So Tired of ducking and hiding...

[Confused4Now]

All I'm saying is he's all she's ever known...and 23 years of deep roots are hard to break and yes I should have disclosed his infidelity early on. Agreed cheating does not justify cheating. Which is why I'm working on myself and she's handling her business. Right now I'm being her friend and supporting her.

 

That's all I can do for now....and oh BTW (stampdaddy) I will not be in this as long as you have....I can move forward with my life cause I have a time line in my head. Good luck to you...

[Lizzie60]

Wait.. we're not in August yet!!!!

 

Just give her time... geeeez....

[Chrome Barracuda]

All I'm saying is he's all she's ever known...and 23 years of deep roots are hard to break and yes I should have disclosed his infidelity early on. Agreed cheating does not justify cheating. Which is why I'm working on myself and she's handling her business. Right now I'm being her friend and supporting her.

 

That's all I can do for now....and oh BTW (stampdaddy) I will not be in this as long as you have....I can move forward with my life cause I have a time line in my head. Good luck to you...

 

Bull crap!

 

You cannot be just friends with the woman your having the affair with!!! what happens when your family dont talk to you because of what your doing to your family? What happens when her husband finds out? You think he's gonna just let his wife run off with you? And just because he's cheating doesnt give her the free pass to do it as well.

 

She told her mother she loved you? hmmm? but wait a second she's still rightfully and legally married and meanwhile acitvely cheating while at someone else's wedding! what a F-ing joke!!!!

[Confused4Now]

Why can't we be friends? We started as friends...first of all let me clarify we have already taken steps to minimize seeing each other. Almost to the point of No Contact...We might meet for Starbucks once or twice a week. But most of dialog(chat or talk) is when she's online at work.

 

So If she's has any plans to get out soon (August) We're going to have to be at No contact anyway...and if she doesn't do it....then I've already taken steps to wean her out of my life. I'm already going out with my buddies and friends and keeping busy than locking up myself in my room like I have been doing.

[GreenX]

I don't think she has any intentions on leaving anytime soon. Also, her husband may have cheated on her in the past but remember, two wrongs do not make a right. If she clearly is unhappy being with him she'd leave. Simple as that.

[ConfusedCuddleBug]

How ironic of the situation you are in. I do feel for you and what you are going through. The stress, the mental toll, the pain and agonizing of wondering if you are wasting your time and to move forward, either it be together or not.

 

I am in a somewhat similiar situation, as I am the woman who also has a deadline by my OM. In this instance though, my OM lives out-of-state and we have been "dating" for approximately 2 yrs now.

 

During those years, it gave him time to go through his process with his divorce, as I am the one who has not reached that point ... yet.

 

Its a tough mental stress to go through and yes, we put ourselves in the predicament of it. I understand from your viewpoint but its also a 2-way street.

 

For me to form an opinion would be hypocritical, as not everything is black & white.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Why can't we be friends? We started as friends...first of all let me clarify we have already taken steps to minimize seeing each other. Almost to the point of No Contact...We might meet for Starbucks once or twice a week. But most of dialog(chat or talk) is when she's online at work.

 

So If she's has any plans to get out soon (August) We're going to have to be at No contact anyway...and if she doesn't do it....then I've already taken steps to wean her out of my life. I'm already going out with my buddies and friends and keeping busy than locking up myself in my room like I have been doing.

 

I REPEAT YOU CANNOT BE JUST FRIENDS WITH THE WOMAN YOUR HAVING THE AFFAIR WITH!!!!!!!

 

that is so hypocritical and heinous and disgusting. How can you sleep at night? Is that the life you want to lead and the examples you show your children. What if your kids come to you saying thieir boyfriend and or girlfriend cheated on them? And you see the pain in their eyes, what are you gonna say: well maybe the OM/OW was a better deal???

 

C'mon man that's not right. and in the end mark my words if she'll cheat with you, she'll cheat on you too!!!!! Your just a dummy to believe she would be faithful to you when she has no loyalty to anyone but herself and the minute you'll slip up she find someone else! and then what? friends right?

 

Is the friendship worth the destruction of your family? and the loss of respect? if you guys get married can you promise her let no one come between you? Can she promise the same thing? When she did it before to another man?

 

Christian hypocrites! no wonder people hate church!!!

[Confused4Now]

That's why I know statistically when a MM and MW come together the percentages are very very low and chrome dome I don't sleep well at night!!! and to say if she cheat she'll cheat again...is possible. But not all affairs are the same.

