So Tired of ducking and hiding...

[Confused4Now]

I hate to say it but I totally agree with Angel..without going into the details of my marriage I can say I knew within the first 2 years in my marriage it was doomed. None of my kids were planned....I came from a GREAT family with an excellent foundation. I LOVE MY KIDS and that is why I stayed. Thats the bottom line...

 

I was in a marriage where I had no emotional attachment to my wife. It was all physical....however when things started getting bad the sex started getting less and less. My wife knew that something was wrong but chose to think it was all me. We went to counseling and we got nowhere. I had planned to leave before my daughter was born 13 years ago..but my wife decided to mess up with her birth control pills.

 

I never intended to get involved with a married woman but we were friends with very similar situations. All I can say is I haven't been involved in a emotional relationship in 30 years and it felt good. I know I should have gotten out sooner but like I said earlier....it was a dead marriage. All this woman did was get the ball rolling and I have her to thank for that.

 

So you know the NC lasted about 1 day...she came back with "I will make a plan and I will get out of my marriage". I told her she has to do this for herself as I did for myself. I can only support her cause that is how we started.

 

I'm sure I'm going to get flamed but what the hell ....the flaming doesn't hurt half as much as this affair.

[Angel1111]

As I said before, Confused, I believe things will work out for both of you. And I'm not just saying that. Your love and patience will her guiding star.

 

I wish you the absolute best.

[Order & Chaos]

I have to concur with Angel as well. This has been brought up with ouf therapist as well as our marriage counselor and, in general, if there is an affair, and one party is walking due to it (being an exit affair) that disclosure is not always warranted.

 

If the marriage is done and an affair happens there is very little to gain on disclosing the information. Contrary to popular belief here, an affair isn't the only issue for a failed marriage and there are (almost) always issues leading up to said affair.

 

Not excusing the affair but it isn't an isolated issue.

[Order & Chaos]

I'm really amazed at the anger on this forum. It's quite sad, really. Ok, I get it now. Unless I concur with everyone else's ideas around here, then I should go elsewhere.

 

Well, it has happened to me so I actually do know what I'm talking about. The pain was unbelievable, which is why I don't understand why any of you think it's so important to tell the spouse about the affair. So that they can be traumatized and hurt beyond their imagination? What would he have to gain by telling her at this point, now that the marriage is over?

 

You call these people flawed. I'm so relieved to know that you're not. In my opinion, he tried to do the right thing by not wasting his wife's time by staying when she already knew the marriage was dead and that he never really loved her. Maybe it took him some time to make that decision but, as we all know, that's not an easy decision to make under any circumstances. And, gee, I'm sure his wife is totally shocked that her marriage is over. Just like women who ignore their husbands for years and have sex with them once a year - they are also shocked beyond belief that he cheated on her or left. And the husband who abuses his wife and children is often brought to his knees when reality slams him in the face.

 

But, yes, it's all the cheater's fault. If it makes you feel better to believe that, then go with that. The spouse seems to be the innocent bystander and has no buy-in whatsoever. And that's "straight garbage" as far as I'm concerned. I'd say that any woman wiling to stay in a loveless marriage is playing with fire and should actually be surprised if the marriage lasts at all.

 

In my case, my husband said he cheated because I told our marriage counselor that I thought we should divorce. The counselor agreed...the marriage was THAT bad. My husband convinced me to stay - again - and then cheated on me 2 wks later. I'm not saying his affair was my fault but what I am saying is that people tend to do a dance together and they are in it 50/50. I should've left him long before our relationship reached that point. The red flags were all around me. But, one thing I know for sure - his affair fully put the brakes on the path our marriage was going down.

 

A counselor told me once that an affair is usually a HUGE cry for help by the person having the affair, and/or a last-ditch attempt at either changing things or ending them. Their pain is that great. You can take that any way you want but the truth is, most people who cheat are not serial cheaters, they do it because they can no longer live with things as they are. Maybe that's hard to look in the face but it's true. Most of them are not vindictive evil-doers, as many of you would like to believe. When a relationship gets bad enough, somewhere, somehow, the pressure will have to be released or it's going to totally blow up in your face.

