what I was getting into from the beginning, as he is a wonderful person and have always treated me and the kids great and also as his own, since their own father doesn't seem to be very much involved in their life to begin with. Well, haven't had intimacy with husband for about 10 yrs. Not on our wedding night nor our honeymoon. Yes, husband has problems with that and I have been patient and understanding from it all. I know he feels bad at times but I think of it as part of life when you "love" someone. Although I didn't realize how extreme the situation would be after our marriage, thinking it was just a temporary thing. Plus, he has health issues of diabetes and high blood pressure. He got me involved with the "entertainment" side of business of making great money. High stress volume and I couldn't do it anymore. Yes, I was the bread winner for the family for almost 4 yrs and he would work on and off here and there, of course, although at one point he did "hint" he wouldn't have minded being the "home dad" either. Who wouldn't, I guess. But, after awhile, you have to move on and make do of the situation. I would lose all sense of mental sanity and couldn't keep up anymore emotionally of being in the entertainment business. So, now he has been having to work more and I have been home with the kids. I had warned him, although he isn't happy about it. Since there wasn't any intimacy in our marriage for 10 yrs. I have met someone and been seeing him for 2 yrs now. We have TONS of common interest and I have fallen IN love with this other man. This "other man" knows of husband. This "other man" is going through a divorce already. We do want to make it work and be together. He is accepting of my kids as I am of his. But..... how do I override the feeling of not wanting to hurt the husband and look upon for once in my life my own happiness and trying to not justify it all ? Want to ask for the divorce but don't know how to go about "asking" or hurting husband. Confused, confused of trying to do the right thing of husband, the kids and the "other man". Please don't judge or criticize as I know I am not perfect by all means and can't say of course what I have been doing is right either, but would like opinions of how to go about this...... Hi, i see you have alot of responses and have maybe already made your decision. intimacy is part of married life, it is part of being a human being. so yes i can understand your infedlity based on these facts and no i am not judging just stating the way i see it. i don't think you are an unhealthy person because you have alot going on and are having a hard time putting yourself and your emotional happiness first and leaving this man, your husband due to the facts you described. i will say though think of your children and the impact it will have on them. i agree leave the marriage, it is human of you to worry of him and how he will get on and live yet you need to have a normal marriage which yes includes intimacy. yet don't make the mistake of leaving the marriage and flying head first into the new relationship with your kids. they will pay the price for it. i wish you luck in your decision making not an easy one yet life is too short not to be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
FloraPost Posted June 15, 2008 Share Posted June 15, 2008 OK. I think I'm really dense... You keep referring to "entertaining." My little deviant mind is going all sorts of places with that. You say: "So, long as I was "entertaining" as a JOB, didn't matter to the husband." You feel free not to answer this, of course, but what the heck are you referring to? I'm starting to wonder if that doesn't play a part in your being "emotionally a mess." Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedCuddleBug Posted June 15, 2008 Author Share Posted June 15, 2008 Hi Lizzie, We had intimacy only once before we were married. We had dated 2 yrs before we were married. But, he had this lifestyle of open-mindedness and I was at the time...naive, too innocent and just didn't understand much or even asked the why's or what was considered normal. He played on the internet conversing with other women and I didn't think much of it, since I felt .. he married ME. He said the internet was all just play fun and nothing was real. I trusted him, but then, after awhile, I didn't and the internet stopped. I felt there was more to marriage than sex when I was dating him and before we were married. Just didn't realize over the years, my emotional state of mind would take such a big part of feeling.. not attractive, alone, unsatisfying to another or non-pleasing. I thought at the time, since he was very good to me and my kids when they were little, I would be good to him for all he has done. I was happy with our marriage at some point in the beginning of our marriage, but after getting in the entertainment business, my emotions were going downhill. As for the OM, when I had first met him and he wanted to pursue, I told him to just leave it be and move on with his life and that HE needed to enjoy what was out there before getting attached with another again since he was just divorcing and the fact that I was married and I have issues to resolve. Since then, the OM stuck by my side. Is there during my down days, my emotional days and my happy days. Link to post Share on other sites
MarriedLes Posted June 15, 2008 Share Posted June 15, 2008 I would choose myself anytime.. life is too short.. are you going to sacrifice your whole life for him? Amen to that! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedCuddleBug Posted June 15, 2008 Author Share Posted June 15, 2008 Hi FloraPost, Read your post on other subjects and you are too sweet. In response.... yes, the entertainment played a part in my "emotional mess" too. I was involved in a world of fast cars, jets, traveling, shopping, etc. I wanted to invest for the kids College, although he felt the kids didn't need to go to College. anyhow he .."we".. (can't always blame him) spent it much quicker. My husband wouldn't fly unless he flew first-class, he wouldn't stay in hotels unless it was more than 2000 sq Suites. Told him those days were over, as I was "feeding" it. I had asked my husband to listen when I needed him too, but he didn't seem to REALLY listen. I don't know. Deep down, I just wanted to be loved for ME. For who I AM and not for what I can bring home. He says he does love me and has never loved anyone more than he has loved me. Now, its been a year and I am not working anymore and he has been negative of all the hours he has to put in and no $$$$ out of it. Trying to really gutsy up to letting him know this weekend I want a divorce. But, he is being too nice as of late. Crap. Link to post Share on other sites