 

All I can say is I had the courage and strength to get out of my marriage. I can certainly say I will have courage and strength to get out of this affair when I know it's going no where.

[Virgo1982]

That's why I know statistically when a MM and MW come together the percentages are very very low and chrome dome I don't sleep well at night!!! and to say if she cheat she'll cheat again...is possible. But not all affairs are the same.

 

All I can say is I had the courage and strength to get out of my marriage. I can certainly say I will have courage and strength to get out of this affair when I know it's going no where.

 

Cautiously optimistic. The only way to live...

[Alady]

You cannot assume that a person who has cheated will do so again. Yes, I am aware that there are serial cheaters. I'm not talking about those. You can't fit people into a nice little box and make assumptions or judgments, if you will. Their experiences are unique and their reasons for doing what they do just as unique.

 

The advice you will get on this or any other site will be varied...harsh, understanding, sympathetic, etc. Again it depends on the individual's personal experience. Our experiences do color our thinking. Intentions are usally good, though. Use what you find helpful.

 

You have to be careful with statistics, too, especially with such a sensitive subject matter as EMAs. Some statistics are fact. Others are based on a control group of data and a result determined from that data. We don't all fit into a control group and many people involved in an EMA or in a marriage with an affair partner don't choose to reveal that.

 

It's not all black and white. It would be easier if it were.

[Confused4Now]

Looks like she's not going to make it to August. She is getting pressure from her husband to either end the marriage or work on it. She's being pushed in the corner so hard she's taking it out on me. So we discussed No Contact and she has agreed. She says she has to sort things out and go out on her own time.

 

OH WELL....I'm bummed...but I'm also relieved. Something deep inside told me she wasn't going to follow through. Like everyone else I thought I could beat that 1-3%. She's says all the right things....she wants me for the rest of her life and she only see's herself with me ...but I pretty much know now.... I'll be doing alot of reading and praying....

[stampdaddy]

Looks like she's not going to make it to August. She is getting pressure from her husband to either end the marriage or work on it. She's being pushed in the corner so hard she's taking it out on me. So we discussed No Contact and she has agreed. She says she has to sort things out and go out on her own time.

 

OH WELL....I'm bummed...but I'm also relieved. Something deep inside told me she wasn't going to follow through. Like everyone else I thought I could beat that 1-3%. She's says all the right things....she wants me for the rest of her life and she only see's herself with me ...but I pretty much know now.... I'll be doing alot of reading and praying....

EXACTLY where I am at right this second.... You have to give her this space and time if you are ever gonna make it, but like me, I am struggling with "holding my breath" and letting my honor and nobility to kick me in the ass...

[torranceshipman]

Im kind of impresed that you had the balls to file for D so quick and were a lot more honest about that than a lot of the MMs on here! Good on you for doing that...I think your MW is like the majority of cheaters that are too weak to leave and you're best off without her - find someone with some strength of character and backbone! Keep up that NC no matter what this woman says to you!

[Owl]

Here's something to think about...if you really and truly want to help her...

 

 

Stick to NC...EVEN WHEN SHE BREAKS IT.

 

Don't let her break her own promises to her H, and to herself.

 

When she waffles on her choice...and she most likely will...don't give in and resume contact with her. One polite note to the effect of "you're working on your situation and have asked me for NC, so I'm going to ask you to stick to your word and honor that as well" the first time she breaks it, and then move on.

 

I know it sounds harsh, but its the best way to get worked through all of this. NC will be hard for both of you, but a poorly enforced NC is worse than useless...it needlessly drags you both through pain with absolutely no chance of actually helping to resolve things.

 

That's part of why SD drug through his situation for so long...NC was never enforced (no bash on you, SD...just using your situation as an example...hope you don't mind).

[twice_shy]

Why can't we be friends? We started as friends

 

Because you crossed the line from being "friends". And her husband shouldn't have to put up with you and her being "friends".

 

You screwed that up when you crossed the line.

[twice_shy]

Looks like she's not going to make it to August. She is getting pressure from her husband to either end the marriage or work on it. She's being pushed in the corner so hard she's taking it out on me.

 

Good for him. He should be dropping an ultimatum. Actually, he should be dropping her.

 

 

So we discussed No Contact and she has agreed. She says she has to sort things out and go out on her own time.

 

OH WELL....I'm bummed...but I'm also relieved. Something deep inside told me she wasn't going to follow through.

 

Like everyone else I thought I could beat that 1-3%. She's says all the right things....she wants me for the rest of her life and she only see's herself with me ...but I pretty much know now.... I'll be doing alot of reading and praying....