 

Just my humble, "disgusting opinion".

 

Angel, I have a lot of respect for your strength to see all angles and understand the grey. It takes a very strong person to not get wrapped up in the affair and see that both parties have fallen short of the marriage though the affair is a major major issue.

 

Anyway just wanted to say that I hope possess half the strength and compassion that you have shown for others and trying to understanding why things may have happened the way they did.

 

Thank you.

[Angel1111]

Angel, I have a lot of respect for your strength to see all angles and understand the grey. It takes a very strong person to not get wrapped up in the affair and see that both parties have fallen short of the marriage though the affair is a major major issue.

 

Anyway just wanted to say that I hope possess half the strength and compassion that you have shown for others and trying to understanding why things may have happened the way they did.

 

Thank you.

 

Thank you, Order. I have made many mistakes in my life where relationships are concerned and maybe that has given me that ability to look at all sides. Some of those mistakes hinged on being too compassionate and too understanding,. I've learned to find the balance and to stop being so clueless.

 

I wasn't very strong when the affair happened. I was a complete mess - crying all the time, feeling destroyed, wishing I were dead, etc. But, in retrospect, I wonder what on earth made me stay with him in the first place, why I ever let such a monster into my life. The affair was really secondary to everything he did to me....and what he was starting to do to my son (from another marriage).

 

I have an outstanding son and xH's single biggest mistake was to start turning his anger on him. I had visions of my son at the age of 30 turning to me and asking me why I allowed such a mean person into our lives and why I didn't protect him. When I looked at it that way, I knew I would never have a good enough answer for him. What would I say, "Because I love him so much"? Pretty lame. Now, several years down the road, my son continues to be an amazing kid and it did wonders for him to know I left someone because I was protecting him. He's a varsity swimmer, an honor student and his teachers absolutely adore him. People tell me that he's going to be somebody someday because he's so intelligent and has such a charismatic personality. I think if I had stayed with my xH, my son would be a different person today.

 

I wanted more children but I thank God everyday that I never had a child with xH. Every now and then, I do something right.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Wow I've never heard such self absorbed low self esteem a-holes in one place! C4N no one put a gun to your head and made you marry her, that was your own decision. Your own choice. You made the choice to cheat. That married woman didnt do anything for you except to gas your head up and you continue to fall for it. and if you still feel that way why dont you ask her husband what he thinks about it? Oh not so sure of it now are you? lol.

 

You are a very weak man and your kids deserve a better role model than you. because when the chips are down the man and the leader does the hard things and sacrifises for others. but apparently you dont know how to do that!

 

I wonder if your kids read this post somewhere in the future and they say if you felt that way then why the hell did you marry our mother anyway's?

 

Why pretend? Why live your life as a lie? Why drag them through all the BS?

 

Why have an exit affair. why be a weak flawed man with no sense of morals or boundries? I wonder if you caught Hep-c from the MW and had to deal with that for the rest of your life could you honestly say the things your saying now?

 

You and angel is pathetic!

 

That's just my opinion I could be wrong.

[Angel1111]

.I wonder if you caught Hep-c from the MW and had to deal with that for the rest of your life could you honestly say the things your saying now?

 

You and angel is pathetic!

 

That's just my opinion I could be wrong.

 

 

If I caught an STD and had to deal with it for the rest of my...and beyond into eternity, I still would never be as bitter and angry as you. Thank God.

[Confused4Now]

I knew that was coming!!! Again to say I'm weak in this situation might be very true. But I can assure you I'm very strong in every other aspects of my life.

 

Yes I chose to cheat and I chose to leave my marriage. Again you haven't read what I said earlier. This affair only got the ball rolling. I GOT OUT and my MW will get out.

