So Tired of ducking and hiding...

[twice_shy]

Actually I have not disclosed this to my wife....even though she was not really shocked. She was wondering what started the ball rolling since I've never started this before. I've talked about it many times...but never pulled the trigger till now.

 

Here is the funny thing. You are expecting her to disclose why she wants this over in August, but you aren't willing to disclose your whopper of a lie and hide your infidelity.

 

Man up already.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Actually I have not disclosed this to my wife....even though she was not really shocked. She was wondering what started the ball rolling since I've never started this before. I've talked about it many times...but never pulled the trigger till now.

 

Why am I not surprised. most people who cheat cannot tell their supposed loved ones the truth. how do you sleep at night? Do you want your sons to do what your doing? where is your honor?

[Confused4Now]

Why am I not surprised. most people who cheat cannot tell their supposed loved ones the truth. how do you sleep at night? Do you want your sons to do what your doing? where is your honor?

 

 

Oh trust me...this is one of the main reasons why I finally left....its about the guilt. I will definitely let her know what happen soon enough....as it is I've lost 40lbs. and I'm waking up almost every morning at 3:30am...it's kicking my ass!@!!!!!! I'm so worn out right now....

[Chrome Barracuda]

Oh trust me...this is one of the main reasons why I finally left....its about the guilt. I will definitely let her know what happen soon enough....as it is I've lost 40lbs. and I'm waking up almost every morning at 3:30am...it's kicking my ass!@!!!!!! I'm so worn out right now....

 

Dont you want to redeem yourself?

 

It sounds to me as if your conscious is telling you something, that is hard to supress.

 

Why dont you make amends?

[Owl]

Dude, congratulations...you've left your wife for a cake-eater.

 

From all I've seen on your thread, I'd agree she's not going to leave in August...she probably REALLY doesn't plan on leaving ever.

 

She's simply saying that to you because she likes the status quo. She's got you on one side, and her H on the other...both taking care of her needs, both wanting her.

 

We've seen this time and again here. (ala Stampdaddy's thread, for example).

 

So, the REAL question here is...how long are you going to sit here and take whatever crumbs she throws your way?

 

You say you're sick of hiding...fine...then man up and have a sit down discussion with her husband. That will put an end to the ducking and hiding one way or another. It'll clear the air up tremendously as well.

 

Why DIDN'T you tell your wife, since you're divorcing anyway???

 

Personally, if you're 'spiritual'...isn't there something in there about honesty? With friends/loved ones/etc...? I won't touch the "coveting" or other commandments for now...I'll stick to basic VALUES that are core to spirituality.

 

How are you handling the conflict between those values, and your actions?

[Lookingforward]

If you felt you were doing the "right thing" by leaving your M, why are you having all this angst ?? (the losing weight, the not sleeping) - sounds to me like now the OW is dragging her feet you're not so sure after all.....that alone should tell you something

[nadiaj2727]

So if you have a plan of leaving in August why would she not disclose that to me. She comes back with this is what I'm sensing or I see a route of getting out of my marriage and that's it. So i've really not heard a clear cut plan. So I ask you guys who were in my situation what are the right questions to ask so I can get a clear cut answer from her?

 

Our stories are kind of similar. I was engaged and living with my fiance. xMM was married for a long time. We had this (sounded) great (at the time) idea to dump our S/Os and be together. I handed the ring back to my fiance, told him I couldn't do this anymore (without telling him about OM and moved out) (one of the hardest things I ever did and the thing I regret the most).

 

In a way I see some amount of honor in your post because you actually took ACTION, which is what I've learned matters most. You showed her you have not only feelings for her but you wanted to do what it took to be with her, so you filed for divorce. But like me you left out an important detail to your wife. It really wasn't fair to end things with her without giving her the clear picture to work with and resolve things. (I eventually told my ex fiance the truth, which was another hard thing, which I do not regret. He said it cleared a lot of things up for him and he felt a sense of relief that he wasn't crazy and it wasn't all his fault.)