porter218 Posted June 16, 2008 Share Posted June 16, 2008 I think if you told us what type of "entertainment" you are into, it would shed a lot of light onto this situation so we can better understand what is happening here. You seem to carefully be skirting around your field of work. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 16, 2008 Share Posted June 16, 2008 Entertainment of men would be my guess, and I attach no prejudice to that. Link to post Share on other sites
porter218 Posted June 16, 2008 Share Posted June 16, 2008 I am sure of that carhill, just wondering what type. Stripper in a club? Escort? Porn star? Also no judgment with me. I just think this will help us understand this M. A lot of women in these professions get used very badly by men for financial gain. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 16, 2008 Share Posted June 16, 2008 Gauging the writing style and shared backstory, I'd normally opine independent contractor, aka "call girl". But, generally, such women can be very selective and organize their clients to reduce stresses, which would seem contradictory to the OP's assertions about her own situation. I guess we'll have to wait for some sort of confirmation. I agree it would help to understand the psychology of the situation better, though I don't know how germain it will be to the outcome potentials. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted June 16, 2008 Share Posted June 16, 2008 You are clearly being USED... that is the only way I see it. He can't make money and he doesn't care a whit about you - to get you into that kind of career Get out now and move on with your life - do what is best for your children. What morals do you want to instill in your children ? Change your lifestyle and stop wasting your money on the fast life - stop spoiling yourself and spoil your children, not with money and things but with your love and attention. And life isn't all about making money - once you made the decision to have children - it's about loving your children and raising them up right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedCuddleBug Posted June 16, 2008 Author Share Posted June 16, 2008 Companionship. Husband introduced me to that type of world. I kept away from the drugs, drinking, smoking or anything I knew that would "handicap" me. I truly try to keep my perspective of life throughout it all. Its a realm of world where alot have prejudged and still do to this day. It does take all walks of life, as they say. Link to post Share on other sites
porter218 Posted June 16, 2008 Share Posted June 16, 2008 Well he clearly was taking advantage of you. I don't judge this field at all, my close friend runs one of these businesses. I have had a lot of chance to see what happens in their personal life. It is always the same story as yours. They feel a little guilty about what they do so they pamper their husbands or bf and in return get nothing. The only men who are OK with their SO doing this are absolute leaches, they suck they life out of their women. Let this man go, and be careful with the OM as well. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedCuddleBug Posted June 16, 2008 Author Share Posted June 16, 2008 To me, it wasn't about $$$$, it was trying to keep him happy. Sick world. I was dying inside for myself as a person over time to where I didn't care but to make everyone around me happy. I know I can move on and be independent, but still worried about how will he function of being alone and his health issues. He said to me his life has always revolved around me and the kids and he wouldn't know what to do without us. He was there when I had nothing. There when I had everything for us, but inside, I was completely empty as a person... I felt just robotically functional. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedCuddleBug Posted June 16, 2008 Author Share Posted June 16, 2008 Thank you everyone for your opinions and positive feedback. I really appreciated it. You all are wonderful. Link to post Share on other sites
porter218 Posted June 16, 2008 Share Posted June 16, 2008 He is a grown man. In fact technically old enough to be your father. You don't owe him anything. You have sacrificed your happiness for long enough. If you are really that worried about him then cut him off of you slowly. You don't have to stop being his friend if you divorce him. In reality you were never more than a good friend and roommate anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedCuddleBug Posted June 16, 2008 Author Share Posted June 16, 2008 Hi SingleDad, Thank you for the feedback, as it is always good to know. My children, despite the fact of my situation, I completely revolved my schedule around them. I was 100% and more so when and wherever they needed me. That was one thing about it, they ARE my world. I went to their school functions (of course, a proud parent of both honor students), attended many award ceremonies, helped them with their homeworks and projects, involved with their extra-curricular activities in school and out of school, academic clubs, music lessons, birthday parties, field trips, volunteered to every chaperone events and even homemade cooked meals. I promised to myself even to this day, my children ARE first. Regardless of any situation, I will always be there for them...as a (best) friend and confidante, but most of all a TLC mom with all the first-aid bandages. My work and my children were two very different entities of my life. Link to post Share on other sites
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