Separating after 3yrs together 1 married

[Tragedi67]

I have posted a post under infidelity called can opposite sex friends be just friends, and well I'm now in the process of separating from my husband of one year together three years.

 

All he does on our days off is spend time with this divorced woman who is ten years older than him and lives with her parents for god's sakes, but I find myself still blaming myself for not talking to him when I had a real problem (drugs) and he didn't know how to deal with it other than saying he wants a divorce and he wouldn't consider counseling which I have been going for over a month now.

 

He isn't at home when I could use his help moving things to my new place and during our work week he sleeps at her house so he doesn't have to deal with the traffic on the way home in the morning. I wake up and find myself crazy when he's not there in bed with me sleeping. I tell him this and he says you'd better get used to it, cause you'll be sleeping alone in a couple of weeks. I find myself crazy knowing he's over there and he never answers his cell phone when I call him. Call me codependent possibly, but this is someone who I lived, slept, and worked with for three years. He's all I know I don't wanna let go of, but I have too. Someone please give me some positive insight cause once I move he'll be gone, and we'll be divorced.

[luvmyboys]

All I can say is to continue with your counseling and try to realize the type of person he really is....a user. If he's bunking in at this other woman's home, he's already beginning to use her and her parents by mooching off her.

 

Any man who leaves his wife over any kind of problem he wasn't aware of isn't a man; he's a coward. Better you find out his true colors now than three more years wasted with this guy. Sorry for your pain.

[Tony T]

Forgive yourself and move on. If your husband has never been into drugs, the drug episode with you was probably an eye opener for him, he doesn't understand addiction, and he doesn't want anything to do with it. I can tell you from my own viewpoint, I have never done drugs but I have nothing personally against those who do. I would prefer those who sold drugs to others were killed instantly rather than arrested. But if I were married to somebody who began taking drugs, they would not even see my trail as I left them.

 

We all learn that actions have consequences. If you still have a drug problem, continue your counselling and get additional help for this if necessary. Understand that when you marry somebody and desire their company and love, you can't shock them with illegal and bizarre behavior...somebody worth being married to, that is. There are couples who do drugs together but I hope you will consider laying off the stuff.

 

Again, forgive yourself and try to become a better person for the future. It may take some time, but you will heal and you'll be a much better person for having gone through this...and a few lessons more enriched.

[Nazima]

If your husband truly loved you he would be there supporting you while you are trying to clean up your act. Believe me, I know. I am currently going through a divorce myself. My stbx and I were married for almost 24 years, and we lived together for over a year before we got married. My situation is a bit different since we were both smoking dope and drinking, so we had the same problem.

 

Our marriage had been going sour (at least for me) for the last 10 years, my stbx had become more and more controlling, was emotionally and mentally abusive and finally physically abusive to me. Just over a year ago I got arrested twice for driving under the influence, and I went to treatment for my drug and alcohol abuse. I have been clean and sober for over a year. During my inpatient treatment my ex was not there to support me, in fact he said working and making money was more important than I was. He earns over $20 an hour so it's not like he couldn't afford to take a day off of work.

 

To me that was the final straw. It showed me that I was not important enough for him to take the time to be there when I needed his support the most. I left him. He's still drinking and smoking dope and has been seeing other women as well. As for myself, I am in no hurry to find another relationship- I am discovering who I really am and building a solid support base for a new, healthier lifestyle. I also attend AA meetings twice a week and go to counseling once a month.

 

My life has never been better, and it gets better every day. I seldom think about my ex, and I'm glad he's no longer a major part of my life. We have three kids so he'll always be there in some respect, but I can choose when and if I want to have contact with him. Our children are old enough to decide on their own if they want to see their father or not.

 

I agree with Tony, you need to forgive yourself and move on. You also need to realize that the only person's behavior and attitude you can control is your own, you can't do anything about anyone else. Your husband has made his choice and turned his back on you. This is painful, but if he is not going to be supportive and be there for you while you straighten out your life then you are better off without him. You have to learn to rely on yourself, and be strong for yourself.

 

Getting clean and sober is a tough enough road without having the stumbling block of an unsupportive person tripping you up along the way. Build yourself a support group of understanding people through AA or CA or NA or one of those programs, it will be the best lifeline you'll ever make. Learn the serenity prayer, it saved my sanity many times.

 

I wish you the best of luck in your recovery.