 

And like you my xMM did nothing. Well, he did more than your OW, he separated from his wife and pretty much moved out of their house. Well that's as far as he got and like your OW he told me he's getting divorced very soon... two weeks... another two weeks... etc. What to do in that situation? Well, you can ask for a date, a concrete plan, physical proof like the name of an attorney, evidence of paperwork being filed etc. But when it all comes down to it, that's a huge waste of time because they could be lying to you and manipulating you just like they're undoubtedly doing to their spouses. I mean she is either getting divorced or she is staying married. Sounds to me like she's staying married and I don't think you should invest more time into her without proof of a big change.

 

Very wise people on the OW/OM forum, especially Owl (read his posts carefully!) showed me how it's not their words that matter, it's their actions. That's the only way you'll know for sure whether she ends up getting divorced or not. And since you said yourself that there needs to be time for NC, why not make that time now? That way you can be sure you are done with your marriage on its own merits or you may end up regretting your decision forever. Don't base it on OW, base it on whether or not you really want to be divorced with or without OW. And please think of your wife because you made vows to her and the least you owe her is the truth... you will feel better later if you start doing the right thing right now... believe me I've been there!

 

Also NC will give you time and space to think about yourself and your future (whether or not you're sure about your marriage/ divorce) while also giving OW time and space to do what she needs to do. You need to SEE her divorce, no amount of words can get 'er done as they say... and as you may be beginning to find out, even if she does file, move out, or take steps towards divorce, there's still always a chance to change her mind and reverse the process. Until the divorce is final she is committed to her husband and has every right to stay with him as do you (if your wife would want to after knowing the truth of course).

 

So, my advice on how to tell if she's serious or not is to walk away. I did. It was the hardest thing I've ever done but it was the very best thing that I don't regret one bit. After you walk you MIGHT realize it was all just a fantasy or that OW wasn't the woman you thought she was. You might feel at peace with your decision to work on yourself instead of investing so much time in someone with as many issues as you yourself have probably had recently. Or you may find out that you two can be together but the only REAL way to do it, in my opinion, is to each get divorced on the merits of your own marriages first, without each other to cloud the process, and THEN see how you two do as a couple starting out fresh.

 

Good luck to you.

[nadiaj2727]

Does that mean that you regretted not marrying your ex-fiance?

 

Does he not want to take you back after the affair ended?

 

I do regret not marrying him.

 

The affair with xMM taught me a lot about what real love is and isn't. It is what I had with my ex-fiance but I didn't want that at the time, I was attracted to drama and chaos. It was NOT what I had with xMM... that was all the drama and chaos. Now I'm learning to appreciate what I have and I'm learning that the grass is greener where it's watered the most.

 

Regarding him wanting to take me back... I think he might... we are working on it. He is very loving, forgiving, and selfless. But I'm still working on making sure my own issues are squared away before I ever hope to regain his trust.

[Confused4Now]

Also NC will give you time and space to think about yourself and your future (whether or not you're sure about your marriage/ divorce) while also giving OW time and space to do what she needs to do. You need to SEE her divorce, no amount of words can get 'er done as they say... and as you may be beginning to find out, even if she does file, move out, or take steps towards divorce, there's still always a chance to change her mind and reverse the process. Until the divorce is final she is committed to her husband and has every right to stay with him as do you (if your wife would want to after knowing the truth of course).

 

So, my advice on how to tell if she's serious or not is to walk away. I did. It was the hardest thing I've ever done but it was the very best thing that I don't regret one bit. After you walk you MIGHT realize it was all just a fantasy or that OW wasn't the woman you thought she was. You might feel at peace with your decision to work on yourself instead of investing so much time in someone with as many issues as you yourself have probably had recently. Or you may find out that you two can be together but the only REAL way to do it, in my opinion, is to each get divorced on the merits of your own marriages first, without each other to cloud the process, and THEN see how you two do as a couple starting out fresh.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Now that is some of the best advice I've gotten in this forum. Seriously some of the guys who post around here act like they've never done anything wrong. I'm fully aware of what I did and I've struggled with it for sometime. I will disclose to my wife soon.

