Wedding is off......really confused

[Eryn]

Just broke up with boyfriend of 3 years. We were going to be married in Oct. 2003. Reason for breakup? Here's some background:

 

Started dating in Spring 2000. Moved in with me Fall of 2000. I never lived with romantic partner before. Never been engaged before. Everything seemed great until he lost his job that Fall. Began to drink at night, but no behavior problems, abuse, etc. Just drank.

 

He worked temp jobs and made decent $ through Summer 2001. Recession hit, no work, depressed and drinking again. Made SERIOUS suicide attempt Sept. 2001(Tylenol overdose). In coma for a week, but against all odds, beat it and only remaining medical problem is NO alcohol due to pancreatitis (not chronic, but aggravated by alcohol).

 

Asked me to marry him Feb. 2002. I thought it would be a starting over, and I love him SO much. He always made me feel special, respected, and loved. No doubt that he loves me. Said yes, set daet for Oct. 2002. But.....

 

In March 2002, he got a DUI and drug possession charge after we had a huge argument. Postponed wedding, & I took him back, afraid he'd hit the road to destruction again, and figured that this would wake him up. Since the arrest, he has taken a drink about every 3 months. How do I know it wasn't more? I controlled the $. He was not using drugs at any point in the relationship (even when arrested for possession, tests came back negative- he probably WOULD have used it if he hadn't been caught). All visits to probation officer had negative drug tests. The episodes of drinking were not days on end- just one big drinking episode on one day, every 3 months. But remember- he has a LIFE THREATENING condition that mandates NO drinking. Also, he got a decent job in March 2002.

 

He did AA for about 9 months- quit when he didn't think it helped. Like I said, he'd be great for 3 months, then get depressed and drink. Once he drank mouthwash. Another time he left the stove on and almost burned stuff. Another time he seriously cut his arm and refused to get stitches. After these crazy drinking episodes, we occasionally had to call in to work because the experience was so draining. I did the whole "if you do it again, I am gone", but I took him back every time. Despite it all, he is a brilliantly intelligent, nurturing, fun, charming individual. We have the same goals, values, etc. It seemed like a lot to give up, since I believed he could get better. He is no dummy, and he is resilient. But....

 

On June 25th, I came home from work to find an small, empty vodka bottle on the table. He told me he had poured it out. We argued over why he even bought it in the first place. Things escalated, and he drove off to return some library books. He returned an hour later. I had given him $20 to get dinner at McD's, and my change was $13. All hell broke loose because I knew he was lying , and he was drunk. He tried to drive away, and I took his keys and hid them. He started to yell at me so loudly that I thought our neighbors would call the police and told him so. He said "I'll do it myself" and called 911 and hung up quickly. WEll, it went through & 3 cops show up and I have to explain that my drunk boyfriend was acting like a jerk. They left, I went to bed, but it doesn't end there.....

 

I see him go to the sink to take his anti-depressant. Then I hear the door close. I think he is just smoking a cigarette. Turns out he took 14 anti-depressants, and took off to his parents house. They called to let me know he was there. I told them about the pills, and he threw them up. He also ran off the road and scraped up the car we bought 3 dasy earlier. No police involvement, lucky him. We decide to call the wedding off because he needs help. Obviously.

 

He spent 3 weeks drinking after that. One trip to the ER when he felt sick, but they said he was OK...lucky, but OK. He kept drinking. Lost his job. Finally this week our friends told him to check himself in somewhere or they would find a way to committ him. Well, he got to stay 3 days, but because he has no insurance and his parents are poor, he is out. The crazy thing is- I love him so much and want him to be better SO badly, that I can not let go. I obsess about him getting better and us reconciling. I know this seems INSANE, but MOST of the time, everything was so wonderful. We really loved each other, had great plans for the future, and were extremely committed. I can't stop thinking about the possibility of getting back together. I know it couldn't be anytime soon, and that he would HAVE to become sober, trustworthy and responsible.......things that take A LOT of time. I promised myself that I would not wait around for him, but I feel so lost. I have great friends and family, but they are hurt that I kept all this a secret from them. I feel liek moving away because we have the same friends, but I have a good job and financial security. I am 31....feels like time is running out. I want a family. I am a successful professional, but this has made me an emotional wreck. Constant crying. Obsessing over reconciliation and his health (is he drinking? Is he sad?). Maybe this is just a way to vent, but any thoughts would be welcome. Love makes us blind and crazy, but it was real love, and I am in excruciating pain. I barely make it from one day to teh next, and even though I don't talk to him, we e-mail a bit. He isn't actively trying to reunite, but he asked me to not rule out all possibility, because he wants to get better. That makes it hard. Again, thanks for any feedback.

[Gray]

Originally posted by Eryn

I obsess about him getting better and us reconciling. I know this seems INSANE, but MOST of the time, everything was so wonderful. We really loved each other, had great plans for the future, and were extremely committed. I can't stop thinking about the possibility of getting back together.

I really don't think that sounds insane at all. It seems like you've been thru a lot together and to throw that all away would be extremely hard.

I am 31....feels like time is running out. I want a family.