 

praying? dont go gettin' all religious on us all of a sudden.

 

What makes you think that if she cheated on her H, that she won't do it to you? You have a penis made of gold or something?

[stampdaddy]

Here's something to think about...if you really and truly want to help her...

 

 

Stick to NC...EVEN WHEN SHE BREAKS IT.

 

Don't let her break her own promises to her H, and to herself.

 

When she waffles on her choice...and she most likely will...don't give in and resume contact with her. One polite note to the effect of "you're working on your situation and have asked me for NC, so I'm going to ask you to stick to your word and honor that as well" the first time she breaks it, and then move on.

 

I know it sounds harsh, but its the best way to get worked through all of this. NC will be hard for both of you, but a poorly enforced NC is worse than useless...it needlessly drags you both through pain with absolutely no chance of actually helping to resolve things.

 

That's part of why SD drug through his situation for so long...NC was never enforced (no bash on you, SD...just using your situation as an example...hope you don't mind).

It'll cost you a dollar per use....

[Owl]

It'll cost you a dollar per use....

 

That's ok...you can just start taking out of the bill for my online therapy services!

[Angel1111]

Wow, Confused, I think you're getting pretty beat up here. I do think your MW will leave her situation but I think you're doing the right thing by getting out of the way for now. You don't want to be responsible for pressuring her - it has to be her decision, in her own time. I think what happened is when you left your marriage, MW began to feel the noose tightening and feeling the pressure of following suit. But, as you know, that's not always easy to do.

 

Forget the statistics - they're probably nonsense anyway. All those happily married people don't go to therapists or get on web forums and talk about their bliss. You don't know what statistics are real so ignore them. I think you and MW truly love one another and I think it will work. Just take the pressure off of her and let her remember on her own what a wonderful man you are.

 

And, as a sidenote, I hope that you never tell your ex-wife why you really left. Some things are better left unsaid. She doesn't need to know that piece of information and I don't know why people think it's so important. The marriage is over, and she's blissfully ignorant of what happened. Because, in truth, the affair had nothing to do with your dead marriage. She knows it and you know it. That's all that's necessary.

 

Please keep us posted as to how things are going. And stop loosing weight! You're going to disappear and your love won't be able to find you!

[White Flower]

EXACTLY where I am at right this second.... You have to give her this space and time if you are ever gonna make it, but like me, I am struggling with "holding my breath" and letting my honor and nobility to kick me in the ass...

We're still waiting for that golfing trip to Palm Springs:cool:

[Chrome Barracuda]

Wow, Confused, I think you're getting pretty beat up here. I do think your MW will leave her situation but I think you're doing the right thing by getting out of the way for now. You don't want to be responsible for pressuring her - it has to be her decision, in her own time. I think what happened is when you left your marriage, MW began to feel the noose tightening and feeling the pressure of following suit. But, as you know, that's not always easy to do.

 

Forget the statistics - they're probably nonsense anyway. All those happily married people don't go to therapists or get on web forums and talk about their bliss. You don't know what statistics are real so ignore them. I think you and MW truly love one another and I think it will work. Just take the pressure off of her and let her remember on her own what a wonderful man you are.

 

And, as a sidenote, I hope that you never tell your ex-wife why you really left. Some things are better left unsaid. She doesn't need to know that piece of information and I don't know why people think it's so important. The marriage is over, and she's blissfully ignorant of what happened. Because, in truth, the affair had nothing to do with your dead marriage. She knows it and you know it. That's all that's necessary.

 

Please keep us posted as to how things are going. And stop loosing weight! You're going to disappear and your love won't be able to find you!

 

:sick::sick::sick::sick:

 

Straight garbage!!!!!!

 

This is excatly what that cat CHD was talking about. People that enable cheating. Hey angel wonder if this MW had gave him Hep-C would you be so positive about the situation.

 

It isnt love this is straight up trifling bull**** by two flawed people who cant see outta there own ass.

 

It's kinda disgusting. The whole situation and the whole idea of the marriage idea was so wrong. I swear if I was the husband it would have been hell to pay.

 

Your opinion is disgusting angel please go troll on glory b or something because when it happens to you, you be the first one crying.

[pelicanpreacher]

Wow, Confused, I think you're getting pretty beat up here. I do think your MW will leave her situation but I think you're doing the right thing by getting out of the way for now. You don't want to be responsible for pressuring her - it has to be her decision, in her own time. I think what happened is when you left your marriage, MW began to feel the noose tightening and feeling the pressure of following suit. But, as you know, that's not always easy to do.