 

Without going into details we've been roommates for years and I've stayed around for the kids and she knows this....she's also knows I was never in love with her(got married cause she got pregnant). So not sure if it really matters if she knows or not...but it will let her know why I got the ball rolling for sure.

 

As for the MW I think the NC will definitely be in affect soon....whether or not she gets her ball rolling or not. Like you said this will give us time to seriously look at ourselves and come together with a clean slate and it would give us a much better chance in the future.

 

As for the (owl) and his cake eater remark wasn't I a cake eater too till I got out of my marriage? I think it went both ways didn't it?

[nadiaj2727]

Very interesting theory.

 

 

 

Your guilt must be killing you for what you did to him. He seems like a great guy who doesn't deserve the betrayal and all the drama and damages that come with it at all.

 

Are you somehow, subconsciously, maybe for the first time, selflessly, thinking that he might deserve someone else better than you who has not betrayed him the way you did?

 

Yep he IS a great guy who didn't deserve my betrayal. For quite some time I felt that I didn't deserve him despite the fact that he thinks otherwise. And my guilt was killing me, you're right about that. Yet recently, after loads of counseling and self-reflection I've realized that I am a good person who did something very wrong; I changed my ways and I will never do that to him or anyone else again. So I do believe he deserves me, and he thinks the same. But I am working on forgiving myself and accepting the fact that he is willing to forgive me. These things take time and we are going very slow. I want to make sure I am all of the person that I deserve to be as well as the person who he deserves to be with.

[nadiaj2727]

Now that is some of the best advice I've gotten in this forum. Seriously some of the guys who post around here act like they've never done anything wrong. I'm fully aware of what I did and I've struggled with it for sometime. I will disclose to my wife soon.

 

Well a lot of people don't cheat no matter how bad things get. Which is a good thing. And a lot of people have been hurt by cheating. So that may explain what seems like a moral high horse position or tone. Everyone has a right to their opinion but yes, it is easier to hear from someone who has BTDT and that's why I posted to you. I'm glad I could help.

 

Without going into details we've been roommates for years and I've stayed around for the kids and she knows this....she's also knows I was never in love with her(got married cause she got pregnant). So not sure if it really matters if she knows or not...but it will let her know why I got the ball rolling for sure.

 

I understand all that but I hope you understand that doesn't justify your cheating. Cheating is never right. If this marriage is really that bad then you need to get out of it on your own two feet, not because OW is there holding your hand. That's what's healthy for you, for your wife, for OW, for everyone! After all YOU made the choice to marry her because she was pregnant (this is not a law the last time I checked) and you made the choice to stay with her for those years as roommates and you made the choice to cheat on her. I'm NOT trying to beat you up for those choices-- just to show you how it's important to take personal responsibility for your past actions so you can start making better decisions in the future, with the knowledge that YOU and you alone are in charge of it.

 

I do think it matters to her... wouldn't it matter to you? It would explain a lot and you wouldn't want to feel like a fool knowing your wife was carrying on behind your back no matter how much you two are only "roommates." I'm sure she would like to know that there is a third party involved in her marriage/ divorce.

 

As for the MW I think the NC will definitely be in affect soon....whether or not she gets her ball rolling or not. Like you said this will give us time to seriously look at ourselves and come together with a clean slate and it would give us a much better chance in the future.

 

Good. Again in my opinion this is the best course of action for both you, you and your wife, you and the OW... it is just the wisest choice all around.

 

As for the (owl) and his cake eater remark wasn't I a cake eater too till I got out of my marriage? I think it went both ways didn't it?

 

Yes you were (good thing that you see that) but I think his point was that you stopped being a cake eater... you made a choice... and if your OW doesn't make the same choice (or if she makes no choice at all and you don't walk away), then you might see things in a different light and realize what you threw away (there had to be SOMETHING that kept you there until OW came along-- what was it? Comfort? Stability? Commitment? Honor? Indifference? Momentum? Familiarity? All/ none of the above?) for what you got, which might end up to be a big fat nothing (no relationship with OW or worse, a relationship where she's still cake-eating and not making a move towards you like you made towards her).