 

As for being weak and flawed... I can assure you...Chrome. There are a lot more people out there who are worse than I am including yourself.

 

Peace out!!!

[Chrome Barracuda]

I knew that was coming!!! Again to say I'm weak in this situation might be very true. But I can assure you I'm very strong in every other aspects of my life.

 

Yes I chose to cheat and I chose to leave my marriage. Again you haven't read what I said earlier. This affair only got the ball rolling. I GOT OUT and my MW will get out.

 

As for being weak and flawed... I can assure you...Chrome. There are a lot more people out there who are worse than I am including yourself.

 

Peace out!!!

 

Hey angel if you caught something and had an very bad outbreak I bet you wouldnt be saying that now would you. I'm not angry. lol.

 

LOL C4n nice way of deflecting everything I said. There's alot of weak and flawed people out there yes, but to come on here and procrasinate like the affair was the thing that gave you a exit to leave a marriage you entered of your own free will. then that right there is a cop out. It's disgusting and it's wrong.

 

But dont worry man, you reap what you sow. just remember that playa. I can sleep good at night, can you?

[Confused4Now]

Don't worry pal.....come judgment day I will have to answer for everything I've done wrong.

 

And for sleeping...thank God for Ambien!!!:D:D

[Chrome Barracuda]

Hey you destroyed two families, ruined your own reputation, became a hypocrite, gave your kids a broken home, became a homewrecker yourself, had sex with a married woman. lost your own mother's respect and your friends's too.

 

I guess it was all worth it huh?

 

just my opinion I could be wrong.

[Confused4Now]

Chrome....I'm praying for you....right now...you need it.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Chrome....I'm praying for you....right now...you need it.

 

 

ROFLMAO!!!!! your the one who's sneaking around with another man's wife and your praying for me? LOL holy S***!

 

Good lord. get your head outta your own bum, stop being weak and man up!

[Angel1111]

Don't worry pal.....come judgment day I will have to answer for everything I've done wrong.

 

And for sleeping...thank God for Ambien!!!:D:D

 

Confused, some things don't deserve a response. These debates will go nowhere and you didn't come here to get into battles with anyone.

 

I hope you're doing well.

[twice_shy]

As I said before, Confused, I believe things will work out for both of you. And I'm not just saying that. Your love and patience will her guiding star.

 

 

This is sickening. Condoning an affair and hoping someone else gets hurt in the process.

 

So let me guess angie, you were either the OW or the cheating MW?

 

I hope if fails, but not for the same reason. I hope if fails because the women that confused is boning is no good for her husband. The H deserves to be free from a tramp like that.

[twice_shy]

If I caught an STD and had to deal with it for the rest of my...and beyond into eternity, I still would never be as bitter and angry as you. Thank God.

 

I don't think at all that is what you would think if you actually got and STD. Especially one that you cannot cure.

[Confused4Now]

I am curious(again:o), did you pray before you got involved with the MW and do you pray that the effect of the A will be minimized as much as possible on her family, and your family? You seem, with your above statement, to say you know and have a relationship with God. If this is true, did you ask for guidance before you crossed the line? If you find this too personal, I understand if you don't answer.

 

NO and NO..but I'm sure there are things that you do that might bring you back prayer....

[Angel1111]

I don't think at all that is what you would think if you actually got and STD. Especially one that you cannot cure.

 

I see. So if that did happen to me, then I should also be bitter and angry because....uhh, why?....it makes the whole situation better?

[Angel1111]

This is sickening. Condoning an affair and hoping someone else gets hurt in the process.

 

So let me guess angie, you were either the OW or the cheating MW?

 

I hope if fails, but not for the same reason. I hope if fails because the women that confused is boning is no good for her husband. The H deserves to be free from a tramp like that.

 

 

Tramp??? Wow, people on this site can be vicious. It's kinda sad really.