I would not recommend staying with him simply because you feel like time is running out. You need to stay with him because you love him and want to help him. He's sick, he has a problem.

 

I don't have any experience with alcholics... I think anyone that posts here without that experience is simply shooting from the hip without actually having gone through it.

 

You need to figure out whats best for you regardless of him. If your love is strong enough to try and help him yet again, you both will need to work very very VERY hard to get him help.

 

If it has become too much for you. You're still young, and will be able to find someone else.

 

Good luck to you.

[Mwende]

I'm also one of the Almost Brides. Devestating. Like you, I'm a sucessful professional who "should have known better." (I posted my story if you want to take a look.)

 

I hope you're finding support from unexpected places, as I am. One thing I keep hearing, and which I know is true, is that now that this has happnened, I understand that his character is what it is, and that he is capable of doing this horrible thing to me. I know that I want to marry a man who would rather throw himself under the wheels of a speeding bus than hurt me. Isn't that the same type of husband you want? You deserve no less. I know everyone says that kind of thing without really knowing what are like and what you really deserve, but your conduct here is beyond reproach. You have done superhuman things to try to help this man, and he is incapable of recognizing your efforts or recipocating. There is a man out there who will adore you for the superhuman efforts you make.

 

Or not. Maybe you won't find any man worthy of you. Some women believe that it's better to be in an unhappy relationship than to be eligible for happiness alone. Are you that woman?

 

Either way, the grieving and mouring has to happen. You are suffering an enormous loss, as am I. My ex has been pretty caustic, and I patiently explain to him (through e-mail) that he's doing that so that he can (1) distance himself emotionally because if he felt a fraction of what I am going through, his guilt would be debilitating, and (2) maybe I'll act all bitchy and he can demonize me, thereby justifying his own bad conduct.

 

My advice: As hard as it is now, what you have learned is that this pain you're feeling is inevitable. It's not a matter of whether this guy will hurt you, but when. If you're willing to bleed, take him on, but be aware of the cost you'll pay. It's devestating to recognize that there is no happy ending in your romance. It's worse to have hope dashed over and over.

 

Good luck to you, my sweet. Please feel free to contact me.

[Eryn]

I replied to your post this am, but I'm not sure if it went through,. Your message really meant a lot to me. I woke up this morning with the usual anxiety attack, scared to get out of bed, but knowing I had to, missing everything about mine and my ex's morning routine.....then I got to work and read your post and it made me feel better than I had all week.

 

I am not one of those women who wants someone just to have someone- thanks for reminding me, that is important! I do deserve someone who would rather chop his arm off than hurt me. My ex actually was like that for a while (never wanted to hurt me), but active addicts are a mess. They are so driven by the addiction, that they lose sight of how their actions impact others. Add to that the fact that he is unmedicated and bipolar....as you read in my story, it was a handful. More than I could handle.

 

What I miss most is the companionship we shared. 3 years! We had some wonderful times together, and it is easy to let those times get to you. All the "little things" like favorite movies, and routines, and just the fact that our wedding was all planned, dress ordered, menu set......and now it is all gone. I know that getting married would not have made it better, though. You are right that it would be worse to have my hopes dashed over and over. In my most desperate times, I find myself hoping that he will get better one day and be ther person I needed him to be. But I know that is unlikely, and not something I can wait for. He says he wants the same thing, but all I can tell him is that I have to focus on me now. If he ever does try to ask me back, I want to be in a place that I can give a healthy, honest answer instead of one out of guilt or desperation, and be OK with saying "no" if that is what I want. But I'm not sure that we'll ever be at that place. As time goes by, I probably will be able to let go. Letting go is the hard part right now. Excruciatingly hard.

 

I read your story and feel bad for your ex. He is missing out. So he puts his new child in front of his older son who is heartbroken over your breakup. Shame on him. He certainly lost more than he will gain.

 

Your words and advice have helped. I know that there is nothing I can do to fix my ex or make him better. I tried. He has to do it himself, and I hope he does for HIS sake. All I can do is work on me...get over this codependent nature and eventually wind up in a healthier place. I know it takes time, but I am impatient. Maybe I'll learn patience, too. I probably will contact you again...feel free to do the same. I hope that you stay as strong as you sound- you have my gratitude and admiration.

[Mwende]

Thank you. I'm glad my words helped. Don't think I'm Wonder Woman -- I may sound strong, but if anyone asks something as simple as "how ya doin'?" I'm likely to burst into sobs. (I'm keeping track of the intervals between sobbing fits -- the longer the interval, the better. I'm up to 4 hours now.)

 

Like you, I miss the routines with an incredible ache. Maybe it is easier for me to be adrift now, rather than have the familiar surroundings, minus the man.

 

We'll both get there. I'm reading a book called "There Goes the Bride," which is the only one I could find about broken engagements. It's helped me to read the stories of women in the same situation -- there are a lot of us -- so you may want to check it out. (I got it at Borders.)

 

Good luck. Please tell me how things go. I'm pulling for you.

 

Mwende.

 

PS I didn't get your post -- can you send it again? Thanks.