 

I think it's important to think things through-- it's good that you're starting to do that. I like your raw honesty and I think you should keep it up because it's most important to be honest with yourself and then with others including your wife. If you feel judged by people here then just realize they are coming from a different perspective, maybe try to put yourself in their shoes or your wife's shoes and you might have some idea why they feel that way. Or just ignore them because this is your life and as I've been saying, only you are in charge of your future. Good luck.

[stampdaddy]

C4N I can't tell you that it won't work out for you and that she won't leave. All I can tell you for one example is that Christmas 2004 I was promised that I would NEVER have another Christmas like that one (it sucked to watch her and her H host a company party at their house).. Well, 3 Christmases later...... Here I sit, having no clue what just ran me over, doubting EVERYTHING, drowning in that anxiety that you mentioned (although I wish I could lose some of the weight you have). We have been found out almost a year ago, and again and again and again and she is STILL THERE!!! She NEVER has made her move to ME.. And yes, maybe one day she will be at my door, because they Divorced because the H decided he couldnt stand her anymore, and my question for you is this: How would that make YOU feel??

[Confused4Now]

C4N I can't tell you that it won't work out for you and that she won't leave. All I can tell you for one example is that Christmas 2004 I was promised that I would NEVER have another Christmas like that one (it sucked to watch her and her H host a company party at their house).. Well, 3 Christmases later...... Here I sit, having no clue what just ran me over, doubting EVERYTHING, drowning in that anxiety that you mentioned (although I wish I could lose some of the weight you have). We have been found out almost a year ago, and again and again and again and she is STILL THERE!!! She NEVER has made her move to ME.. And yes, maybe one day she will be at my door, because they Divorced because the H decided he couldnt stand her anymore, and my question for you is this: How would that make YOU feel??

 

Well I've pretty much I have told her I will not go through another Thanksgiving or Christmas ever again. Like you it was the hardest thing for me every year but last year hit me the hardest....Life is way to short...I know how you feel trust me....it's not a good feeling. Do I think there is a chance she could still be with her hubby at that time? for sure...but I will have put in a NC way before then and have accepted thats just the way things will be. I can move on....I'll have to....there will be nothing left of me if I don't.

[stampdaddy]

Well I've pretty much I have told her I will not go through another Thanksgiving or Christmas ever again. Like you it was the hardest thing for me every year but last year hit me the hardest....Life is way to short...I know how you feel trust me....it's not a good feeling. Do I think there is a chance she could still be with her hubby at that time? for sure...but I will have put in a NC way before then and have accepted thats just the way things will be. I can move on....I'll have to....there will be nothing left of me if I don't.

I have to admit that I have absolutely NOTHING left from this.. Everything has run through its cycle. What was so beautiful to me couldnt be more ugly now.. I guy from church once asked me, "What is it that you HOPE for??" It has stuck with me, because I never "hoped" for this...

[Lookingforward]

I have to admit that I have absolutely NOTHING left from this.. Everything has run through its cycle. What was so beautiful to me couldnt be more ugly now.. I guy from church once asked me, "What is it that you HOPE for??" It has stuck with me, because I never "hoped" for this...

 

SD, glad you're still "with us" on LS though - it can only get better from this point on, right ?

[stampdaddy]

SD, glad you're still "with us" on LS though - it can only get better from this point on, right ?

Thank you... It will get better.. It has to

[Confused4Now]

A couple weeks ago I had a nice 30 person houswarming at my House. My MW had time to meet with my mom during the party and they had a long talk. I was around when they were talking privately. She looked my mom straight in the eye and told her she was in love with me and she plans to be with me in the future.

 

Not mention some of my close friends cornered her as well. So it sounds like her heart is there....also I went to a co-workers wedding and she was my guest. We had a blast as always. As some of you know she's very well sticking to her August date....stay tuned. Meanwhile I've been keeping busy so not to set myself for a huge let down....