 

Well, I don't recall saying a single word about hoping someone else gets hurt in the process. There are a whole lot of people here suggesting that Confused tell his ex-wife about the affair and I think it's an incredibly bad idea for the very reason that it will hurt her.

 

I'm not condoning affairs, dear lady, but I do have compassion for people who find themselves in pain. I'm sure that, in hindsight, Confused would've done things differently, but this situation isn't going to be undone - nor should be it at this point.

 

I don't have an STD from my husband's affair but I know myself well enough to know that nothing and no one will ever turn me into someone I don't want to be. So, the next time you decide to judge someone, you may want to be more certain of your facts. I AM coming from a place of experience where I can truthfully say that I don't let other people decide how I will think, feel and act. You will never know me so you'll never know the true power of that statement.

 

As for Confused, I would again suggest that you tread very carefully before passing judgement. You don't know what he's been through or what he has sacrificed in his lifetime. Your unkind words are so uncalled for.

[Confused4Now]

As for Confused, I would again suggest that you tread very carefully before passing judgment. You don't know what he's been through or what he has sacrificed in his lifetime. Your unkind words are so uncalled for.

 

Angel...All I can say is you are right I've followed enough of this forum to know their are good advice and people who just want to slam people. I was just having fun with chrome. It really doesn't bother me what people say... I just try to take the good advice or the support and just try to make it through the day.

 

Being told your weak gets old when any one knows I'm pretty strong person. Again it's someone else's opinion.

[Owl]

So...what's your game plan going forward, C4N?

 

I've glanced through this...does your wife know about the affair? Do you intend to tell her? Where are you at on the seperation/divorce?

[Order & Chaos]

I am shocked at the vitrol comments that are geared to Angel when she has been the betrayed spouse but isn't trying to castrate the OP and is suggesting a possible grey area within this issue.

 

I can seen not agreeing with her, that is fine, but the personal attacks are unfathomable just b/c is isn't bitter or angry. Shouldn't we all strive to show the level headedness that she is demostrating? Showing the ability to forgive though not forget what her spouse did? And even though he is now her ex she is still showing him respect for the role he had in her life instead of only seeing the affair.

 

Or are some of the posters so caught up in key words and terms that the actual reading of other posts in their entirety is a lost endeavor?

 

It is so sad to see so many people still so caught up and stunted by the pain in their lives that they can't see beyond the fog of it.

[Confused4Now]

So...what's your game plan going forward, C4N?

 

I've glanced through this...does your wife know about the affair? Do you intend to tell her? Where are you at on the seperation/divorce?

 

Originally I had thought about telling her, but only telling her would only give her a reason why the ball got rollin. She totally agree's we've been like this for a LONG TIME and like me she said she stayed for the kids/family.

Sad thing is she told me she'd take me back just to have her kids/family back.

 

She knows I don't love her and haven't for sometime and says she can live with that.....as for the divorce. Today is my court date for spousal support phase of divorce. We are at a point where we can talk which is something haven't done in years.

[Confused4Now]

I haven't left prayer since I committed. But, I do feel kind of off balance when I am about to do something that isn't pleasing to God. If I continue to do whatever, it seems like I am almost drowning, until I correct the issue. Why did you stop praying?

 

Good question...maybe I just got lost for awhile, but isn't that what a lot of people do times of trouble or crisis.....is pray? I guess I'm guilty of that. Well I'm trying to be better about having prayer in my life more often than in times of need.

[Owl]

Well, from my perspective, there's no pressing reason to tell your stbxw about the affair...right now.

 

As long as you're not reconciling...the truth isn't required for her to be able to move on from the sounds of it.

 

But...I'd also caution you that these things have a way of coming out later. You'd better have a plan in place to tell her (and the kids) the truth about OW later on...because at some point she probably will figure out that you had "someone waiting in the wings'...and she'll be hurt by that.

 

Perhaps not the devestation she'd get from learning about it while she's still committed to you...but still some pain and hurt to be had there.

 

Just some things to think about...