 

Forget the statistics - they're probably nonsense anyway. All those happily married people don't go to therapists or get on web forums and talk about their bliss. You don't know what statistics are real so ignore them. I think you and MW truly love one another and I think it will work. Just take the pressure off of her and let her remember on her own what a wonderful man you are.

 

And, as a sidenote, I hope that you never tell your ex-wife why you really left. Some things are better left unsaid. She doesn't need to know that piece of information and I don't know why people think it's so important. The marriage is over, and she's blissfully ignorant of what happened. Because, in truth, the affair had nothing to do with your dead marriage. She knows it and you know it. That's all that's necessary.

 

Please keep us posted as to how things are going. And stop loosing weight! You're going to disappear and your love won't be able to find you!

 

This advice is wrong...DEAD WRONG!

 

Show your stbxw a modicum of humanity and restore whatever honor you have left by admitting to her that you only married her because she became pregnant with your child, that your marriage was dead from day one, that your 2nd child was a mistake as well, and that your lives and marriage together has been one big lying farce. Apologize for deceiving her into believing that you ever loved her, that through guile you stole the best years of her life, and, finally, admit to her that the impetus for the your current divorce action was that you sought the company of a mistress for the last 2 years going to parties, and weddings, and even introductions to your mother who fulfills your sense of love and now expect to begin a life with her as soon she divorces from her own husband.

 

The pain that she'll experience will likely be traumatic but at least she'll no longer harbor any thoughts for reconcilliation or even fond memories of you or her marriage ever again! Hold not to the notion of decency for it is perverted by the many deceptions of your being that have bled your wife's soul to a dry and lifeless crust, lo these many years. You have been slowly killing her spirit with a million rending tears from your lie's dull and rusted blade for all the days that she's known you. Remove your mask of selfish cruelty and set her free with a gift of the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help ye GOD.

 

Let your EX see you for who and what you really are for she is twisting in a hard and unrelenting wind by blaming herself for the demise of her marriage when all along she never had a chance to know love with a man like you!!!

[White Flower]

This advice is wrong...DEAD WRONG!

 

Show your stbxw a modicum of humanity and restore whatever honor you have left by admitting to her that you only married her because she became pregnant with your child, that your marriage was dead from day one, that your 2nd child was a mistake as well, and that your lives and marriage together has been one big lying farce. Apologize for deceiving her into believing that you ever loved her, that through guile you stole the best years of her life, and, finally, admit to her that the impetus for the your current divorce action was that you sought the company of a mistress for the last 2 years going to parties, and weddings, and even introductions to your mother who fulfills your sense of love and now expect to begin a life with her as soon she divorces from her own husband.

 

The pain that she'll experience will likely be traumatic but at least she'll no longer harbor any thoughts for reconcilliation or even fond memories of you or her marriage ever again! Hold not to the notion of decency for it is perverted by the many deceptions of your being that have bled your wife's soul to a dry and lifeless crust, lo these many years. You have been slowly killing her spirit with a million rending tears from your lie's dull and rusted blade for all the days that she's known you. Remove your mask of selfish cruelty and set her free with a gift of the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help ye GOD.

 

Let your EX see you for who and what you really are for she is twisting in a hard and unrelenting wind by blaming herself for the demise of her marriage when all along she never had a chance to know love with a man like you!!!

Wow, Pelican, your passion is felt. I understand where you are coming from. Women have a strong sense, an intuition, that lets them know something is wrong. To have it verified actually helps to strengthen that intuition which they need in order to protect themselves.

 

That is the main reason I have felt guilt with my own A. I believe exMM has hurt his wife's sense of intuition and she no longer can use it to protect her because it is not fine-tuned. This is the only reason I would agree with you in the OP confessing the truth about the A. But, if he really feels it won't benefit her in any way I can also see his side, especially if he is not a serial cheater. Why hurt her further, especially if she is young enough to rebuild and fine-tune her intuition?

 

On another thread we are discussing that right now; seeing all the different perspectives in the love triangle.

[Angel1111]

:sick::sick::sick::sick:

 

Straight garbage!!!!!!

 

This is excatly what that cat CHD was talking about. People that enable cheating. Hey angel wonder if this MW had gave him Hep-C would you be so positive about the situation.

 

It isnt love this is straight up trifling bull**** by two flawed people who cant see outta there own ass.