[stampdaddy]

A couple weeks ago I had a nice 30 person houswarming at my House. My MW had time to meet with my mom during the party and they had a long talk. I was around when they were talking privately. She looked my mom straight in the eye and told her she was in love with me and she plans to be with me in the future.

 

Not mention some of my close friends cornered her as well. So it sounds like her heart is there....also I went to a co-workers wedding and she was my guest. We had a blast as always. As some of you know she's very well sticking to her August date....stay tuned. Meanwhile I've been keeping busy so not to set myself for a huge let down....

You WILL be let down...

[Chrome Barracuda]

A couple weeks ago I had a nice 30 person houswarming at my House. My MW had time to meet with my mom during the party and they had a long talk. I was around when they were talking privately. She looked my mom straight in the eye and told her she was in love with me and she plans to be with me in the future.

 

Not mention some of my close friends cornered her as well. So it sounds like her heart is there....also I went to a co-workers wedding and she was my guest. We had a blast as always. As some of you know she's very well sticking to her August date....stay tuned. Meanwhile I've been keeping busy so not to set myself for a huge let down....

 

 

Ewwwww, that's disgusting!!!

 

How could you go to a wedding of someone wth the married woman your having the affair with?

 

WTF are you thinking that's like a spit in the face to your respective spouses! I wonder what would have happened if her husband showed up! lol. I bet you it wouldnt have been all magic and lala land then.

[cherrymoon]

Forgive me for this (no stone casting)

The catholic woman you are having an affair with looked your mother in the eye and said she loved you.

She also told your friends.

You attended a wedding and she was your guest.

 

So here it is everybody but her husband and kids now know? NICE!

 

Stop and take some stock please.

Her husband does not deserve this treatment.

Please cop on and give him some dignity you are having sex with his spiritual wife all be it once a month (definitely catholic Joke)

He doesn't deserve to be the last to know.

[twice_shy]

Forgive me for this (no stone casting)

The catholic woman you are having an affair with looked your mother in the eye and said she loved you.

She also told your friends.

You attended a wedding and she was your guest.

 

So here it is everybody but her husband and kids now know? NICE!

 

Stop and take some stock please.

Her husband does not deserve this treatment.

Please cop on and give him some dignity you are having sex with his spiritual wife all be it once a month (definitely catholic Joke)

He doesn't deserve to be the last to know.

 

VERY well said.

[Confused4Now]

VERY well said.

 

Let me start by saying what she is doing to her husband is no different what he's been doing to her. He' been caught several times with another woman several times through out their marriage.

 

She has only known him since she was 16 and now she's 40. As recently she's been getting numbers off the phone and she's been linking them to escorts or massages girls off the web. So both of them are basically doing it to each other when it comes the messing around. I'm the only one which she has connected to and she truly wants to get out of her situation.

 

So all she has to do is just get out now just like I did....

[cherrymoon]

Ok forgive me but if he is such a slim why has she not left him. She has a wonderful man waiting for her. I would go.

 

You need to get a health check if he has ben putting it about.

 

Sorry to be so blunt.

 

In my humble opinion You are being taken for a fool

[twice_shy]

Let me start by saying what she is doing to her husband is no different what he's been doing to her. He' been caught several times with another woman several times through out their marriage.

 

She has only known him since she was 16 and now she's 40. As recently she's been getting numbers off the phone and she's been linking them to escorts or massages girls off the web. So both of them are basically doing it to each other when it comes the messing around. I'm the only one which she has connected to and she truly wants to get out of her situation.

 

So all she has to do is just get out now just like I did....

 

Oh, NOW you tell us all this. If all that were true, you'd think that would have been good info to share at the beginning to help the justification of what you were doing.

[Owl]

Cheating doesn't justify cheating.

 

If she's caught him cheating, she should divorce him if the situation doesn't change.

 

Just because HE'S doing it doesn't make it right for HER to do it to him as well.

 

That defense got overruled sometime back before sixth grade.

 

This is simple enough. Do you want to be her "sugardaddy", or do you want to be more than that?

 

Why do YOU accept all of this in your life?