Stress with my mother

[Nevermind]

Short background:

 

my mother is in her early 60s, she retired this year. She was always very demanding, and although friendly, could be extremely cold and very detached whenever I did wrong. Neither of my parents really raised me, I was left alone during most of my child and teenagehood. They started to behave like parents again once my father retired and I was 17.

 

She is getting bored. I visit once a month for a weekend, and we call several times a week. Yet, I frequently get phone calls asking ME (not my brother) if either of us would think of visiting again. She actually called three days in a row this very weekend. Now, she never says "it would be nice" but she always manages to make me feel really guilty for neglecting my parents.

 

My brother is having his birthday this thursday, and I booked a table in a really nice restaurant for all of us. He has a new girlfriend and actually wants to go spend the night with her. My parents drive two hours to get here and naturally assumed that they would sleep here (my bro and I share the appartment). They told me this. I told my brother. He doesn't want it, but doesn't clearly say so. In the end I am left with a "if they insist". She calls again, asks if sleeping is okay and I dare say that they should ask my brother since it is his day and I couldn't know all of his plans. She then goes on and on about plans being made weeks in advance. I reply, that it feels unfair to me, that I am the one to be dealing with this if all I ask is for them to clear it between one another. I also told her that I would be happy to host them and for me it wouldn't be a problem. She then made her very famous cold voice you-are-a-disappointment-and-your-behaviour-is-disrespectfull spiel and we hung up.

 

I hate this. Whatever I do, it is never good enough. When she comes here and there is anything in a waste basket - my fault. If my brother's windows aren't clean - my fault. If my shoes are not nice - I should be taking care of my appearance. If my brother's shirt isn't ironed - I should have told him so.

 

It was the same at home. I worked very hard and did more than my share (while both my brother and my father didn't), more than any other teen I knew, yet whenever I was not complying or not behaving as she expected, I was called a bitch.

 

This is why I can never keep boundaries and let people walk all over me. I just can't get it right. Whatever I do, it is not enough.

 

I am really frustrated right now.

[Ronni_W]

Perhaps it could help to look at it from the other side: What of your own values are you supporting, by taking responsibility for your whole family's relationships, comfort, happiness, etc.?

 

It's possible that your priorities are changing, which is making it more and more difficult for you to maintain your (old) role in the (old) family dynamics.

 

For example, perhaps in the past you really valued "happy family relationships" and you enjoyed your role as "happiness maker or peace keeper" for your entire family. But that came at a price of something...as you've posted, you're feeling frustrated, not good enough, etc.

 

And current-day, for example, perhaps you are starting to want and value "high self-esteem &/or inner peace" more -- which MAY mean that you'll need to learn how to be okay when the other family relationships get a little rocky or downright unhappy.

 

(Sticking with above example) Basically, having to observe the rest of them having their dysfunctional interactions may be the price you need to pay for you to have inner peace.

It is your decision as to what do you are you willing to "pay" to have what you value/want/desire most, for yourself.

 

When you realize that you are entitled to have the positive feelings that you want, the struggle then is how to NOT feel guilty about it and how to learn to ignore if/when others want to falsely label you as "selfish", "inconsiderate" and so on.

 

It isn't easy to change one's traditional family role and extricate one's self from dysfunctional family patterns. It can be done -- and sometimes MUST be done to save one's own sanity -- but it isn't at all easy.