 

It's kinda disgusting. The whole situation and the whole idea of the marriage idea was so wrong. I swear if I was the husband it would have been hell to pay.

 

Your opinion is disgusting angel please go troll on glory b or something because when it happens to you, you be the first one crying.

 

 

 

I'm really amazed at the anger on this forum. It's quite sad, really. Ok, I get it now. Unless I concur with everyone else's ideas around here, then I should go elsewhere.

 

Well, it has happened to me so I actually do know what I'm talking about. The pain was unbelievable, which is why I don't understand why any of you think it's so important to tell the spouse about the affair. So that they can be traumatized and hurt beyond their imagination? What would he have to gain by telling her at this point, now that the marriage is over?

 

You call these people flawed. I'm so relieved to know that you're not. In my opinion, he tried to do the right thing by not wasting his wife's time by staying when she already knew the marriage was dead and that he never really loved her. Maybe it took him some time to make that decision but, as we all know, that's not an easy decision to make under any circumstances. And, gee, I'm sure his wife is totally shocked that her marriage is over. Just like women who ignore their husbands for years and have sex with them once a year - they are also shocked beyond belief that he cheated on her or left. And the husband who abuses his wife and children is often brought to his knees when reality slams him in the face.

 

But, yes, it's all the cheater's fault. If it makes you feel better to believe that, then go with that. The spouse seems to be the innocent bystander and has no buy-in whatsoever. And that's "straight garbage" as far as I'm concerned. I'd say that any woman wiling to stay in a loveless marriage is playing with fire and should actually be surprised if the marriage lasts at all.

 

In my case, my husband said he cheated because I told our marriage counselor that I thought we should divorce. The counselor agreed...the marriage was THAT bad. My husband convinced me to stay - again - and then cheated on me 2 wks later. I'm not saying his affair was my fault but what I am saying is that people tend to do a dance together and they are in it 50/50. I should've left him long before our relationship reached that point. The red flags were all around me. But, one thing I know for sure - his affair fully put the brakes on the path our marriage was going down.

 

A counselor told me once that an affair is usually a HUGE cry for help by the person having the affair, and/or a last-ditch attempt at either changing things or ending them. Their pain is that great. You can take that any way you want but the truth is, most people who cheat are not serial cheaters, they do it because they can no longer live with things as they are. Maybe that's hard to look in the face but it's true. Most of them are not vindictive evil-doers, as many of you would like to believe. When a relationship gets bad enough, somewhere, somehow, the pressure will have to be released or it's going to totally blow up in your face.

 

Just my humble, "disgusting opinion".

[Angel1111]

This advice is wrong...DEAD WRONG!

 

Show your stbxw a modicum of humanity and restore whatever honor you have left by admitting to her that you only married her because she became pregnant with your child, that your marriage was dead from day one, that your 2nd child was a mistake as well, and that your lives and marriage together has been one big lying farce. Apologize for deceiving her into believing that you ever loved her, that through guile you stole the best years of her life, and, finally, admit to her that the impetus for the your current divorce action was that you sought the company of a mistress for the last 2 years going to parties, and weddings, and even introductions to your mother who fulfills your sense of love and now expect to begin a life with her as soon she divorces from her own husband.

 

The pain that she'll experience will likely be traumatic but at least she'll no longer harbor any thoughts for reconcilliation or even fond memories of you or her marriage ever again! Hold not to the notion of decency for it is perverted by the many deceptions of your being that have bled your wife's soul to a dry and lifeless crust, lo these many years. You have been slowly killing her spirit with a million rending tears from your lie's dull and rusted blade for all the days that she's known you. Remove your mask of selfish cruelty and set her free with a gift of the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help ye GOD.

 

Let your EX see you for who and what you really are for she is twisting in a hard and unrelenting wind by blaming herself for the demise of her marriage when all along she never had a chance to know love with a man like you!!!

 

 

You call that humanity??? Interesting. Maybe they stole the best years of each other's lives....or maybe they were pretty good years but it's time to move on. Maybe they can just walk away with fond memories of the good things they had and remember one another with warmth. What a novel concept.

 

Translation on spilling the beans: At least she'll know the truth and will be able to go through life embittered and judgemental like so many others. Because, God forbid, that she take the experience of being in a marriage that she knew in her heart was doomed from the beginning and actually LEARN SOMETHING FROM IT.

 

His ex knows exactly who he is - his affair didn't change him. And it wouldn't change her opinion of him, either. She doesn't need to blame herself any more than he does. The marriage just didn't work. Sometimes it really is that simple.